How Do I Love Thee

Animal Control

2008-04-03T16:50:00.002-06:00

Living in a small rural community definately has it's drawbacks. Living 20 miles from the nearest grocery store definately requires you to do some planning and juggle some schedules. You can't just make a quick run to pay your bills or pick up something you might have forgotten. However, these things are the price that we pay for the knowledge that we can walk down the street without being shot at and the pleasure of not hearing 15,000 cars pass by our house each day (though I think the fort shooting off their howitzers sort of limits that pleasure).

However, there is one drawback that I never expected.

We do not have any form of animal control!

Stray animals are an issues in nearly every area. There is simply no way to avoid it. There will always be those people who simply are not fit to care for their pets. There will always be those animals that have escaped from their owners or are abandoned.

So what is the humane way to deal with the matter? The logical answer would be to contact your local Animal Shelter to take the animal in. YOU'DE THINK!!

The fact of the matter is that if you live in a remote area, no one cares about these animals or the people that they are inconvienencing.

Here is the conversation that took place between a co-worker and our local Animal Shelter today:

Co-worker: "Hello, I have a stray dog that I need to find a place for."
Staff: "Where are you?"
Co-worker: "Bum Fuck Kansas"*
Staff: "Well, you need to contact your local animal control officer."
Co-worker: "We don't have an animal control officer, I was told to contact you."
Staff: "Let me see. You need to contact Jill Dogcatcher."
Co-worker: "She no longer works for animal control."
Staff: "Please hold."
...
...
...
Staff: "It appears that Bum Fuck Kansas has not signed a contract with us, therefore we no longer service your community."
Co-worker: "So what am I supposed to do with this dog?"
Staff: "Well, you can bring it in to the shelter, but we charge $80 to take in an animal."
Co-worker: "You're telling me I have to pay $80 to dispose of a stray dog! Why would I do that?"
Staff: "Well, you are not in our service area so we do will not come get the dog."
Co-worker: "Right. But you're telling me if I bring the dog in to you, you're going to charge me $80! What if I run the dog to the city limits with my gun? Then call you to come get him?"
Staff: "WHAT!!"
Co-worker: "Well, that's the option you're leaving me. I'm not paying you $80 to take in a dog that isn't even mine! That's stupid!"
Staff: "Well... um... uh..."
Co-worker: "Basically you're telling me that instead of doing the right thing by bringing this animal in for shelter, I'd just be better off to chase it into town or leave it to starve."
Staff: "Well, no. If you bring the animal after business hours, you can leave it in the drop box for free."
Co-worker: "But if I bring it to you during business hours you're going to charge me $80."
Staff: "Have you tried calling your local police?"
Co-worker: "We don't have 'local' police. We are serviced by the police in YOUR town."
Staff: "Well, have you tried contacting them?"
Co-worker: "Yes, they said I should contact you!"
Staff: "Well, I'm sorry. You're more than welcome to bring the animal in."
Co-worker: "If I bring you $80!! A bullet would be cheaper!!"
*click*

If this isn't the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life!!

I realize that caring for stray animals has its expenses, however, this shelter is partnered with the humane society which recieves donations for such expenses. On top of that, the animal shelter charges adoption fees for animals in order to compensate them for the care of the animals.

Can a police officer transport the animal? No! Not unless it is a dangerous animal. Why? Because the animal shelter may bill the police department the $80 fee for the animal! While you might think, "So what, the police department pay it!" I can't help but think how much $80 per stray might add up to. On top of the time the officers would be wasting transporting stray animals, I certainly would rather the money was spent on catching criminals and keeping my neighborhood safe.

So what can you do about these abandoned and neglected animals?

Well, if you are wealthy enough to have a spare $80 laying around, you could pay the shelter the $80 to take the animal in. But since $80 goes a long way in my household (formula for a month, diapers for a month, clothes, groceries, toys, etc.) that is not an option. I imagine that is not an option for most of the people who live around here.
So, your second option is to pack the dog up in the evening and drop it in their "drop box" (WTF?) for free. However, most people have families to tend to in the evenings and work the next day. So driving 40 miles round trip to find a safe home for a stray is not likely.
You could always adopt the dog into your own family. Of course there won't be any agencies bailing you out when you can't afford vet bills, shots, toys, dog food, etc. And when you excede the limits of any city ordinances, you'll be facing fines and more hassel than you could imagine.
I wonder what the shelter would do if you drove the animal into town and kicked it out of your car in their parking lot. Then you could call there number and say, "Do you realize you have a stray dog roaming around in your parking lot?" What are they going to do?
I guess it would be just as easy to drive the animal into any other part of town and release it. You could either call the shelter or hell, leave it for something else to deal with.
You can always kick the animal to the curb and let Darwin's theory take effect. I'm sure the Humane Society highly supports the idea that all these pets will be left on the streets to starve to death.
That being said, I'm certain that the Humane Society would definately NOT approve of my final and most EFFECTIVE method. The cheapest solution is to pack the dog up in your car, drive 2 miles out of town to the country and spend 50 cents to put a bullet in the animal's head!! Personally, I find that much more humane than allowing the animal to starve to death. It also prevents further annoyances and the possibility that the animal may become sick and/or endanger local residents. It saves gasoline by reducing the drive, and as a result also benefits the environment by reducing the greenhouse gases your car would have emitted driving the dog into town. In addition, it will leave an opening for another needy animal in the shelter and the $80 you save will lessen the strain on the economy because the money can be spent supporting your family, making a larger payment on your mortgage, donating to another needy cause, or saving for your child's college fund! This seems like the all around best solution in this particular scenerio.

As an animal lover, I certainly do not promote the idea of randomly shooting all stray animals. However, when local organizations make it difficult to do what is best for these animals, I see no better alternative. Far better to put the animal down mercifully than to see it injured by a vehicle, or struggling to survive on it's own!!

You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.

There Once Was an Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe

2008-03-31T13:48:00.002-06:00

SHE HAD SO MANY CATS - She didn't know what to do!!

I need to tell you about my mother. My mother is an animal person. There has not been a moment in her life when there wasn't at least one animal in her home. For most of my adult life, my parents have had two dogs and a house cat. That's it. Three pet maximum. No way we were going to have more.

However, as the years progress, the cattle herd is getting smaller and smaller. The number of farm cats is increasing at a rapid rate! One of two things is happening:

1) Longhorn cows ate carnivores who eat farm cats and without cows, the cat population is booming

2) My mother has found her true calling as a cat herder!!

The funny thing is, we can all remember, not too long ago, when there was only ONE outside cat.

She showed up on my mother's porch, fat and miserable one day. Three days later she dropped a litter of 6 kittens on my mother's porch. Mom picked them up, loved them, cared for them.

My mother is a very loving person (to animals) and she was diligent about making sure that these little kittens were protected from the elements.

She provided them with a safe place to escape the common dangers that outdoor cats face when they live on a farm.

And with her care and protection, they learned all they needed to know about living on a farm and defending themselves.

The thing about farm cats is that you never really know what they are doing behind your back! I mean, sure, you hope that they are doing something contructive with their time away from you and you hope that they are learning all that they can in this big wide world. You have dreams of them going on to higher education and makin something of themselves.

But the sad truth is that many young cats are lost along the way. As for my mother's young prodigy kittens, they weren't the brightest crayons in the box. They were habitually getting up trees that they couldn't get down out of. My mother, caring more for her kittens than her own self-image, hung sleeping bags, blankets and ladders in the trees so that her kittens could get back down safely. No, these creatures showed no promise of ending up in an Ivy League college! Instead, the four females tried their hand at bikini modeling.

While these young ladies were off trying to make a name for themselves, Mama Grey returned home and to noone's suprise, she was wide as a house! Determined that Mama Grey would not be dropping this litter on her front porch, my mother put her in the milkhouse. Soon afterwards, Mama grey gave birth to five beautiful baby girls. My mother helped to keep these kittens safe and secure until they were weaned. Once again, the moment that big day came, Mama Grey up and disappeared again.

About a week later, three major events happened that may change the course of the world as we know it. First, the original four female cats returned. Now these porn queens were all grown up and with their careers on the fritz they were forced to come home with nothing but the fur on their backs. What a suprise, all four females were walking four-legged watermelons!! Secondly, Mama Grey also returned with her own fantastic watermelon belly! The final life-changing event was that the youngest five female cats all came of age!!

You got it! My mother now has the original Mama Grey and her first four female all knocked up and about to pop. Along with five younger females which will no doubt be knocked up since they don't seem to have any moral delima about inviting every boy cat in the county over for their drunken parties!

Fortunately, like any protective mother, my Mom is all about instilling higher standards in the girls. Of course, these young ladies don't always listen to mother so Mom has no choice but to instill her good values upon the seven Tom cats that decided to move in. So how exactly do you reason with a horny male cat? The same way you reason with a horny male teenager! She uses a gun!

Slowly the Tom's started to get the message! "If you're going to mess with Mom's girls, you better find a way to get them out of the house because Mama's got a GUN!"

Okay, so the first one didn't seem to understand the message.

*BAM!!*

and there were

SIX!!

In the middle one dark night, Mom caught one of the boys with her girls.

*BAM!!*

and there were

FIVE!!

One of those boys was a nasty, disease carrying, ugly fucker!

*BAM!*

and there were

FOUR!!

One of them was just a really wierd fucker that kept trying to hump the turkeys.

*BAM!*

and there were

THREE!!

One of them got smart, gave up and went to find an easier piece of ass down the road.

Of the TWO remaining, one was a beautiful solid black (as Mom says "scary voodoo black") Tom cat. And the other was the half brother to all of these sluts!

Since Mom was in no mood to deal with any six-legged, four-eyed hermophrodite freaks of nature, she decided that Little Boy needed to take a trip down the road. She had high hopes that if she could just get him away from these mind-numbing whores, he'd be able to go out and make something of himself. Perhaps, after all her hard work, there might just be hope for one of them!! She takes him down the road in the truck. They drive all the way to the highway. She wishes him well and leaves him some change for a cab.

That night, she goes to the barn to check on things and out of the darkness steps

LITTLE BOY!!

*Bam!*

And then there was

ONE!

So there you have it folks. This week, Mom has the cat population weaned down to 10 females and a nice looking Tom. Of course, I'm not sure the Tom will have a whole lot to keep him occupied since half of the females are ready to pop any day!!

By the time all these girls get done with this "round" of kittens, the farm will officially have a higher population than the nearest town!

Even the cats are going to start freaking out. They'll be tripping on acid and wondering why little blue cats are eating all of the puppy chow!!

Sooner or later, Mom will have to start training some of the cats to do her dirty work for her. The cost of weapons and ammo alone should be enough to file for bankruptsy.

At this point I'll be unable to visit her because the cats will have watch towers alongside the cattle guard. Each person coming and going will be strip searched to assure that thy are not smuggling cats in. Violators will be shot on sight!

So the next time you visit, BEWARE!! There may be 5 cats or there may be 500 cats. If we could just find a market for hairballs and dirty litter droppings she might be able to afford her cat-food.

Personally, I could solve all of my Mom's feline problems.

She's just got to find that one special kitty that doesn't take shit from the other kitties!!

SPAY & NEUTER YOUR PETS!!

(or shoot them)

before they become

ZOMBIE KITTIES!!

My Love Affair With a Store

2008-03-27T20:06:00.002-06:00

That's right. Fuck WAL-MART! To hell with TARGET!!

Once again I have found all my desires wrapped up in five letters . . .

As many of you know I'm in love with this store. I always find wonderful deals here. My $8.05 shopping spree last October landed me $127.95 in clothing!.

The deals continued in November when I purchased a $200 12-piece King-size comforter set for the sale price of $99 - 10% coupon = $90 - $15 off in-store offer = $75 + $7.23 Tax.

That's right! I paid $82.23 for a beautiful bedding set!

So... what were the fabulous ball-breaking deals today?

Item #1: Red Denim Jeans

Original Price: $38

Clearance Price: $22.99

Double Clearance Price: $5.74

These just happen to be the most expensive item I purchased today!!

Item #2 & 3: Belted Twill Pants for Mom

Original Price: $30.00

Clearance Price: $17.99

Double Clearance Price: $4.49

Such a good deal, I got her a second pair in grey.

Item #4: Black Jeans w/ Belt

Original Price: $30.00

Clearance Price: Unknown

Double Clearance Price: $3.74

Item #5: Apostrophe Brown Tee

Original Price: $22.00

Clearance Price: $6.59

Double Clearance Price: $2.63

Item #6: Brown Hoodie with Snaps

Original Price: $30.00

Clearance Price: $11.99

Double Clearance Price: $2.99

Item #7: Printed Chiffon Blouse

(Brown w/ Pink Dots)

Original Price: $28.00

Clearance Price: $19.99

Double Clearance Price: $4.99

And last but not least...

Item #8: Short Sleeve Blouse w/ Belt

(Mustard Striped)

Original Price: $28.00

Clearance Price: $16.99

Double Clearance Price: $1.74

That's right! Eat your penny-pinching hearts out! $1.74 for a blouse. That's Good Will and Garage Sale prices!! It's unheard of in a department store!

So the final figures stand as follows:

Origina value of clothing: $236.00

Clearance value of clothing: About $132.00 (Price of black jeans unknown)

Amount actually paid: $30.81 + tax

That's right, for $33 I bought 4 pairs of name brand jeans with coordinating belts, 1 t-shirt, 2 blouses and a hoodie!!!

WOOT WOOT!!!

But just in case you're feeling sorry for Sears for the money they clearly lost on my shopping spree, let me assure you that I dropped a pretty penny into some new tires. Were they the cheapest in town? No. They were about $5 more expensive than WAL-MART. However, nowhere else in town could I save that much money on clothes and get two tires put on my car in 30 minutes!! It was well worth the extra five bucks!!

If you're dying to get in on these awesome savings, check out the Sears website. They have a lot of these clearance items online with free delivery to your store (availability limited). A little free advertising is the least I can do for the amount I saved!

Don't let her fool you!

2008-03-25T12:30:00.002-06:00

My co-worker (CLICK HERE) is a LIAR!!!

That's right... don't believe a word she says!

She really killed the cat! Don't listen to a word she says. The cat died in the dryer. I don't beleve her, you shouldn't. It's a dead cat, she's just stalling trying to figure out how to tell the kids that the cat died in the dryer.

*whispers*
I think it's because she secretly hates cats.

I bet she did it on purpose!

Picture Challenge

2008-03-22T01:22:00.001-06:00

Okay, so here's the challenge.

You pick an image search engine. You can pick your own or use one of the ones listed below.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/

http://images.google.com/

http://www.flickr.com/

http://www.deviantart.com/

Now, you must answer the following questions and place the answer into the search. Then you pick one of the pictures on the first page of results to represent your answer. You can elaborate as I did if you like, but it isn't necessary.

1. Which search engine did you use?

Deviant Art

2. Age you will be on your next birthday? (if you don't want to disclose your age just put a picture)

3. Place you want to travel?

Tuscany

I've wanted to go here ever since I saw "Under the Tuscan Sun" Everything looks so beautiful.

4. Favorite place to spend time?

Country

5. Favorite object?

Purses

I'm a total purse addict. After buying my latest bright orange purse, I had to endulge myself in my other addiction, new shoes. I bought orange ones to match the purse of course!

6. Favorite food?

pasta

Can you go wrong with pasta? I think not. I want to know where I can get some of these heart shaped pastas. They are absolutely fabulous!

7. Favorite animal?

dog

The bigger, the better. I love big dogs who insist on being big cudly lap dogs.

8. Favorite color?

Red and Black

9. Town you live in? (again, at least put a picture)

Riley

Don't know who's kid it is, but it was the most pleasing picture that appeared. Kinda makes me think about running up behind him and scaring him though. I'd pull him out after he fell in, but I'd being laughing so hard I'd probably pee! Yeah, my kid is doomed to be traumatized.

10. Name of current or past pet?

Bear

11. Dream come true?

Motherhood

There is nothing more valuable than a life devoted to children.

12. Nickname or screen name?

Erato the Muse

13. Your middle name?

Nicole

Nicole Kidman is a beautiful woman!

14. Favorite smell?

Rain and Alfalfa

There's the country girl popping out in me again!

15. Your bad habit?

smoking

As if smoking was classy like this. Frankly, a tar-ridden lung didn't pop up in the search, so I chose a pretty picture.

16. First job you had?

Ranch hand

I worked on our ranch long before I ever went and got a "real" job. And I might add that I worked harder on the ranch and enjoyed it more than I have any other job.

17. What is the weather right now?

Warm

It turned cool this evening, but today was quite pleasant compared to the crappy winter we've had.

18. Favorite sport to watch or play?

Equestrian

19. Favorite music (type, artist, whatever)?

Country Music

I love all kinds of music. But I'll always be a country music fan at heart.

20. Deepest desire at this moment?

Own a home

Yeah, I know, that looks more like a shack, but that's probably all we could afford right now. I'd still take it. It can't be much worse than the apartment we live in.

Now challenge yourself to complete this task. Don't forget to let me know if you did it so I can check you out!!

Have fun and enjoy!

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Scategories

2008-03-22T01:21:00.000-06:00

...it's harder than it looks!
*Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...
*they have to be real places names, things...nothing made up! You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl. Good luck!

1. What is your name? Kori
2. A four letter word: Kick
3. Vehicle: Kia
4. City: Kansas City
5. Boy's Name: Kevin
6. Girl's Name: Keira
7. Alcoholic drink: Kalua
8. Occupation: Karate Instructor
9. Something you wear: Knee highs
10. Celebrity: Kevin Costner
11. Food: kiwi
12. Something found in a bathroom: Kleenex
13. Reason for Being Late: Kissing
14. Cartoon Character: (hello) Kitty
15. Something You Shout: Knock it off!!
16. Animal: Koala
17. Body part: knee
18. Word to describe you: kinky (hahaha)

My Moral Dilema

2008-03-12T15:57:00.002-06:00

First, I'm not even sure of how to spell dilema so how can I possibly be having one?

Anyway...

Here's the deal.

Today while shopping, I found something. I found a cell phone. What's the problem? Well, I'm not sure I want to track down it's owner and return it.

On one hand, there's the morally good side of me who thinks, "This poor girl has lost her phone and if she's anything like me, she's lost without it. Cell phones are expensive and she'll have to replace it if I don't return it. I would want someone to try and return my phone to me if I lost it."

On the other hand, there's the selfish evil side of me who thinks, "She's a college student from Kansas City. Her parents are probably loaded. Her text messages indicate she's a total pot head. She's thinking about studing abroad (according to her contacts). And she's has some really gross pictures on her phone. Not to mention that she's probably a bitch and won't give a flying fuck if I have to go out of my way to return her phone. Plus, two days after I give her phone back, I'll probably lose my phone because that would be the perfect joke for the evil miniture pixies that control my life."

So, do I go out of my way to try and call up perfect strangers on her phone to see if there is some way that I can track her down and arrange to give her the phone back. Or do I just stuff the phone in the back of my closet for a rainy day? After all, it does have a mp3 player and a nice camera. I could use it! Hmmmmm.... that's a tough one!

Let me know what you think.

A Fairy Tale

2008-03-06T20:50:00.003-06:00

Once upon a time, in a land far, far, away, there was a really evil granddaughter who had a sweet baby girl. That granddaughter was so evil that everyone in the village was horrified that she had come from such an upstanding and fine family. This granddaughter was completely unreasonable and clearly did things just to hurt the feelings of her family.

For example, she demanded under no uncertain terms that her grandparents would not speak badly about her mother in the presence of her daughter. She refused to negotiate this matter or accept any lame excuses for why it might be okay to say bad things about her mother under certain circumstances.

When her grandparents found out about her unreasonable request, they tried to take it out on her mother by returning all of the gifts they had been given over the years. In a fit of rage, the girl's mother tried to explain to them that they were making matters worse. The grandfather, certain that he must teach his unruley granddaughter a serious lesson, chose to never see her again unless she changed her unreasonable ways.

Unfortunately, his granddaughter was too stubborn to learn her lesson, and chose instead to live a life of exile. She presented them with more unreasonable requests. She demanded that they appologize to her mother for causing her undo stress over the matter. Certain, that this ungrateful granddaughter needed to be put in her place, the grandparents refused to say they were sorry.

The granddaughter continued to live her life in quiet exile from her family. The grandparents tried very hard to remind her of her serious mistake by not inviting her and her family to gatherings. They would send out invitations that were addressed incorrectly, or mailed the day of the event. The granddaughter was so stubborn that she refused to aknowledge this friendly reminders of all the fun she was missing out on.

The grandparents were so well loved that they knew they had nothing to worry about because certainly the entire community and their whole family would rally behind them. Everyone would know what a horrible granddaughter she was. They were certain if only they could talk to those people she did know, they too would see what an evil woman she was.

Unfortunately, the evil little granddaughter knew many, many tricks. She sent out Christmas cards to all of her other family members to prove to them that she did not hold anything against them. She made sure that all of her family knew that she would not force them to pick sides. If they could stay out of the argument, they were more than welcome to visit her, even though she had been exiled from the family.

The grandparents were certain that this evil granddaughter had sided with the Devil and was practicing the "black arts". There was simply no other explanation for how she managed to stay in good graces with so many people. She was clearly an evil and horrible person for not wanting to be a part of their happy little family.

The family continued to live in exile and was not bothered by the missing pieces of her heritage. She was far too busy raising her perfect little girl to be bothered by the problems that other people insisted on creating.

One day, the granddaughter was told of some horrible news. A dear family member was very ill and a grand party was being held in her honor. The party was not being held in the lands she had been exiled from, and so the granddaughter decided to go and visit these dear relatives. She was very worried that there would be people there who did not like her. She did not want for there to be an argument at her relative's party. However, she refused to allow these people to control her life.

So, the granddaughter, her baby girl, and SOMEBODY will be at the big party. They will be happy and smile and let all of the people who she loves be a part of her life. However, those grandparents who still believe that she is so evil will be in for a real shock. The unreasonable, stubborn granddaughter will still keep them away from her baby girl.

She will however, auction an 8x10 picture of the baby on Ebay if they really want to see her that bad.

What you never needed to know about me.

2008-03-03T09:05:00.002-06:00

What's in your wallet?

Check for $16 for Friday' lunch
three $5 bills and a $1 bill
a deposit and withdrawl slip from the bank
daughter's vaccination records
driver's license
health insurance card
hunter education card
AAA card
expired coupons for IHOP
2 ticket stubs from "Sweeney Todd" on my birthday, and the ticket stub from "The Bucket List" I went to with Brenda.
2 credit cards
Walgreens giftcard
Walmart gift card
McDonald's Arch card
Appointment card for my eye doctors visit
Appointment card for Ellie and I's appointments in May
2 Walmart gift cards in an envelope (I think they're empty)
a Sears Smile Saver card
my Borders Rewards card.

Didn't think you could get that much stuff into a tiny little wallet did you? Think that's impressive? Try this on on for size.

What's in your purse?

my wallet
feminine product
a red lip gloss
night lipstick "shimmer & shout"
day lipstick "marquise peach"
satin lips lip balm
purell hand towels
relative's mailing address torn off of Christmas card
Sunlasses
lens cleaning cloth
Walgreens gift card
Banker's business card
Tylenol
TUMS
Eyeglass cleaner and another cloth
toothbrush
toothpaste
three ink pens: red, blue & black
color ink carteridge
$2.22 in loose change
Mini road Atlas
Envelope full of soup labels and box tops to mail to Michigan
Reciept for auto tags
Hunam Chinese Resteraunt menu and Friday's lunch order
Expired auto registration (new ones are in the cars)
Large piece of black felt (no idea?)
10 oz. bottle of water
Kleenex pack
Receipts and deposit slips dating back to October
binder clip holding receipts
Expired Sears coupon
Application for savings account
Work keys with work ID
Car/house keys
Cell phone

What's under your bed?

Carpet

What's in your underwear drawer?

Underwear

What's in the trunk of your car?

The bodies of all the people who snooped in the trunk of my car.

What is the most embarassing thing in your room right now?

Underwear and a burned out lightbulb (that'll make you wonder)

If I confinscate your computer and look around, what would I find?

Naked pictures from my webcam (is she joking?)

Do you sleep with anything?

A pillow, a blanket and preferably no one else in the room!

What is your midnight snack weakness?

French fries, tater tots, or anything fried and generally bad for your health/

Have you ever stollen anything?

I cannot answer that question for fear of incriminating myself. However, it would not surprise me if several of the ashtrays in my home were originally located in resteraunts and hotels. It also would not surprise me if some of the clothes my friends have given me magically walked out of the stores without being paid for (just knowing my friends and the magical power they have over items). It also would not surprise me if some of the items I recieved when I was younger were never actually purchased by those people who gave them to me. Oh, and there was that incident with the golf cart, but I'd consider it "borrowing with intent to return." Unfortunately , the best of INTENTIONS went to hell in a handbag.

Have you ever vandalized anything?

A doll. Does that count? I think she's cute, but Mom's calls her "Satan child". I don't think I ever damage anyone else's property. I sure messed up some of mine though. Oh wait... I tore up my neighbors lawn in huge patches when I was 8. Then we laid the grass down on top of the lawn so they couldn't tell until it turned brown. Why would a 9-year-old do this? Because the bitch sat in her picture window and watched a dog kill my pet rabbit. When it was all over she came over to tell us she saw the whole thing. I loved my rabbit, she loved her lawn. Seemed fair to me.

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Depends... I've only danced with a handful of guys, but it wouldn't surprise me if one of them was the devil.

What do you wait until no one is looking to do?

Wipe my ass. No seriously, you can be in the room while I shit, but I need privacy to wipe. Was that too much? Sorry. Oh, and brushing my teeth... get out of the bthroom while I brush my teeth!

Have you told the truth in this survey?

That is for me to know and you to wonder about.

The Nut Has FInally Cracked

2008-03-02T21:16:00.001-06:00

That's right. You heard it here first. My mother has officially fallen off her rocker. Tonight, she got off the phone with me and purposely used her cell phone to call her house phone while she was in her house. She spent several minutes talking to her self on her cell phone & house phone. I'm not sure exactly what the conversation intailed, all I know is that the nutty broad didn't call me back for thirty minutes!

You know how the worst case senerio always seems to run through your head when you don't know all the information? Well that's my problem now. Here's a list of things I've decided my mother might have been talking to herself about:

Crisis Intervention Helpline, how may I be of service... well, my parents are driving me insane and I don't know what to do about it....
Mediation between her multiple personalities.
Political debates between her Republican brain and the brain that is thinking of voting Democrat.
Discussing her upcoming travel arrangements with herself.
Listening to the television from the other room.
Checking to see if her phone would function as a baby monitor.
Absolute worse case senerio... SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN HAVING PHONE SEX WITH HERSELF!!!

That being said, the mysterious alien beeping noises that I was hearing while talking to her may have contributed to her temporary (I hope it's temporary!) insanity.

I do believe that if this becomes a habit, I may have to take out a loan to pay for her padded room.

I'm the mean time if anyone has a magic eraser to get the thought of Mom having phone sex with herself out of my mind, I'd appreciate it if you could mail it to me..... Things that make you go BBLLLGGHGHHG!!!

Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

Yes Mom! It's the right site!

2008-03-02T00:15:00.005-06:00

Love the fabulously sappy new look?

Well to hell with you then! I like it and I'm keeping it this way. At least until I get bored with it.

On a side note... I haven't disowned all my fellow bloggers. It's just that when I changed layouts I lost all of the links. If that isn't tragic enough, this is the only place I had some of those links. So I'm slowly adding you back into my list as I retrace my blogs. Want to get back on the list quicker? I guarantee that anyone who comments to a post will be listed within the week!

That being said, let's get to the real subject.

I now fully understand the value of a $100 high chair!

At first I was like "who the hell spends $100 on a chair the kid sits in to eat?" I simply could not wrap my head around this concept. This spoiled terrorist has it made. We don't even have a dinner table and my daughter is eating off a $100 high chair!! I'm thinking... $2 plate, free second-hand chair, and my own lap (which technically cost my mother a postage stamp). So I'm being generous if I say that my eating area costs $5.

I am hear to confess that I clearly was wrong!

Every child should have a $100 high chair. Why? Because it will help them live longer!

Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter. However, my stubborn little Taurus that spawned from my womb is determined to drive me to madness. I have daydreams of selling her to the gypsies for 50 cents. I find it absolutely fabulous that she is finally mobile... for about 5 minutes. Then, the insanity commenses. Let me explain...
---------------------------------------------------------
Ellie, go play with your toys!
NO! Don't climb on the entertainment stand!
I said GET DOWN!
STOP hitting the television!
DON'T eat the DVD's!
STAY OUT of the diaper wipes!
(takes away wipes)
(bawling commenses)
(hands her a pacifier)
DON'T even think about it!
NO! Get down from the coffee table!
(jumps up to move ashtray)
(takes away spilled ashtray)
(picks up cigarette butts and wipes up ashes)
Ellie, stay out of the bathroom!
(shuts bathroom door)
(jumps in front of baby now headed for bedroom)
(shuts all doors)
(bawling commenses)
(moves baby back to living room and hands a pacifier)
Ellie, play with your toys sweetie.
(hands her a ball)
(drops ball and grabs microscopic piece of paper that has fallen on the floor since I vacuumed 10 minutes ago)
NO! We don't eat paper!
(screams because I threw paper in trash)
(returns to room)
Get away from the TV!!
(places baby in playpen with 15,000 other toys)
(screaming commenses)
(walks away)
(screaming gets louder)
(pretends to ignore screaming)
.... 5 minutes later ....
Calm down, there is nothing to cry about. Play with your toys.
(BAWLS)
(picks her up and puts her in bouncy)
*bounce*
*bounce*
(walks away to pick up EVERYTHING in sight)
(bawls)
(puts baby back on the now spotless floor with 2 million entertaining toys)
GET OUT FROM UNDER THE DESK!!
No! I don't want to hold you!
FINE!!!
.... 30 minutes of sleepy cuddling later ....
Shhhh... Go to sleep honey!
.... 20 minutes later ....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(lays sleeping baby down)
.... 5 minutes later ....
WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------
Oh yes... the high chair has saved her life. For $100, she sat in her chair and played for an hour with the cool spinny toy. Later she snacked on fruity puffs and baby cheetos while I helped the maintenance man. After that she played for a little on the floor. Later, she sat in her chair and ate some cheerios while Daddy Dearest and I ate. Then she played with the coold toy after Mommy put batteries in it. Some more playtime and a nap. Then she sat in her chair and had her supper. Afterwards, she leaned back and drank a bottle. Then she played with her toys in the chair while Mommie checked her email. Finally she curled up in Mommie's lap and went to bed. Our usual "NO NO BAD BABY!" time was literally cut in half.

Granted, I'm not delusional enough to believe this is a long term solution. I am fully aware that the newness of cool shit wears off. Amazingly, a child who cannot remember that crawling on the bottom of the coffee table gets a swat on the diaper, can remember that she played with this toy 3 days ago and it's a fucking boring toy! But for the time being Mommie got relief. And since it wasn't Mommie's $100 dollars that bought this extravegant child pacifying high chair, Mommie is HAPPY!

GO AHEAD, KEEP LAUGHING GRANDMA!!

Speaking of a little girl who is spoiled

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

I Need a Therapist

2008-02-29T21:47:00.000-06:00

Ever wonder what they would find out about you if they forced you to undergo a psychological evaluation? Ever think that maybe they would lock you up in a padded room? Now here's your chance to find out for sure. This is not one of those hokey pokey have a little fun tests. This test is brought to you straight from Psychology Today. It'll tell you everything that is wrong with you (and then some)!

So the true question then is this:
ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO SHARE YOUR RESULTS?

I'm not claiming bravery here. Quite the contrary. I fully intend to blame ever part of my psychological instabilities on my DELINQUENT FAMILY! So don't go giving me any metals or anything. This is purely out of my necessesity for evil, hateful, spriteful, family-bashing!

Here's what I learned:

My symptoms point towards BIPOLAR DISORDER! You think!?! Imagine that? One minute I'm laughing. One minute I'm crying. Hell, I'm so good at multitasking that I can laugh about crying, cry about laughing and end up laughing and crying at the same time! This one I'm blaming on my mother. My mother is the one who taught me to laugh in the face of diversity. So I can be very upset, sad, angry, etc. and still crack some wise ass joke about it. It's beyond my control. I cannot help but try and lighten any situation that seems to stressful for myself or someone else. I have to laugh. Laughter is my medication. Everyone else around me thinks I'm nutty as a fruit cake, but I'm happy.
I appear to suffer from obsessional thoughts! Well, I insist that my crayons be arranged by the colors of the rainbow. This is also true of my printer paper. I insist that the pieces of a board game all be arranged neatly in the box before it is closed. I insist that a deck of cards be arranged in order by suit before being placed back in a box (if the back has a design it must all face the same direction also). I routinely rearrange my kitchen cupboards so that like items are together. When I have the patience, I also arrange items by expiration date. I have to have all the books, DVDs, movies, etc. arranged by title, author or size. And I cannot empty a penny bank without obsessively counting every penny in the jar (even if I'm only going to place them back into the jar). But again, these things do not interfere with my life. I simply put things back where they belong and I don't empty the penny bank until it's time to take it to the bank. So who can I blame for this? The color issue has to do with the artistic side of me. Some of it is a desperate need to be organized amidst the rest of my clutter. And I imagine that part of it comes from my sperm donor. I obsessively make lists. Partly because I struggle with organization, and partly because I need to. When you come from a family like mine, lists are pretty natural. Hell, I have to write out a list just to explain my own family. Think I'm exagerating? I'm not. I am the oldest, middle, youngest, and only child in my family. Throw in my "foster" sister and I'm almost a twin. It takes a handful of lists just to explain that. Obsessive list making is definately inheritted.
My responses indicate that my relationship may be DISFUNCTIONAL! I'm shocked! Catholic boy turned atheist has a child out of wed-lock with a divorced woman he was dating while she was still married. Add into the mix the fact that my parents love him and his family loves me. There is something seriously wrong with us. What caused them to say my relationship was disfunctional? I admitted that we have trouble communicating and resolving issues. Why? Because we're both stubborn and bull-headed. Who is to blame? Well, us... but that's besides the point... lets find a better scapegoat. And the winner is.... my ex-husband. Why? Because I hate him, my family hates him, his own mother hates him... oh... I'm venting. Wanna know what the real kicker is? As if passing on our stubborn genetics to our daughter isn't enough... she was born a Taurus. Which, if her horoscope is true, already made her stubborn. Oh yes, we will be raising the next Stubborn asshole of the family! Can't wait until she's a teenager!
I might have Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder! What the Fuckoff?!?! LMAO... This means I have a low sex drive. HAHAHAHAHA! What a joke! I guess they've never heard of a Mommie and Daddy with a 10 month old and opposite shifts. We don't have a low sex drive. We have a lack of AVAILABILITY!! rotflmfao!!!
My responses indicate you may suffer from Dependant Personality Disorder! Okay, I get this. It's because I care too much what others think. I'm shy. It takes some time to warm up to people. I don't like being alone. Who does? If I enjoyed being alone would I have a hermit disorder. I guess there is a fine line between Dependant Personality and Anti-social or social anxiety disorder. I admit I hate being alone and sometimes I worry too much about what someone might think. Usually I only worry if I'm in a new or professional situation. Why? Because I'm strange and I know it. New people scare me because I want to get to know them first. I have to trust you to open up to you. As far as professional situations? Well, that just goes back to the "bipolar" thing. It's hard to be professional. I have trouble taking things seriously in the same sense that other do. Of course I take work seriously, but that doesn't mean I won't crack some joke to lighten it up. Some people are so uptight and overly "proper" that they mistake this as being childish. I just want fun and happiness.
I might also suffer from a brief psychotic episode, a major depressive episode, simple phobias, a social phobia, compulsive thoughts or behaviors, generalize anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, and/or borderline personality disorder! AND monkeys might fly out my ass if I sneeze!

It's all very simple. Yes, I probably have at least one of the things in this list. I bet you do too! But the truth is that I'm quite content with my life and I don't need a therapist to tell me something is wrong with me. You find me a therapist who grew up in a family with five other siblings (none of which are fully related to the others), had five step-mothers, two fathers, a hypocondriac aunt, a psychotic grandmother, a not-quite foster sister, an adoptive half step brother, an un-adopted cousin, a narcisitic aunt who is really their mother's cousin, and a baby brother who is 33 years younger than their big sister. Then they can analyize my head!

Until then, I'm going to be perfectly content living in my own little world where "everyone is a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!"

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WARNING: Major VENT!!!

2008-02-29T08:33:00.002-06:00

TARGET

SUCKS!

Okay, I've never been a big fan of them. However, I've given them a chance a couple of times. NEVER AGAIN!

This week I went to return some gifts that had been taking up space around my house. Namely, I was returning the $100 high chair that Ellie got for Christmas. Not that there was anything wrong with the high chair, just that Daddy Dearest and I had planned on the cheaper space saving model that just sits on a chair.

So anyway, we gather up the items to take to Target and go to the store. Keep in mind that going to TARGET first involves a 20 mile drive to town (we don't just up and go on a whim) and once in town, TARGET is on the opposite side of everything else I need to do. So even when I happen to be in town, it is not convienent for me to just *pop* over to the store.

So, would you like to know why I will never spend another dime in Target?

I took our items to the counter and explained that I knew the high chair was from here, and I wanted to get a gift card so we could get the high chair we wanted and some other items for our daughter.

TARGET WILL NOT RETURN ANY ITEM OVER $20 WITHOUT A GIFT RECIEPT!

I had three items to return (valued at $215 total). I was only allowed to return the $14 baby carrier. I spent the $16 gift card on stuff for the baby, bought 1 jar of formula because I didn't want to have to stop somewhere elseon my way home. The $25 for the formula will be the last time I shop there.

It's really a pity because I was just starting to warm up Target. I like the little dollar rack they have and the last time I was there, they were the only place in town who carried an extra large jar of the formula we use.

Unfortunately, Target does not care about customer service.

Seriously, what is the problem? If they had taken back my items they could have resold them. At least one of them was purchased on sale so they would have made an additional $20 on that item. If they had given me a gift card, I would have gladly spent it in their store. I would also have spent more money in their store. I have a growing child. SHE IS A GIRL!! GIRLS NEED EVERYTHING!! Not to mention the fact that we plan on having more children down the road. DOYOU KNOW HOW MUCH BABIES COST? DIAPERS, FORMULA, BOTTLES, ETC.

I realize that I am just one person. However, considering the way children grow, I would not be surprised if many parents are not happy with this return policy.

They do not allow returns over $20 without a reciept AND they only allow 2 returns per drivers licence per YEAR.

It simply doesn't make sense. I imagine limiting returns is to discourage shoplifting. I also know many stores have similar policies. I simply don't understand why a store would rather I keep an unwanted item AND be unhappy with their store rather than taking the items reselling it AND still getting my money!!

I informed the clerk I didn't care, I knew Wal-Mart sold that high chair and I knew they would be HAPPY to have my business from now on.

It's just STUPID!

Attention TARGET: Don't be STUPID!

For Sunshine (and anyone else who finds a need for such a letter)

2008-02-25T08:34:00.003-06:00

Here's your general letter of hatred to send out to all of the family members who have made you wish you were adopted or disowned. Simply choose one (or more) of the phrases in parenthesis to copy into the letter format:

Dear (worthless DNA sample/pathetic excuse for a parent/inconsiderate pompous-assed relative/person who makes me understand why animals eat their young),

After (carefully assessing your inconsiderate actions/years of overlooking your abusive behavior/desperately searching for my real relatives/pouring brake fluid over the paint on your Mercedes), I have decided (you are no worth my precious time/your insecurity is paled only by your stupidity/to put myself up for adoption on Ebay/I will be running off to join the circus). I'm tired of (being your personal crutch to lean on/playing the family scapegoat/swallowing your shit politely/paying the therapist to fix the damage you've done). From now on I plan to (lie about where I come from/make your life as miserable as you've made mine/run and scream frantically if I see you in public/give my therapist your credit card number). Maybe someday you will be able to look at this and realize (you were never meant to reproduce/you really need to pull your head out of your ass and catch a little fresh air/this world does not revolve around your fat ass/you really shouldn't eat yellow snow).

I know you are thinking that (I will regret this someday/I will get over this mad spell/this really doesn't change anything/now you can spend all the money you were going to leave me), but the truth is (I feel better than I ever did/I'm not willing to waste my time staying mad at you/someday you will pay for what you've done to me/I still get to pick your carehome someday). Now that I have found (a life without your negativity/someone to take your place/the key to your backdoor/the money you were hiding under the mattress) I will not be bothered by (your endless whining and bickering/your deathbed confessions/army of narrow-minded minnons who try to bully people/the voices in my head).

In the future, if you feel the need to (torture me for your own sick amusement/bad-mouth me to everyone you know/clear your conscience/eat cheetos in your underwear) please be aware that (I will not hesitate to run you over with my vehicle/I'm willing to publish all our secrets in the local paper/I will not be accepting letters or phone calls from you/I have plenty of blackmail photos).

All I'm asking is for you to (stay the hell out of my life/stop spreading rumors and lies about me/treat me with at least the same respect you treat the dog/drop dead in the near future). I don't think that is too much to ask.

If for some reason you (cannot give me my space/must do something to cause discontent in my life/feel the need to ruin the lives of those around you/decide to act like a civilized human being) please keep in mind that I (carry a loaded weapon/know which foods you are allergic to/am willing to send detailed letters to the whole family/might suffer from a sudden case of amnesia, causing me to forget you are related to me). I really do not care if you (fall off the face of the earth/get your feelings hurt over this/drag the whole family into this matter/pass out drunk on the front lawn naked) because I know that I (have every right to a peaceful life/do not need hypocrites like you in my life/don't even like half of the people you talk to/know enough of your dark secrets to embarass the whole family).

From now on I will do my best not to (bombard you with insults and threats/hire a sociopath to hunt you down/dump itch powder in your underwear/accidentally light your house on fire). I feel that this is in the best interest of (both of us/our family and friends/nuclear treaties/the little people in my head).

Sincerely yours,
(the half-drunk seed of your loins who is trying desperately to erase their childhood/the relative that you would love to sweep under the rug/the bastard child that simply wants to make your life as miserable as you made mine/the person who watches you through the scope of a sniper rifle every night)

This letter should be sufficient for almost everyone's needs, however, in the event that you are in desperate need of a letter for a more specific situation, I will be happy to do my part. Please keep in mind that letter to family members are not guaranteed in any way to get people to realize what is going on. Some family members are simply too stupid to understand even the simplest explanation. Also, do to the high demand for letters in my own life, I cannot guarantee a timeframe for individual letters. While I will try very hard to complete your letters before the response time frame has passed, there may be cases that I simply an unable to do that. Since this is not a paid service, I will not be held responsible for reconsiliations that might occur during that time, hence I am also not responsible for future physical or emotional damage due to such a reconsiliation.

The Brighter Side

2008-02-24T20:27:00.006-06:00

On the brighter side of things (scroll down to next post if you've missed the Dark Side!)

I do have some good people in my family. (Okay, so Sainthood is probably not in any of their futures, but as far as I know they haven't drown any kittens in the past few days!)

I have an Aunt & Uncle who go out of their way to visit my family whenever we make the trip to my parents. They have 3 wonderful kids who try to come with them when their schedules work out.

I have one cousin who forgives all of us "misfits" who don't want to put up with the B.S. anymore. She's torn between the family because her parents are on one side of the fence. But she listens to us VENT and is overall the perfect (She's pretty, smart, a great girl, a hard-worker, and a wonderful Mom... makes me want to FUCKING puke on her) person.

I have an adopted cousin who tries to stay out of it all.

I have an Aunt (actually Mom's cousin) who finds the whole thing hilarious and listens to us complain if only for her own sick amusement. But we love her for it.

I have another Aunt (actually Mom's aunt) and her family. All of whom are pretty decent people. They certainly don't deserve a lot of the shit they have to put up with. And life has dealth them a pretty crappy hand these days. But overall, I've got nothing against any of them.

I've got a great-uncle who sees everything and says nothing. He's great with all of the children and loves us all even though we're certifiably insane.

And I imagine there are a handful of other lunatics out there who are semi-tolerable as relatives.

So, here's my family roster and where they rank on MY family Christmas list:

Level 1 - I have your address, email, phone number and/or cell phone easily at hand and I am willing to use it without cringing in horror at the thought: Mom and Dad; Uncle M & Aunt C; 4 cousins + spouses & kids; 2 half-sisters; 1 niece; 1 nephew; Dad's youngest son, his wife & their boys; Brother-in-law, his wife, & their boys.
Level 2 - I know you, you know me, we like each other and as a result we've agreed to not do anything to intentionally piss each other off: Neutral relatives; Adopted brother; Mrs. A & her hubby; Mrs. B & kids; a handful of co-workers; the In-Laws.
Level 3 - I know you and I promise not to run you over if you're crossing the street in front of my car: Adopted family members; neighbors; illegitimate and unfamiliar siblings
Level 4 - I would seriously consider pissing on your face is it was on fire: 1 cousin & her husband; 2 Uncles & their wives
Level 5 - I wouldn't hire a serial killer to hunt you down: Biological father's family
Level 6 - You make it easy to understand why a woman would drive hundreds of miles in a diaper to get revenge on someone: Grandparents & Biological father

So, if you're reading this and you wish that you were listed on a higher level that you currently are, than I suggest that you pull your head out of your ass and get your priorities straight.

Congrats to all the people in the top two levels. If you feel that you might be unfairly lumped into one of the lower groups. Feel free to contact me on the matter and I'll be happy to A) clarify whether you were unfairly stereotyped and should have been listed elsewhere, or B) give you a good ass-chewing if I feel that you are in desperate need of it.

My Family Is Messed Up

2008-02-24T20:27:00.003-06:00

Have I told you lately that I have a really messed up family?

Let me clarify this:

Grandma FuckHead - Problem causing, over-dramatic, attention seeking, delusional maniac. That's right. This woman is not happy unless someone else is unhappy. For the past 50 years, her passion has been antagonizing my mother whenever possible. Unfortunately, now that we've said "enough is enough" she no longer has my mother for a target. My sympathy to the next victim on her list (unless you brough it on yourself)
Grandpa JackAss - For years I thought he was just a spineless by-stander to his wife's antics. However, new incidents have made it perfectly clear that he'd rather wash his hands of his own family than admit that he or his wife have ever done anything wrong. NEWS FLASH!! I'd say telling your daughter that you didn't care if you ever saw your granddaughter or unborn great-granddaughter again definately qualifies as doing something wrong. And since I'm the one who decides whether you see us, I'd say my judgement matters a lot.
Uncle YesMan - Good-hearted guy who would do anything for his parents. Including, getting in the middle of an argument that had nothing to do with him. Hope it didn't turn out to backfire on him.
Aunt Sickly - Sweet aunt who married into a fucked up family. Tragically, she suffers from a major medical condition. Unfortunately, I have no sympathy since she milks it for all it's worth.
Uncle Scared-of-Me - Mouthy, red-headed uncle who used to get in the middle of things. However, since he tangled with a mouthy niece of his, he seems to have thought better of it. I wasn't bluffing when I told him I would expose the whole family's dirty little secrets if he didn't lay off on my Mom. Hell, I publish them in the damn newspaper!
Aunt Newly-Wed - Girl never knew what hit her. As if being married to my Uncle isn't hard enough, I swear my grandmother is permanently attached to her hip. Hope she likes threesomes. Probably shouldn't have sent Mom a book about how to be a person though. Doesn't win you any brownie points on this end of the field. Ignorance is no escuse.
Cousin Dippy & her Husband Deaf-Boy - Don't care that you are "disabled". You are no more disabled then the rest of this messed up lot. Not to mention that "disablity" has never been an excuse for STUPIDITY! You aren't my family. Your wife was adopted. She was only adopted because she wasn't getting enough attention at the time. The proof of that is the fact that she now cares more about her biological POS than the man who worked his fingers to the bone raising her with love. Neither one of you are worth the air you breathe.

Now, after months of silence on this matter, why am I suddenly up in arms about it?

It all has to do with my Grandmother's family. My Grandmother is one of four children. We'll call them Grandma, Uncle C, Uncle D (his wife Aunt B) and Uncle J (his wife Aunt M).

Since this is mainly about how you treat your kids, we're going to take Uncle C out of the picture because he has no children and has never been married. That being said, here's the situation:

My Grandmother has 4 children. She has only one daughter. She could care less if her daughter is part of her life. She would probably care less if she died.
Aunt B has umpteen children. She has only one daughter. She could care less if her daughter is part of her life. Her daughter almost died of liver cancer and she never cared.
Aunt M has three children. She has two daughters. She loves BOTH her daughters UNCONDITIONALLY. She would do anything in her power for her children.

Three women and only one of them gives a crap about her own daughters. So here's the real kicker. The one woman who cares about her children, loves them unconditionally, is about to lose one of them to cancer. HOW FUCKING FAIR IS THAT!!

No one deserves to lose their child. No one should have to suffer that loss. I'm not saying that I'd rather my Mother or my Aunt died. I'm just saying it isn't right that people who love their children lose them, while people who base thier lives on hurting their own kids never have to face such a loss.

--------------------------

Message to God: On the Commandments

1) Only an insecure God would be fearful that I might worship other Gods.

2) Only an insignificant God would feel threatened by meer words.

3) Only an egotistical God would demand 1/7th of my life be spent idly worshipping him.

4) Only an ignorant God would ask me to honor a man like my Father.

5) Only an ashamed God would view sex as a crime.

6) Only an unseeing God would justify materialism when people are starving.

7) Only an unhearing God would think the truth is always right. (Truth hurts)

8) Only an unrealistic God would think it a sin to wish for something.

9) Only a sexist God would distinguish sins by gender.

AND

10) Only a hypocritical God would make it sinful for Man but not himself or in his name.

And in case this post inspires you to PRAY for MY SOUL, please keep this in mind:

If YOU are right and GOD is as you say, HE will either forgive me based upon MY thoughts and actions or HE won't. I would not change what I have done, said, or felt.

If MY MOTHER is right, and I have fallen short, then I will return to try again.

If DADDY DEAREST is right, then we simply die and decompose.

I DON'T NEED ANYONE WASTING TIME AND OXYGEN ON PRAYERS FOR MY SALVATION. I don't need prayer mats in my mailbox, ministers reading books, pamphlets in my doors, or comments reassuring me that God is with us. Give your time to your family. Give your time to your God. Give your time to those who truly need and want salvation. Leave me out of your tax-exempt, money making, world-controlling, mind-washing schemes!

Thank You!

Happy Valentines Day

2008-02-19T09:06:00.001-06:00

After an hour and a half of shopping we decided that Kays doesn't want to sell jewelry. The sales clerk had an empty store (I quickly learned why) and simply pointed us in the direction of their rings and the catalogue. Then watched from the register as if we might leap over the counter and grab it at any moment.

Luckily, the wonderful girl at ZALES was more than happy to cater to my endless uncertainty in what I wanted. I bet she showed us two dozen rings over the course of three seperate visits.

I must say, I fell madly in love with this beautiful garnet ring that is fit for a queen. This picture does in NO JUSTICE. Serious, a side view of this ring is gorgeous. Fist it sticks off your hand about a full half inch and the diamond embellishments go down the sides of the ring in a U-shape under the garnet. Along the sides there are also two more garnets (one on each side) - the small rim of gold along the bottom of the central garnet in the picture shows where these two gems are. It's absolutely fit for royalty.

But I digress. It was simply far too much ring for me. Don't get me wrong. I'd definately wear it if he bought it. But it's a lot of ring for such a small hand.

So the final decision was a beautiful cluster diamond ring.

And just so you don't FREAK out. No, it is still NOT OFFICIAL!! This was JUST my PRESENT!!

But you probably oughta get used to the general idea because we all know it's going to happen one of these days, we're just not gonna break the bank to get there in a hurry. It's just a minor formality at this point and we'll get around to it when the stars align just right.

Meanwhile, I'm loving that ring!!

Have a great week!

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Dear Readers

2008-02-17T20:39:00.002-06:00

Okay... lets do a quick recap to get back on the right page.

December:

10th - Killer ice storm hits. We lose power for a week. Go stay with the in-laws. As much as we enjoyed their hospitality, it was definately good to get to come back home.

21st - Ballet Recital. Ellie sat through the whole thing without fussing. Fabulous child! Wonderful show! BRAVO to Court for her performance.

23rd - Christmas with the in-laws. Wonderful time. Hope everyone enjoyed it as much as we did.

24th - Christmas with Grandparents. No, not those assholes that branch off my family tree. The full-blow Catholic family that doesn't seem to mind Daddy & Me not being married. Funny that they can be so HUMAN and my own biological family cannot pull their heads out of their asses long enough to say "I'M SORRY". It was a wonderful dinner (always is) and no one said anything bad about anyone else in the family (even those that weren't there!). SO THAT'S HOW FAMILY IS SUPPOSED TO ACT! Learn something new all the time.

25th - Christmas in Kansas City. The first Christmas with the other half of the full-blow Catholic family. AMAZING. Not a single person spoke badly of anyone else here either! Everyone was happy to see us and no one seems to mind the "unmarried couple" or our sinful ways. Everyone was pleasant and welcoming. Maybe my family should start some religious cult so they at least have an excuse for why they are such assholes. Because if the Catholics can overlook things that strictly go against their faith (for the sake of family) you would certainly think those back-woods, under-educated, hypocritical hillbillies that branch off my family tree could suck up enough courtesy to be CIVIL!

26th - DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS SALES. My parents came for Christmas. It was fabulous to have them. I love that someone actually got to have a holiday in my own home. We loved having them here. Of course I bought way too many snacks and food but I think that's always the case when you have company. Thanks a bunch to Mom & Dad for everything. Hope you can visit again soon.

The rest of the holidays flew by uneventfully fast.

January

11th - Happy Birthday To Me. Mrs. B and her brother watched Miss Ellie so Daddy could take me out. We went to dinner at Old Chicago and then off to see a movie. SWEENY TODD. LOVED IT. Had a great time. THANKS A BUNCH!

17th - Daddy watched Miss Ellie so Mrs. B and I could go out for one last girl's night out & Happy Birthday to ME. Had dinner at IHOP (LOVE STUFFED FRENCH TOAST!) and then went to see THE BUCKET LIST. We decided if we're ever both dying that will so be US!! CRIED. Damn movies that make me LEAK! Loved it though. THANKS A BUNCH!

After that, January flew by uneventfully fast.

February

SICK SICK SICK SICK
Don't even know when we got sick. We've all been sick. I'm still walking around coughing like someone who just walked out of the coal mines. Okay. That's extreme, but I'd really like to kick the cough.

V-Day - It was colder than crap. Daddy wanted to take me out to dinner and a movie, but I said I'd just as soon stay home and have dinner and a movie in the warmth of a cozy blanket. It was so! We'll go out when the weather is more presentable. At the rate winter's been going this year, it might warm up sometime in June! The snow might melt by August!

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT! THE 4-1-1 on everything you've missed.

Okay, not EVERYTHING. There were some X-rated moments I left out for the sake of you're own well being.

Oh, I forgot to mention that in the midst of this whole messy, sloppy, slushy winter, I've been fighting a ridiculous battle with the housing commitee. IDIOTS!

The whole things started when we came home on my birthday to find tow notices on my vehicles. They've been parked in the same place for 2 years and it suddenly became a NO PARKING AREA. Here's the real kicker though. They put these 5x8 stickers on the windows of several cars stating they would tow them. However, due to a lack of parking ordinance in town, they have no right to tow vehicles. Plus, the idiots don't even know where the property line is, so they aren't even sure if these vehicles were parked on their property or not. Luckily, I'm not vendictive enough to file vandalism charges. Instead, I go to all their meetings and drag them out way longer than they need to because they have to listen to me put my two cents in on all the rules and regulations they're trying to pass. So at the January meeting, they had to table the parking issue. Later they had a special meeting to try and resolve the matter.

Next week there is another meeting that I get to go to. If I had some bright orange clothes, I'd dress as an inmate. Our new rule books state that we cannot swear. We can't own flammable items. Children cannot play on the sidewalks, in the buildings, or in the street (so much for chasing headlights!). I can lose my home if someone I know gets arrested (even if they aren't convicted). I have to have curtains, but I need written permission to put up a curtain rod. I'm responsible for cleaning up after my neighbors pets. All decorations must be approved by management. AND I'm not allowed to do anything, own anything, or think about anything that might offend someone else.

Okay, so I might be taking things a bit to an extreme, but seriously, if you read our new book you would see how ridiculous this stuff is.

I've been tempted to send condoms to all the board members to let them know if they're going to screw me, please use protection!

It's been hectic and I still need to find time to get thank you's out. Yes I know it's late, but better than never.

ANYWAY! You now have a full update. As far as pictures. I still haven't taken them off my camera or phone. When I do, I'll be sure to get them posted for you viewing pleasure. SO LAY OFF!!

Love and happy belated holidays.
Ellie's Mommie

Don't be a hypocrite!

2007-11-29T13:46:00.001-06:00

You're okay when the school censors clothing that promotes alocohol, tobacco or drugs. You're okay when the school censors clothing that implies inappropriate behavior.

You're okay when the school censors how short skirts can be, even if that means the cheerleaders are not allowed to wear their uniforms to school.

You're okay when the school censors chains, trench coats, bandanas, head bands and jewelry.

You even recommend that the school should censor some of the books that are extremely graphic and intense.

However, the minute someone points out that your pep club t-shirts might be taken the wrong way, you are instantly pissed to hell and back!

I'm sorry that it didn't click in your mind. Clearly, it is an issue you need to take up with your husband. Thankfully, I am not the only person who totally understands how someone could take your "logo" the wrong way.

Yes we may be sickos. We may be perverts. We may need to get our minds out of the gutter. But that is besides the point.

"GIVE US SOMETHING TO SCREAM ABOUT!" can be taken wrong on so many levels.

The madder you get, the more I think you are just jealous that some of us have something to scream about!!!

And if my memory serves me right, I do recall a few cheerleaders who had something to scream about on the bus ride home from the game.

You want to censor things, you're gonna have to get over it and choose a new logo.

Sorry if it hurt your feel bads, but I'm just speaking the truth. You can't have one set of rules for the school and another set for your organizations.

I still vote you leave the shirts the way they are. But I'm a trouble making bitch like that who loves to see "upity" people all freaked out over stupid bullshit.

Better yet, get T-shirts that say:

"SEND THIS BACK TO MY PARENTS SOAKED!"

That'll piss em off!

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Yes, She ALWAYS smiles for the camera!!

2007-11-24T23:40:00.000-06:00

We're #1

----------*----------

I'm a little munchkin child!!

----------*----------

Come any closer and I'll sock you one!

----------*----------

Happy Holidays!!

My latest accomplishment!

2007-11-14T15:24:00.001-06:00

About a week ago, I recieved a postcard from an "anonomous" mailer letting me know that there would be a party for my great-uncles birthday. Since my mother had recieved a phone call a few days prior, it was no surprise that there was a party. It was, however, a surprise to find the postcard in the mail THE DAY BEFORE the "party"!! Unfortunately, much like our summer camp out, I was unable to attend on such a short notice!

Upon closer examination, I realized that the "mystery mailer" had suddenly forgotten my name! I realize that I haven't spoken to anyone in a while, but I'm pretty sure there are enough gossip-mongers around to spread the news if I had run off with the pizza boy and changed my name to SNITZLEBOGGER MCGOOGLETON!!

Further examination, revealed my address was wrong, which probably (along with no last name) contributed to the late arrival of my postcard. I find it very difficult to believe that the "mystery mailer" was capable of remembering my zip code, but somehow forgot my house number by accident.

At this point I became a little bit irked. Honestly, why in the world would you take the time to invite me to a party and then intentionally forget my name, miswrite my address, and then not even sign the postcard (I mean photograph you wrote on the back of) with your name or return address? WHAT A WASTE OF A STAMP!! If you were trying to punish me, you might start by keeping me away from things I like. Eating dinner at a cheesy western bar with a bunch of 70-year-olds is not my idea of great excitement!! Gee, real sorry I missed out on all that excitement!!

So today, I finally found the time to be a real BITCH!

I sent a postcard with these two maps on the front:

Then, I took a knife and cut out a square in Nebraska where my parents live, and a square in Kansas where I live.

Written in the upper left, it says:

Since you find it

so hard to simply

APPOLOGIZE

for being WRONG!

Written in the bottom right:

Maybe it

will be easier

if you just

DO THIS!

On the back I wrote:

I'm not dumb enough to believe you lost my

address or accidentally forgot how to write it

correctly. I'm not stupid enough to think that

you forgot what MY LAST NAME WAS! And

I don't think it's a coincidence that your post-

card arrived in my mail the day before the party!

GROW UP!!!

Since you can't act like adults, please forget

where I live, lose my address, erase my phone

number AND forget any "holidays".

AND LEAVE MY PARENTS ALONE!! You

didn't give a shit when it mattered so don't

bother them now!

Along the bottom edge I placed our latest family pic, a pic of Ellie, and two 3-generation photos. Of course, I couldn't resist strategically placing hearts over Ellie's face in ALL of the pictures! (that was the influence of my mother & co-worker)

Then I wrote near the pictures in small print:

Does this make

you mad?

I'd apologize

but I don't

think I've done

anything

wrong!

Hand written along the middle edge it says:

Looks like childish bullshit is contagious!

Since I wanted to be sure my postcard arrived, I did not omit the last name... instead I mispelled it henDICKS!!! Then I addressed it to the wrong P.O. Box (40 instead of 42).

I will be mailing this postcard today or tomorrow... oh the joys!

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO MESS WITH ME???!!!

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Guess Who?

2007-11-09T21:34:00.000-06:00

Mommie & Ellie on Halloween 2007 at the Mall.

Dressed up as a school girl with an apple!

When Grandma & Grandpa Visit

2007-10-28T17:17:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time in a tiny little apartment there lived three little bears. A Daddy bear, a Mommie bear, and a baby Ellie bear. One weekend, Grandma Bear and Grandpa Bear were visiting. The first night, all of the Bears piled into the little one bedroom apartment and everything was fine and dandy.

On the second day, Grandma Bear, Mommie Bear and Baby Ellie Bear went shopping and had their pictures taken.

Baby Ellie Bear had a couple of pictures taken of herself too.
But she was not impressed when Mommie Bear and Grandma Bear decided to smother her in kisses.
After some more kisses, a lengthy shopping spree, and a stupid cashier who thought I wouldn't say anything about $8.11 cents worth of coupons that she just sat aside without crediting... the Lady Bears went back to their small cave resort.

Later that evening Goldilocks stumbled by with her two cubs dressed for Halloween. The genearal assumption is that Goldilocks wanted to ask Mama bear to give her a ride to the Halloween party, but since Goldilocks has been especially crappy lately (and Mommie Bear thinks she'd make an entertaining tether ball) Grandma Bear answered the door with teeth bared. Goldilocks did not ask if we had any chairs, porridge or cozy beds, but instead went begging elsewhere. A wise decision since I'm not sure I had any toothpicks around for Grandma Bear to pick her teeth with. Also, I don't think there's enough Listerine in the world to get that BAD TASTE out of Grandma Bears mouth.

Anyway, all was good and fun. Grandma and Grandpa Bear seemed to have a good time and we enjoyed having them here to visit. Hopefully next time they visit, we'll have a little bigger cave to give us all a little more elbow room.

Love & Kisses,

THE BEAR (not BARE) FAMILY!!

** Stay tuned for the tortures of Halloween and other pictures snapped this weekend.

Fabulous Deals 10/21

2007-10-21T01:01:00.000-06:00

Since I'm a Mommie now, I'm always on the look out for fabulous deals, freebies, and good coupons. Cousin Mole, having given birth to Deadbeat Dyke's lovechild, is also on the lookout for good deals. As a result, I'm dedicating a whole new section to shopping bargains, excellent coupons, and freebies. Anytime I find something awesome/useful/relatively handy, I'll post it to share with all.

What makes me different from other people who list free stuff? I don't list the "SCAMS".

FREE-LOADER TIP #1 - if you are looking for free things and the opening screen simply asks for an email... don't do it, they'll spam your address, plus they always require you to participate in their programs. Bad sites are brandarama.com and anything that looks too good to be true.

FREE-LOADER TIP #2 - you may want to sign up for a free email address just for the freebies. I won't send you to any spam sites, but some of the companies send you emails and eventually you'll get bogged down in crap. I get so much spam I don't notice, but it's just a thought.

FREE-LOADER TIP #3 - I do not guarantee any of these freebies to arrive. I'll make a note if I did receive my sample and I'll try to let you know the size, quality, and if it had coupons. But honestly, I get so many samples anymore that I can't keep track of them.

FREE-LOADER TIP #4 - I can't guarantee the offer is still there. Walmart changes their samples often so check back to their site often. I've gotten some good samples from them (Dry Cleaner Sheets, Purex Detergent & Softener, Listerine Whitening Strips, etc.) They're always changing them. Other offers expire or run out of supplies.

Hope you can get some use out of some of this

Today's picks:

Upromise - If you have a credit card you're willing to register OR shop at certain stores (Dillon's, Gerbe's, Baker's, GNC, Walmart.com, etc.) you can sign up free at this website and a percentage of your purchases for certain products (Tylenol, Flintstone vitamins, certain groceries, etc.) will be saved toward a college fund for your child, a friends child, etc. Check it out! (I'm a member & I'm happy with it)

Tylenol Recall - In light of the recent recall for Infant Tylenol Cold & Cough products, Tylenol is offering you a coupon for $5 off a Tylenol product (Expiration date 11/19/07) It's a printable coupon, so you may be asked to install the coupon printer, but it's no big deal. Click the link at the bottom of the recall notice to print coupon. (Coupon printed no problem)

Rebate on Polident Denture Care - Haven't tried it, but it's a company site so it's safe if you're interested.

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL FREE SAMPLES
(I got tired of typing Free Sample)

Smokers - Free Sample of Nicorette Red - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

Hairapy - Free Sample of Sunsilk Shampoo/Conditioner - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. Get another free sample HERE. (Got this one from Walmart. One application shampoo, one conditioner, one after shower conditioning stuff, plus a coupon)

Tylenol PM Rapid Release - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

NurtaSweet - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

Baby Formula - Free Sample of Parent's Choice Gentle (Walmart Brand) - Fill out the information and they will send you a bag of formula (1 day supply, no coupon) - Did it, got it, gave it to a neighbor when she ran out the day before payday. Just fill out your mailing address, email, and answer a couple questions. Another 30 second easy one.

Baby Formula - Another Free Sample of Parent's Choice Milk Formula - Same website as above, just a different formula. You can request samples of both. (Did it! 1 Day supply, no coupon.)

Baby Bowl from Beechnut - Sign up for their email newsletter and they'll send you a bowl for your baby. (Got it!)

Dove Cool Moisture hair care - Fill out easy form, get a free sample. I love dove samples, they aren't cheap crappy samples. They usually come in the trial size containers, but I haven't gotten this one yet so who knows. Get another Dove hair care sample HERE. Again, haven't gotten this one so not sure on the size.

Reviva Skin Care - Never heard of the company, haven't signed up yet, but it's another easy form to fill out.

Murad Intensive Wrinkle Reducer - Again, don't know much on this one, but if your interested, it's not a scam.

Always - Fill it out for your daughter (mine's 5 months old so I guess I'll get the samples, but anyway) you'll get free samples for a happy period (yeah right!) Want more Always Samples click HERE. Prefer Tampex? Get them HERE. (I have gotten some samples from Always - not sure it's the same request, but they came with cute stickers and a sticky note pad). How about Kotex? Or Playtex?

L'Oreal Skin Genesis - This one came the other day, small sample packet and it might have had a coupon, can't remember. Click pink hexagon when screen loads.

Eucerin Calming - Simple form. Haven't done it.

Lotion sample from The Healing Garden - Simple form. Haven't got it.

Dove Energy Glow Lotion - Got this one it was a trial size bottle. It's a lotion with a light tanner in it. Have I mentioned I love Dove?

Dove Proage - I got the deoderant. Love it. Also came in a trial size container with coupons.

Garnier Nutritioniste - This one's from the company site so I'm sure it's the real deal, but I haven't done it yet.

CoffeeMate - This one says I can't republish their offer and since I'm not sure what that means, I'll just tell you to check out this link before October 31st if you enjoy a little something extra in your morning coffee. (I know I said not to go to sites that start out just asking for your email, but this one's okay. It's the company site.)

Sensodyne Toothpaste - Get a sample of ProNamel and a regular Sensodyne sample. Requires sign up with GlakoSmithClyne or whatever the company is. Did it today so haven't got samples yet. Teeth still not clean enough? Get some Aquafresh Extreme Clean (prints a buy one free coupon, must activate coupon printer) and then get more Aquafresh coupons under "Savings & Special Offers:

Reach Access Flosser - Link to free flosser on right side of screen. Also a link to printable coupon. Did it today.

This one is for Adult's over 18 only - Durex lubricant - I'm not fond of this brand so I haven't done it, but it might be worth someone's interest. If you prefer Astroglide, get a sample of that HERE. (got it - enough said!)

And with that, "I'm Spent!"
Have a great week!!

What a STEAL!!

2007-10-10T10:55:00.001-06:00

Why I am the total BOMB?

I went to Sears on Sunday (and MONDAY) and bought the following items on clearance! You really need to look at the prices on these items... it's INSANE!

in brown . . . cost? . . . $1.99 (Originally $29.99)

in red . . . cost? . . . $0.89 (Originally $16.00)

cost? . . . $1.49 (Originally $29.99)

in green . . . cost? . . . $2.69 (Originally $39.99)

cream w/ floral print . . . cost? . . . $0.99 (Originally $11.98)

So lets see... if you share the jeans with the two tops I bought 4 outfits (2 dresses, two jean/tops)

The retail value of the clothes was . . . $127.95!!!

How much did I pay? $8.05!!!

Do you see that? RIDICULOUS!!! 4 outfits for $8!! I can't even buy a pair of sweat pants at Wal-Mart for that price!! CRAZY!!

Speaking of Wal-Mart... they do make my weekend sales list.

On Saturday, I bought the following there:

cost? $4.00 (Originally $18.92)

cost? $4.50 (Originally $5.77)

AND

a pair of sexy red high heels for $7.00 (Originally about $28)

Yeah... I'm a BARGAIN WHORE... you're just jealous!

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So what's my excuse this time?

2007-10-03T12:26:00.001-06:00

*DISCLAIMER* AUTHOR IS NOT LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGE (PHYSICAL, MENTAL OR OTHERWISE) THAT MAY RESULT FROM THE READING OF THIS MATERIAL. AUTHOR HAS OFFICIALLY LOST HER MARBLES!!

Apparently, there's a magic loop that I too have been left out of (stupid place is probably full of Hippies and Construction workers anyway!)

But since people are starting to worry that the leprechans will never send out a proper RANSOM letter, I figure I ought to make it known that I stole their pot of gold (rainbow and all) and ran off to Cancun with a happy cloud named Benny!

So keep your pennies and buy some more vicadin because I don't need your box of Fruit Loops. I have enough mental problems of my own, please don't make me cope with yours also.

When my coworker read to me what my mother emailed her, I suddenly came to the tragic realization that someday the time will come for me to put my mother in a nutty farm. I simply have not got enough money to build her a properly constructed fully padded room where she cannot injure herself.

First of all, my mother is a complete CLUTZAHOLIC and secondly, I worry that if left unsupervised, she just might begin sticking Rice Crispies in the hopes that the *SNAP*

*CRACKLE*

*POP*

will drown out the voices in her head.

Besides, do you know how expensive it would be to keep supplying her with books and crayons to eat? I love my dear mother, but I have to draw the line at cereal snorting crayola consumers!

If it is not obvious to you yet, I will point out the simple fact that I am just as crazy as my mother. Yes, I'm a few fries short of a happy meal!

My elevator doesn't go to the top floor! And I have seriously contemplated the quantum physics required to keep your balance while spinning around in the front yard in the middle of the night in the rain until you fall down in the drainage ditch and nearly drown. But, I have one thing that YOU PEOPLE DON'T!!

I COME BY IT NATURALLY!!!

I am genetically prone to being WHACKO, WIERDO, PSYCHO, NUTTY, etc. The Bonkers bug bit me on the ass long before I came into the odd little world. I was destined to spend my life in a state of SEMI-DELERIUM. If you got out the microscope and checked my genes, you'd find little people screaming from their straight-jackets. And what am I supposed to do about them?

I can't kick them all out on the streets so we have a bunch of miniture psycho homeless people begging for pennies in front of the supermart!! Can you imagine the chaos? People like you would be walking around and you'd see this tiny little psycho person and you'd total FREAK! The mass hysteria that would result would cause a boat load of guilt that I'm not sure I could handle.

So, CLEARLY, I'm INSANE!!! But what's YOUR EXCUSE?? Hmmmm... do tell me why all of you "normal" people do STUPID SHIT? I do stupid shit because my genetics cause chemical imbalances which send mixed messages to the neurons and wreak havoc on my passive state of mind. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE!!! You do stupid shit because you are genetically prone to being STUPID!! Just accept it!

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Testing

2007-09-28T06:43:00.001-06:00

So lets see if you can really blog from your email or if this is something stupid that will make monkeys fly out my ass when I push send.

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Dear Grandma

2007-09-09T13:05:00.000-06:00

Thank you so much for coming to visit us here in Kansas. We love you so very much and are very happy that you got to come see us. I really love the mobile and the baby monitor that you got for me and all the cool books will be fun to read with Mommy and Daddy.

I'm sorry you didn't get to see much of Daddy because he was working, but I hope you know that he was glad you got to come down and he appreciates everything you did while you were here.

I'm trying to be a good girl today because I know that Mommy isn't feeling very well. She took some medicine and squirted junk in her throat to make it stop hurting, now she's feeling so-so. I had some more of my cereal this morning and I loved it.

I hope you had a good drive home and tell Grandpa I miss him and love him much. Thank Grandpa for everything also and tell him we hope he can come down next time.

Well, I better go now and go take care of Mommy. She's sleepy and keeps getting woke up from her nap. Amber stopped by to tell us that Ms. Janet got mad because Amber called the HUD lady last night. Then Brenda stopped by to ask to use the thermometer. Faithy is running a temperature so Brenda went home to give her some medicine. But at least Mommy got a little bit of a nap and I'm being good. She took some cold meds to help, plus another antibiotic, and throat spray so now she's feeling okay for a while. Hopefully Mommy won't be sick for very long.

Mommy says that you think you've got the same thing. Hope you don't feel too icky. Take some antibiotics and get some rest.

Love you both very much and lots of BIG THANK YOUS!

Hugs & Kisses

Elocin Nicole

Fairytales and Funny Letters

2007-08-25T19:01:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away, there lived a beautiful princess in a magnificent palace. And every morning the princess would wake with a beautiful smile and kiss her parents and tell them how much she loved them....

Okay, I'm full of shit! Honestly it wasn't a land far away... it was Kansas... and it wasn't a beautiful princess... it was a deceptively gorgeous baby girl who was secretly hiding her demon heritage behind those pretty eyes... and it wasn't a palace, it was a 1-bedroom low-income apartment that certainly doesn't have enough room for the spoiled princess's toys... and she didn't wake every morning with a smile, she screamed to be fed and changed and played with... and she didn't tell her parents she loved them, she PUKED on everything they owned and when especially thrilled she even PUKED on them!!

That being said...

Dear Mrs. Mother of the Flaming Psycho -
Maybe, if your daughter hadn't threatened to KILL the housing director she wouldn't be getting kicked out. Maybe if your daughter didn't leave her kids home alone all the time, she wouldn't be having all these problems. Maybe if you daughter had one ounce of human decency this wouldn't have happened. And MAYBE trying to run her car through the housing director's front lawn at 6 AM wasn't the smartest thing she could have done. So maybe she shouldn't be talking about what a bitch the housing director is and how it's all her fault! Maybe, you should turn her over your knee and give her the proper paddling she deserves rather than trying to ruin the housing director's life. And MAYBE if you come to my apartment with a tape recorder, I will not only tell you how much I like the housing director, but also let loose with how much I hate that bitch that used to live in the apartment down on the end! Yes, we're having a block party to celebrate her eviction. Yes, we are all very happy she is gone. Granted, I had alterior motives for wanting her gone (i.e. empty 3-bedroom means my neighbor moves out & I get her 2-bedroom!) However, I still think your daughter is a bitch and am very happy that she is gone!
Good Riddens!

Dear Student Who Didn't Think I Could Give a Detention,
Luckily for you, the fact that you mistook me for an 18-year-old high school student saved your butt and made me feel extremely generous. Plus, I got quite a laugh out of the fact that you were shocked to know I had a child. Normally I give out A's for such "flattery" however, the fact that you refused to read during class and thought I was lying made me a little less generous.
Be More Careful

Dear Neighbor's Soon To Be Ex-Husband,
I realize that in your mixed up little brain you somehow believe that you are a more fitting parent for your son. However, I find it very hard to believe that you could handle one night alone with your child when you can't even bother to take him on the days he is scheduled to be with you. You can't take him on weekends because it will interfere with your "plans." You can't take him when he has an ear infection because he'll keep you up all night. You can't keep him if you have to work, or hang out, or pee. Do the world a favor and stop trying to villify the one GOOD parent he has in his life. Oh, and don't bother trying to make a bad guy out of Mommy's boyfriend either because frankly, he does more for the kid that you do. I give tons of points to any guy who goes out and buys diapers for his girlfriend's child because Daddy didn't do it!
Dead beat!

Dear High School Girl Who's Playing Both Sides of the Fence,
You seriously need to grow up. As if two people in the middle of a divorce don't have enough issues, you have to go back and forth filling Daddy in on the details of Mommy. That would be entirely one thing, except that in your little teenage mind there is not enough excitement around so you decide to stretch the truth and tell him that Mommy doesn't take care of the kid, has drugs in her house, doesn't clean and is lazy. Seriously! GET A LIFE! And don't try to tell me she's lazy either because I live right next door! DUH!!
Take thy DRAMA elsewhere!

Dear People Who Think They Want To Visit Me:
I hope you are prepared to put up with all the local DRAMA, or that you are equipped with ANTI-DRAMA suits to repell the deadly effects of other people's fucked up lives.
Good Luck

----*----
P.S.

Dear Neighbors New Husband,
I'm sorry you had the unfortunate business of meeting my former MISTAKE at one point, but I have to be honest. I laughed my ass off at this... "Did they call him Whitesnake?"... "Well, honestly I thought he was a FAG!"
ROTFLMFAO for a WEEK!!!

And P.S.S.

Dear Willie,
I realize that you were rather shocked to have three good looking girls tell you good-bye when you were playing pool at RCM last weekend. I know that you were trying very hard to figure out who we were. I'm sorry that I didn't come up and say hello to you when you came in, but frankly, I didn't like you much when I was married to your cousin so I didn't see the point. So, since I'm feeling sorry for the fact that you've been racking your brain to figure it out, I decided to give your balls a break and fill you in. I'm the BITCH who used to be married to that ALBINO asshole cousin of yours. Now stop scratching and the chafing will go away soon!

Oh Kiss Off and Have a Giggle At My Expense

2007-08-22T15:18:00.000-06:00

Update: It should be noted that the Evil Munchkin from the Flaming Realms of OZ was exterminated in order to make room for the FemiNazi terrorist that I carried in my womb for nine months and who aspires to someday be a world dictator!!

Things you should know about the newest member of the crime villian family:

Clearly she drinks too much soda, dirties too many dishes, goes through too many outfits and has too damn many toys. That is the only explanation for the state of my household.
Her internal clock is set to go off precisely 1 hour after Daddy goes to bed and two hours before Mommie wakes up for work.
The fluid retention mechanism in this child's stomach is pre-programed to malfunction precisely 15 minutes before Mommie is ready to go out with the "girls." It is uncertain whether this malfunction is triggered by the color of Mommie's lipstick, the smell of Mommie's clean clothes or the sound of Mommie putting her keys in her purse. Due to the fact that someone has intentionally removed the maintence sticker from this child which I am certain contained a toll-free number for technical assistance, we are currently unable to correct this major malfunction.
The number of outfits this child dirties in one day is precisely equivilant to the number of ounces she eats during any given 24-hour period, multiplied by the number of hours she spends awake.
The number of grey hairs that Mommie and Daddy acrue is equivilent to the number of dirty diapers, plus the number of dirty outfits, times the number of times the pacifier is refused, plus the number of minutes she screams.

All prospective visitors to my home should come prepared with several changes of clean clothes. As a general precaution it may be wise to take your dirty socks and rub them on as cologne to counteract the scent of clean laundry which I am certain agitates this child to no end. Guest should also be equipped with ear plugs (I recommend the ear muffs that they use on the shooting range as this child has developed an new sound which could easily break the sound barrier and is exactly the right pitch to shatter glass.) In addition, I suggest that guest be fully prepared to stand in an upright position and be capable of hold a baby while wiping their ass.

Childbirth classes they don't teach (but should):

How to Crap & Breastfeed in Unison
The Wild World of Baby Fluids
The Musical Stages of Child's Screaming
Elevation and it's Affects on a Child's Crying
The Horrors of Breastfeeding and Nipple Tattoos
101 Reasons Your Child Might Fuss
Doctors Don't Know Everything
Balancing a Baby on a Budget

That being said, I adore my baby girl and I wouldn't trade her for the world. There is one more class that should be offered to all expectant mothers: 1 Million Ways a Baby Can Melt Your Heart!!

Love and Hugs to All

2007-08-21T10:03:00.000-06:00

Dear Evil Munchkin From the Flaming Realms of OZ:

I realize that this is a very small apartment, but there are only 2.5 people living in it at this time and I simply see no reason why it needs to look like a tornado went through it. Seriously, if I start digging through things, I imagine I will find two feet sticking out from under the edge of a wall, complete with ruby slippers!

I will take partial responsibility for the dirty dishes piling up on the counter. I can even accept the trash that is waiting to be hauled out (can't take trash out while there's a maniac on the loose - at least that's my excuse!) Not to mention the fact that I'm too busy following your strange gremlin tracks around in the hopes that I can catch you and make you take the trash out!

However, I simply cannot understand the 15,000 Starburst wrappers that are fornicating on my desk! And what's with the miniture armada of paper airplanes sitting on the printer?

Honestly, your fun little games are not amusing me. I was especially not impressed when you decided to start breaking various appliances. I realize we don't have the newest appliances, and things are bound to break from time to time, but was it honestly necessary to break both the fridge door and the television at once?

Okay, so maybe we should have taken a closer look when the fridge door didn't shut the first time. Maybe, instead of assuming it was just a piece of shit that didn't seal on the first push, we should have investigated. Maybe slamming the door and cussing at it was not the correct reaction. But who in their right mind would have guessed that something was stuck in the door and that the bottom hinge would break as a result of slamming it? Do you realize how many times I've slammed that fridge door? Why? Because it's notorious for being a piece of shit. Who would have guessed it would actually break? I fully believe that you, Evil Munchkin, waited until the perfect moment to place a small, seemingly invisible item in the door to purposely break it. I am not amused! Though I am greatly appreciative of my brand spanking new fridge, I do not believe that you intended such good fortune to fall upon us. As a result, I am now determined that you hide in our new refridgerator and freeze my milk despite the fact that the fridge is set to the lowest (warmest) setting!! WTF?!?!

And the TV!! What did the TV ever do to you? Okay, so the plastic casing had a little crack in it from when Daddy Dearest tripped over it in the middle of the night. No big deal. But why, when Daddy Dearest decided that the picture on the small TV was better, did you decide to chisel away at the crack until Daddy Dearest sat the TV down and the whole thing collapsed? Was that necessary? Do you realize how ghetto my TV looks now? Yes, I like the big TV better, but you can't read the words on the guide and you can't read the captions on the storm warnings and you can't tell if the thing in the background is a tree or the serial killer sneaking up, but hey. I only watch 2 shows: House and Law & Order. If it's House, I assume the guy on the ground is sick. If it's Law & Order, I assume the guy on the ground is dead. Yes, I could put the big TV back up until we can pick up Daddy Dearest's TV this weekend, but I decided it's kind of nice getting to watch more than two shows, since I can actually read the guide to know what they are! So yes, I will watch my ghetto, backless TV that is being supported by a poisonous jar of toxic Peter Pan peanut butter. I will smile at the creativity of Daddy Dearest and hope that I don't have any unexpected guests in the next few days. And I will laugh as I force Daddy Dearest to throw a fully functioning TV into the dumpster because HONESTLY, we are not that FUCKING POOR that we need to keep a 20-inch backless TV around "just in case".

So as you can see, Evil Munchkin, I am in no way impressed with your Full Moon antics. Making a soda can explode on Daddy Dearest right before he headed to work. Not cool! Mysteriously knocking down anything in my shower that is held up with a suction cup (especially in the middle of the night). Annoying! And what the hell are you doing with all of my fingernail clippers? I swear!

I have had to place tracking beacons on all of my socks, since you insist on following me to the washer and stealing them. I now count socks before I take them to the washer, as I place them in the washer, as I place them in the dryer, and again when I fold them. I have so far managed to keep all socks paired with an appropriate match. I believe instead that you are now stealing underwear and silverware. I hate to fathom what strange place setting you have created in your Evil Munchkin dining room.

I am hereby issuing a warrant for your immediate eviction from this apartment. All individuals have been informed to squish you on site. If you cannot behave like a civilized part of society, I will be forced to call in an exterminator. Don't think for one moment that your band of cavity-ridden Lollipop kids and your flying monkeys will be able to protect you.

Sincerely,
The Great and Powerful Ellie's Mommie!!

Proof of Life

2007-08-10T16:29:00.000-06:00

Random Conversation for your entertainment (On our anniversary in the hotel spa)

Me: Once upon a time there was a...
Daddy Dearest: MAN
Me: And he wanted to...
DD: F#CK
Me: But he didn't have a...
DD: CONDOM
Me: So he used a...
DD: NAPKIN
Me: But it...
DD: BROKE
Me: And so he...
DD: DIED!!
Me: The End

Yes, I'm Alive

2007-07-28T20:01:00.002-06:00

Yes, it's true. All is well here in OZ... unfortunately I haven't hadmuch time to keep you all informed of the news and updates. A little girl with an ear infection has been taking most of my time. Yes, Daddy has been doing his fair share, but when I've had a free moment, I've been socializing with my neighbors or catching up on some much needed sleep.

First things first. Since we all know you'd rather see more pictures of Ellie than read my ramblings. NEW PICS are now on Ellie's site. Some of them are from clear back in June. I posted them today with dates and later I'll go back and put them in June where they belong. The newest ones were taken today. She's been very cooperative this evening so I thought I'd snap some quick pics since Daddy had her dressed in my favorite onsie. So go get your BABY FIX!

Though these aren't nearly as good as my Mom's storm pics, this was the freaky storm that came through on July 12th. All was quiet and then suddenly the wind came up and BOOM! It was moving too quick to really do much (crossed the county in 30 minutes!) but there was some cool dipping and twisting in the clouds.

And for those of you who desperately need humor in your lives, here's my neighbor's 16-month-old daughter proving that NOT EVERYTHING IN KANSAS IS FLAT!!
Yes, we're just a bunch of Midwestern Misfits!! We're true Americans...
REDneck,
WHITE trash,
BLUE collar!!!

Yes, I

2007-07-28T20:01:00.001-06:00

Update

2007-07-22T10:48:00.000-06:00

Someone please explain this too me...

If you read the previous post you know that Mrs. C is with a real asshole. I realize that assholism is usually an inheritted problem. And yet, it never ceases to amaze me when one asshole reveals his backwoods-asshole-roots.

So the other night in the middle of all this hoopla, Grandma C showed up in a hissy fit demanding that she have her Grandchild, blah blah blah. When she's storming around in a fit while one of the women calls the police I try to explain that we're just making sure Neighbor B's butt is covered because Grandparent's don't have custodial rights. At this point Grandma C gets pissy with me asking what custodial rights I have!! ("Lady, I'm not claiming to have rights to your grandkid, I'm just trying to make sure everyone is doing right by that little girl asleep at my neighbors!... grrr... I hate people!)

So yes, they had to give the kid to her, they had to sit back and let this all happen knowing that Mrs. C would be out of jail in 1 hour to come get her kid. There is this huge stink, Grandma C is bitchy, Mr. C is bitchy, all the C's have clearly forgotten to take their assholism mediations. Grandma C threatens other Grandma with legal actions and lawyers, etc.

Now, keep in mind that this all took place at precisely 5:00 AM. About 5 hours later, they must have decided they'd had enough because Grandma C delivered the baby to Mrs. C at about 10:00 AM before she dropped her son off at his apartment at 11! Guess they didn't really want the kid as bad as they thought. Or maybe Mr. C couldn't be bothered with his kid over the weekend (Mrs. C has to take her to day-care while she works, even though Mr. C doesn't have a job!) Or maybe, Grandma C took her son in for a drug test like she promised only to find out that Mrs. C was telling the truth!! That of course is unlikely, but my favorite explanation.

I don't really know anything other than the fact that assholism is clearly genetic and obviously the only reason that the C family wanted the baby last night was to hurt Mrs. C!

--------

P.S. -- "Mr. C, you probably shouldn't be calling all the guys here PUSSIES for not fighting with you. YOU turned your girlfriend in because she SLAPPED you!! I think that makes it VERY CLEAR who the real PUSSY is!!"

P.S.S. -- "Great, now all the psychos are going to be on my site looking to slap some pussy! Sorry to disappoint!"

Be careful what you wish for...

2007-07-21T10:55:00.000-06:00

We have hereby concluded that living here is the best cure for boredom. If you are totally lacking in your fair share of DRAMA and feel that life has you trapped in an excitement-free-rut... please, come join us at our housing facility.

Last night's events involved the following:

Police visit #1 - Neighbor A gets a phone call from her ex-husband and BIL threatening to come over and start shit with her current boyfriend because he's "stepping on the ex-husband's toes". Poor J is having to defend himself & his girlfriend but he's still not getting any! Why? Well beause the cops keep interrupting...

Police visit #2 - Neighbor B is watching Neighbor C's daughter. Mr. C is supposedly hopped up on drugs & drunk, but trying to beat Mrs. C to pick up his daughter. Mrs. C slapped Mr. C for demanding $100 for crap when she's struggling to pay rent. Cops arrest Mrs. C for domestic assault and say Mr. C can pick up his daughter after noon when he sobers up.

Police call - Mr. C's mother comes to pick up grandbaby, must get clarification from police before handing the child over.

Police visit #3 - While loading up his kid in his mother's vehicle (no car seat) Mr. C threatens ever person who is standing outside. Threatens to sic his dog on people. Threatens to come back with his cousin. Police do nothing.

Police call - reporting that grandma & Mr. C are driving without carseat.

All in all... the cops did nothing about Mr. C being drunk on probation. They did nothing about the fact that he clearly drove 30 miles drunk. They did nothing to see if he was on drugs. They did not catch them without a carseat. They did not file charges for the threats made.

The only good thing is that the housing director doesn't tolerate this behavior and she is now going to handle it. And Mrs. C did not have to spend the night in jail. As of 6 am she was leaving with her parents. Sadly though, she will now have to fight to get her kid back from Mr. C.

Oh the excitement!! Come join!

Like sands through the hour glass... so are the days of our lives.

Pet Peeve of the Day

2007-07-16T13:59:00.000-06:00

Having crawled out from under my rock, I decided to spend the day browsing the internet. Just some random browsing. And I stumbled upon my mother's local newspaper and an article published last week. MAN DOES THIS BURN MY ASS!!

Step 1: U.S. Surgeon General publishes a report on the dangers of second-hand smoke.
Step 2: Local law enforcement decides it is their duty to label smoking with a child in the vehicle as CHILD ABUSE!
Step 3: Charge all people caught smoking in a vehicle with a child with a Class 1 misdemeanor ($1,000 fine! That'll make 'em quit smoking!)
Step 4: Decide smoking in your home is child abuse!
Step 5: TOTAL VIOLATION OF CIVIL RIGHTS!!

Maybe I'm stretching things a bit. Maybe my visions of perfectly happy homes being disrupted by SWAT teams wielding automatic weapons and bullet-proof vests is going overboard. Maybe I just think that the government should mind their own fucking business and let me raise my kid!

What's next? Are they going to arrest me if I buy my kid a Happy Meal. Why not? Isn't just as dangerous to let my kid get fat? Doesn't a diet high in saturated fats clearly endanger my child's well being? What if I let them get a dog? What if it might someday bite? Isn't it dangerous to have my kid in a car at all? What if I let them play in the mud? Or eat a bug!! Or skin thier knee!! What if I don't apply Neosporin to every cut every time? What if I think it's okay for them ride a bicycle? Or climb a tree!! What if I cut my chicken and vegetables on the same cutting board? What if I let them try sushi? What if I'm okay with them playing video games? Or watching R-rated movies? Or listening to Rap!!! What if I let them ride horses? What if I let them swim in lakes? What if I let them go fishing? What if I don't make them tie their shoe laces? What if I forgot to read them Mother Gooses Nursery Rhymes every fucking night?

Seriously!!

Yes, I realize that smoking is the parent's choice and the child has no say in it. Therefor the national dictatorship feels it necessary to force us to do what is right. In that case... lets assess all the other "ADULT" choices that affect children.

What if I never marry her father? What if I do? What if I divorce him? What if I refuse to let her see some of her family members? What if I force her to see others? What if I make her go to school? What if I make her do her homework? For that matter, what if I let her skip school one day? What if I don't make her eat her vegetables at every meal? What if I don't force her to see a therapist? What if I let her eat chocolate cake for breakfast? What if I rub whiskey on her gums when she's teething? What if I let her watch too much TV? What if I don't pick her up when she cries? Do we pass a law that makes breast-feeding mandatory because it is better for children's health?

Let me make sure I've got this straight...
...I could be drunk every night, never hold my child, never tell them I love them, force my child to grow up in some fucked up relationship that is unhealthy, feed her crappy food, let her vegitate in front of the TV, never make her take a bath, and allow her to drop out of school... but as long as these activities aren't actually "harming" her it's okay... GOD FORBID I SMOKE A CIGARETTE IN A CAR WITH HER!!

Can we say, "HAIL HITLER!!!"?

Back to School

2007-07-15T13:07:00.000-06:00

POP QUIZ

Multiple choice:
1. Why does my child scream bloody fucking murder?
--a. She has an ear infection
--b. She had her shots on Wednesday
--c. She doesn't know what she wants
--d. She's the spawn of Hades

2. What time have we gone to bed this week?
--a. midnight
--b. 2 am
--c. 4 am
--d. 6 am

3. What time does Ellie wake up?
--a. 8 am
--b. 10 am
--c. Noon
--d. 2 pm

4. What TV shows am I currently addicted to?
--a. General Hospital and House
--b. Big Love and Lil' Bill
--c. America's Got Talent and Cities of the Underworld
--d. all of the above

5. What do I really wish I could do?
--a. run away to Mexico
--b. get my child to sleep in her crib
--c. get drunk with the football team
--d. marry a 99-year-old multi-millionaire the day before he croaks

True or False:

__ 6. I've had time to blog but nothing to blog about.
__ 7. I've seen almost all the movies that are playing in the theater this week.
__ 8. I missed an episode of Big Love and am freaking out because I don't know what is going on with the 3rd wife or what happened after the cops busted the compound!
__ 9. I actually cooked a meal this week and it was... MEATLOAF!
__ 10. Most of my neighbors are complaining about things going on in the housing center.

Essay:

Please tell me what you think my next blog should be about and why.

you can all thank Ellie's crazy Grandma for complaining... she earned the whole class homework!

Free Moment... Shh... Don't Laugh too hard... Oh Hell... She sleeps like a rock!

2007-07-05T18:07:00.000-06:00

FINALLY! I think this is the first time that the following events have all happened at the same time!

I have two arms free.
I'm not making a bottle.
I'm not pacing the floor pulling out my hair.
I'm not eating.
I'm not smoking.
I'm not sleeping.
I'm not having or pondering the idea of having sex.
I'm not too damn exhausted to think (let alone type).

Yes, I actually have a 100% free moment (knock on wood/paper/fiberboard/tree product) to catch up on all my loonies who I miss quite dearly. *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

It's true that I shouldn't be letting her sleep on the couch... on her stomach... during broad daylight... but you know... I just don't give a flying fuckity fart hook at this particular moment.

I hereby claim this moment as MINE!! ALL FUCKING MINE!!!

So as I strolled down the lovely streets of Blogland and the bees buzzed amongst the beautifully blooming flowers... I tripped over some frigging trash some asshole had thrown on the sidewalk... the next thing I know, I'm picking gum off the bottom of my shoe... and realize that some jackass teenager has spray painted graffiti on the side of my house!

I kicked the trash into the neighbor's yard (her's smells like ass anyway!), threw the gum on the sidewalk behind me and sprinkled powdered milk on the lawns of any house that has teenagers living in it (secretly wringing my hands and praying for rain, followed by a hot sunny day!)

Back to my lovely relaxing stroll... While I sympathize with the lonely life of Crystal, I could not help but laugh hysterically (as piss ran down my leg) because I can so relate to her circumstances. I can so picture myself standing on the front porch holding a gun, screaming at a dog, and cussing the asshole who is out fishing instead of home "protecting" his family. Then again... I'd probably have gotten myself shot by the cops for screaming "If you're bringing that worthless son-of-a-bitch home drunk, you better duck!"

Down the street a little further, I find Dawn wallowing in her petty hatred for her High School classmates. While her darling Terrance tries to talk her into "being the better person" I'm standing on the sidewalk screaming, "KICK THEIR ASSES DAWN!! TO HELL WITH THOSE BE-IOTCHES!!" Yes... it will be ten years for me soon. Do I carry a grudge with me every day? No... what a waste of time. But honestly, when you look back and think about it... don't they just PISS YOU OFF!! Yes, I have moved on and made a good life and those people hardly ever cross my mind, but like the ex you forgot about until you saw him on the street... having someone bring them back into your life just naturally digs up all the animosity you thought you had boxed away! It's not like you spend 10-20 years anxiously waiting for that reunion! Would you even notice if you never heard from them again? Then some idiot decides... "Lets get together and point and brag and relive our stupid youth because we have nothing better to do!" That's when you start feeling petty! So I'll be the one standing in the circle screaming "FIGHT FIGHT!! PULL HER HAIR OUT!!"

Further down the street, I thought about stopping in to say, "Hi" to Karla, but then I remembered it's almost eight o'clock and I'd hate to interupt her alcohol graphing. Since it wasn't too long ago that I was being tormented by my own little parasite, I thought I'd leave her alone to contemplate the future horrors of more singing Elmos.

I had to hold back my diabolic side as I passed further down the street. Looky Daddy is camping with his wife, a six-year-old and two-year-old twins. Now is the perfect time to sneak in and steal his stash from the mini-bar. But sadly, my good conscience over-ruled my inner-alcoholic and decided he would definately need that mini-bar when he gets back from camping. If he's smart, he took it with him!

So... my long stroll through Blogland has resulted in me wanting a dog, cursing my classmates, and clearly needing a drink since my darling daughter just woke back up. Enjoy the stroll but try to stay away from the trash. Also, don't dump your damn trash on my sidewalk anymore because Chris has enough shit piling up in her yard.

Happy Walking!

The Sexual Orientation of the Alphabet

2007-07-05T17:34:00.000-06:00

Fuckin' A!
Fuck a B... it has more holes
Fuck a C... it's looser
You fuck the B... I want to fuck the Y
No... the Y has a penis! You'll need to fuck the O
So what about the Q? Is it already getting fucked?
I don't know, but I'm sure you couldn't handle the T
No, I personally wanna fuck the P because it's got it all.
Are you sure the P isn't just a D with a strap-on?
Well, I'm not sure about that, but I do believe the Y is just a V with a strap-on.
What about the R? It has two dicks!!
This conversation is very obsurd!
I know, but what about all the letters we've left out?
You know the poor G is like, "Man, what about me? I'm like a C with a piercing!"
I don't even want to ask about the J and S!
My deepest appologies to the E, F, H, I, K, L, M, N, U, W, X, and Z

*This oughta bring the wierdos crawling out of the woodwork!

Who Needs Assholes To Celebrate With?

2007-07-05T01:09:00.000-06:00

For the Fourth of July, we were invited to join Aunt T's family for a spectacular fireworks display. I have to admit, I felt right at home (a.k.a. North Family was easily replaced!)

The following events took place and any of them could easily have been expected at a gathering of my own family!

The guests included: Six children, one dog, a dozen adults, and random neighbors. (not enough dogs)
Two little boys stripped butt-ass naked in the living room to put on swimming suits.
One little boy proceded to strut himself in a true Chip-n-Dale's style for the guests in the living room.
One mother chased her butt-ass naked boy around the house three times yelling "squishy tushy" while his Grandma tried to put his swimming suit on.
One little boy stripped in the kitchen because he desperatedly had to poop.
Another little boy stripped in the kitchen before running outside to pee in the driveway. (in town)
These same naked boys refused to come out of the bathroom after swimming. (Suddenly too shy to come get their dry clothes!)
The dog was on sedatives to help her cope with the guests (I could have benefitted from this a few times myself).
The kitchen counter contained a large jar of tea and fifteen large bottles of liquor (including two giant bottles of Crown Royal)
They had to call the neighbors to see if it was time to eat yet.
The statements "Get your butt away from the fireworks," "Don't touch that! It's HOT!," and "Don't cry to me if you get hurt!" echoed from the mouths of several parents.
Two children sustained minor injuries before sunset. (afterwards all children were denied punts)
When the neighbors ran out of firepower first, the taunting and bragging began. ("We're better than you," "LOSERS!" "Hahahaha")
Two kids crashed out on the couch.
Another begged Grandma to spend the night.
Everyone had a cigarette except Aunt T.
Someone mentioned the ex-husband and the cocaine addict.

As you can clearly see, these people would blend right into any family gathering of mine. Just in case any of them stumble onto this by accident. I love you!! Seriously. It was great! I had a great time! Fitting in and being fun is a good thing because I really can't stand snob-nosed stuck-up uptight jerks. THANKS!!

That being said, the beloved Ell slept through the majority of her first Fourth of July.

And she missed some really good fireworks.

But she finally woke up

Just in time for the grand finale!

Love and Hugs to all (especially Mom who hates this holiday and it's all my fault! Sorry... love you!)

*Note: I must say these firework pictures are quite spectacular considering my digital camera has about a two second delay from the time you click until the time the picture is taken. It took 60+ shots just to get this small handful of pictures.

This Oughta Satisfy You!!

2007-07-02T12:49:00.001-06:00

We had pictures taken yesterday and if these don't satisfy you for a while, nothing will!

Let Ellie Steal You Heart

visit her pictures

This one is for Grandma & Grandpa

Horny Bastards are Frothing At the Bit

2007-06-30T23:38:00.000-06:00

Okay, I'd love nothing more than to satisfy the insatiable needs of blogland (I'm a tramp like that!) but honestly, my "ASS," as my Mother so kindly puts it, is currently owned by a rather demanding individual (not Daddy Dearest, poor guy can't remember the last time he got some "ass"...was that too much? oh well, you asked for it).

Anyway, since my darling daughter insists that she needs to be the center of attention for most of the day... what is a mother to do? I thought about putting her in the baby sling and hanging her off the side of the desk, but unless I super-glued the pacifier in her mouth, I'm afraid she'd still object.

On the up side, she decided to develop a sleeping schedule. For three days in a row she was going to bed a little before midnight & sleeping straight through (minus a couple of feedings) until 9:30 am. The down side? We let her sleep all of one day because we were rearranging the bedroom and now that wonderful sleep schedule went out with the dirty diapers. Back to SQUARE ONE... which is just to the left of HELL!

Good thing is that Ell now has her own personal corner in the bedroom. Bad thing is that she refuses to spend any time in the bedroom unless she is asleep on MOMMIE'S BED!!

... on a lighter note, I'd like to publish this letter ...

Dear Mr. Postman who was sleeping in his vehicle at 3 PM in the park,

I now know why my mail is always late!!

Thank you!

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
I was tempted to blare on the horn as we passed him, but then I decided he was only delivering bills so who the hell cared.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

So our lives have been filled with tons of intellectual conversations.

Case in point:

*on trip to Nebraska*
Daddy Dearest: That tower looks like it has ping pong paddles on it!
Daddy Dearest: Oh Wait! They're bottle caps!
Daddy Dearest: Nope! They're modern indian drums!
Daddy Dearest: They just automatically go off on schedule
Daddy Dearest (in American Indian voice): Teepee burn down, Squaw run off, Horses die, Casino go under, We eat hogs, I sell my hair, Make good Tampons!! (by now voice is East Indian)
Me: *laughing hysterically, throws notebook on car floor*
Daddy Dearest: Release everything! Can't hold onto this! Must focus on breathing!
Daddy Dearest: Rub belly pat head, rub belly pat head, rub belly pat head! SHIT! Rub belly rub belly rub belly!!

As you can see, our car was clearly leaking some form of toxic gas into the vehicle which created this strange state of non-sense delerium. Not convinced! Try this conversation on for size:

Daddy Dearest: *something about Cantaloupe*
Me: We can too elope!
Daddy Dearest: No we can't!
Me: *Discussion about telling people we're already married*
Daddy Dearest: *Comments that we could stage a wedding complete with rented tux and dress*
Daddy Dearest: We'll even rent the bouquets!!
Daddy Dearest: OOOHHH!! I want a bOOOOOkie!
Me: *laughing hysterically* You're DELERIOUS!! *more laughter* bOOOOOkie!!
Daddy Dearest: bOOOOOkie? I don't know no Bookie! I don't read BOOKS!!
Me: *laughing & trying to speak*
Daddy Dearest: Mrs. B!!! (refers to a previous conversation not worth mentioning)
Me: *more laughter & tries to comment* B-b-bo...
Daddy Dearest: (interupting) BOO! Boob! Boobobee!!
Daddy Dearest: "Hi! I am BOOBOBEE!!"
Daddy Dearest: Let's name our son BOO-BO-BEE!!

Now, as much as I would truely love to blame these non-sense conversations on toxic gases, recreational drug use, or 80's flashbacks, I am reluctant to admit that this is just a fact of our lives. Even now, the insane subject matter continues to haunt me.

If you have watched the new animated series "Lil' Bush" this will be a lot more hilarious too you, but in case you haven't I'll give you a little background. The series has Bush Sr. as president and all of today's politicians are just kids. The character Lil' Cheney goes around constantly saying "Raar, raar, raar, ((random statement)), raar, raar!" That being said, this insanity has trickled into our brains and has become the new "silence breaker" in our home. When there is nothing to say (or we're too braindead to form logical conversations) we simply spew off these random statements...

Raar, raar, raar, POTATO CHIP raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, MOO COW raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, WHIPS & CHAINS raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CRYING BABY raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, SCARY CLOWN raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CANDY BAR raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, STRIP POKER raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, UGLY NEIGHBOR raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, JUNE BUG raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CABAGE PATCH KID raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, ANAL SEX (Was that too much? Sorry!)

You get the drift! It's been mind boggling around here!

And on a final note... let me leave you with some lyrics (sung to some symphony that I knew until I tried to think of it!)

If you are in the other room, then you will hear me,
If you are in the other room, then you will hear me,
I'll scream out loud
I'll scream out loud
I'll scream out VERRRRYYY LOUD!
Where is my blankie?
Or my binkie?
Or my baba?
Where is my blankie?
Or my binkie?
Or my baba?
Where is my BABA?
Where is my BABA?
Where is my BA-BA-BAAA?
Oh no my tummy
It hurts when I throw up...

So, yeah... You can thank Daddy Dearest for not only giving up the computer, but babysitting for the last couple of hours so that I had time to entertain your selfish asses!! And just in case the thought crossed your mind to critisize... his poker check came today and all I can say is "SHUT THE FUCK UP! HE MAKES MORE ON THIS COMPUTER THAN I MAKE IN TWO MONTHS OF WORK SO HE CAN HAVE IT ALL HE WANTS!!" Besides, if you checked your site meters you know I've been here, I just haven't been in the state of mind to think of something creative!

So now I've taken time to satisfy your blogland needs (leave the money on the dresser!) if you don't mind I'm going to go satisfy myself (selfish bastards didn't even offer me a kiss!) But honetly, I have a patriotic manicure that has been in the making (one layer at a time) for the past five hours (just enough time for one coat to dry between Ell's screaming fits). So if you don't mind, I'm going to go paint the stars on my right hand and consider painting my toe nails with pretty spring flowers.

So put your damn clothes back on and lock the door on the way out!!

...................................................................................
FOR SALE: Bottled baby puke and dirty diapers. No questions asked. All sales final. Product may vary.

White Women CAN Jump

2007-06-21T19:10:00.000-06:00

So here I was outside minding my own business. We had just got back from town and the front door was still propped open. When I turn to go inside, THIS is what I saw trying to enter my house!! 13 inches of this!!!

Needless to say my daughter has quite a set of lungs and we found out today that she inheritted them from me. SCREAM? Yes I did. Like a GIRL!!

"DADDY!! COME QUICK!! NOW!!! IT'S GETTING IN THE HOUSE!!!"

All the while I was standing on top of the bench on our front step. Exactly where this creature sought to hide after being chased from the house!

OH YES!! I CAN JUMP!!

I cleared the flowers and landed several feet into the yard!!

This Might Be TMI but . . .

2007-06-18T17:14:00.000-06:00

Happy Father's Day

2007-06-17T19:34:00.000-06:00

Just thought I'd let you know there are a couple new pics up on Ellie's site. Make sure you scroll down to check out how she fell asleep the other night. Seriously, she screamed if I tried to move out of that position. I finally convinced her I could lean her against my legs, but she wouldn't let me move my hands from under her arms. YES!! SHE'S SPOILED!! But seriously, who wants to listen to her scream when all she wants is to be held?

Hope you enjoy. If you're Dad deserves it I hope you called (or at least sent a card)... if you're Dad's a JACKASS, I hope you got the chance to flip him off (or at least curse his name under your breath).

Have a great one!

Freaky Friday!

2007-06-15T17:00:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm home on out of school suspension for lude acts in the school boiler room.
(Funny, Coach didn't think they were lude when it was just the two of us down there last week!)

For the most part, I'm enjoying a break from the boring routines of the public education system. (Plus, I don't have to sneak off to the bathroom for my afternoon cocktail.)

Today we had to take the beautifully deceptive screaming demon in for her Well Baby Check-Up. Turns out that I did NOT give birth to a "Spawn of Satan," I just have a little girl with a sore mouth. (maybe it's just a ploy to keep me from selling her on Ebay because the thought definately crossed my mind).

So today little Ellie got her first medicine. She gets 1 drop of Tylenol every four hours and 2 mL of goop in her cheeks 4 times a day for the next week. I figured she was going to be a real pill about taking medicine, but it turns out she's an instant drug addict. I put her drop of Tylenol on her tongue thinking it would come right out, but instead her eyes lit up, she smacked her lips and licked the tiny bit that was on her bottom lip. Okay, so maybe I'm jumping the gun on the whole pail-killer junkie. I'm sure it was just the grape flavoring that sparked her interest. (Then again, we're still waiting for the paternity results from the running back!)

Considering that my day started at 7:30 AM you'd think I'd have a whole lot of brilliant knowledge to share with you. Sadly, the day has just drug along like a pimple on a snail's butt.

There were a few key highlights like my incredible brain-fart at Wal-Mart. Here I am counting carefully as we shop to make sure we don't go over what I have in my purse because Daddy Dearest left his checkbook at home. I've got it figured to a tee. I rounded everything up and was right on track. WRONG!! Clearly I have lost the brain cells that have to pay taxes (they are probably sitting in some Federal Prison for tax evasion) and I obviously forgot that you have to pay for those three Father's Day cards you have in your hand (but they're just PAPER!!) So thank goodness for Daddy Dearest and the $5 that went on his VISA card!!

Heading home we are stopped next to a little school bus (or as they prefer to be called "length-challenged educational trasportation vehicle"). On the front end of this bus is a bar-like apparatus that looks as if it is designed to break your kneecaps upon impact. The bar is hinged to open straight out in front of the bus.
--I turn to Daddy Dearest and ask, "What is that? A plow you over at the knees bar?"
--He responds with a perfectly straight face, "Haven't you seen those before? They swing out like so *swings his arm* and apparently they are designed so that when a car hits it, the car is stopped or transported to another dimension!"
Come to find out it's actually a crossing guard to prevent kids from walking too close to the front end of the bus, but I still like the idea of transporting drivers to another dimension which Daddy Dearest says must be like hell since everyone there damn near plowed into a school bus.

Speaking of highlights, here's one for you:

Dear Miss Twenty-Something Pharmacist at Wal-Mart:
Just because I'm shopping in Wal-Mart does not mean I am some white-trash wellfare case of a Mommie. (Okay, so I'm white and I get some State assistance, but you're just jealous!) Anyway, I'm not stupid that's for sure. So clearly if I thought my child was ill I would take her to the doctor before I asked some Medical School drop-out what I needed to do (Thus the reason I said "The DOCTOR recommended an OTC treatment!") I have a presciption for the yeast in her mouth and if you would actually speak to me rather than using the cashier as a "go-between" you would know that! And while I'm at it, I've been lucky enough to have never had to deal with ickiness down below, but even I know (with my inferior intellegence) that my daughter does NOT have Athlete's Foot on her bottom! Now I know why I get my presciptions filled by a REAL pharmacist on the other side of town!! Please contact the cheap online degree program that educated you in common medicines and tell them you need a refresher course.

And to top the day of, I went in this afternoon and had a tire patched up. I learned that getting a patch costs 1/4th of what my tires cost. Seems like a lot to me, but hey who wants to spend $48 when $12 will do the trick! Anyway, not the point. The point was, I swung by to see if they could squeeze my tire in after I ran to the bank. Sure enough that wouldn't be a problem. They aired me up and I ran off to fetch some cash since I had previously gone over-budget at Wal-Mart (damn taxes anyway!). I get back, hoo haw, boring, jack it up... yippy there's a locking nut, good thing the socket was in the trunk... seriously, who's going to STEAL my tire? Anyway, everything goes fine, it was just a nail, he found it quick... bing bang we're out of there quicker than a quarterback leaving a boiler room! So why am I boring you with this story? Well because, I go to pay the man $12.88 with tax.

Mechanic: Would you like a reciept?
Me: No, don't worry about it. (I don't think there's a guarantee on patching a tire)
Mechanic: Well, if we're going to skip the paper work, how about we just skip Uncle Sam too. That'll be $12 even.

Now see, this is why I live in small towns. Granted, the man might someday end up sharing a cell with the part of my brain that was shopping in Wal-Mart today, but the guy won my business in the future.
Even though it was only 88 cents.
Even though he might not do the same thing next time.
Even though the government would probably give him a life sentence an $10,000 in fines for that 88 cents.
It's not about the 88 cents, or saving a buck three months from now.
It's about knowing the value of a customer and not nickling and diming everyone to death.
It's about just being generous sometimes.
It's about a round of drinks on the house and a Christmas bonus for your employees.
It's about a hand shake and an honest living.
It's about sitting down for dinner at the end of the day.
It's about family, neighbors, and community.
It's about holding your head up and loving your life.
It's about all the things that used to be right about this country before big business and climbing the corporate ladder became a priority.
It's about $12 to feed his family and 88 cents that will light up my daughter's eyes when it's in her piggy bank, but it's really about the values of people today.

That being said, I think it's about time for me to catch a quick nap. Seems the Coach isn't the only one with a few tricks up his sleeve. Turns out that he had no idea his star quarterback can't add two plus two! I reacon he'll be needing some of my "special" tutoring if he's going to be eligible to play in next week's big game. And since the Math teacher happens to be a good "friend" of mine, I don't see how anyone else will be able to do the job as well as I can. I have no doubt that I'll get a full pardon from the Principal come Monday morning.

Some parent's are driving around with
"My child is an Honor Student"
bumper stickers.
Other's are proud to announce,
"My kid might not be an Honor Student but he can kick your kid's ass."

As for my mother? She got herself a bumber sticker that says,
"My daughter might not be the Head Cheerleader, but she still screwed the whole team!"

Since when is being a slut considered a crime in this family?
(Or for that matter... drunk, junkie, head-case, loser, bum, asshole... the list goes on and on.)

Damn, I'm EXHAUSTED!!

2007-06-12T13:53:00.001-06:00

Sorry I've been slacking so much on this blog lately.

It's just that satisfying the whole damn football team is very demanding when you have a newborn at home. On top of all that, there's a long list of paternity tests to run to find out which of those uniformed "hunks" is Ellie's daddy. I'm hoping it's that hunky linebacker with the deep blue eyes, but as long as it's not the same one that knocked up Chris, I'll be okay.

So, I'm only one girl and the blog kinda gets put on the back burner because I just can't do everyone... I mean EVERYTHING!

When I'm not auditioning to be the next Playboy Bunny, I'm trying to keep this apartment (and the people who live in it) somewhat sane (I use that term lightly). Unfortunately, since I was certain my latest photo-shoot was going to pay off, I kinda let things slack off around here. Now I have kitchen kooties running rampid in my house. There will be some definate extermination going on soon.

I was finally able to convince one of the football players that Ellie was his daughter, so last night he watched her & cleaned up some of the trash around this place. I figure if I convince a different one of his teammates every week, I'll have free housekeeping through the summer.

Anyway, Chris seems to be down in the dumps lately (still waiting on her VD test results after she heard about her post-game celebration in the boys locker room) so I thought I'd pay one of the underclassmen to write "Chris didn't do it" on the football field in diesel fuel. That oughta cheer her up.

Other than that, there's really nothing new around here.

OH! Yes there is! I've officially renounced my religious beliefs. What tragic event would make me do such a horrible thing? I watched Comedy Central the other night!!

WARNING! The following material may be offensive to those with strong religious beliefs and frankly I don't care because I'm warning you in advanced. If you keep reading past this point, you revoke all right to be pissed off about anything you read. If you do choose to complain, I will only point and laugh at you like I do my own family when they start ranting about something ridiculously stupid.

Those who know me well are aware that I have no problem with your invisible man in the sky. I have no problem if you go out every third Tuesday and worship UFO's. I don't care if you dance naked around an old oak tree during the full moon. I'm okay if you get you religious teachings from the wise words of Mother Goose. I'm perfectly content with my spiritual beliefs and so long as your beliefs let you sleep well at night, I'm perfectly content with yours as well (unless you bring your beliefs over to my house and let them shit on my front lawn. In which case I'm likely to kick you and your beliefs so hard the Pope will feel it).

That being said, Comedy Central has changed it all for me!

There I was sitting on my couch contemplating how Mary Poppins is the Anti-Christ when comedian Dane Cook starts talking about his encounter with an atheist. It was this little skit that totally took all of the enjoyment out of the theory of reincarnation. Just my luck, things would happen exactly as Dane describes. I'd come back as a beautiful tree in a peaceful forest. There I'd be happily enjoying my breezy treeness when some ugly, sweaty jackass would stroll up to me with a frigging axe. He'd chop me down, drag me off through the mud, take me to the mill where they'd cut me up to make paper. There is no frigging way I'm spending my next life as the HOLY BIBLE!! Just dig a whole and feed me to the worms please!!

And now, just to test the true loyalties of my visitors, I'm going to post a picture I took a while back. Yes, it is a real book. It is really in my house. And no, I am not in the least bit offended by the fact that this book is in my house (However, you might be!)

. . . .

I warned you!

. . . .

I completely understand at this point if you feel the need to never visit my site again. In fact, if the thought crossed your mind, I highly suggest that you follow those instincts because you are obviously way too uptight for me to handle. So GET OUT!!

And if you are the type that feels a desperate need to pray for my immortal (and obviously misguided) soul... please save it for someone who wants your saving. I personally believe that all the people I like will end up "down under" and frankly, I'd be miserable in a place where everyone was happy and make-me-want-to-puke cheerful!

As for the rest of you... did you notice that every third letter spells out "LIE"? Hmmm... very interesting! But like I said, you could take your "teachings" from Mother Goose's Nursery Rhymes for all I care. So long as we can agree to disagree... we can be friends.

That says a heck of a lot considering I'm not even "friends" with half of my relatives.

You must be special!

Gotta go now! I hear the boys are a little down in the dumps over their last game, so I'm sneaking out of study hall to have some fun in the janitor's closet. If you see him headed back there, do me a favor and tell him the toilet in the girl's bathroom is overflowing. That should buy me enough time. Thanks a bunch!

Bored?

2007-06-08T01:48:00.000-06:00

Read my FRONT DESK ----------->
Leave me a comment to tell me how far you actually got.
I'm curious to see how BORED you really are!!

I'll give you extra BOREDOM points if you not only read the whole thing, but take the time to actually click all of the random links (some of them really are worth a click).

Enjoy!!

2007-06-03T21:23:00.000-06:00

Welcome Home Grandma & Grandpa!!

Hope you had a great time up by the Great Lakes!! Let us know when you make it home. We love you bunches & tons!!

Baby Ellie, Mommie Kori & Daddy Dearest

The Cost of Birth (2007)

2007-06-03T20:43:00.000-06:00

Just thought these figures would floor some people (like my Mom)

This is the cost of our pregnancy. Thankfully, insurance will cover it all so Mommie & Daddy don't have to live in the "poor house".

$ 40.00 - Pregnancy Test
$ 70.00 - Hormone Level Test
$ 170.00 - Ultrasound 1
$ 170.00 - Ultrasound 2
$ 102.00 -Consultation/Family History
$ 130.00 - Prenatal Visit
$ 220.00 - Ultrasound 3
$ 200.00 - Ultrasound 4 (sex/health)
$ 64.00 - Glucose Testing
$ 68.95 - Labwork
$ 50.00 - Prenatal Visit
$ 252.00 - Ultrasound 5
$ 2500.00 - Delivery (Doctor)
$ 62.18 - Post-delivery Medication
$10843.48 - Hospital Bill
--------------------------------------
GRAND TOTAL: $14,942.61

Not counting Ellie's $2000 hospital bill or the follow-up exams!

Maybe they should print this out and give it to all high school students as a form of BIRTH CONTROL!!

Quick Facts About Ellie's Birthday

2007-06-01T19:58:00.000-06:00

May 9, 1960 - The FDA approves the world's first commercially produced birth-control pill, Envoid-10.

May 9, 1914 - President Woodrow Wilson issues a presidential proclamation that officially establishes the first National Mother's Day holiday to celebrate America's mothers.

These are my two favorite facts about our daughter's birthday... one is just IRONIC... the other is just COOL!!

In My Email

2007-05-29T16:33:00.000-06:00

My friend, Samantha, emailed this to me today. I think it is so true and wanted to share it with everyone. Hope you enjoy!

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she ever wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
that her childhood may not have been perfect. but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...

MAYA ANGELOU

no time

2007-05-27T22:08:00.000-06:00

crying baby
one-handed typing
but thought I'd let you know...
added tons of photos to the other site
don't have too much fun on Memorial Day!!

gotta run

Chronicles of a Dysfunctional Family

2007-05-26T20:14:00.000-06:00

Appropriately titled "As the Family Burns" by my mother, the drama that has become my family is getting ridiculously out of hand. If you find yourself confused by the comings and goings of this highly dysfunctional group, feel free to stop by here for the latest updates.

February 14 - Let's Play Ball (Me): After a great amount of forethought, I have decided that I’m tired of the games that people are playing. I always tell people to avoid the excess drama in their lives unless they can find a way to be entertained by the drama. I’ve finally decided to take my own advice...

February 27 - This Is a Fun Game (Me): Wanna know what the weather is like where I am? Check out The Weather Channel...

March 1 - See If This Blunt Enough For You (Me): Here's a little story I wrote! See if you can fill in the blanks...

March 7 - Here's Why I'm Mad (Me): There's only two reasons that you might have ended up on this site reading the words I have typed. Either you are a random net surfer who stumbled on her in the hopes that I could provide you with cheap entertainment. In which case, I must appologize...

March 13 - Just a Response Letter (Me): This is my delayed explanation for my recent irritation with my family... Let's recap what has happened since Christmas...

March 23 - Who I Am (Mom): There seems to be some confusion about who I am. Or maybe it is why I am like I am. Let me try and clear it up for you...

March 27 - Who's Gonna Burn In Hell (Mom): Recently, my daughter had to listen to yet another criticism of her Mother. AT THE FAMILY CHRISTMAS no less. Did I tell you I come from a classy bunch? Anyway, this particular bitch of the day was that I put all my heirlooms in a box in the basement...

March 28 - Conversation (Mom): If you follow my blog you know that myself (the unfit Mother of 27 years) and my poor, mistreated, under cared for, unloved daughter have some rather long conversations on the phone. To the point that even her Dad gives me the fish eye sometimes...

April 7 - Who Eats Rabbit for Easter? (Me): If you're looking for my usual happy-go-fartsy laugh-your-ass-off post, you're out of luck! This post is a sarcastic, insult-filled, irritated bitchfest about my family (interrupted by an occasional moment of comic relief)...
My Unfamily Easter (Mom): The Hagatha saga continues. Here we are on the eve of Easter. I was just informed that Haggie's gang is having their Easter together at the D side of the family. I am not invited. What a shock that is...

April 11 - Hag Games (Mom): So, You thought I was bluffing. I was not. No funny blog here today. I'm on funny blog strike. YOU MUST HEAR A HAGATHA BLOG TODAY...
More Hag Stuff (Mom): Nope still no funny. More Hag stuff:HAG DOES NOTHING WITHOUT A REASON. The reason for the casino trip...

April 12 - Special Offer (Me): Is your family getting too big to handle? Are you tired of those happy family gatherings? Wish you could get some peace and quiet without your relatives calling to see how you are? Can't afford to buy Christmas gifts? Have I got the solution for you!...
Hag and Hubby (Mom): Man, not only does the truth hurt, but in this case, I think it drove up their asses and dumped an entire semi load of WHAT THE FUCK, in there...

April 13 - It's About??? (Mom): Today's blog will be about: My wonderful childhood memories. No wait...

April 16 - Hagatha's Revenge (Mom): MY DAD. OF HIS OWN DOING, NOTHING TO DO WITH HAGATHA, SHE FOUGHT HIM ON IT. LOADED UP EVERYTHING CLETUS OR I HAD EVER GIVEN THEM AND DUMPED IT AT MY HOUSE TODAY...

April 17 - You Bet I Had Time To Rest (Mom): Post op instructions. Take it easy. You are to stay quiet. You need to rest. YEP GOT IT.SO YOU GET THIS FOLKS:ASSHOLE INC. UNLOADED A PICKUP LOAD OF STUFF @ MY HOUSE ½ HOUR BEFORE I HAD THIS WORK DONE...
Going Out of Family SALE (Mom): SALE BILL POSTED ALL OVER CALLAWAY:DUE TO THE FACT THAT WE WILL BE RETIRING FROM THE H(the name is spelled out) FAMILY. WE WILL BE HAVING A "GOING OUT OF FAMILY" SALE NEAR WELLFLEET...

April 18 - CODE BLACK! (Me): In light of recent events it has come to my attention that some people in my family need a serious attitude adjustment! Since there are laws about beating up 70-year-old elderly individuals, my options at this point seem rather limited. However, being the resourceful young woman that I am, I have come up with several options that might get my point across without earning me a mug shot and orange jumpsuit!...
Goodbye to a Dear Friend (Mom): On April 16th, 2006 JUDY lost her long and courageous fight with Cancer of the Family. Right to the end she fought to beat this deadly disease...

April 19 - Your Help Needed (Mom): OK FOLKS. THIS IS THE FAMOUS LETTER. HIGHLIGHTED IN BLUE IS THE ONLY THING THE PARENTS GOT OUT OF THE ENTIRE LETTER. NO WHERE IN THIS LETTER DO I SUGGEST THEY STOP DOING WHAT THEY DO...

April 26 - As the Family Burns (Mom): OK, I'm sorry, I just can't be serious about this anymore. This Sad Saga Drama Series has now moved to a full fledged comedy...

May 5 - Drunk Again (Mom): WARNING: I HAVE BEEN DRINKING. I PROMISED TO DRINK FOR ELLIE'S MOMMIE, CHRIS AND FLYGIRL...

May 24 - Bulldog is Out! (Mom): AS MY DEAR FRIEND SAID, IF THEY PISS YOU OFF ENOUGH TO BRING OUT BULLDOG, THEY DESERVE WHAT THEY GET...

Somebody

2007-05-26T15:49:00.000-06:00

Somebody had a natural birth without an epidural.
That somebody was never bed ridden and attached to monitors through 14 hours of contractions accompanied by coughing fits and vomiting!

Somebody complained about the bulky diapers the hospital provides you after birth.
That somebody never had a continuous cough to accompany their weakened bladder muscles.

Somebody made a law that says you can't call in a narcotic prescription.
That somebody never had to wait 20 minutes for their pain-killers after being released from Labor and Delivery.

Somebody decided all car seats should be rear-facing for the first year.
That somebody never rode in the back seat for a month because they couldn't see if their baby was okay.

Somebody will tell you that breastfeeding should NOT hurt.
That somebody never had an infant use them as a pacifier.

Somebody will tell you that a tattoo hurts.
That somebody never had a baby gnaw on their nipple.

Frequently Asked Questions

2007-05-25T23:58:00.000-06:00

If you actually read my IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS you will see that I'm looking to add a new section to my page. Of course, in order to do this,
I need YOU!!

So here's your chance to ask me anything that happens to be on your mind.

Wanna know how many times I shoot milk in my daughter's eye each day? Curious to know how many dirty diapers are sitting next to her changing area? Want to know how long it's been since I had a bath?

Ask away!!

How many hours of sleep did I get? What is on the front of my fridge? How many beer caps are stuck in my ceiling?

This is a no holds barred questioning session.

Of course, I do get to use my discretion in answering questions that may give too much information or potentially incriminate me. I can promise you 100% honesty, unless of course the sheer nature of the question calls for 100% sarcasm.

No matter what, it should definately be interesting.

So start asking!

Your Reward?
Obviously, the answer to your question. Hopefully, a good supply of humor. And on top of it all, I'll include you in the new blogroll (coming in the next day or so) just for taking time out of your busy day to comment.

So what are you waiting for?
ASK ME SOMETHING!!

A Toast!

2007-05-25T13:55:00.000-06:00

This is a toast to my regular visitors!!

Old Woman In a Shoe - Of course my Mother has to be first on the list. What kind of daughter would I be if I didn't give my Mom props for 1) learning the internet, 2) maintaining a blog, 3) being able to decorate her own blog site and 4) being the BEST MOM in the world!!
Mole - Even though she's busy being a member of the "real world" trying to overcome her tragic heritage as a REDNECK, she's still my favorite cousin and I have to give her tons of points for being totally AWESOME!!
Chris - I must commend Chris for the simple fact that she VOLUNTARILY joined our happy little disfunctional family and seems to be thriving in an otherwise hostile environment. Plus, she's just generally cool and funny!
Sunshine - The lovely Prom hostess comes by regularly to be disappointed by my total lack of time to post these days. Thank you for continuing to check in. I promise, things will get back to their normal chaotic routine soon!
TJ - Stumbled on here when I posted about a mailing scam and just kinda stuck around. Glad you keep returning now and then.
Autumn's Mom - Not a repeat visitor, but I commend anyone who takes the time to comment on my posts.
Tink - What can I say? I love reading the tales of Tink, but I've been so busy these days. Still, Tink stops by occasionally to see how things are around here. Thanks!
Mighty Dyckerson - It's the big Dyck! Aside from his vomit-inspiring infatuation with my cousin, Mole, his sick sense of humor makes me chuckle from time to time.
Corky - Fellow first time parent and aspiring WORLD DICTATOR!!

And a few unidentifiable individuals (leave me a comment so I know who you are!!!):

Maxonline (StarHub Cable Vision) - My most frequent anonymous "stalker"
Union County College (Cranford, NJ) - Good to know I'm spreading my wisdom to higher education.
Lincoln, NE (State of Nebraska, Department of Communications) - Your communication skills suck! Introduce yourself!!

Other unknown visitors from:

Arlington, TX
Clayton, NC
Cheyenne, WY
and Various unknown locations.

Can't Get Enough of the Pictures?

2007-05-20T01:42:00.000-06:00

Okay, finally found a use for that other blog site of mine.

From now on, I'll post all the new baby pics

(okay, so not all of them because, well, I'm a camera addict!)

on the other site.

There's absolutely no words

(except titles)

It's just silence and pictures!

http://elliesmommie.blogspot.com/

Hope you enjoy!!

One More Reason to Love Daddy Dearest!

2007-05-19T20:32:00.000-06:00

Daddy went to get the mail yesterday.
He returns holding an opened bright pink envelope.

Daddy Dearest: "Are you in a good mood?"
Me: "Why?"
*hands me the card*
Me: "Aww shit!" *grumbles*

Envelope contains a baby shaped card stating:

"I know

your new baby girl

is going to do

some great things.

Heck, she's already

done one-

picked you two

as parents!

Congratulations!"

Scraggly left-handed writing reads:

"Congratulations,

Love ya much

Grandma & Grandpa (over)"

On the back:

"A package will follow after we go shopping. Will have the dresses I told you about & some other things I hope you can use. Would love to hear from you when you're ready.

Love,

Me"

Daddy Dearest's response...

"Should we drive by their house and drop it off on their front porch?"

God I love this man!!

Our First Night Without Daddy

2007-05-17T21:38:00.000-06:00

WARNING: If you are offended by poop, urine, breasts, breastmilk, or babies you should skip this post!!

You know those boxes that they use when they're working with hazerdous materials? The ones that are completely enclosed with a little window and you reach inside with these heavy duty rubber gloves. If you happen to see one on a garage sale, please purchase it for me. I will gladly pay the shipping and handling to have it delivered to my apartment.

Why would I need such a drastic device?

Because I have recently given birth to a projectile pooping, geyser spraying, wiggling demon child!

That's right! My beautiful angel who looks as if she can do no wrong, is hiding her true demon heritage beneath that precious face.

Daddy left us to go back to work tonight. We sat down and had a nice meal before my little angel quietly fell asleep in my arms. About seven o'clock, she quietly awoke and whimpered to me that she was again hungry.

Prior to having a meal, I decided to change her diaper. I picked up her little feet and proceded to wipe her messy bottom with a wet wipe. Instantaneously, a stream of stinky projectile poop shot out and sprayed the diaper, the quilt, the towel that is soaking up my leaking problem, and my windpants. I quickly covered the offending area with the already dirty diaper and tried my best to wipe up the poop which had traveled about 18 inches before it was blocked by my body. No doubt, she had potential for a good 3-4 feet on that one!

Several spurts and much wiping later, I concluded that my little "Exorcist" was finally finished. I uncovered the area to assess the damage. While leaning over to reach a wet wipe, a 12-inch geyser of urine sprayed up covering both my arms, my hands, her body, her diaper, the quilt I was changing her on and the floor before I was able to slap the front of the diaper back down.

At this point, we (and everything in a 2 foot radius) are covered in either poop or urine. Having fully emptied all of her internal organs, my devil-spawn procedes to scream because she is hungry. It suddenly dawned on her that Mommie is taking way too long to change this diaper (can't imagine why?).

So here I am standing over a screaming, piss-covered child (who still has a dirty diaper). There is shit and piss on my floor. I'm drenched in urine, covered in poop, and my boobs are leaking all over me. I've got a wet wipe in one hand, and a poop covered towel in the other.

I dried off my hands, moved the baby, cleaned her up and slapped on a new diaper. I then placed the screaming child on the couch with her pacifier and informed her there was no way I was feeding her while I was still covered in shit and urine. I quickly dabbed laundry soap on the quilt while simutaneously spraying carpet cleaner on the floor. We then used a wet wipe to clean 1) a naked Mommie who has stripped off her nasty clothing 2) the pooped on quilt and 3) the urine covered carpeting. A quick trip to wash off my hands and milk covered chest!

With a sigh, I returned to a pissed off child (not crying, but fists clinched in rage) and satisfied her hunger demands before she convinced herself she would starve to death.

At that point, I realized a few things:

My child is NOT an angel
I still LOVE her
I CAN do this! (How much worse can it get? Please don't tell me) AND
I can't wait for DADDY to get home!

Oh, and we definately need to get one of those Hazerdous Materials boxes to change our daughter in.

*```~...~```~...~```~...~```~...~```~...~```~...~```*

On the BONUS side of things:

My neighbor brought me over a gift today. A scale (which Daddy had told her I wanted), some body wash, a travel kit of baby stuff, and a baby manicure set.

What did the scale say?

138!!

(down 29 pounds!)

That's only 9 pounds over my lowest weight!!

I'm stoked!!

This Is Just Heartbreaking!

2007-05-17T20:22:00.000-06:00

Yes! I'm guilty! I've laughed at the expense of others. I've made the comment that if I knew there was a hurricane coming, I'd have started walking to higher ground. I've wondered why it was so shocking that a city BELOW sea level got flooded. I've made comments about people who build their homes on fault lines, people who build their houses on the sides of cliffs, and people who build their houses where brush fires happen every year.

I clearly remember the children's song stating "the wise man built his house upon a rock!" It seems like a simple case of common sense because "the house on the sand washed away!" Well DUH!!! The thing is that no matter where you live in the world, you're going to have to "choose your poison" when it comes to natural disasters.

So, yes! I've laughed at the comedian who joked about tornadoes hitting trailer parks. I've giggled at the "rednecks" that seem to appear on television following a tornado. I have joked about how my dippy father is going to end up in Kansas one day because he refuses to go to the basement when the storms get bad.

But all the joking aside. There is absolutely nothing funny about THIS! The devestation at Greensburg, Kansas is unimaginable. 95% of the town of 1500 was wiped out! I'd seen the pictures on the news, but nothing hits you like the aerial photos. Total devestation in a matter of minutes!

A Break From the Pictures!

2007-05-17T11:45:00.000-06:00

Are you all tired of the pictures? Sick of seeing all this cutesy wootsey baby stuff?

Good! ME TOO! So I got online today & decided to check out what my lovely daughter had been up to. Here's what I found when I searched "Ellie goes":

Ellie goes potty- why yes she does! Very often she goes potty on her Daddy while he's trying to change her diaper.
Ellie goes to visit her, but she's been transferred to a psychiatric institution - I wish they'd let me know when Grandma Bulldog gets herself locked up. That's a long way to travel only to find out Granny's gone whacko again.
Ellie goes over and peers around the corner in time to see Scary Clown - Yes, Mommie already has instilled the fear of clowns in Baby Ellie. We can't have Daddy convincing her that a clown costume would be fun for Halloween!
Ellie goes downstairs to eat chocolate breakfast - Is there something wrong with chocolate for breakfast? I think Grandpa's chocolate frosted cake makes a good breakfast!
Ellie goes to his jacket and yanks out his stash - No, that's Mommie's stash!
Ellie goes to the moon AND Ellie goes on a travel to the stars - Yes honey, you can be an astronaut when you grow up (if you don't mind your Mother chaining you in the basement the first time you mention space-travel!)
Ellie goes for the cereal and then charges the camera - Yes, I too keep my camera near my cereal for those impromptu time when my breakfast involves a "Kodak moment"!
Ellie goes "a little mental" - Well, that's likely to happen. Look at her parents.
Ellie goes to therapy - We're already raising funds for her therapist bills.
Ellie goes on a shotgun wielding vendetta - I knew she'd make me proud someday!
Ellie goes off to get mad at someone else - Much to the relief of her parents.
Ellie goes on her joyride - Was it in a golf-cart?
Ellie goes ballistic - If Daddy changes the diaper when she wanted a boob!!
Ellie goes through the wormhole and sees the universe around her - Yeah, we'll definately have to have a talk about her ACID problem! That was just too "Alice In Wonderland" for me.
Ellie goes to an escourt agency - Could be worse. She could marry the guy!
Ellie goes bush bashing in her bare feet - Watch out for those thorny bushes!!
Ellie goes into the machine; the door seals her inside - We're designing the plans now, but the general purpose will be to isolate her from BOYS until she's 30-ish!!
Ellie goes off after the aliens, and then she plays Marco Polo - Do aliens know how to play Marco Polo? Sounds like a lot of fun!!
Ellie goes to a rendezvous in a burnt out reasearch facility - Sorry baby, you weren't a test tube baby. We really are your parents!
Ellie goes mad at our reflection in the kitchen window at night - It's the vampire blood in her. Everyone knows that my family fears sunlight and lives in dusty tombs. She was bound to inherit some ill effect from us.
Ellie goes crazy
Ellie goes under the house and eats the rest - This is most disturbing to me. All I can think of is some B-rated Zombi flick! rrrraaaaawwwwwrrrrrr!!! But maybe she just likes to nibble on her PB&J under the house.
Ellie goes to the back door and jumps in circles - Then her head spins around and she spits pea-soup on Daddy before he can put the diaper on her butt!
Ellie goes into shock and remains in a semi-catatonic state for several days - Must have stumbled onto Grandma Bulldog's blog site!
Ellie goes crazy - It was bound to happen. We're not shocked! Insanity has never been a crime in this family!!

And that was my cheap entertainment for the day!! Hope you enjoyed!!

*``~....~```~....~```~....~```~....~```*

On another note:

If I am ever sentenced to jail for anything, I'm going to insist on special needs housing (reserved for politicians, celebrities, etc) because I consider myself a blog celebrity (and I clearly have "special" needs). I am also going to demand that I get some of my days knocked off for good behavior (you know, like showing up for court!)

Also, many thanks to the parents of the poker player on TV right now. His last name is WEINER and I simply could not contain my laughter if you had blessed him with the first name of Harry, Shorty or Curly!!

Beautiful Day!

2007-05-15T17:53:00.000-06:00

Our little Sunshine slowly waking up in the sunshine.

May 14th, 2007

A Week In Pictures

2007-05-15T17:18:00.000-06:00

Tuesday, May 8th, 2007 - 11:00 pm

Last Hour of Pregnancy!

Packing up those last minute things before we headed to the Hospital for our induction.

---~*~---

Wednesday, May 9th, 2007 - 8:30 pm

Happy Birthday Ellie!

Ellie's very first picture. Daddy finally got to hold her after they got her all cleaned up and checked out.

---~*~---

Thursday, May 10th, 2007

Our First Full Day!

I just can't believe how tiny she looks when her Daddy holds her. It fascinates me.

---~*~---

Friday, May 11th, 2007

Our First Car Ride

We finally made it home!! The denim quilt is Mommie's latest sewing accomplishment. I'm taking a long break from sewing after cutting out and sewing all those 2-inch denim squares. Super thanks to Grandma Juice for finishing the last two seams and adding a backing for Mommie.

---~*~---

Saturday, May 12th, 2007

Our First Day at Home

One tiny (sleepy) baby girl laying on one BIG bed! We kept it a secret that Grandma & Grandpa left early. The three of us enjoyed a day relaxing as a family without having to entertain anyone else.

---~*~---

Sunday, May 13th, 2007

Happy Mother's Day - First Trip to Town

Daddy's precious little angel loves to sleep (so does her Mommie).

---~*~---

Monday, May 14th, 2007

Our First Day Outside.

Mommie & Ellie sat on the front step while Daddy planted more flowers around the apartment. Later, we all went for a walk down to the end of the street and back. Baby Ellie really enjoyed the outside, but Mommie kind of overdid it a little.

---~*~---

My Two Favorite Pics

2007-05-14T23:59:00.000-06:00

These are my favorite pics from the hospital. Each taken in one of the rare moments when we weren't sleeping or entertaining guests.

Home At Last!

2007-05-11T21:01:00.000-06:00

Elocin Nicole

has arrived!!

May 9th, 2007

8:24 pm

7 pounds 1 ounce

20 inches long

Daddy Dearest and I arrived at Labor & Delivery around midnight. After going through the necessary paper work and consent forms, we recieved the drugs to induce around 1 am on Wednesday morning.

By 2 am, the contractions were consistantly 2-3 minutes apart until about 5 am. Around 6 in the morning, we were still very high and had made very little progress. We began doses of Pitocin to further encourage progression. From then until about 1:30pm, contractions continued to get very strong, but were not consistant. At 1:30 pm we were still showing little progress and Doc decided if things did not change in the next hour or so, we would have to go home and try again next week!!

Fortunately, our little girl fully intended to arrive that day. At 2:23 pm my water broken on its own. After the initial shock wore off, I was relieved to know she was going to be here soon.

The contractions immediately began to progress rapidly. Very soon they were four or five occuring back to back with about a minute worth of rest between clusters. I had been confined to the bed throughout the whole process and had to have oxygen administered twice due to Ellie's heartrate.

By 3:30 the contractions were nearly unbearable and unrelenting. At 4:00, Daddy Dearest had to call in the nurse to remove the blood pressure cuff that was hurting me. I was busy having coughing fits, vomitting and fighting contractions all at the same time and I simply could not handle the pressure on my arm.

The nurse asked what we were considering for pain, and Daddy told her we were seeing how we could do without it, but were open to an epidural. She asked if I was ready for one. (she could have offered a bullet to the head and I'd have agreed!)

Getting the epidural was very odd. I can remember screaming, and I couldn't hear the doctor trying to talk to me. I said, "I can't hear you!" and then suddenly realized I couldn't hear because I was screaming. I calmed down & all was smooth from there out. The epidural didn't hurt, it was a painful (elbow bumping) sort of tickle.

Soon afterwards, I discovered that the anestesiologist is my new favorite person! It was smooth sailing from there on out.

By 5:50 pm we were at 4 centimeters. By 6:45 pm we were at 7 centimeters and Daddy started picking up the room and stepped out for a quick smoke. By the time he got back, I said, "It's starting to feel really strange." Daddy picked up the rest of the stuff and the nurse came in at 7:30 to find me fully dialated.

It took 53 minutes of pushing for Ellie to make her way into this world.

Mommie and Ellie are both home now and doing very well.

Thanks to all who wished us the best.

An extra special Thank You to the T Family who dropped off a gift for Mommie & Daddy:

Two chocolate bars, two cocktail glasses, a bottle of OJ, a pink flask of Vodka, Tylenol & TUMS!

Attention McDonald's Employee

2007-05-08T15:23:00.000-06:00

This is just to let you know I think you are fucking stupid (explains your employment status).

Any grade school drop out should be able to place a rectancle of fish on a circle bun and place a smaller rectangle of cheese on that.

Explain why my fish was half off the bun and half of my cheese was melted to the box?

Obviously, McDonald's needs to require that their employees complete Second Grade!

IDIOTS!

Eviction Notice!

2007-05-07T22:59:00.000-06:00

We are happy to announce that the doctor has decided to put me out of my misery (euthenasia?)

I had yet another joyous Monday exam today. Nothing. Nada. Just a big baby who is more than comfortable in her current residence. Doc decided to schedule yet another sonogram to check our fluids. However, as I went out to schedule the sono, doc had changed her plans (obviously, my attorney finally got my paperwork filed)

There will be NO SONOGRAM. Instead, we will be going to the Hospital Tuesday at midnight to begin our induction!

So there we have it!

Baby Ellie will be making her debute on May 9th, 2007 regardless of whether she wants to or not.

This of course creates a new dilema.

My parents (and Wonder Dog) will be leaving Nebraska on Wednesday morning to make the journey to Kansas. I am currently uncertain of how many Federal laws we are violating by having the two of us in the same state. Last I knew, I was allowed to visit her in Nebraska any time I wanted (as long as I inform the proper authorities) because we have been grandfathered into the statutes do to my birth. However, I am pretty certain that our exempt status does not transfer to other states. I fear that Grandpa Cletus may have to sign some sort of waiver accepting full responsibility for any actions that occur from allowing the two of us to be together in Kansas at the same time. While having my Dad supervise us may ease the minds of Kansas authorities, civilians should be aware that my Dad has NEVER been able to control either of us. He simply shakes his head and pretends he doesn't know us. The town doesn't stand a chance! I suggest anyone in the path of our insanity stock up on alcohol and lock their doors! If you feel that we pose a serious threat, just buy a few Mike's Lemonades to keep the Bulldog at bay.

So, you will have to sulk in your own boring misery for a few days while I recover from all the joys of labor and delivery. I will definately post pics (and the crazy antics that happen in Kansas) as soon as I am home recovering (and Mom is released from the loony bin).

Wish us lots of luck and start raising bail money!

The Alphabet This Week

2007-05-05T16:51:00.000-06:00

Ankles: Oh My God!! Sitting on the bed last night I realized my ankles have turned into ham hocks! The joys of late pregnancy swelling.

Baby: As of Monday, April 30th, Baby Ellie has no intentions of evacuating her current residence. She is greatly enjoying the misery of her Mommie.

Criminal: Due to a nasty individual who decided to stab two local residents, the local school was on lock-down Wednesday and had no school Thursday. Classes of course were forced to resume on Friday due to a track meet.

Dishes: Daddy Dearest and I partnered up and washed EVERY dish in the house last night. The whole process actually involved our bath tub, because it seemed like the quickest way to soak all the ickies off at once rather than having to wait for one load to soak at a time!

Ellie: Our darling child is active as ever. Mommie being sick has not phased her karate antics in the slightest. She is definately proving to be quite a handful already.

Faucet Filter: Tragedy struck in my kitchen when my Pur water filter sprunk a leak. I am now resorting to bottled water until Monday when we can replace the part. I absolutely hate tap water!

Grandparents: I think they're lying low right now. I find it absolutely hilarious that after a skiff of snow, they thought to call and make sure I wasn't snowed in (didn't bother to call and ask Mom & Cletus) but last night a killer tornado makes NATIONAL news and I hear nothing. Either, they realize I'm really mad at them or they finally learned how to use a MAP!

Hospital: As of last night our hospital bag was officially completed. All that is left to put in there is an outfit for me, some things for Daddy Dearest. At the last minute, all Daddy Dearest should have to do is pack up the laptop, camera, cellphones and pillows.

Intellect: Trying to combat my "brain sucking parasite" I've read 2.5 books in the past 2 weeks. I still feel a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

Juice: Seems like my Mother is terrorizing her neighbors and the local law enforcement (using that term lightly). Glad she's been keeping them all in line this week.

Kansas: The town of Greensburg, Kansas was literally wiped off the map last night by a killer tornado. There are currently 9 reported deaths and over 50 hospitalizations. Our hearts go out to those who have lost homes and loved ones to this tragedy.

Laundry: Wednesday night spurred a moment of ambition for me. I officially washed every item of clothing in my house. I also stripped, washed, Feebreezed, and remade the bed.

Marigolds: Right after the Easter freeze wore off, we planted a cute little row of marigold seeds along our front step. I am happy to say that despite my BLACK thumb, these hearty little plants have finally popped their heads out of the soil. Thinking it was about time to mow, I placed a bright orange ribbon along the edge of the plot to warn our maintenence man of their existance. While the orange ribbon did not survive todays mowing, it did alert him to the presence of my tiny plants and they managed to survive his hackjob.

Neighbors: Let's introduce the nearby residence. Neighbor #1 (a.k.a. Strange Pothead). This guy seems very shy. He's hardly spoke to us since he moved in. Yet somehow he mustered up the courage to come knock on my screen door yesterday to bum a cigarette. Since I've definately been there and I truly sympathize, I did give him a smoke, but I was not exactly the most sociable about it. Seriously, you barely say hello to me, but can come ask for a smoke? ODD! Neighbor #2 (a.k.a. Crackhead I Really Like). Okay, so I think she fried a few too many braincells in her life. I also think she has some poor parenting skills. However, as a person, she's just the sweetest thing. She gives us leftovers, invites us to BBQ's, brought her phone number over in case I need any help while Daddy Dearest is at work. I can't help but like her. And finally, Neighbor #3 (a.k.a. Either Has Parking Anxiety or just wants to piss me off). Nothing irritates me more than someone who cannot park. I'm not talking complicated parallel parking which is a challenge for even me (thus I avoid it), I'm talking just whip the car into a normal spot parking! Daddy Dearest and I live on the back side of our apartment building and are the only ones on the back North side who have a vehicle. Therefore, logically, we try to park our two cars at the farthest North end of our parking lot. Since our grey car is very rarely used, we park it in one spot, leaving just enough room to park the red car to the North of it. This leaves a perfect parking spot for Neighbor #3 to have immediate access to her sidewalk. However, it seems as if every time we move our red car, Neigbor #3 insists on parking in the far North spot we created. I assume she's either parking challenged and cannot park her minivan in the 40 acres provided by her sidewalk, or she's a bitch who wants to piss off a pregnant woman. (end rant)

Overdue: We are fast approaching that "Special Day" and still no sign of progress. Here's hoping we get some good news on Monday saying this child is getting ready to make her debute. You'd think with all my "purging" and coughing fits this week, the sheer force would have pushed her down. I keep waiting to cough and pop a kid out on the floor.

Picnic: Go figure! Our Annual Class Picnic was canceled do to school being canceled that day. It has been rescheduled for next week. So either I'll be even more miserably pregnant than I am now or I'll be in the hospital for it. Just my luck!

Quiet: That's what kind of week it's been around here. No work, no news, no calls, no nothing. It was very relaxing.

Repairs: This list of items that have broken for various reasons this week include the refrigerator, the TV, the faucet filter, and the sink drain. Yes, it has been quite a week. The metal support that holds the fridge door up broke off the bottom of the fridge. The plastic casing on our small television (slightly damaged months ago) finally cracked to such an extent that the back had to be completely removed. The faucet filter sprung a leak. And to top it all off, the kitchen drain popped off flooding the kitchen floor. I believe that during the next full moon we will simply lock ourselves in our room and refuse to touch anything.

Sick: Myself, Cletus and Chris have all spent the week sick. Oh the joys of vomit, sore throats, coughing up portions of your lungs, and general miserableness.

Television: Much to my enjoyment, this week we accidentally stumbled on cable channels we did not know we had. We are now privy to HBO, Showtime and The Movie Channel. Just the basics (none of the special package channels) but it was kinda neat to have some more recent movies on TV this week. Hopefully it's a perk of the new channel line-up that is costing us an extra $5 and not an error on the cable companies part.

Unconditional: Okay, so she's driving me crazy! She kicks! She's uncomfortable! She's made me fat! She's made me cranky! She's totally ruined my figure! And she hasn't even said she's sorry! But I love her!

Virgin: I SWEAR I AM ONE!!!

Work: Between doctor's appointments, two days of illness, and a psycho fugitive, I only had to go to work one day this week. While having a one-day work week was great for my total exhaustion, it has proved to be extremely boring.

eXhausted: Do I really need to say any more than that?

Yesterday: I fell madly in love with Daddy Dearest. Oh, wait! That happened a while ago. But you know what? I'm still madly in love with that man! Even when we bicker. Even when we argue. Even when we're so mad at each other we can't see straight. I still love him. And when it's all settled down, he never ceases to remind me how much he loves me too. When I'm feeling down, he kisses me and tells me how beautiful I am. When I'm feeling fat, he smiles and tells me I'm sexy. When I can't stand to look at my horrible stretch marks, he hugs me and tells me that they aren't that bad. At his very worst, he is the best. When I fall asleep, book in hand, he gently tucks me in and kisses me. When I tell him I feel bad for not helping with the housework, he reminds me that I picked up the laundry, cleaned off the coffee table, or took out the trash. He holds me and rubs my back and smothers me in a million kisses at just the right moment. Yes, we have a moments. We even have our days. We've been known to yell. We've said things we don't mean. We've gone whole days barely speaking. But in the end it always works out. (end sappy love story)

Zebras: Quick Fact - The stripes on a zebra are as unique as a human fingerprint. Scientist can use them to individually identify each animal. "Yes, officer! The suspect had a four-inch-long verticle stripe running at a 32-degree angle along its left flank..."

Have You Missed Me?

2007-05-02T14:33:00.000-06:00

I know, here I go and curse Blogland with an anti-humor hex and then I just disappear for days on end. I've left you wondering if it was safe to laugh. Continuously looking over your shoulders afraid that I might sneak up and sneeze on you at the first sign of giggling.

MuuHAHAHAHA! Fear is the ultimate weapon of all successful dictators! Since my current goal in life is to rule mercilessly over all of Blogland, I consider my most recent endeavor, quite a success.

But just so you know, I didn't spend the entire time wringing my hands in pleasure and grinning like a maniac. If you are feeling at all jealous that I'm looking at a two-day work week (one of which is an entire day picnicing by the lake) please keep in mind that I would have traded your 60-hour work week for what I've gone through the last few days.

The recap:

Monday Afternoon: Schedule off work for my O/B visit. Why do I schedule a whole day off work for one 10-minute exam? Because NO ONE should have to do anything on a day that they know full well is going to SUCK BIG TIME! Seriously, how much would it suck to have a bad day at work, only to end the afternoon having their tonsils checked in all the WRONG WAYS!! So yes, instead of going on FULL MATERNITY LEAVE, I have limited my work week to a 4 day week by taking every Monday off.

So what about Monday? IT SUCKED! Poke. Prod. Nope. No luck. No progress. Not sure what position this kid is in. Let's do a scan. Exact words of doctor were "Let's go see if this little girl has the audacity to be heads up!" Thankfully, she's well behaved enough to be head down and ready to go. Unfortunately, she's in no hurry to do anything more than stand on her little head. Bad news is that doc doesn't expect her for another week or two. Good news is, Mommie will have that much longer to contemplate how long she should ground her for being stubborn and bull-headed!

Monday Evening: So, as you know, I spent the whole weekend fighting a head cold. Yes, I was miserable. Yes, I whined. Yes, I hate being sick. But thankfully, I'd gone all day Sunday without needing meds so I was pretty sure it was over and done with. That was until 7:00 Monday night. Oh, HAIL TO THE PORCELINE GODS!! Nothing like an evening prayer session to make you feel alive! No biggie though, it happens from time to time, especially towards the end of my colds. It's just a final purge on the road to recovery. Right? SO WRONG!!

11:00 - Another worship session. Okay, so maybe I'm just drinking too much too fast. Let's try sipping the tea and relaxing.
11:30 - HAIL POLCELINIUS FLUSHAMUNDUS!!! Well, that's definately no fun on an empty stomach. Lets try some hot tea to sooth the throat and maybe curb the coughing fits.
Midnight - *speaking in tongues* Okay, this is getting a bit ridiculous. I'm frigging thirsty! Could you maybe stop with the prayer-fest sometime soon!
12:30 - Head spins around and spits pea soup everywhere! THAT'S IT! This is NOT New Mecca! We do no pray every 30 minutes! I am not calling a damn priest! Knock it off!
1:00 - Cough. Choke. Gag. Purge. Cough. Fuck You! I hate you! I give up! Just kill me!
*fall asleep on couch until alarm goes off at 7:30 am*

Tuesday Morning:

8:00 am - Call boss. "Hey J, I'm calling in DEAD! I'll make a doctor's appointment and let you know if she says I'm NOT DEAD!" - "Okay girl, let us know how you're doing. Take care!"
8:30 am - Call doc. "Yes, I'd like to make an appointment for today to verify that I am DEAD!" - "What are your symptoms?" - "Well, let's see, I'm coughing, puking, running nose. All the basic symptoms of being DEAD!" - "Okay, we'll see you at 10:15!"
10:15 am - Visit doc. "No, you are NOT DEAD! However, you're getting over a sinus cold, you have an ear infection, and you may have a stomach bug. Here's a prescription for your ear infection. Let me know if you still can't keep fluids down today. Keep track of your kick counts and call a doc if she stops moving." - *sigh* "Can't you just pronounce me DEAD?"
Pick up prescription, gatorade, 7-up, put gas in car, come home, email co-workers to let them know that sadly, I'm NOT DEAD! Curl up on couch, sleep until 4.
6:00 pm - Let the coughing commence!!
8:00 pm - Get my fix of HOUSE!
9:00 pm - Go read a book
10:00 pm - Try to fall asleep
11:30 pm - Swear mad strings of profanity, broken only by coughing, as I storm outside to sit on front step. Coughing stops. Go back inside and curl up. Coughing starts.
Midnight - Daddy Dearest suggests Cloreseptic throat spray (not recommended for pregnant women) Stare long and hard at the bottle. Finally give in and spray throat. Okay. That is the coolest shit on the face of the Earth! It tastes like cherry flavored YARD ASS, but once your mouth and throat go numb you really don't mind at all.
Sleep until morning!

Wednesday:

7:45 am - Call boss and tell him I could really use another day off. "Okay girl, see you tomorrow!"
Immediately fall back to sleep until 1:30.

Currently:

It's about 4:00. I've drank a bottle of Gatorade. I'm working on a 7-up. I've had a bagel with cheese. I can breathe. I'm only coughing once every 15-30 minutes. My stomach doesn't feel like it's sloshing with diesel fuel and week old yogurt. Baby hasn't been phased one bit. And really, my only complaint is that I think I could use one more nap.

So, I'm officially calling off my no-humor hex. You are free to post all of your hilariousness in it's fullest. However, do keep in mind that if I have a relapse and miss out on our Annual Class Picnic tomorrow, there will be HELL TO PAY! Seriously, I've already forfitted my trip to the Zoo for the sake of this child (I just don't understand why my co-workers would be nervous about dragging me on a 12-hour trip out of state, 3-hours from my doctor when I'm 3 days over-due! You'd think they were paranoid or something!). For those of you who believed that my hex was all smoke and mirrors, please keep this in mind. The one person who dared to slip up and make me laugh this weekend had a near "Death By Pop-Tart" experience!

Sorry if this post lacked the usual PIZZAZZ you have come to expect from me. If you actually paid attention to what you were reading, you know I haven't been at my best the last few days. Bear with me. We'll get things back on track. I just need some time to recouperate.

Prom 2007

2007-04-29T20:35:00.000-06:00

Sunshine is hosting Prom 2007! Woohoo!

@>-;---*---;-<@

Unfortunately for me, she has scheduled the prom date for May 8th. Since my due date is set for May 10th, I don't believe it would be wise for me to make tentative plans to actually attend Prom. (Especially since I believe my Mother had some strange dream about me falling on my pregnant ass while doing the disco!)

@>-;---*---;-<@

So sadly, I will NOT be attending the festivities!

@>-;---*---;-<@

NEVER FEAR!! I will be with you in spirit (unless of course I'm in labor and delivery screaming to Daddy Dearest that this is all his fault!!)

@>-;---*---;-<@

So the prom festivities for 2007 include posting of old Prom photos, finding a prom date, remembering your favorite prom song, and digging up your old prom stories.

@>-;---*---;-<@

When it comes to those old Prom photos, I know exactly where they are. Unfortunately, climbing up on a chair and digging a huge box of photos out of the top of the closet are not on the list of top 10 things a pregnant woman should do.

--;-<@Luckily, we have an alternative! I still have in my closet my prom dress from my senior year! Yes! It still fits! As a matter of fact, it still fit me when I was four-months pregnant. Not saying I was fat in high school, just that knit fabrics are very forgiving.

---;-<@So here you have it. My 1998 prom fantasmo made slightly more hilarious by the baby-belly I had around Christmas of last year (No, I was NOT pregnant for my senior prom!) This fabulous number was purchased at some trendy shop in the local mall. Totally psychodellic in nature, it is the exact opposite of what everyone would have expected me to wear. This number came complete with a matching jacket which I detest! I topped the number off with black 6-inch platform heels (shoes I absolutely adored until about a year later when I fell off them and broke the straps as opposed to my ankle).
---;-<@I can't say it was really a "hit" at the prom, but frankly, I didn't give a damn! I love this dress (still do when I'm in that funky-make-your-eyes-hurt sort of mood). I'm all about making statements and this one clearly says, "I think you people pop too much acid so now I'm going to fuck with your minds!" You really have to see this in the fabulousness of strobe lights to really get the full effect, but if you use your imagination, I'm sure you can appreciate its hideous nature!

@>-;---*---;-<@

As far as the Prom date goes, I'm afraid I'd prove to be quite a wallflower if I was able to attend. Not one to be a drag on others (and not wanting to stand anyone up) I really don't think I'll be needing a date.

@>-;---*---;-<@

As far as Prom songs go.

Let's see. I attended five proms in "Hickville, U.S.A" so you can bet that Garth Brook's "The Dance" was played at each of them.

@>-;---*---;-<@

And when it comes to Prom stories...

Funniest Prom moment: Prom 1998.

---;-<@My Senior Prom was a riot. My date couldn't make it, I didn't care. I gave my date's glass to my Freshman girlfriend. I spent the entire night with my two freshman girls and their dates.
---;-<@We went to the After-Prom and had a blast. We waited around to catch breakfast before we headed home. Since my Mom had told us not to cruise around, we decided to stop at a laundry mat. Why? Well what else is there to do in a tiny town at 5 am? We washed our clothes of course!
---;-<@Somewhere in the archives of my misspent youth are photos of me and "Sassy Bear" sitting on a wash machine in leather pants, high heel shoes our bras and her boyfriend's neck tie with our arms around each other and cigarettes in our hands. This laundry mat had a huge picture window that faced out onto one of the main streets in town, but we didn't care in the slightest. We spent the better part of the morning racing around the room in laundry carts and crawling in and out of the washers and driers.
---;-<@At one point Sassy ran outside in her bra to see if there was something funny under the car (this is directly related to a radio commercial I heard earlier that night, and checking under the car became a major past time for well over a week).
---;-<@As far as our bra-parading escapade, it was brought to an abrupt end when it dawned on us that the police car that just drove by may have noticed two shirtless teenagers dancing around in the picture window of the laundry mat. Thankfully, the guys offered up their shirts until our shirts were ready to be removed from the drier.
---;-<@The events ended with a quick breakfast and a Dodge Ram truck (it was red) slamming into the back bumper of my Caddy after I dropped everyone off that morning. Luckily, the only damage was a cracked taillight and a startled teenage girl who was in desperate need of sleep.

@>-;---*---;-<@

Thus ends my walk down memory lane. Now would someone please go check to see if there is anything funny under my car, because honestly, I'm too fat to do it myself this time (and I vaguely recall slamming my head in the car door not once, but twice when I attempted this on Prom night).

@>-;---*---;-<@

COME! JOIN THE FESTIVITIES!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO LAUGH AT THOSE OLD PHOTOS AND THE CRAZY SHIT YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE A TEENAGER!!

Another Moment to Bore You With

2007-04-29T18:19:00.000-06:00

See what happens when a pregnant chick gets sick?

SHE GETS VERY BORING!

Why? Because, I've probably spent 36 of the last 48 hours sleeping in 4 hour intervals. I've read 1.5 books while sweating to death beneath the blankets.

Daddy Dearest has slept the past 2 nights on the couch because 1) he doesn't want to bother me 2) I wake up every few hours 3) his side of the bed has become home to my Kleenex supply and 4) the bedding is covered in cold germs.

While I can actually breathe for the first time in days, I still have that dry sore throat that comes with breathing through your mouth for two days and the hot-flashes have yet to subside. I'm still not sure whether it would be wise to venture down the block to do laundry today.

Meanwhile, my brain is fried and I'm entertaining myself with stupid surveys. Since you are obviously ENJOYING your weekend, while I remain in sick-prego isolation, I feel the need to torment you with this mind-numbing stupidity. This was question #1 on the latest survey I read. It is a post all in itself, and that's okay since the rest of the questions were just more pointless shit like "Do you close your eyes on a roller coaster?"

Have you ever been searched by the cops?
This is actually pretty good.

The date is March 16th, 1999. I have just spent the entire day surrounded by "The Disfunctionals" as we buried my dear great-grandmother who passed away at the ripe old age of 90-something. The back seat of my gigantic blue Cadillac is loaded with 15,000 things I had hauled back from my dorm room over Spring break. The funeral was hilarious, the funeral procession would have brought NASCAR fans swarming, the burial was comical, and the reception included a three-generation game of TAG (you can't help but celebrate a woman who lived as long as she did). So, while it was a sad day for our family, we made the best of it.

Late that night, my boyfriend and his mother got into an arguement and he left the house. I, of course, went to get him and bring him back. I'm driving around in my Caddy wearing a giant sweater that is actually longer than the dress I have on underneith it. I picked my boyfriend up on main street and noticed our local cop was coming down the street. (Let me point out here that this is a town of a couple hundred where everyone knows everyone!)

Knowing my boyfriend needed some time to cool off, we drive out of town. Officer "Fuckhead" follows us. It is very difficult to have a conversation with someone when you are nervously trying to assure that you do not violate any traffic violations with a cop directly behind you. Five miles down the road, I decide to turn around and go back to town. When I turned around, Officer "FH" had traveled far enough down the road that I could no longer see his lights. I headed back into town at exactly the speed limit. To my shock, looking in the rearview mirror, I realize that Officer "FH" has turned around and has caught back up to us. (Speed much?)

More than a little spooked (it's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere) I slowly drive around town, hoping that Officer "FH" will go away long enough for the two of us to talk. I did not get so lucky. After Officer "FH" has followed us for several blocks, I decide we need to find a well lit place to park the car so he doesn't think we're "fooling around in the back seat" or something. I parked the car in front of a friend's house and we procede to converse.

Officer "FH" circles the block several times. I must tell you this is very distracting when you are trying to calm someone down and convince them to return to their house. I finally came to the conclusion that Officer "FH" must think something strange is going on. To ease the mind of Officer "FH" I decide to go park in front of the other local cop's home. Certainly if I'm parked in front of a police officer's home there will be no doubt that we're not up to anything "fishy".

No dice. Officer "FH" pulls up behind my parked car with his bright headlight shining in my back window (no flashing lights, no siren) and walks up to my window. More than slightly peeved, I barely cracked the window & said hello. He addressed me by my name (okay, so there goes my defending him by saying he wasn't sure who I was) and demanded to see my license and registration.

I promptly asked him what seemed to be the problem.
He informed me that he asked for my license and registration.
I asked why he was pulling me over.
He said he wasn't pulling me over (clearly, the car was already parked).
I then asked him, "Well, then why do you need a license and registration?"
This clearly made him irate (and a bit irrational) as he informed me that "I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!! Let me see you license and registration!"
I cussed and gave them to him.
Officer "FH" then asks me to step out of the vehicle which I did.

We go back to his cruiser where he procedes to berate me with a series of 20 questions. "What are you doing? Where have you been? Why are you doing it? Where are you staying? blah blah blah."
I interrupt and say "Why have you been following us for the past hour and a half?"
He gets all defensive. He does the whole "follow my pen" sobriety test.
I continue to ask him why he is bothering us.
He skirts around the question.
I demand an answer for why he is harassing us.
He again yells "I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!!!" and procedes to run my plates through dispatch (I later learned he did this over a private airwave as he knew my mother had a police scanner). The minute he pushes his "talk" button, I clearly state "You crooked son of a bitch!" Of course, it was no surprise that my plates came back clean as a whistle.

Let me point out here that I grew up with this man's sons. Literally, I was probably at his house as much as I was my own. And the whole town knew that his son was the BIGGEST drug dealer in town!! So I was more than a little shocked when he had the nerve to ask if he could search my car!! "Excuse me?" He asked again! I'm practically laughing at this point.

I really wanted to ask him if his son had been in my car lately, but instead I said (and I quote), "If you really want to search through the two tons of shit I've brought home from college, you just get your happy ass out there and do it! But let me out of this fucking car!"

He agreed. I stood at the trunk of my car and my boyfriend stood at the hood of the car, while Officer "FH" procedes to try and search the back seat of my two door Caddy.

Finally fed up with this whole matter, I decided to take action. I reached into my coat pocket and retrieved my cell phone. It's about 2 am... this is so NOT going to be pretty!

I begin typing in numbers
... 3-2-1 ...
(Officer "FH" looks out back window and sees me with phone!)
... 5-5-5 ...
(Officer "FH" bangs his head on the roof of my car in a desperate hurry to get out of my vehicle!)
... 4-3-7-2 ...
(Officer "FH" is standing in front of me returning my license and registration!)
... My finger poised on "SEND" he asks one last question, "How old are you?"
(Think back now, had my license, has known me for the past 6 years, and his daughter-in-law is practically my sister only 2 weeks younger than me!)
I rolled off a good old military-style answer, complete with "Sir" and a crappy sallute to honor his 3 military children who aren't drug dealers!
Officer "FH" storms off to his cruiser and I pushed "SEND" to call MOM!!

Needless to say, Officer "FH" and my Mother do not get along in the first place. Even Cletus thinks the man is a worthless piece of crap. My Mother was not in the slightest bit amused by all of this, even less so considering she got woke up in the middle of the night after spending the day at a funeral.

The following morning the local Sheriff recieved a very heated explaination of why his Deputy was a major fuckhead and what legal actions she would take if he ever pulled something like this again with HER DAUGHTER! She further explained that should an officer in this county attempt to pull HER DAUGHTER over again, she had instructed her to call 9-1-1 and drive to the nearest police station.

Two days later, a State Patrol officer arrived at our home (per our request) to search my vehicle for any illegal substance that needed to be removed. Nothing was found and I am happy to announce that I never again had to deal with a police officer from that county again.

The moral of the story is:

"Crooked Cops should NOT fuck with MEAN-ASS Women and their Kids!"

Now see... that was bearable, if not slightly amusing. Stay tuned for more
"BORING-I'M-SICK-CRAP"
in the near future.
*ACHOO*

In Pursuit of BOREDOM!

2007-04-29T15:57:00.000-06:00

As I yet remain congested, and over-all feel like crap, I am continuing my boycot of all things funny for yet another day.

So in a desperate search for boring blog material, I have searched Myspace message boards for stupid pointless crap! To no surprise, I found plenty of it, and will now bore the hell out of you with my mindless dribble.

Let the pointless droning begin:

Where were you 3 hours ago?
I was asleep under my covers practicing my newest "lose weight quick" scheme of sweating out a cold.

Who are you in love with?
Well Daddy Dearest of course!

Have you ever eaten a crayon?
Eaten a what? You're kidding right? No! To my knowledge I have never had the urge to chew on, let alone actually swallow, an artificially colored stick of wax!

Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Hmm... A spray can of lysol, an ink pen, a cigarette lighter, and an old journal.

When was the last time you went to the mall?
March 30th. I slipped in the back door of Sears to pick up a Smile Saver card at 50% off, and then I quickly slipped back out to my car and came home. Have you seen the mallrats these days? They're some scary people!

Are you wearing socks right now?
Ha! Nope. You're lucky I have underwear and a shirt on!

Do you have a car worth over $2000?
No, but the baby does! And Daddy Dearest does! I don't mind though, I've stolen the baby's car for the next umpteen years anyway!

When was the last time you drove out of town?
Last Tuesday we drove out to look at a house we want to buy.

Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No, the last movie we saw in the theater was Premonition

Are you hot?
Currently, no... give me a few minutes, I'll have a hot-flash!

What was the last thing you drank?
A glass of milk.

What are you wearing right now?
A grey, long-sleeved, night shirt and underwear! They're WHITE if you must know!

Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
I let Daddy Dearest do it.

Last food you ate?
Cheese and crackers... but a bagel is looming in the near future.

Where were you last week at this time?
Probably right here. Sundays are pretty dull for me.

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
No, the last thing I bought was some bandanas a few weeks ago.

When was the last time you ran?
Pregnant chicks don't RUN!! They don't remember when they last RAN!! They don't think they've ever RAN in their entire lives!!

What's the last sporting event you watched?
Part of a NASCAR race on April 15th while we were visiting family.

What is your favorite animal?
Doggies!!!

Your dream vacation?
A Carribbean Spa Resort!

Last person's house you were in?
Besides my own? We were in a strangers house last week looking to buy it. Before that, I'd guess Daddy Dearest's brother's house.

Worst injury you've ever had?
Probably cracking my head open when I was 7.

Have you been in love?
Several times

Do you miss anyone right now?
Of course I do. I always miss people when they aren't around, and since a lot of people aren't around very often, I miss a lot of people often.

Last play you saw?
Oooh... probably "The Importance of Being Earnest" in 1998 at the outdoor ampitheater in Spring Green, Wisconsin.

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I never was one to go "fishing" for a man.

What are your plans for tonight?
Sleep, Internet, Television, Sleep, Medicine, Bath, Sleep, Wash the sick-germs off the sheets if I decide I'm really feeling better, and Sleep MORE.

Who is the last person you sent a message to on Myspace?
My baby sister, wishing her a happy birthday!

Next trip you are going to take?
Well there's a doctor's appointment tomorrow. A baby due soon. But those are just a trip into town. I guess the next "actual trip" will be to Nebraska to visit my Crazy family (at least those I'm speaking to at the time!)

Ever go to camp?
Yep. 4-H camp a couple of times. An electrical camp (not as boring as it sounds). An academic camp (again, not boring at all). And then I was a 4-H camp counselor.

Were you an Honor Roll Student?
YEPPERS!

What do you know about the future?
Everything will be OKAY!!

What do you want to know about the future?
How much longer I have to carry this wrecking ball around on my stomach?

Are you wearing any perfume right now?
HAHA!! No! I've been sick! I probably smell like YARD ASS!!

Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
Matter of fact I've got one scheduled tomorrow. If I don't kick this cold before morning, I'll have two scheduled tomorrow.

Where is your best friend?
Which one? One's doing yard work & watching bulls, one's at work, and the other is probably "trolling"

How is your best friend?
Between a "rigged" NASCAR race and problems with a "mechanic" I'd guess their all in pretty crappy moods.

Do you have a tan?
LMAO... My natural skin color verges on transparent. Now figure that I'm pregnant and Mother Nature has not decided if it's Spring or Winter yet. What exactly is a tan?

What are you listening to right now?
The water in the aquarium, the clickity clack on keyboard keys, and the voices in my own head.

Do you collect anything?
FROGS!! And junk!! Old bottles!! More Junk!! And dust bunnies!

Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
My grandmother!

Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
Me personally? It's been a long time. I'm a very careful driver because I figure I'm WAY over due for a ticket of some sort.

Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
Why yes! Everytime I go through the drive-thru.

What does your last text message say?
"Hey sweetie, can't talk bc Ive got a nasty cold, but want 2 wish U a fabulous HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Love U bunches & tons. Stay out of trouble, Im 2 fat 2 bail U out." Sent it to my baby sis a few hours ago.

Do you like hot sauce?
I like mild sauce. I prefer not to have flames shoot out of my mouth, but I can handle some "heat" depending on what I'm eating it with.

Last time you took a shower?
Do you realize how much energy it takes to stand up and bathe all these extra inches? I haven't taken an actual shower in months. But I took a bath Friday night, and I'll take another one tonight once Daddy Dearest gets home to help me out of the tub.

Do you need to do laundry?
How did you know? Are you spying on me? There are clothes to wash and bedding to wash and here I am with a cold. It'll get done tonight or tomorrow.

What is your heritage?
English-Irish-German-Scottish-Swedish... aka Heinz 47... oh, there may be some Cocker Spaniel in there if you check my biological father's family tree closely enough.

Are you someone's best friend?
I sure hope so.

Are you rich?
HAHAHAHAHA! Sure! I'm vacationing on my yacht in the Carribean as I type this!

What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was popping some cold medicine, checking my email one last time, and curling up on the couch to wait for Daddy Dearest to get home from work.

Okay, you can WAKE UP now! I'm finally done. I know! You were sick of the mindless dribble ages ago. But you know what? I don't care! That's what you get when I get sick! WHY? Because I'm a big, fat, miserable, sicky and I want to WHINE about it! Why? Because I hate being sick! I hate everything about sickness! I hate it! And I'm a big, fat, miserable, sicky, WIMP about it!! So, DEAL WITH IT!!

Have I mentioned I have a hangnail that hurts, I ran over my toe with the chair, my sinuses could put Niagra falls to shame, the baby has her big toe in my spleen, and the doctor is going to check my "tonsils" tomorrow?

That's right! I'm whining! You're tired of it! I DON'T CARE!! Go sit on your porch and sniff your yard ass, have a Mike's hard lemonade, and shoot a sheep or something!!

I'm going to sit here in my own miserable (have I mentioned FAT?) self-pity and POUT!!

I WANT MY MOMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

*ACHOO*

*rubs snotty Kleenex on post*

HAHA!! See how you like it! I have officially CONTAMINATED you!!

ENJOY!

Haha... very funny! Now take it back DAMNIT!!

2007-04-28T20:56:00.000-06:00

Dear Higher Power With a Sick Sense of Humor:

Okay, I must admit I had to laugh when you decided to bless us with this child. The incredible irony of the situation was completely hilarious. I've had many laughs over the fact that my ex was unable to achieve this feat in three years of marriage, while Daddy Dearest managed it in less than a year. I must admit, waiting until we started our birth control pills only added to the hilarity.

Always being one to laugh in the face of the unexpected, I found further humor in the fact that Daddy Dearest's family is entirely Catholic and we have no intentions of marriage in the near future.

Normally, I am the first to commend you on your sense of humor. Back to back cases of strep throat, while unpleasant, baffled the doctors and therefor made me laugh.

I've even reached a point where I can laugh at the inappropriate timing when it comes to my family's "disfunctional" falling out.

I must confess though, that I have finally lost all patience with you and DO NOT find your latest joke to be in the least bit funny.

Oh yes, I'm a hilarious person made even more hilarious by the giant wrecking ball that protrudes from my abdomen and makes me waddle like a penguin everywhere I go. It is absolutely hysterical that I can no longer get out of the bath tub on my own, let alone bathe and shave various parts of my enlarged form. You're more than entitled to laugh at my current state of exhaustion and the fact that you've made it clear to this child that she does not need to make preparations to evacuate her current residence in the near future. I have no problem being the brunt of these ridiculous jokes.

HOWEVER,

I do not think it is in any way humorous that you decided to bless me with a full blown head cold, complete with nasty sinus drainage, headaches, hot-flashes, and sleepiness at this point in the pregnancy! Was it really necessary to INCREASE my state of discomfort and misery? Were you not laughing hard enough as I try to rolly polly my way out of bed each morning? Was it not humorous enough for you to just sit back and watch me try to put socks on?

YOU ARE A SICK INDIVIDUAL!!

So you've had your laugh. One last DIG at my overly miserable expense! I now DEMAND that you TAKE IT BACK!!

Until you decide that the ninth month of pregnancy is sufficient laughter for you, I will be boycotting your existance. There will be no more late-night seances, no more sacrificing of goats, no further spreading of your sick but humorous gospel! I am through doing your evil bidding until such time that you see to relieve me of this unnecessary cold.

NOT SO FUNNY NOW IS IT?

And furthermore, I will demand that all who love me also restrain from serving your horrible whims. There will be no more shooting of sheep, no more burying children in shallow graves, no more laughing at the expense of trolls, and no making fun of life's minor inconveniences. Until I am in a more healthy state of non-congestion, I demand that Blogland become BORING!!

Anyone who insists on posting something that will amuse your sick sense of humor will have to answer to my sick state of mind. My wrath will be unbearable. I will travel Blogland sneezing on everyone's sites. I will refuse to use Kleenex when posting comments. I will not wash my hands before I type. I will spread your nasty headcold all over Blogland to any and all who worship your humor.

Maybe if all of the bloggers are sick and can no longer feed your cruel amusement, you will see fit to relieve me of my illness and allow me to enjoy the remaining misery of pregnancy congestion free!

Totally not amused & seeking revenge,
Ellies Mommie

For Chris!

2007-04-26T21:29:00.000-06:00

Dear Officer,

If you are reading this, then my dear blogger friend Chris has been carted off to jail after her latest "break down." As you further your investigation of today's events, please comsider the following:

Chris has recently been adopted into a highly disfunctional family. I firmly believe that this may have contributed in some way to her highly unstable manner, thus provoking her recent actions. Please take this into consideration. It is very hard to distinguish "right" from "wrong" once you get wrapped up in the chaos of this mess.
Chris was recently tagged to write a post about the letter "H". Hell, homocide, hypocrite and hysteria all begin with "h". Forming logical thoughts entirely out of words that begin with "h" can definately make one "halucinate" and find it "hard" to think in a logic manner.
While you may believe the teenage boy to be an "innocent" victim of these events, I can clearly see that Chris was the true victim. "The Boy" was clearly distraught that Chris implied he "go comando" and chose to exact his revenge by attempting to stage an unfortunate "housecleaning accident" that would bring about her unfortunate demise. I seriously believe that Chris's actions were in SELF DEFENSE. It was either him or her and she wasn't about to wait around for his next attempt.
Also keep in mind that this teenage boy was tampering with some seriously dangerous chemicals. From my experience, teenagers are dangerous around things as simple as "root beer" and there is no telling what they might do under the influence of garage cleaner!
It is also evident that Chris's state of mind was clearly "blurred" by the toxic chemical reaction that was melting her tile floors. The fumes made it difficult to see through running eyes and choking fumes. I suspect that Chris's blog was simply a innocent venting that turned tragic when she mistook her "grounded teenager" for a burglar. Simply a case of mistaken identity and coincidence I'm sure!

As you can see, today's acts were committed in complete innocence (or instability) and Chris should not be held accountable for her actions at the moment. Clearly, many factors were involved and this was not just a simple case of homocide. Please, be certain that you examine all of the facts before you make a final decision on the charges that are pending.

In the mean time, please forward the following message to Chris as I am uncertain of the jail's address (and I rarely write real letters).

Thank you for your assistance,

Ellie's Mommie

--------------------

Chris,

In regards to your recent request for hair-fashion advice, I feel obliged to offer my extent wisdom. If you are of pale complexion (something I would expect from a winter-bound Wisconsin) I do not recommend my Mother's suggestion of dying your hair black. While it does go smashing with bright orange, it has tragic affects on the state of your skin color. However, my best suggestion does require you to suffer these ill effects for a few months in order to achieve hair-color-perfection! Therefore, if you find your stay in the local "facilities" to be an extended one, you may consider this an option.

First, you must spend several months dying your hair various shades of blacks, dark burgandies, etc. For most even results, I suggest doing this every week or so in order to keep the roots from becoming overly exposed. After a few months of this regimen, you then must request that a hair stylist (unfortunately, this step cannot be done on your own) attempt to make you a blonde! After the stylist recovers from his/her cardiac arrest, they will first attempt to apply the maximum strength of peroxide to your head. If you have done the previous "black" procedure properly, this peroxide application will prove completely uneffect and fully astonish your stylist.

At this point you may then suggest that he/she use an herbal compound called "diamond glitz". (To forewarn you of the impact this had in my life, I will note here that these events took place NINE years ago & I can still remember the name of the product!)

After this product has had time to work, you will be greatly disappointed to look in the mirrow and see that your hair is still this dark greyish color. Do not be fooled. This product cakes on your hair like mud and incases it in a mummy-like chemical reaction. Once your stylist rinse this mud cast from your folicles, you will sit up in your chair and SCREAM!

Your hair (which was mud grey sixty seconds ago) will suddenly be every shade of ORANGE imaginable. The tips of each strand (which have endured months of the dark-dying process) will be a gorgeous burgandy. Meanwhile, the roots of your folicles will be platinum blonde! The remaining portions of the strand will vary in color from blonde to burgandy the closer you get to the ends (This includes a florescent orange color in the middle which should match your jumpsuit PERFECTLY!)

Your stylist will immediately faint (assuring no payment necessary) and no one on the block will be able to duplicate your exact hair color without explicit instructions from you. OH, THE CONTROL YOU WILL HAVE OVER THE FASHION INDUSTRY!

I hope that these suggestions will help you to be more satisfied with your hair fashion during your unfortunate incarceration.

While I hope for your quick release and that all charges are dropped, you might consider milking the situation for all it's worth. Seriously, is jail really that bad (if you can avoid become BIG BERTHA'S LOVE PUPPET)?

Think about this:

3 free meals
laundry service
no screaming children
cable
access to furthering your education at the expense of taxpayers
house-keeping
free medical care
vacations to various locations while you appeal the verdict of your trial
and if it truly does turn for the worst you have the consolation of knowing you can order Steak & Lobster for your final meal... plus, they clean the injection site really good so you don't die from that last minute infection!

Best wishes from Blogland,

Ellie's Mommie