Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.


If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Friday, February 29, 2008

I Need a Therapist

Ever wonder what they would find out about you if they forced you to undergo a psychological evaluation?  Ever think that maybe they would lock you up in a padded room?  Now here's your chance to find out for sure.  This is not one of those hokey pokey have a little fun tests.  This test is brought to you straight from Psychology Today.  It'll tell you everything that is wrong with you (and then some)!
 
So the true question then is this:
ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO SHARE YOUR RESULTS?
 
I'm not claiming bravery here.  Quite the contrary.  I fully intend to blame ever part of my psychological instabilities on my DELINQUENT FAMILY!  So don't go giving me any metals or anything.  This is purely out of my necessesity for evil, hateful, spriteful, family-bashing!
 
Here's what I learned:
  • My symptoms point towards BIPOLAR DISORDER! You think!?!  Imagine that?  One minute I'm laughing.  One minute I'm crying.  Hell, I'm so good at multitasking that I can laugh about crying, cry about laughing and end up laughing and crying at the same time!  This one I'm blaming on my mother.  My mother is the one who taught me to laugh in the face of diversity.  So I can be very upset, sad, angry, etc. and still crack some wise ass joke about it.  It's beyond my control.  I cannot help but try and lighten any situation that seems to stressful for myself or someone else.  I have to laugh.  Laughter is my medication.  Everyone else around me thinks I'm nutty as a fruit cake, but I'm happy.
  • I appear to suffer from obsessional thoughts! Well, I insist that my crayons be arranged by the colors of the rainbow.  This is also true of my printer paper.  I insist that the pieces of a board game all be arranged neatly in the box before it is closed.  I insist that a deck of cards be arranged in order by suit before being placed back in a box (if the back has a design it must all face the same direction also).  I routinely rearrange my kitchen cupboards so that like items are together.  When I have the patience, I also arrange items by expiration date.  I have to have all the books, DVDs, movies, etc. arranged by title, author or size.  And I cannot empty a penny bank without obsessively counting every penny in the jar (even if I'm only going to place them back into the jar).  But again, these things do not interfere with my life.  I simply put things back where they belong and I don't empty the penny bank until it's time to take it to the bank.  So who can I blame for this?  The color issue has to do with the artistic side of me.  Some of it is a desperate need to be organized amidst the rest of my clutter.  And I imagine that part of it comes from my sperm donor.  I obsessively make lists.  Partly because I struggle with organization, and partly because I need to.  When you come from a family like mine, lists are pretty natural.  Hell, I have to write out a list just to explain my own family.  Think I'm exagerating?  I'm not.  I am the oldest, middle, youngest, and only child in my family.  Throw in my "foster" sister and I'm almost a twin.  It takes a handful of lists just to explain that.  Obsessive list making is definately inheritted.
  • My responses indicate that my relationship may be DISFUNCTIONAL! I'm shocked!  Catholic boy turned atheist has a child out of wed-lock with a divorced woman he was dating while she was still married.  Add into the mix the fact that my parents love him and his family loves me.  There is something seriously wrong with us.  What caused them to say my relationship was disfunctional?  I admitted that we have trouble communicating and resolving issues.  Why?  Because we're both stubborn and bull-headed.  Who is to blame?  Well, us... but that's besides the point... lets find a better scapegoat.   And the winner is.... my ex-husband.  Why?  Because I hate him, my family hates him, his own mother hates him... oh... I'm venting.  Wanna know what the real kicker is?  As if passing on our stubborn genetics to our daughter isn't enough... she was born a Taurus.  Which, if her horoscope is true, already made her stubborn.  Oh yes, we will be raising the next Stubborn asshole of the family!  Can't wait until she's a teenager!
  • I might have Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder! What the Fuckoff?!?!  LMAO... This means I have a low sex drive.  HAHAHAHAHA!  What a joke!  I guess they've never heard of a Mommie and Daddy with a 10 month old and opposite shifts.  We don't have a low sex drive.  We have a lack of AVAILABILITY!!  rotflmfao!!!
  • My responses indicate you may suffer from Dependant Personality Disorder!  Okay, I get this.  It's because I care too much what others think.  I'm shy.  It takes some time to warm up to people.  I don't like being alone.  Who does?  If I enjoyed being alone would I have a hermit disorder.  I guess there is a fine line between Dependant Personality and Anti-social or social anxiety disorder.  I admit I hate being alone and sometimes I worry too much about what someone might think.  Usually I only worry if I'm in a new or professional situation.  Why?  Because I'm strange and I know it.  New people scare me because I want to get to know them first.  I have to trust you to open up to you.  As far as professional situations?  Well, that just goes back to the "bipolar" thing.  It's hard to be professional.  I have trouble taking things seriously in the same sense that other do.  Of course I take work seriously, but that doesn't mean I won't crack some joke to lighten it up.  Some people are so uptight and overly "proper" that they mistake this as being childish.  I just want fun and happiness.
  • I might also suffer from a brief psychotic episode, a major depressive episode, simple phobias, a social phobia, compulsive thoughts or behaviors, generalize anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, and/or borderline personality disorder! AND monkeys might fly out my ass if I sneeze!
It's all very simple.  Yes, I probably have at least one of the things in this list.  I bet you do too!  But the truth is that I'm quite content with my life and I don't need a therapist to tell me something is wrong with me.  You find me a therapist who grew up in a family with five other siblings (none of which are fully related to the others), had five step-mothers, two fathers, a hypocondriac aunt, a psychotic grandmother, a not-quite foster sister, an adoptive half step brother, an un-adopted cousin, a narcisitic aunt who is really their mother's cousin, and a baby brother who is 33 years younger than their big sister.  Then they can analyize my head!
Until then, I'm going to be perfectly content living in my own little world where "everyone is a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!"


Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

No comments: