How Do I Love Thee

Animal Control

2008-04-03T16:50:00.002-06:00

Living in a small rural community definately has it's drawbacks. Living 20 miles from the nearest grocery store definately requires you to do some planning and juggle some schedules. You can't just make a quick run to pay your bills or pick up something you might have forgotten. However, these things are the price that we pay for the knowledge that we can walk down the street without being shot at and the pleasure of not hearing 15,000 cars pass by our house each day (though I think the fort shooting off their howitzers sort of limits that pleasure).

However, there is one drawback that I never expected.

We do not have any form of animal control!

Stray animals are an issues in nearly every area. There is simply no way to avoid it. There will always be those people who simply are not fit to care for their pets. There will always be those animals that have escaped from their owners or are abandoned.

So what is the humane way to deal with the matter? The logical answer would be to contact your local Animal Shelter to take the animal in. YOU'DE THINK!!

The fact of the matter is that if you live in a remote area, no one cares about these animals or the people that they are inconvienencing.

Here is the conversation that took place between a co-worker and our local Animal Shelter today:

Co-worker: "Hello, I have a stray dog that I need to find a place for."
Staff: "Where are you?"
Co-worker: "Bum Fuck Kansas"*
Staff: "Well, you need to contact your local animal control officer."
Co-worker: "We don't have an animal control officer, I was told to contact you."
Staff: "Let me see. You need to contact Jill Dogcatcher."
Co-worker: "She no longer works for animal control."
Staff: "Please hold."
...
...
...
Staff: "It appears that Bum Fuck Kansas has not signed a contract with us, therefore we no longer service your community."
Co-worker: "So what am I supposed to do with this dog?"
Staff: "Well, you can bring it in to the shelter, but we charge $80 to take in an animal."
Co-worker: "You're telling me I have to pay $80 to dispose of a stray dog! Why would I do that?"
Staff: "Well, you are not in our service area so we do will not come get the dog."
Co-worker: "Right. But you're telling me if I bring the dog in to you, you're going to charge me $80! What if I run the dog to the city limits with my gun? Then call you to come get him?"
Staff: "WHAT!!"
Co-worker: "Well, that's the option you're leaving me. I'm not paying you $80 to take in a dog that isn't even mine! That's stupid!"
Staff: "Well... um... uh..."
Co-worker: "Basically you're telling me that instead of doing the right thing by bringing this animal in for shelter, I'd just be better off to chase it into town or leave it to starve."
Staff: "Well, no. If you bring the animal after business hours, you can leave it in the drop box for free."
Co-worker: "But if I bring it to you during business hours you're going to charge me $80."
Staff: "Have you tried calling your local police?"
Co-worker: "We don't have 'local' police. We are serviced by the police in YOUR town."
Staff: "Well, have you tried contacting them?"
Co-worker: "Yes, they said I should contact you!"
Staff: "Well, I'm sorry. You're more than welcome to bring the animal in."
Co-worker: "If I bring you $80!! A bullet would be cheaper!!"
*click*

If this isn't the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life!!

I realize that caring for stray animals has its expenses, however, this shelter is partnered with the humane society which recieves donations for such expenses. On top of that, the animal shelter charges adoption fees for animals in order to compensate them for the care of the animals.

Can a police officer transport the animal? No! Not unless it is a dangerous animal. Why? Because the animal shelter may bill the police department the $80 fee for the animal! While you might think, "So what, the police department pay it!" I can't help but think how much $80 per stray might add up to. On top of the time the officers would be wasting transporting stray animals, I certainly would rather the money was spent on catching criminals and keeping my neighborhood safe.

So what can you do about these abandoned and neglected animals?

Well, if you are wealthy enough to have a spare $80 laying around, you could pay the shelter the $80 to take the animal in. But since $80 goes a long way in my household (formula for a month, diapers for a month, clothes, groceries, toys, etc.) that is not an option. I imagine that is not an option for most of the people who live around here.
So, your second option is to pack the dog up in the evening and drop it in their "drop box" (WTF?) for free. However, most people have families to tend to in the evenings and work the next day. So driving 40 miles round trip to find a safe home for a stray is not likely.
You could always adopt the dog into your own family. Of course there won't be any agencies bailing you out when you can't afford vet bills, shots, toys, dog food, etc. And when you excede the limits of any city ordinances, you'll be facing fines and more hassel than you could imagine.
I wonder what the shelter would do if you drove the animal into town and kicked it out of your car in their parking lot. Then you could call there number and say, "Do you realize you have a stray dog roaming around in your parking lot?" What are they going to do?
I guess it would be just as easy to drive the animal into any other part of town and release it. You could either call the shelter or hell, leave it for something else to deal with.
You can always kick the animal to the curb and let Darwin's theory take effect. I'm sure the Humane Society highly supports the idea that all these pets will be left on the streets to starve to death.
That being said, I'm certain that the Humane Society would definately NOT approve of my final and most EFFECTIVE method. The cheapest solution is to pack the dog up in your car, drive 2 miles out of town to the country and spend 50 cents to put a bullet in the animal's head!! Personally, I find that much more humane than allowing the animal to starve to death. It also prevents further annoyances and the possibility that the animal may become sick and/or endanger local residents. It saves gasoline by reducing the drive, and as a result also benefits the environment by reducing the greenhouse gases your car would have emitted driving the dog into town. In addition, it will leave an opening for another needy animal in the shelter and the $80 you save will lessen the strain on the economy because the money can be spent supporting your family, making a larger payment on your mortgage, donating to another needy cause, or saving for your child's college fund! This seems like the all around best solution in this particular scenerio.

As an animal lover, I certainly do not promote the idea of randomly shooting all stray animals. However, when local organizations make it difficult to do what is best for these animals, I see no better alternative. Far better to put the animal down mercifully than to see it injured by a vehicle, or struggling to survive on it's own!!

You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.

There Once Was an Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe

2008-03-31T13:48:00.002-06:00

SHE HAD SO MANY CATS - She didn't know what to do!!

I need to tell you about my mother. My mother is an animal person. There has not been a moment in her life when there wasn't at least one animal in her home. For most of my adult life, my parents have had two dogs and a house cat. That's it. Three pet maximum. No way we were going to have more.

However, as the years progress, the cattle herd is getting smaller and smaller. The number of farm cats is increasing at a rapid rate! One of two things is happening:

1) Longhorn cows ate carnivores who eat farm cats and without cows, the cat population is booming

2) My mother has found her true calling as a cat herder!!

The funny thing is, we can all remember, not too long ago, when there was only ONE outside cat.

She showed up on my mother's porch, fat and miserable one day. Three days later she dropped a litter of 6 kittens on my mother's porch. Mom picked them up, loved them, cared for them.

My mother is a very loving person (to animals) and she was diligent about making sure that these little kittens were protected from the elements.

She provided them with a safe place to escape the common dangers that outdoor cats face when they live on a farm.

And with her care and protection, they learned all they needed to know about living on a farm and defending themselves.

The thing about farm cats is that you never really know what they are doing behind your back! I mean, sure, you hope that they are doing something contructive with their time away from you and you hope that they are learning all that they can in this big wide world. You have dreams of them going on to higher education and makin something of themselves.

But the sad truth is that many young cats are lost along the way. As for my mother's young prodigy kittens, they weren't the brightest crayons in the box. They were habitually getting up trees that they couldn't get down out of. My mother, caring more for her kittens than her own self-image, hung sleeping bags, blankets and ladders in the trees so that her kittens could get back down safely. No, these creatures showed no promise of ending up in an Ivy League college! Instead, the four females tried their hand at bikini modeling.

While these young ladies were off trying to make a name for themselves, Mama Grey returned home and to noone's suprise, she was wide as a house! Determined that Mama Grey would not be dropping this litter on her front porch, my mother put her in the milkhouse. Soon afterwards, Mama grey gave birth to five beautiful baby girls. My mother helped to keep these kittens safe and secure until they were weaned. Once again, the moment that big day came, Mama Grey up and disappeared again.

About a week later, three major events happened that may change the course of the world as we know it. First, the original four female cats returned. Now these porn queens were all grown up and with their careers on the fritz they were forced to come home with nothing but the fur on their backs. What a suprise, all four females were walking four-legged watermelons!! Secondly, Mama Grey also returned with her own fantastic watermelon belly! The final life-changing event was that the youngest five female cats all came of age!!

You got it! My mother now has the original Mama Grey and her first four female all knocked up and about to pop. Along with five younger females which will no doubt be knocked up since they don't seem to have any moral delima about inviting every boy cat in the county over for their drunken parties!

Fortunately, like any protective mother, my Mom is all about instilling higher standards in the girls. Of course, these young ladies don't always listen to mother so Mom has no choice but to instill her good values upon the seven Tom cats that decided to move in. So how exactly do you reason with a horny male cat? The same way you reason with a horny male teenager! She uses a gun!

Slowly the Tom's started to get the message! "If you're going to mess with Mom's girls, you better find a way to get them out of the house because Mama's got a GUN!"

Okay, so the first one didn't seem to understand the message.

*BAM!!*

and there were

SIX!!

In the middle one dark night, Mom caught one of the boys with her girls.

*BAM!!*

and there were

FIVE!!

One of those boys was a nasty, disease carrying, ugly fucker!

*BAM!*

and there were

FOUR!!

One of them was just a really wierd fucker that kept trying to hump the turkeys.

*BAM!*

and there were

THREE!!

One of them got smart, gave up and went to find an easier piece of ass down the road.

Of the TWO remaining, one was a beautiful solid black (as Mom says "scary voodoo black") Tom cat. And the other was the half brother to all of these sluts!

Since Mom was in no mood to deal with any six-legged, four-eyed hermophrodite freaks of nature, she decided that Little Boy needed to take a trip down the road. She had high hopes that if she could just get him away from these mind-numbing whores, he'd be able to go out and make something of himself. Perhaps, after all her hard work, there might just be hope for one of them!! She takes him down the road in the truck. They drive all the way to the highway. She wishes him well and leaves him some change for a cab.

That night, she goes to the barn to check on things and out of the darkness steps

LITTLE BOY!!

*Bam!*

And then there was

ONE!

So there you have it folks. This week, Mom has the cat population weaned down to 10 females and a nice looking Tom. Of course, I'm not sure the Tom will have a whole lot to keep him occupied since half of the females are ready to pop any day!!

By the time all these girls get done with this "round" of kittens, the farm will officially have a higher population than the nearest town!

Even the cats are going to start freaking out. They'll be tripping on acid and wondering why little blue cats are eating all of the puppy chow!!

Sooner or later, Mom will have to start training some of the cats to do her dirty work for her. The cost of weapons and ammo alone should be enough to file for bankruptsy.

At this point I'll be unable to visit her because the cats will have watch towers alongside the cattle guard. Each person coming and going will be strip searched to assure that thy are not smuggling cats in. Violators will be shot on sight!

So the next time you visit, BEWARE!! There may be 5 cats or there may be 500 cats. If we could just find a market for hairballs and dirty litter droppings she might be able to afford her cat-food.

Personally, I could solve all of my Mom's feline problems.

She's just got to find that one special kitty that doesn't take shit from the other kitties!!

SPAY & NEUTER YOUR PETS!!

(or shoot them)

before they become

ZOMBIE KITTIES!!

My Love Affair With a Store

2008-03-27T20:06:00.002-06:00

That's right. Fuck WAL-MART! To hell with TARGET!!

Once again I have found all my desires wrapped up in five letters . . .

As many of you know I'm in love with this store. I always find wonderful deals here. My $8.05 shopping spree last October landed me $127.95 in clothing!.

The deals continued in November when I purchased a $200 12-piece King-size comforter set for the sale price of $99 - 10% coupon = $90 - $15 off in-store offer = $75 + $7.23 Tax.

That's right! I paid $82.23 for a beautiful bedding set!

So... what were the fabulous ball-breaking deals today?

Item #1: Red Denim Jeans

Original Price: $38

Clearance Price: $22.99

Double Clearance Price: $5.74

These just happen to be the most expensive item I purchased today!!

Item #2 & 3: Belted Twill Pants for Mom

Original Price: $30.00

Clearance Price: $17.99

Double Clearance Price: $4.49

Such a good deal, I got her a second pair in grey.

Item #4: Black Jeans w/ Belt

Original Price: $30.00

Clearance Price: Unknown

Double Clearance Price: $3.74

Item #5: Apostrophe Brown Tee

Original Price: $22.00

Clearance Price: $6.59

Double Clearance Price: $2.63

Item #6: Brown Hoodie with Snaps

Original Price: $30.00

Clearance Price: $11.99

Double Clearance Price: $2.99

Item #7: Printed Chiffon Blouse

(Brown w/ Pink Dots)

Original Price: $28.00

Clearance Price: $19.99

Double Clearance Price: $4.99

And last but not least...

Item #8: Short Sleeve Blouse w/ Belt

(Mustard Striped)

Original Price: $28.00

Clearance Price: $16.99

Double Clearance Price: $1.74

That's right! Eat your penny-pinching hearts out! $1.74 for a blouse. That's Good Will and Garage Sale prices!! It's unheard of in a department store!

So the final figures stand as follows:

Origina value of clothing: $236.00

Clearance value of clothing: About $132.00 (Price of black jeans unknown)

Amount actually paid: $30.81 + tax

That's right, for $33 I bought 4 pairs of name brand jeans with coordinating belts, 1 t-shirt, 2 blouses and a hoodie!!!

WOOT WOOT!!!

But just in case you're feeling sorry for Sears for the money they clearly lost on my shopping spree, let me assure you that I dropped a pretty penny into some new tires. Were they the cheapest in town? No. They were about $5 more expensive than WAL-MART. However, nowhere else in town could I save that much money on clothes and get two tires put on my car in 30 minutes!! It was well worth the extra five bucks!!

If you're dying to get in on these awesome savings, check out the Sears website. They have a lot of these clearance items online with free delivery to your store (availability limited). A little free advertising is the least I can do for the amount I saved!

Don't let her fool you!

2008-03-25T12:30:00.002-06:00

My co-worker (CLICK HERE) is a LIAR!!!

That's right... don't believe a word she says!

She really killed the cat! Don't listen to a word she says. The cat died in the dryer. I don't beleve her, you shouldn't. It's a dead cat, she's just stalling trying to figure out how to tell the kids that the cat died in the dryer.

*whispers*
I think it's because she secretly hates cats.

I bet she did it on purpose!

Picture Challenge

2008-03-22T01:22:00.001-06:00

Okay, so here's the challenge.

You pick an image search engine. You can pick your own or use one of the ones listed below.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/

http://images.google.com/

http://www.flickr.com/

http://www.deviantart.com/

Now, you must answer the following questions and place the answer into the search. Then you pick one of the pictures on the first page of results to represent your answer. You can elaborate as I did if you like, but it isn't necessary.

1. Which search engine did you use?

Deviant Art

2. Age you will be on your next birthday? (if you don't want to disclose your age just put a picture)

3. Place you want to travel?

Tuscany

I've wanted to go here ever since I saw "Under the Tuscan Sun" Everything looks so beautiful.

4. Favorite place to spend time?

Country

5. Favorite object?

Purses

I'm a total purse addict. After buying my latest bright orange purse, I had to endulge myself in my other addiction, new shoes. I bought orange ones to match the purse of course!

6. Favorite food?

pasta

Can you go wrong with pasta? I think not. I want to know where I can get some of these heart shaped pastas. They are absolutely fabulous!

7. Favorite animal?

dog

The bigger, the better. I love big dogs who insist on being big cudly lap dogs.

8. Favorite color?

Red and Black

9. Town you live in? (again, at least put a picture)

Riley

Don't know who's kid it is, but it was the most pleasing picture that appeared. Kinda makes me think about running up behind him and scaring him though. I'd pull him out after he fell in, but I'd being laughing so hard I'd probably pee! Yeah, my kid is doomed to be traumatized.

10. Name of current or past pet?

Bear

11. Dream come true?

Motherhood

There is nothing more valuable than a life devoted to children.

12. Nickname or screen name?

Erato the Muse

13. Your middle name?

Nicole

Nicole Kidman is a beautiful woman!

14. Favorite smell?

Rain and Alfalfa

There's the country girl popping out in me again!

15. Your bad habit?

smoking

As if smoking was classy like this. Frankly, a tar-ridden lung didn't pop up in the search, so I chose a pretty picture.

16. First job you had?

Ranch hand

I worked on our ranch long before I ever went and got a "real" job. And I might add that I worked harder on the ranch and enjoyed it more than I have any other job.

17. What is the weather right now?

Warm

It turned cool this evening, but today was quite pleasant compared to the crappy winter we've had.

18. Favorite sport to watch or play?

Equestrian

19. Favorite music (type, artist, whatever)?

Country Music

I love all kinds of music. But I'll always be a country music fan at heart.

20. Deepest desire at this moment?

Own a home

Yeah, I know, that looks more like a shack, but that's probably all we could afford right now. I'd still take it. It can't be much worse than the apartment we live in.

Now challenge yourself to complete this task. Don't forget to let me know if you did it so I can check you out!!

Have fun and enjoy!

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Scategories

2008-03-22T01:21:00.000-06:00

...it's harder than it looks!
*Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...
*they have to be real places names, things...nothing made up! You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl. Good luck!

1. What is your name? Kori
2. A four letter word: Kick
3. Vehicle: Kia
4. City: Kansas City
5. Boy's Name: Kevin
6. Girl's Name: Keira
7. Alcoholic drink: Kalua
8. Occupation: Karate Instructor
9. Something you wear: Knee highs
10. Celebrity: Kevin Costner
11. Food: kiwi
12. Something found in a bathroom: Kleenex
13. Reason for Being Late: Kissing
14. Cartoon Character: (hello) Kitty
15. Something You Shout: Knock it off!!
16. Animal: Koala
17. Body part: knee
18. Word to describe you: kinky (hahaha)

My Moral Dilema

2008-03-12T15:57:00.002-06:00

First, I'm not even sure of how to spell dilema so how can I possibly be having one?

Anyway...

Here's the deal.

Today while shopping, I found something. I found a cell phone. What's the problem? Well, I'm not sure I want to track down it's owner and return it.

On one hand, there's the morally good side of me who thinks, "This poor girl has lost her phone and if she's anything like me, she's lost without it. Cell phones are expensive and she'll have to replace it if I don't return it. I would want someone to try and return my phone to me if I lost it."

On the other hand, there's the selfish evil side of me who thinks, "She's a college student from Kansas City. Her parents are probably loaded. Her text messages indicate she's a total pot head. She's thinking about studing abroad (according to her contacts). And she's has some really gross pictures on her phone. Not to mention that she's probably a bitch and won't give a flying fuck if I have to go out of my way to return her phone. Plus, two days after I give her phone back, I'll probably lose my phone because that would be the perfect joke for the evil miniture pixies that control my life."

So, do I go out of my way to try and call up perfect strangers on her phone to see if there is some way that I can track her down and arrange to give her the phone back. Or do I just stuff the phone in the back of my closet for a rainy day? After all, it does have a mp3 player and a nice camera. I could use it! Hmmmmm.... that's a tough one!

Let me know what you think.

A Fairy Tale

2008-03-06T20:50:00.003-06:00

Once upon a time, in a land far, far, away, there was a really evil granddaughter who had a sweet baby girl. That granddaughter was so evil that everyone in the village was horrified that she had come from such an upstanding and fine family. This granddaughter was completely unreasonable and clearly did things just to hurt the feelings of her family.

For example, she demanded under no uncertain terms that her grandparents would not speak badly about her mother in the presence of her daughter. She refused to negotiate this matter or accept any lame excuses for why it might be okay to say bad things about her mother under certain circumstances.

When her grandparents found out about her unreasonable request, they tried to take it out on her mother by returning all of the gifts they had been given over the years. In a fit of rage, the girl's mother tried to explain to them that they were making matters worse. The grandfather, certain that he must teach his unruley granddaughter a serious lesson, chose to never see her again unless she changed her unreasonable ways.

Unfortunately, his granddaughter was too stubborn to learn her lesson, and chose instead to live a life of exile. She presented them with more unreasonable requests. She demanded that they appologize to her mother for causing her undo stress over the matter. Certain, that this ungrateful granddaughter needed to be put in her place, the grandparents refused to say they were sorry.

The granddaughter continued to live her life in quiet exile from her family. The grandparents tried very hard to remind her of her serious mistake by not inviting her and her family to gatherings. They would send out invitations that were addressed incorrectly, or mailed the day of the event. The granddaughter was so stubborn that she refused to aknowledge this friendly reminders of all the fun she was missing out on.

The grandparents were so well loved that they knew they had nothing to worry about because certainly the entire community and their whole family would rally behind them. Everyone would know what a horrible granddaughter she was. They were certain if only they could talk to those people she did know, they too would see what an evil woman she was.

Unfortunately, the evil little granddaughter knew many, many tricks. She sent out Christmas cards to all of her other family members to prove to them that she did not hold anything against them. She made sure that all of her family knew that she would not force them to pick sides. If they could stay out of the argument, they were more than welcome to visit her, even though she had been exiled from the family.

The grandparents were certain that this evil granddaughter had sided with the Devil and was practicing the "black arts". There was simply no other explanation for how she managed to stay in good graces with so many people. She was clearly an evil and horrible person for not wanting to be a part of their happy little family.

The family continued to live in exile and was not bothered by the missing pieces of her heritage. She was far too busy raising her perfect little girl to be bothered by the problems that other people insisted on creating.

One day, the granddaughter was told of some horrible news. A dear family member was very ill and a grand party was being held in her honor. The party was not being held in the lands she had been exiled from, and so the granddaughter decided to go and visit these dear relatives. She was very worried that there would be people there who did not like her. She did not want for there to be an argument at her relative's party. However, she refused to allow these people to control her life.

So, the granddaughter, her baby girl, and SOMEBODY will be at the big party. They will be happy and smile and let all of the people who she loves be a part of her life. However, those grandparents who still believe that she is so evil will be in for a real shock. The unreasonable, stubborn granddaughter will still keep them away from her baby girl.

She will however, auction an 8x10 picture of the baby on Ebay if they really want to see her that bad.

What you never needed to know about me.

2008-03-03T09:05:00.002-06:00

What's in your wallet?

Check for $16 for Friday' lunch
three $5 bills and a $1 bill
a deposit and withdrawl slip from the bank
daughter's vaccination records
driver's license
health insurance card
hunter education card
AAA card
expired coupons for IHOP
2 ticket stubs from "Sweeney Todd" on my birthday, and the ticket stub from "The Bucket List" I went to with Brenda.
2 credit cards
Walgreens giftcard
Walmart gift card
McDonald's Arch card
Appointment card for my eye doctors visit
Appointment card for Ellie and I's appointments in May
2 Walmart gift cards in an envelope (I think they're empty)
a Sears Smile Saver card
my Borders Rewards card.

Didn't think you could get that much stuff into a tiny little wallet did you? Think that's impressive? Try this on on for size.

What's in your purse?

my wallet
feminine product
a red lip gloss
night lipstick "shimmer & shout"
day lipstick "marquise peach"
satin lips lip balm
purell hand towels
relative's mailing address torn off of Christmas card
Sunlasses
lens cleaning cloth
Walgreens gift card
Banker's business card
Tylenol
TUMS
Eyeglass cleaner and another cloth
toothbrush
toothpaste
three ink pens: red, blue & black
color ink carteridge
$2.22 in loose change
Mini road Atlas
Envelope full of soup labels and box tops to mail to Michigan
Reciept for auto tags
Hunam Chinese Resteraunt menu and Friday's lunch order
Expired auto registration (new ones are in the cars)
Large piece of black felt (no idea?)
10 oz. bottle of water
Kleenex pack
Receipts and deposit slips dating back to October
binder clip holding receipts
Expired Sears coupon
Application for savings account
Work keys with work ID
Car/house keys
Cell phone

What's under your bed?

Carpet

What's in your underwear drawer?

Underwear

What's in the trunk of your car?

The bodies of all the people who snooped in the trunk of my car.

What is the most embarassing thing in your room right now?

Underwear and a burned out lightbulb (that'll make you wonder)

If I confinscate your computer and look around, what would I find?

Naked pictures from my webcam (is she joking?)

Do you sleep with anything?

A pillow, a blanket and preferably no one else in the room!

What is your midnight snack weakness?

French fries, tater tots, or anything fried and generally bad for your health/

Have you ever stollen anything?

I cannot answer that question for fear of incriminating myself. However, it would not surprise me if several of the ashtrays in my home were originally located in resteraunts and hotels. It also would not surprise me if some of the clothes my friends have given me magically walked out of the stores without being paid for (just knowing my friends and the magical power they have over items). It also would not surprise me if some of the items I recieved when I was younger were never actually purchased by those people who gave them to me. Oh, and there was that incident with the golf cart, but I'd consider it "borrowing with intent to return." Unfortunately , the best of INTENTIONS went to hell in a handbag.

Have you ever vandalized anything?

A doll. Does that count? I think she's cute, but Mom's calls her "Satan child". I don't think I ever damage anyone else's property. I sure messed up some of mine though. Oh wait... I tore up my neighbors lawn in huge patches when I was 8. Then we laid the grass down on top of the lawn so they couldn't tell until it turned brown. Why would a 9-year-old do this? Because the bitch sat in her picture window and watched a dog kill my pet rabbit. When it was all over she came over to tell us she saw the whole thing. I loved my rabbit, she loved her lawn. Seemed fair to me.

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Depends... I've only danced with a handful of guys, but it wouldn't surprise me if one of them was the devil.

What do you wait until no one is looking to do?

Wipe my ass. No seriously, you can be in the room while I shit, but I need privacy to wipe. Was that too much? Sorry. Oh, and brushing my teeth... get out of the bthroom while I brush my teeth!

Have you told the truth in this survey?

That is for me to know and you to wonder about.

The Nut Has FInally Cracked

2008-03-02T21:16:00.001-06:00

That's right. You heard it here first. My mother has officially fallen off her rocker. Tonight, she got off the phone with me and purposely used her cell phone to call her house phone while she was in her house. She spent several minutes talking to her self on her cell phone & house phone. I'm not sure exactly what the conversation intailed, all I know is that the nutty broad didn't call me back for thirty minutes!

You know how the worst case senerio always seems to run through your head when you don't know all the information? Well that's my problem now. Here's a list of things I've decided my mother might have been talking to herself about:

Crisis Intervention Helpline, how may I be of service... well, my parents are driving me insane and I don't know what to do about it....
Mediation between her multiple personalities.
Political debates between her Republican brain and the brain that is thinking of voting Democrat.
Discussing her upcoming travel arrangements with herself.
Listening to the television from the other room.
Checking to see if her phone would function as a baby monitor.
Absolute worse case senerio... SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN HAVING PHONE SEX WITH HERSELF!!!

That being said, the mysterious alien beeping noises that I was hearing while talking to her may have contributed to her temporary (I hope it's temporary!) insanity.

I do believe that if this becomes a habit, I may have to take out a loan to pay for her padded room.

I'm the mean time if anyone has a magic eraser to get the thought of Mom having phone sex with herself out of my mind, I'd appreciate it if you could mail it to me..... Things that make you go BBLLLGGHGHHG!!!

Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

Yes Mom! It's the right site!

2008-03-02T00:15:00.005-06:00

Love the fabulously sappy new look?

Well to hell with you then! I like it and I'm keeping it this way. At least until I get bored with it.

On a side note... I haven't disowned all my fellow bloggers. It's just that when I changed layouts I lost all of the links. If that isn't tragic enough, this is the only place I had some of those links. So I'm slowly adding you back into my list as I retrace my blogs. Want to get back on the list quicker? I guarantee that anyone who comments to a post will be listed within the week!

That being said, let's get to the real subject.

I now fully understand the value of a $100 high chair!

At first I was like "who the hell spends $100 on a chair the kid sits in to eat?" I simply could not wrap my head around this concept. This spoiled terrorist has it made. We don't even have a dinner table and my daughter is eating off a $100 high chair!! I'm thinking... $2 plate, free second-hand chair, and my own lap (which technically cost my mother a postage stamp). So I'm being generous if I say that my eating area costs $5.

I am hear to confess that I clearly was wrong!

Every child should have a $100 high chair. Why? Because it will help them live longer!

Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter. However, my stubborn little Taurus that spawned from my womb is determined to drive me to madness. I have daydreams of selling her to the gypsies for 50 cents. I find it absolutely fabulous that she is finally mobile... for about 5 minutes. Then, the insanity commenses. Let me explain...
---------------------------------------------------------
Ellie, go play with your toys!
NO! Don't climb on the entertainment stand!
I said GET DOWN!
STOP hitting the television!
DON'T eat the DVD's!
STAY OUT of the diaper wipes!
(takes away wipes)
(bawling commenses)
(hands her a pacifier)
DON'T even think about it!
NO! Get down from the coffee table!
(jumps up to move ashtray)
(takes away spilled ashtray)
(picks up cigarette butts and wipes up ashes)
Ellie, stay out of the bathroom!
(shuts bathroom door)
(jumps in front of baby now headed for bedroom)
(shuts all doors)
(bawling commenses)
(moves baby back to living room and hands a pacifier)
Ellie, play with your toys sweetie.
(hands her a ball)
(drops ball and grabs microscopic piece of paper that has fallen on the floor since I vacuumed 10 minutes ago)
NO! We don't eat paper!
(screams because I threw paper in trash)
(returns to room)
Get away from the TV!!
(places baby in playpen with 15,000 other toys)
(screaming commenses)
(walks away)
(screaming gets louder)
(pretends to ignore screaming)
.... 5 minutes later ....
Calm down, there is nothing to cry about. Play with your toys.
(BAWLS)
(picks her up and puts her in bouncy)
*bounce*
*bounce*
(walks away to pick up EVERYTHING in sight)
(bawls)
(puts baby back on the now spotless floor with 2 million entertaining toys)
GET OUT FROM UNDER THE DESK!!
No! I don't want to hold you!
FINE!!!
.... 30 minutes of sleepy cuddling later ....
Shhhh... Go to sleep honey!
.... 20 minutes later ....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(lays sleeping baby down)
.... 5 minutes later ....
WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------
Oh yes... the high chair has saved her life. For $100, she sat in her chair and played for an hour with the cool spinny toy. Later she snacked on fruity puffs and baby cheetos while I helped the maintenance man. After that she played for a little on the floor. Later, she sat in her chair and ate some cheerios while Daddy Dearest and I ate. Then she played with the coold toy after Mommy put batteries in it. Some more playtime and a nap. Then she sat in her chair and had her supper. Afterwards, she leaned back and drank a bottle. Then she played with her toys in the chair while Mommie checked her email. Finally she curled up in Mommie's lap and went to bed. Our usual "NO NO BAD BABY!" time was literally cut in half.

Granted, I'm not delusional enough to believe this is a long term solution. I am fully aware that the newness of cool shit wears off. Amazingly, a child who cannot remember that crawling on the bottom of the coffee table gets a swat on the diaper, can remember that she played with this toy 3 days ago and it's a fucking boring toy! But for the time being Mommie got relief. And since it wasn't Mommie's $100 dollars that bought this extravegant child pacifying high chair, Mommie is HAPPY!

GO AHEAD, KEEP LAUGHING GRANDMA!!

Speaking of a little girl who is spoiled

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

I Need a Therapist

2008-02-29T21:47:00.000-06:00

Ever wonder what they would find out about you if they forced you to undergo a psychological evaluation? Ever think that maybe they would lock you up in a padded room? Now here's your chance to find out for sure. This is not one of those hokey pokey have a little fun tests. This test is brought to you straight from Psychology Today. It'll tell you everything that is wrong with you (and then some)!

So the true question then is this:
ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO SHARE YOUR RESULTS?

I'm not claiming bravery here. Quite the contrary. I fully intend to blame ever part of my psychological instabilities on my DELINQUENT FAMILY! So don't go giving me any metals or anything. This is purely out of my necessesity for evil, hateful, spriteful, family-bashing!

Here's what I learned:

My symptoms point towards BIPOLAR DISORDER! You think!?! Imagine that? One minute I'm laughing. One minute I'm crying. Hell, I'm so good at multitasking that I can laugh about crying, cry about laughing and end up laughing and crying at the same time! This one I'm blaming on my mother. My mother is the one who taught me to laugh in the face of diversity. So I can be very upset, sad, angry, etc. and still crack some wise ass joke about it. It's beyond my control. I cannot help but try and lighten any situation that seems to stressful for myself or someone else. I have to laugh. Laughter is my medication. Everyone else around me thinks I'm nutty as a fruit cake, but I'm happy.
I appear to suffer from obsessional thoughts! Well, I insist that my crayons be arranged by the colors of the rainbow. This is also true of my printer paper. I insist that the pieces of a board game all be arranged neatly in the box before it is closed. I insist that a deck of cards be arranged in order by suit before being placed back in a box (if the back has a design it must all face the same direction also). I routinely rearrange my kitchen cupboards so that like items are together. When I have the patience, I also arrange items by expiration date. I have to have all the books, DVDs, movies, etc. arranged by title, author or size. And I cannot empty a penny bank without obsessively counting every penny in the jar (even if I'm only going to place them back into the jar). But again, these things do not interfere with my life. I simply put things back where they belong and I don't empty the penny bank until it's time to take it to the bank. So who can I blame for this? The color issue has to do with the artistic side of me. Some of it is a desperate need to be organized amidst the rest of my clutter. And I imagine that part of it comes from my sperm donor. I obsessively make lists. Partly because I struggle with organization, and partly because I need to. When you come from a family like mine, lists are pretty natural. Hell, I have to write out a list just to explain my own family. Think I'm exagerating? I'm not. I am the oldest, middle, youngest, and only child in my family. Throw in my "foster" sister and I'm almost a twin. It takes a handful of lists just to explain that. Obsessive list making is definately inheritted.
My responses indicate that my relationship may be DISFUNCTIONAL! I'm shocked! Catholic boy turned atheist has a child out of wed-lock with a divorced woman he was dating while she was still married. Add into the mix the fact that my parents love him and his family loves me. There is something seriously wrong with us. What caused them to say my relationship was disfunctional? I admitted that we have trouble communicating and resolving issues. Why? Because we're both stubborn and bull-headed. Who is to blame? Well, us... but that's besides the point... lets find a better scapegoat. And the winner is.... my ex-husband. Why? Because I hate him, my family hates him, his own mother hates him... oh... I'm venting. Wanna know what the real kicker is? As if passing on our stubborn genetics to our daughter isn't enough... she was born a Taurus. Which, if her horoscope is true, already made her stubborn. Oh yes, we will be raising the next Stubborn asshole of the family! Can't wait until she's a teenager!
I might have Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder! What the Fuckoff?!?! LMAO... This means I have a low sex drive. HAHAHAHAHA! What a joke! I guess they've never heard of a Mommie and Daddy with a 10 month old and opposite shifts. We don't have a low sex drive. We have a lack of AVAILABILITY!! rotflmfao!!!
My responses indicate you may suffer from Dependant Personality Disorder! Okay, I get this. It's because I care too much what others think. I'm shy. It takes some time to warm up to people. I don't like being alone. Who does? If I enjoyed being alone would I have a hermit disorder. I guess there is a fine line between Dependant Personality and Anti-social or social anxiety disorder. I admit I hate being alone and sometimes I worry too much about what someone might think. Usually I only worry if I'm in a new or professional situation. Why? Because I'm strange and I know it. New people scare me because I want to get to know them first. I have to trust you to open up to you. As far as professional situations? Well, that just goes back to the "bipolar" thing. It's hard to be professional. I have trouble taking things seriously in the same sense that other do. Of course I take work seriously, but that doesn't mean I won't crack some joke to lighten it up. Some people are so uptight and overly "proper" that they mistake this as being childish. I just want fun and happiness.
I might also suffer from a brief psychotic episode, a major depressive episode, simple phobias, a social phobia, compulsive thoughts or behaviors, generalize anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, and/or borderline personality disorder! AND monkeys might fly out my ass if I sneeze!

It's all very simple. Yes, I probably have at least one of the things in this list. I bet you do too! But the truth is that I'm quite content with my life and I don't need a therapist to tell me something is wrong with me. You find me a therapist who grew up in a family with five other siblings (none of which are fully related to the others), had five step-mothers, two fathers, a hypocondriac aunt, a psychotic grandmother, a not-quite foster sister, an adoptive half step brother, an un-adopted cousin, a narcisitic aunt who is really their mother's cousin, and a baby brother who is 33 years younger than their big sister. Then they can analyize my head!

Until then, I'm going to be perfectly content living in my own little world where "everyone is a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!"

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WARNING: Major VENT!!!

2008-02-29T08:33:00.002-06:00

TARGET

SUCKS!

Okay, I've never been a big fan of them. However, I've given them a chance a couple of times. NEVER AGAIN!

This week I went to return some gifts that had been taking up space around my house. Namely, I was returning the $100 high chair that Ellie got for Christmas. Not that there was anything wrong with the high chair, just that Daddy Dearest and I had planned on the cheaper space saving model that just sits on a chair.

So anyway, we gather up the items to take to Target and go to the store. Keep in mind that going to TARGET first involves a 20 mile drive to town (we don't just up and go on a whim) and once in town, TARGET is on the opposite side of everything else I need to do. So even when I happen to be in town, it is not convienent for me to just *pop* over to the store.

So, would you like to know why I will never spend another dime in Target?

I took our items to the counter and explained that I knew the high chair was from here, and I wanted to get a gift card so we could get the high chair we wanted and some other items for our daughter.

TARGET WILL NOT RETURN ANY ITEM OVER $20 WITHOUT A GIFT RECIEPT!

I had three items to return (valued at $215 total). I was only allowed to return the $14 baby carrier. I spent the $16 gift card on stuff for the baby, bought 1 jar of formula because I didn't want to have to stop somewhere elseon my way home. The $25 for the formula will be the last time I shop there.

It's really a pity because I was just starting to warm up Target. I like the little dollar rack they have and the last time I was there, they were the only place in town who carried an extra large jar of the formula we use.

Unfortunately, Target does not care about customer service.

Seriously, what is the problem? If they had taken back my items they could have resold them. At least one of them was purchased on sale so they would have made an additional $20 on that item. If they had given me a gift card, I would have gladly spent it in their store. I would also have spent more money in their store. I have a growing child. SHE IS A GIRL!! GIRLS NEED EVERYTHING!! Not to mention the fact that we plan on having more children down the road. DOYOU KNOW HOW MUCH BABIES COST? DIAPERS, FORMULA, BOTTLES, ETC.

I realize that I am just one person. However, considering the way children grow, I would not be surprised if many parents are not happy with this return policy.

They do not allow returns over $20 without a reciept AND they only allow 2 returns per drivers licence per YEAR.

It simply doesn't make sense. I imagine limiting returns is to discourage shoplifting. I also know many stores have similar policies. I simply don't understand why a store would rather I keep an unwanted item AND be unhappy with their store rather than taking the items reselling it AND still getting my money!!

I informed the clerk I didn't care, I knew Wal-Mart sold that high chair and I knew they would be HAPPY to have my business from now on.

It's just STUPID!

Attention TARGET: Don't be STUPID!

For Sunshine (and anyone else who finds a need for such a letter)

2008-02-25T08:34:00.003-06:00

Here's your general letter of hatred to send out to all of the family members who have made you wish you were adopted or disowned. Simply choose one (or more) of the phrases in parenthesis to copy into the letter format:

Dear (worthless DNA sample/pathetic excuse for a parent/inconsiderate pompous-assed relative/person who makes me understand why animals eat their young),

After (carefully assessing your inconsiderate actions/years of overlooking your abusive behavior/desperately searching for my real relatives/pouring brake fluid over the paint on your Mercedes), I have decided (you are no worth my precious time/your insecurity is paled only by your stupidity/to put myself up for adoption on Ebay/I will be running off to join the circus). I'm tired of (being your personal crutch to lean on/playing the family scapegoat/swallowing your shit politely/paying the therapist to fix the damage you've done). From now on I plan to (lie about where I come from/make your life as miserable as you've made mine/run and scream frantically if I see you in public/give my therapist your credit card number). Maybe someday you will be able to look at this and realize (you were never meant to reproduce/you really need to pull your head out of your ass and catch a little fresh air/this world does not revolve around your fat ass/you really shouldn't eat yellow snow).

I know you are thinking that (I will regret this someday/I will get over this mad spell/this really doesn't change anything/now you can spend all the money you were going to leave me), but the truth is (I feel better than I ever did/I'm not willing to waste my time staying mad at you/someday you will pay for what you've done to me/I still get to pick your carehome someday). Now that I have found (a life without your negativity/someone to take your place/the key to your backdoor/the money you were hiding under the mattress) I will not be bothered by (your endless whining and bickering/your deathbed confessions/army of narrow-minded minnons who try to bully people/the voices in my head).

In the future, if you feel the need to (torture me for your own sick amusement/bad-mouth me to everyone you know/clear your conscience/eat cheetos in your underwear) please be aware that (I will not hesitate to run you over with my vehicle/I'm willing to publish all our secrets in the local paper/I will not be accepting letters or phone calls from you/I have plenty of blackmail photos).

All I'm asking is for you to (stay the hell out of my life/stop spreading rumors and lies about me/treat me with at least the same respect you treat the dog/drop dead in the near future). I don't think that is too much to ask.

If for some reason you (cannot give me my space/must do something to cause discontent in my life/feel the need to ruin the lives of those around you/decide to act like a civilized human being) please keep in mind that I (carry a loaded weapon/know which foods you are allergic to/am willing to send detailed letters to the whole family/might suffer from a sudden case of amnesia, causing me to forget you are related to me). I really do not care if you (fall off the face of the earth/get your feelings hurt over this/drag the whole family into this matter/pass out drunk on the front lawn naked) because I know that I (have every right to a peaceful life/do not need hypocrites like you in my life/don't even like half of the people you talk to/know enough of your dark secrets to embarass the whole family).

From now on I will do my best not to (bombard you with insults and threats/hire a sociopath to hunt you down/dump itch powder in your underwear/accidentally light your house on fire). I feel that this is in the best interest of (both of us/our family and friends/nuclear treaties/the little people in my head).

Sincerely yours,
(the half-drunk seed of your loins who is trying desperately to erase their childhood/the relative that you would love to sweep under the rug/the bastard child that simply wants to make your life as miserable as you made mine/the person who watches you through the scope of a sniper rifle every night)

This letter should be sufficient for almost everyone's needs, however, in the event that you are in desperate need of a letter for a more specific situation, I will be happy to do my part. Please keep in mind that letter to family members are not guaranteed in any way to get people to realize what is going on. Some family members are simply too stupid to understand even the simplest explanation. Also, do to the high demand for letters in my own life, I cannot guarantee a timeframe for individual letters. While I will try very hard to complete your letters before the response time frame has passed, there may be cases that I simply an unable to do that. Since this is not a paid service, I will not be held responsible for reconsiliations that might occur during that time, hence I am also not responsible for future physical or emotional damage due to such a reconsiliation.

The Brighter Side

2008-02-24T20:27:00.006-06:00

On the brighter side of things (scroll down to next post if you've missed the Dark Side!)

I do have some good people in my family. (Okay, so Sainthood is probably not in any of their futures, but as far as I know they haven't drown any kittens in the past few days!)

I have an Aunt & Uncle who go out of their way to visit my family whenever we make the trip to my parents. They have 3 wonderful kids who try to come with them when their schedules work out.

I have one cousin who forgives all of us "misfits" who don't want to put up with the B.S. anymore. She's torn between the family because her parents are on one side of the fence. But she listens to us VENT and is overall the perfect (She's pretty, smart, a great girl, a hard-worker, and a wonderful Mom... makes me want to FUCKING puke on her) person.

I have an adopted cousin who tries to stay out of it all.

I have an Aunt (actually Mom's cousin) who finds the whole thing hilarious and listens to us complain if only for her own sick amusement. But we love her for it.

I have another Aunt (actually Mom's aunt) and her family. All of whom are pretty decent people. They certainly don't deserve a lot of the shit they have to put up with. And life has dealth them a pretty crappy hand these days. But overall, I've got nothing against any of them.

I've got a great-uncle who sees everything and says nothing. He's great with all of the children and loves us all even though we're certifiably insane.

And I imagine there are a handful of other lunatics out there who are semi-tolerable as relatives.

So, here's my family roster and where they rank on MY family Christmas list:

Level 1 - I have your address, email, phone number and/or cell phone easily at hand and I am willing to use it without cringing in horror at the thought: Mom and Dad; Uncle M & Aunt C; 4 cousins + spouses & kids; 2 half-sisters; 1 niece; 1 nephew; Dad's youngest son, his wife & their boys; Brother-in-law, his wife, & their boys.
Level 2 - I know you, you know me, we like each other and as a result we've agreed to not do anything to intentionally piss each other off: Neutral relatives; Adopted brother; Mrs. A & her hubby; Mrs. B & kids; a handful of co-workers; the In-Laws.
Level 3 - I know you and I promise not to run you over if you're crossing the street in front of my car: Adopted family members; neighbors; illegitimate and unfamiliar siblings
Level 4 - I would seriously consider pissing on your face is it was on fire: 1 cousin & her husband; 2 Uncles & their wives
Level 5 - I wouldn't hire a serial killer to hunt you down: Biological father's family
Level 6 - You make it easy to understand why a woman would drive hundreds of miles in a diaper to get revenge on someone: Grandparents & Biological father

So, if you're reading this and you wish that you were listed on a higher level that you currently are, than I suggest that you pull your head out of your ass and get your priorities straight.

Congrats to all the people in the top two levels. If you feel that you might be unfairly lumped into one of the lower groups. Feel free to contact me on the matter and I'll be happy to A) clarify whether you were unfairly stereotyped and should have been listed elsewhere, or B) give you a good ass-chewing if I feel that you are in desperate need of it.

My Family Is Messed Up

2008-02-24T20:27:00.003-06:00

Have I told you lately that I have a really messed up family?

Let me clarify this:

Grandma FuckHead - Problem causing, over-dramatic, attention seeking, delusional maniac. That's right. This woman is not happy unless someone else is unhappy. For the past 50 years, her passion has been antagonizing my mother whenever possible. Unfortunately, now that we've said "enough is enough" she no longer has my mother for a target. My sympathy to the next victim on her list (unless you brough it on yourself)
Grandpa JackAss - For years I thought he was just a spineless by-stander to his wife's antics. However, new incidents have made it perfectly clear that he'd rather wash his hands of his own family than admit that he or his wife have ever done anything wrong. NEWS FLASH!! I'd say telling your daughter that you didn't care if you ever saw your granddaughter or unborn great-granddaughter again definately qualifies as doing something wrong. And since I'm the one who decides whether you see us, I'd say my judgement matters a lot.
Uncle YesMan - Good-hearted guy who would do anything for his parents. Including, getting in the middle of an argument that had nothing to do with him. Hope it didn't turn out to backfire on him.
Aunt Sickly - Sweet aunt who married into a fucked up family. Tragically, she suffers from a major medical condition. Unfortunately, I have no sympathy since she milks it for all it's worth.
Uncle Scared-of-Me - Mouthy, red-headed uncle who used to get in the middle of things. However, since he tangled with a mouthy niece of his, he seems to have thought better of it. I wasn't bluffing when I told him I would expose the whole family's dirty little secrets if he didn't lay off on my Mom. Hell, I publish them in the damn newspaper!
Aunt Newly-Wed - Girl never knew what hit her. As if being married to my Uncle isn't hard enough, I swear my grandmother is permanently attached to her hip. Hope she likes threesomes. Probably shouldn't have sent Mom a book about how to be a person though. Doesn't win you any brownie points on this end of the field. Ignorance is no escuse.
Cousin Dippy & her Husband Deaf-Boy - Don't care that you are "disabled". You are no more disabled then the rest of this messed up lot. Not to mention that "disablity" has never been an excuse for STUPIDITY! You aren't my family. Your wife was adopted. She was only adopted because she wasn't getting enough attention at the time. The proof of that is the fact that she now cares more about her biological POS than the man who worked his fingers to the bone raising her with love. Neither one of you are worth the air you breathe.

Now, after months of silence on this matter, why am I suddenly up in arms about it?

It all has to do with my Grandmother's family. My Grandmother is one of four children. We'll call them Grandma, Uncle C, Uncle D (his wife Aunt B) and Uncle J (his wife Aunt M).

Since this is mainly about how you treat your kids, we're going to take Uncle C out of the picture because he has no children and has never been married. That being said, here's the situation:

My Grandmother has 4 children. She has only one daughter. She could care less if her daughter is part of her life. She would probably care less if she died.
Aunt B has umpteen children. She has only one daughter. She could care less if her daughter is part of her life. Her daughter almost died of liver cancer and she never cared.
Aunt M has three children. She has two daughters. She loves BOTH her daughters UNCONDITIONALLY. She would do anything in her power for her children.

Three women and only one of them gives a crap about her own daughters. So here's the real kicker. The one woman who cares about her children, loves them unconditionally, is about to lose one of them to cancer. HOW FUCKING FAIR IS THAT!!

No one deserves to lose their child. No one should have to suffer that loss. I'm not saying that I'd rather my Mother or my Aunt died. I'm just saying it isn't right that people who love their children lose them, while people who base thier lives on hurting their own kids never have to face such a loss.

--------------------------

Message to God: On the Commandments

1) Only an insecure God would be fearful that I might worship other Gods.

2) Only an insignificant God would feel threatened by meer words.

3) Only an egotistical God would demand 1/7th of my life be spent idly worshipping him.

4) Only an ignorant God would ask me to honor a man like my Father.

5) Only an ashamed God would view sex as a crime.

6) Only an unseeing God would justify materialism when people are starving.

7) Only an unhearing God would think the truth is always right. (Truth hurts)

8) Only an unrealistic God would think it a sin to wish for something.

9) Only a sexist God would distinguish sins by gender.

AND

10) Only a hypocritical God would make it sinful for Man but not himself or in his name.

And in case this post inspires you to PRAY for MY SOUL, please keep this in mind:

If YOU are right and GOD is as you say, HE will either forgive me based upon MY thoughts and actions or HE won't. I would not change what I have done, said, or felt.

If MY MOTHER is right, and I have fallen short, then I will return to try again.

If DADDY DEAREST is right, then we simply die and decompose.

I DON'T NEED ANYONE WASTING TIME AND OXYGEN ON PRAYERS FOR MY SALVATION. I don't need prayer mats in my mailbox, ministers reading books, pamphlets in my doors, or comments reassuring me that God is with us. Give your time to your family. Give your time to your God. Give your time to those who truly need and want salvation. Leave me out of your tax-exempt, money making, world-controlling, mind-washing schemes!

Thank You!

Happy Valentines Day

2008-02-19T09:06:00.001-06:00

After an hour and a half of shopping we decided that Kays doesn't want to sell jewelry. The sales clerk had an empty store (I quickly learned why) and simply pointed us in the direction of their rings and the catalogue. Then watched from the register as if we might leap over the counter and grab it at any moment.

Luckily, the wonderful girl at ZALES was more than happy to cater to my endless uncertainty in what I wanted. I bet she showed us two dozen rings over the course of three seperate visits.

I must say, I fell madly in love with this beautiful garnet ring that is fit for a queen. This picture does in NO JUSTICE. Serious, a side view of this ring is gorgeous. Fist it sticks off your hand about a full half inch and the diamond embellishments go down the sides of the ring in a U-shape under the garnet. Along the sides there are also two more garnets (one on each side) - the small rim of gold along the bottom of the central garnet in the picture shows where these two gems are. It's absolutely fit for royalty.

But I digress. It was simply far too much ring for me. Don't get me wrong. I'd definately wear it if he bought it. But it's a lot of ring for such a small hand.

So the final decision was a beautiful cluster diamond ring.

And just so you don't FREAK out. No, it is still NOT OFFICIAL!! This was JUST my PRESENT!!

But you probably oughta get used to the general idea because we all know it's going to happen one of these days, we're just not gonna break the bank to get there in a hurry. It's just a minor formality at this point and we'll get around to it when the stars align just right.

Meanwhile, I'm loving that ring!!

Have a great week!

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Dear Readers

2008-02-17T20:39:00.002-06:00

Okay... lets do a quick recap to get back on the right page.

December:

10th - Killer ice storm hits. We lose power for a week. Go stay with the in-laws. As much as we enjoyed their hospitality, it was definately good to get to come back home.

21st - Ballet Recital. Ellie sat through the whole thing without fussing. Fabulous child! Wonderful show! BRAVO to Court for her performance.

23rd - Christmas with the in-laws. Wonderful time. Hope everyone enjoyed it as much as we did.

24th - Christmas with Grandparents. No, not those assholes that branch off my family tree. The full-blow Catholic family that doesn't seem to mind Daddy & Me not being married. Funny that they can be so HUMAN and my own biological family cannot pull their heads out of their asses long enough to say "I'M SORRY". It was a wonderful dinner (always is) and no one said anything bad about anyone else in the family (even those that weren't there!). SO THAT'S HOW FAMILY IS SUPPOSED TO ACT! Learn something new all the time.

25th - Christmas in Kansas City. The first Christmas with the other half of the full-blow Catholic family. AMAZING. Not a single person spoke badly of anyone else here either! Everyone was happy to see us and no one seems to mind the "unmarried couple" or our sinful ways. Everyone was pleasant and welcoming. Maybe my family should start some religious cult so they at least have an excuse for why they are such assholes. Because if the Catholics can overlook things that strictly go against their faith (for the sake of family) you would certainly think those back-woods, under-educated, hypocritical hillbillies that branch off my family tree could suck up enough courtesy to be CIVIL!

26th - DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS SALES. My parents came for Christmas. It was fabulous to have them. I love that someone actually got to have a holiday in my own home. We loved having them here. Of course I bought way too many snacks and food but I think that's always the case when you have company. Thanks a bunch to Mom & Dad for everything. Hope you can visit again soon.

The rest of the holidays flew by uneventfully fast.

January

11th - Happy Birthday To Me. Mrs. B and her brother watched Miss Ellie so Daddy could take me out. We went to dinner at Old Chicago and then off to see a movie. SWEENY TODD. LOVED IT. Had a great time. THANKS A BUNCH!

17th - Daddy watched Miss Ellie so Mrs. B and I could go out for one last girl's night out & Happy Birthday to ME. Had dinner at IHOP (LOVE STUFFED FRENCH TOAST!) and then went to see THE BUCKET LIST. We decided if we're ever both dying that will so be US!! CRIED. Damn movies that make me LEAK! Loved it though. THANKS A BUNCH!

After that, January flew by uneventfully fast.

February

SICK SICK SICK SICK
Don't even know when we got sick. We've all been sick. I'm still walking around coughing like someone who just walked out of the coal mines. Okay. That's extreme, but I'd really like to kick the cough.

V-Day - It was colder than crap. Daddy wanted to take me out to dinner and a movie, but I said I'd just as soon stay home and have dinner and a movie in the warmth of a cozy blanket. It was so! We'll go out when the weather is more presentable. At the rate winter's been going this year, it might warm up sometime in June! The snow might melt by August!

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT! THE 4-1-1 on everything you've missed.

Okay, not EVERYTHING. There were some X-rated moments I left out for the sake of you're own well being.

Oh, I forgot to mention that in the midst of this whole messy, sloppy, slushy winter, I've been fighting a ridiculous battle with the housing commitee. IDIOTS!

The whole things started when we came home on my birthday to find tow notices on my vehicles. They've been parked in the same place for 2 years and it suddenly became a NO PARKING AREA. Here's the real kicker though. They put these 5x8 stickers on the windows of several cars stating they would tow them. However, due to a lack of parking ordinance in town, they have no right to tow vehicles. Plus, the idiots don't even know where the property line is, so they aren't even sure if these vehicles were parked on their property or not. Luckily, I'm not vendictive enough to file vandalism charges. Instead, I go to all their meetings and drag them out way longer than they need to because they have to listen to me put my two cents in on all the rules and regulations they're trying to pass. So at the January meeting, they had to table the parking issue. Later they had a special meeting to try and resolve the matter.

Next week there is another meeting that I get to go to. If I had some bright orange clothes, I'd dress as an inmate. Our new rule books state that we cannot swear. We can't own flammable items. Children cannot play on the sidewalks, in the buildings, or in the street (so much for chasing headlights!). I can lose my home if someone I know gets arrested (even if they aren't convicted). I have to have curtains, but I need written permission to put up a curtain rod. I'm responsible for cleaning up after my neighbors pets. All decorations must be approved by management. AND I'm not allowed to do anything, own anything, or think about anything that might offend someone else.

Okay, so I might be taking things a bit to an extreme, but seriously, if you read our new book you would see how ridiculous this stuff is.

I've been tempted to send condoms to all the board members to let them know if they're going to screw me, please use protection!

It's been hectic and I still need to find time to get thank you's out. Yes I know it's late, but better than never.

ANYWAY! You now have a full update. As far as pictures. I still haven't taken them off my camera or phone. When I do, I'll be sure to get them posted for you viewing pleasure. SO LAY OFF!!

Love and happy belated holidays.
Ellie's Mommie

Don't be a hypocrite!

2007-11-29T13:46:00.001-06:00

You're okay when the school censors clothing that promotes alocohol, tobacco or drugs. You're okay when the school censors clothing that implies inappropriate behavior.

You're okay when the school censors how short skirts can be, even if that means the cheerleaders are not allowed to wear their uniforms to school.

You're okay when the school censors chains, trench coats, bandanas, head bands and jewelry.

You even recommend that the school should censor some of the books that are extremely graphic and intense.

However, the minute someone points out that your pep club t-shirts might be taken the wrong way, you are instantly pissed to hell and back!

I'm sorry that it didn't click in your mind. Clearly, it is an issue you need to take up with your husband. Thankfully, I am not the only person who totally understands how someone could take your "logo" the wrong way.

Yes we may be sickos. We may be perverts. We may need to get our minds out of the gutter. But that is besides the point.

"GIVE US SOMETHING TO SCREAM ABOUT!" can be taken wrong on so many levels.

The madder you get, the more I think you are just jealous that some of us have something to scream about!!!

And if my memory serves me right, I do recall a few cheerleaders who had something to scream about on the bus ride home from the game.

You want to censor things, you're gonna have to get over it and choose a new logo.

Sorry if it hurt your feel bads, but I'm just speaking the truth. You can't have one set of rules for the school and another set for your organizations.

I still vote you leave the shirts the way they are. But I'm a trouble making bitch like that who loves to see "upity" people all freaked out over stupid bullshit.

Better yet, get T-shirts that say:

"SEND THIS BACK TO MY PARENTS SOAKED!"

That'll piss em off!

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Yes, She ALWAYS smiles for the camera!!

2007-11-24T23:40:00.000-06:00

We're #1

----------*----------

I'm a little munchkin child!!

----------*----------

Come any closer and I'll sock you one!

----------*----------

Happy Holidays!!

My latest accomplishment!

2007-11-14T15:24:00.001-06:00

About a week ago, I recieved a postcard from an "anonomous" mailer letting me know that there would be a party for my great-uncles birthday. Since my mother had recieved a phone call a few days prior, it was no surprise that there was a party. It was, however, a surprise to find the postcard in the mail THE DAY BEFORE the "party"!! Unfortunately, much like our summer camp out, I was unable to attend on such a short notice!

Upon closer examination, I realized that the "mystery mailer" had suddenly forgotten my name! I realize that I haven't spoken to anyone in a while, but I'm pretty sure there are enough gossip-mongers around to spread the news if I had run off with the pizza boy and changed my name to SNITZLEBOGGER MCGOOGLETON!!

Further examination, revealed my address was wrong, which probably (along with no last name) contributed to the late arrival of my postcard. I find it very difficult to believe that the "mystery mailer" was capable of remembering my zip code, but somehow forgot my house number by accident.

At this point I became a little bit irked. Honestly, why in the world would you take the time to invite me to a party and then intentionally forget my name, miswrite my address, and then not even sign the postcard (I mean photograph you wrote on the back of) with your name or return address? WHAT A WASTE OF A STAMP!! If you were trying to punish me, you might start by keeping me away from things I like. Eating dinner at a cheesy western bar with a bunch of 70-year-olds is not my idea of great excitement!! Gee, real sorry I missed out on all that excitement!!

So today, I finally found the time to be a real BITCH!

I sent a postcard with these two maps on the front:

Then, I took a knife and cut out a square in Nebraska where my parents live, and a square in Kansas where I live.

Written in the upper left, it says:

Since you find it

so hard to simply

APPOLOGIZE

for being WRONG!

Written in the bottom right:

Maybe it

will be easier

if you just

DO THIS!

On the back I wrote:

I'm not dumb enough to believe you lost my

address or accidentally forgot how to write it

correctly. I'm not stupid enough to think that

you forgot what MY LAST NAME WAS! And

I don't think it's a coincidence that your post-

card arrived in my mail the day before the party!

GROW UP!!!

Since you can't act like adults, please forget

where I live, lose my address, erase my phone

number AND forget any "holidays".

AND LEAVE MY PARENTS ALONE!! You

didn't give a shit when it mattered so don't

bother them now!

Along the bottom edge I placed our latest family pic, a pic of Ellie, and two 3-generation photos. Of course, I couldn't resist strategically placing hearts over Ellie's face in ALL of the pictures! (that was the influence of my mother & co-worker)

Then I wrote near the pictures in small print:

Does this make

you mad?

I'd apologize

but I don't

think I've done

anything

wrong!

Hand written along the middle edge it says:

Looks like childish bullshit is contagious!

Since I wanted to be sure my postcard arrived, I did not omit the last name... instead I mispelled it henDICKS!!! Then I addressed it to the wrong P.O. Box (40 instead of 42).

I will be mailing this postcard today or tomorrow... oh the joys!

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO MESS WITH ME???!!!

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Guess Who?

2007-11-09T21:34:00.000-06:00

Mommie & Ellie on Halloween 2007 at the Mall.

Dressed up as a school girl with an apple!

When Grandma & Grandpa Visit

2007-10-28T17:17:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time in a tiny little apartment there lived three little bears. A Daddy bear, a Mommie bear, and a baby Ellie bear. One weekend, Grandma Bear and Grandpa Bear were visiting. The first night, all of the Bears piled into the little one bedroom apartment and everything was fine and dandy.

On the second day, Grandma Bear, Mommie Bear and Baby Ellie Bear went shopping and had their pictures taken.

Baby Ellie Bear had a couple of pictures taken of herself too.
But she was not impressed when Mommie Bear and Grandma Bear decided to smother her in kisses.
After some more kisses, a lengthy shopping spree, and a stupid cashier who thought I wouldn't say anything about $8.11 cents worth of coupons that she just sat aside without crediting... the Lady Bears went back to their small cave resort.

Later that evening Goldilocks stumbled by with her two cubs dressed for Halloween. The genearal assumption is that Goldilocks wanted to ask Mama bear to give her a ride to the Halloween party, but since Goldilocks has been especially crappy lately (and Mommie Bear thinks she'd make an entertaining tether ball) Grandma Bear answered the door with teeth bared. Goldilocks did not ask if we had any chairs, porridge or cozy beds, but instead went begging elsewhere. A wise decision since I'm not sure I had any toothpicks around for Grandma Bear to pick her teeth with. Also, I don't think there's enough Listerine in the world to get that BAD TASTE out of Grandma Bears mouth.

Anyway, all was good and fun. Grandma and Grandpa Bear seemed to have a good time and we enjoyed having them here to visit. Hopefully next time they visit, we'll have a little bigger cave to give us all a little more elbow room.

Love & Kisses,

THE BEAR (not BARE) FAMILY!!

** Stay tuned for the tortures of Halloween and other pictures snapped this weekend.

Fabulous Deals 10/21

2007-10-21T01:01:00.000-06:00

Since I'm a Mommie now, I'm always on the look out for fabulous deals, freebies, and good coupons. Cousin Mole, having given birth to Deadbeat Dyke's lovechild, is also on the lookout for good deals. As a result, I'm dedicating a whole new section to shopping bargains, excellent coupons, and freebies. Anytime I find something awesome/useful/relatively handy, I'll post it to share with all.

What makes me different from other people who list free stuff? I don't list the "SCAMS".

FREE-LOADER TIP #1 - if you are looking for free things and the opening screen simply asks for an email... don't do it, they'll spam your address, plus they always require you to participate in their programs. Bad sites are brandarama.com and anything that looks too good to be true.

FREE-LOADER TIP #2 - you may want to sign up for a free email address just for the freebies. I won't send you to any spam sites, but some of the companies send you emails and eventually you'll get bogged down in crap. I get so much spam I don't notice, but it's just a thought.

FREE-LOADER TIP #3 - I do not guarantee any of these freebies to arrive. I'll make a note if I did receive my sample and I'll try to let you know the size, quality, and if it had coupons. But honestly, I get so many samples anymore that I can't keep track of them.

FREE-LOADER TIP #4 - I can't guarantee the offer is still there. Walmart changes their samples often so check back to their site often. I've gotten some good samples from them (Dry Cleaner Sheets, Purex Detergent & Softener, Listerine Whitening Strips, etc.) They're always changing them. Other offers expire or run out of supplies.

Hope you can get some use out of some of this

Today's picks:

Upromise - If you have a credit card you're willing to register OR shop at certain stores (Dillon's, Gerbe's, Baker's, GNC, Walmart.com, etc.) you can sign up free at this website and a percentage of your purchases for certain products (Tylenol, Flintstone vitamins, certain groceries, etc.) will be saved toward a college fund for your child, a friends child, etc. Check it out! (I'm a member & I'm happy with it)

Tylenol Recall - In light of the recent recall for Infant Tylenol Cold & Cough products, Tylenol is offering you a coupon for $5 off a Tylenol product (Expiration date 11/19/07) It's a printable coupon, so you may be asked to install the coupon printer, but it's no big deal. Click the link at the bottom of the recall notice to print coupon. (Coupon printed no problem)

Rebate on Polident Denture Care - Haven't tried it, but it's a company site so it's safe if you're interested.

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL FREE SAMPLES
(I got tired of typing Free Sample)

Smokers - Free Sample of Nicorette Red - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

Hairapy - Free Sample of Sunsilk Shampoo/Conditioner - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. Get another free sample HERE. (Got this one from Walmart. One application shampoo, one conditioner, one after shower conditioning stuff, plus a coupon)

Tylenol PM Rapid Release - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

NurtaSweet - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

Baby Formula - Free Sample of Parent's Choice Gentle (Walmart Brand) - Fill out the information and they will send you a bag of formula (1 day supply, no coupon) - Did it, got it, gave it to a neighbor when she ran out the day before payday. Just fill out your mailing address, email, and answer a couple questions. Another 30 second easy one.

Baby Formula - Another Free Sample of Parent's Choice Milk Formula - Same website as above, just a different formula. You can request samples of both. (Did it! 1 Day supply, no coupon.)

Baby Bowl from Beechnut - Sign up for their email newsletter and they'll send you a bowl for your baby. (Got it!)

Dove Cool Moisture hair care - Fill out easy form, get a free sample. I love dove samples, they aren't cheap crappy samples. They usually come in the trial size containers, but I haven't gotten this one yet so who knows. Get another Dove hair care sample HERE. Again, haven't gotten this one so not sure on the size.

Reviva Skin Care - Never heard of the company, haven't signed up yet, but it's another easy form to fill out.

Murad Intensive Wrinkle Reducer - Again, don't know much on this one, but if your interested, it's not a scam.

Always - Fill it out for your daughter (mine's 5 months old so I guess I'll get the samples, but anyway) you'll get free samples for a happy period (yeah right!) Want more Always Samples click HERE. Prefer Tampex? Get them HERE. (I have gotten some samples from Always - not sure it's the same request, but they came with cute stickers and a sticky note pad). How about Kotex? Or Playtex?

L'Oreal Skin Genesis - This one came the other day, small sample packet and it might have had a coupon, can't remember. Click pink hexagon when screen loads.

Eucerin Calming - Simple form. Haven't done it.

Lotion sample from The Healing Garden - Simple form. Haven't got it.

Dove Energy Glow Lotion - Got this one it was a trial size bottle. It's a lotion with a light tanner in it. Have I mentioned I love Dove?

Dove Proage - I got the deoderant. Love it. Also came in a trial size container with coupons.

Garnier Nutritioniste - This one's from the company site so I'm sure it's the real deal, but I haven't done it yet.

CoffeeMate - This one says I can't republish their offer and since I'm not sure what that means, I'll just tell you to check out this link before October 31st if you enjoy a little something extra in your morning coffee. (I know I said not to go to sites that start out just asking for your email, but this one's okay. It's the company site.)

Sensodyne Toothpaste - Get a sample of ProNamel and a regular Sensodyne sample. Requires sign up with GlakoSmithClyne or whatever the company is. Did it today so haven't got samples yet. Teeth still not clean enough? Get some Aquafresh Extreme Clean (prints a buy one free coupon, must activate coupon printer) and then get more Aquafresh coupons under "Savings & Special Offers:

Reach Access Flosser - Link to free flosser on right side of screen. Also a link to printable coupon. Did it today.

This one is for Adult's over 18 only - Durex lubricant - I'm not fond of this brand so I haven't done it, but it might be worth someone's interest. If you prefer Astroglide, get a sample of that HERE. (got it - enough said!)

And with that, "I'm Spent!"
Have a great week!!

What a STEAL!!

2007-10-10T10:55:00.001-06:00

Why I am the total BOMB?

I went to Sears on Sunday (and MONDAY) and bought the following items on clearance! You really need to look at the prices on these items... it's INSANE!

in brown . . . cost? . . . $1.99 (Originally $29.99)

in red . . . cost? . . . $0.89 (Originally $16.00)

cost? . . . $1.49 (Originally $29.99)

in green . . . cost? . . . $2.69 (Originally $39.99)

cream w/ floral print . . . cost? . . . $0.99 (Originally $11.98)

So lets see... if you share the jeans with the two tops I bought 4 outfits (2 dresses, two jean/tops)

The retail value of the clothes was . . . $127.95!!!

How much did I pay? $8.05!!!

Do you see that? RIDICULOUS!!! 4 outfits for $8!! I can't even buy a pair of sweat pants at Wal-Mart for that price!! CRAZY!!

Speaking of Wal-Mart... they do make my weekend sales list.

On Saturday, I bought the following there:

cost? $4.00 (Originally $18.92)

cost? $4.50 (Originally $5.77)

AND

a pair of sexy red high heels for $7.00 (Originally about $28)

Yeah... I'm a BARGAIN WHORE... you're just jealous!

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