I Need a Therapist

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WARNING: Major VENT!!!

TARGET

SUCKS!

Okay, I've never been a big fan of them. However, I've given them a chance a couple of times. NEVER AGAIN!

This week I went to return some gifts that had been taking up space around my house. Namely, I was returning the $100 high chair that Ellie got for Christmas. Not that there was anything wrong with the high chair, just that Daddy Dearest and I had planned on the cheaper space saving model that just sits on a chair.

So anyway, we gather up the items to take to Target and go to the store. Keep in mind that going to TARGET first involves a 20 mile drive to town (we don't just up and go on a whim) and once in town, TARGET is on the opposite side of everything else I need to do. So even when I happen to be in town, it is not convienent for me to just *pop* over to the store.

So, would you like to know why I will never spend another dime in Target?

I took our items to the counter and explained that I knew the high chair was from here, and I wanted to get a gift card so we could get the high chair we wanted and some other items for our daughter.

TARGET WILL NOT RETURN ANY ITEM OVER $20 WITHOUT A GIFT RECIEPT!

I had three items to return (valued at $215 total). I was only allowed to return the $14 baby carrier. I spent the $16 gift card on stuff for the baby, bought 1 jar of formula because I didn't want to have to stop somewhere elseon my way home. The $25 for the formula will be the last time I shop there.

It's really a pity because I was just starting to warm up Target. I like the little dollar rack they have and the last time I was there, they were the only place in town who carried an extra large jar of the formula we use.

Unfortunately, Target does not care about customer service.

Seriously, what is the problem? If they had taken back my items they could have resold them. At least one of them was purchased on sale so they would have made an additional $20 on that item. If they had given me a gift card, I would have gladly spent it in their store. I would also have spent more money in their store. I have a growing child. SHE IS A GIRL!! GIRLS NEED EVERYTHING!! Not to mention the fact that we plan on having more children down the road. DOYOU KNOW HOW MUCH BABIES COST? DIAPERS, FORMULA, BOTTLES, ETC.

I realize that I am just one person. However, considering the way children grow, I would not be surprised if many parents are not happy with this return policy.

They do not allow returns over $20 without a reciept AND they only allow 2 returns per drivers licence per YEAR.

It simply doesn't make sense. I imagine limiting returns is to discourage shoplifting. I also know many stores have similar policies. I simply don't understand why a store would rather I keep an unwanted item AND be unhappy with their store rather than taking the items reselling it AND still getting my money!!

I informed the clerk I didn't care, I knew Wal-Mart sold that high chair and I knew they would be HAPPY to have my business from now on.

It's just STUPID!

Attention TARGET: Don't be STUPID!

For Sunshine (and anyone else who finds a need for such a letter)

Here's your general letter of hatred to send out to all of the family members who have made you wish you were adopted or disowned. Simply choose one (or more) of the phrases in parenthesis to copy into the letter format:

Dear (worthless DNA sample/pathetic excuse for a parent/inconsiderate pompous-assed relative/person who makes me understand why animals eat their young),

After (carefully assessing your inconsiderate actions/years of overlooking your abusive behavior/desperately searching for my real relatives/pouring brake fluid over the paint on your Mercedes), I have decided (you are no worth my precious time/your insecurity is paled only by your stupidity/to put myself up for adoption on Ebay/I will be running off to join the circus). I'm tired of (being your personal crutch to lean on/playing the family scapegoat/swallowing your shit politely/paying the therapist to fix the damage you've done). From now on I plan to (lie about where I come from/make your life as miserable as you've made mine/run and scream frantically if I see you in public/give my therapist your credit card number). Maybe someday you will be able to look at this and realize (you were never meant to reproduce/you really need to pull your head out of your ass and catch a little fresh air/this world does not revolve around your fat ass/you really shouldn't eat yellow snow).

I know you are thinking that (I will regret this someday/I will get over this mad spell/this really doesn't change anything/now you can spend all the money you were going to leave me), but the truth is (I feel better than I ever did/I'm not willing to waste my time staying mad at you/someday you will pay for what you've done to me/I still get to pick your carehome someday). Now that I have found (a life without your negativity/someone to take your place/the key to your backdoor/the money you were hiding under the mattress) I will not be bothered by (your endless whining and bickering/your deathbed confessions/army of narrow-minded minnons who try to bully people/the voices in my head).

In the future, if you feel the need to (torture me for your own sick amusement/bad-mouth me to everyone you know/clear your conscience/eat cheetos in your underwear) please be aware that (I will not hesitate to run you over with my vehicle/I'm willing to publish all our secrets in the local paper/I will not be accepting letters or phone calls from you/I have plenty of blackmail photos).

All I'm asking is for you to (stay the hell out of my life/stop spreading rumors and lies about me/treat me with at least the same respect you treat the dog/drop dead in the near future). I don't think that is too much to ask.

If for some reason you (cannot give me my space/must do something to cause discontent in my life/feel the need to ruin the lives of those around you/decide to act like a civilized human being) please keep in mind that I (carry a loaded weapon/know which foods you are allergic to/am willing to send detailed letters to the whole family/might suffer from a sudden case of amnesia, causing me to forget you are related to me). I really do not care if you (fall off the face of the earth/get your feelings hurt over this/drag the whole family into this matter/pass out drunk on the front lawn naked) because I know that I (have every right to a peaceful life/do not need hypocrites like you in my life/don't even like half of the people you talk to/know enough of your dark secrets to embarass the whole family).

From now on I will do my best not to (bombard you with insults and threats/hire a sociopath to hunt you down/dump itch powder in your underwear/accidentally light your house on fire). I feel that this is in the best interest of (both of us/our family and friends/nuclear treaties/the little people in my head).

Sincerely yours,
(the half-drunk seed of your loins who is trying desperately to erase their childhood/the relative that you would love to sweep under the rug/the bastard child that simply wants to make your life as miserable as you made mine/the person who watches you through the scope of a sniper rifle every night)

This letter should be sufficient for almost everyone's needs, however, in the event that you are in desperate need of a letter for a more specific situation, I will be happy to do my part. Please keep in mind that letter to family members are not guaranteed in any way to get people to realize what is going on. Some family members are simply too stupid to understand even the simplest explanation. Also, do to the high demand for letters in my own life, I cannot guarantee a timeframe for individual letters. While I will try very hard to complete your letters before the response time frame has passed, there may be cases that I simply an unable to do that. Since this is not a paid service, I will not be held responsible for reconsiliations that might occur during that time, hence I am also not responsible for future physical or emotional damage due to such a reconsiliation.

The Brighter Side

On the brighter side of things (scroll down to next post if you've missed the Dark Side!)

I do have some good people in my family. (Okay, so Sainthood is probably not in any of their futures, but as far as I know they haven't drown any kittens in the past few days!)

I have an Aunt & Uncle who go out of their way to visit my family whenever we make the trip to my parents. They have 3 wonderful kids who try to come with them when their schedules work out.

I have one cousin who forgives all of us "misfits" who don't want to put up with the B.S. anymore. She's torn between the family because her parents are on one side of the fence. But she listens to us VENT and is overall the perfect (She's pretty, smart, a great girl, a hard-worker, and a wonderful Mom... makes me want to FUCKING puke on her) person.

I have an adopted cousin who tries to stay out of it all.

I have an Aunt (actually Mom's cousin) who finds the whole thing hilarious and listens to us complain if only for her own sick amusement. But we love her for it.

I have another Aunt (actually Mom's aunt) and her family. All of whom are pretty decent people. They certainly don't deserve a lot of the shit they have to put up with. And life has dealth them a pretty crappy hand these days. But overall, I've got nothing against any of them.

I've got a great-uncle who sees everything and says nothing. He's great with all of the children and loves us all even though we're certifiably insane.

And I imagine there are a handful of other lunatics out there who are semi-tolerable as relatives.

So, here's my family roster and where they rank on MY family Christmas list:

• Level 1 - I have your address, email, phone number and/or cell phone easily at hand and I am willing to use it without cringing in horror at the thought: Mom and Dad; Uncle M & Aunt C; 4 cousins + spouses & kids; 2 half-sisters; 1 niece; 1 nephew; Dad's youngest son, his wife & their boys; Brother-in-law, his wife, & their boys.
• Level 2 - I know you, you know me, we like each other and as a result we've agreed to not do anything to intentionally piss each other off: Neutral relatives; Adopted brother; Mrs. A & her hubby; Mrs. B & kids; a handful of co-workers; the In-Laws.
• Level 3 - I know you and I promise not to run you over if you're crossing the street in front of my car: Adopted family members; neighbors; illegitimate and unfamiliar siblings
• Level 4 - I would seriously consider pissing on your face is it was on fire: 1 cousin & her husband; 2 Uncles & their wives
• Level 5 - I wouldn't hire a serial killer to hunt you down: Biological father's family
• Level 6 - You make it easy to understand why a woman would drive hundreds of miles in a diaper to get revenge on someone: Grandparents & Biological father

So, if you're reading this and you wish that you were listed on a higher level that you currently are, than I suggest that you pull your head out of your ass and get your priorities straight.

Congrats to all the people in the top two levels. If you feel that you might be unfairly lumped into one of the lower groups. Feel free to contact me on the matter and I'll be happy to A) clarify whether you were unfairly stereotyped and should have been listed elsewhere, or B) give you a good ass-chewing if I feel that you are in desperate need of it.

My Family Is Messed Up

Have I told you lately that I have a really messed up family?

Let me clarify this:

• Grandma FuckHead - Problem causing, over-dramatic, attention seeking, delusional maniac. That's right. This woman is not happy unless someone else is unhappy. For the past 50 years, her passion has been antagonizing my mother whenever possible. Unfortunately, now that we've said "enough is enough" she no longer has my mother for a target. My sympathy to the next victim on her list (unless you brough it on yourself)
• Grandpa JackAss - For years I thought he was just a spineless by-stander to his wife's antics. However, new incidents have made it perfectly clear that he'd rather wash his hands of his own family than admit that he or his wife have ever done anything wrong. NEWS FLASH!! I'd say telling your daughter that you didn't care if you ever saw your granddaughter or unborn great-granddaughter again definately qualifies as doing something wrong. And since I'm the one who decides whether you see us, I'd say my judgement matters a lot.
• Uncle YesMan - Good-hearted guy who would do anything for his parents. Including, getting in the middle of an argument that had nothing to do with him. Hope it didn't turn out to backfire on him.
• Aunt Sickly - Sweet aunt who married into a fucked up family. Tragically, she suffers from a major medical condition. Unfortunately, I have no sympathy since she milks it for all it's worth.
• Uncle Scared-of-Me - Mouthy, red-headed uncle who used to get in the middle of things. However, since he tangled with a mouthy niece of his, he seems to have thought better of it. I wasn't bluffing when I told him I would expose the whole family's dirty little secrets if he didn't lay off on my Mom. Hell, I publish them in the damn newspaper!
• Aunt Newly-Wed - Girl never knew what hit her. As if being married to my Uncle isn't hard enough, I swear my grandmother is permanently attached to her hip. Hope she likes threesomes. Probably shouldn't have sent Mom a book about how to be a person though. Doesn't win you any brownie points on this end of the field. Ignorance is no escuse.
• Cousin Dippy & her Husband Deaf-Boy - Don't care that you are "disabled". You are no more disabled then the rest of this messed up lot. Not to mention that "disablity" has never been an excuse for STUPIDITY! You aren't my family. Your wife was adopted. She was only adopted because she wasn't getting enough attention at the time. The proof of that is the fact that she now cares more about her biological POS than the man who worked his fingers to the bone raising her with love. Neither one of you are worth the air you breathe.

Now, after months of silence on this matter, why am I suddenly up in arms about it?

It all has to do with my Grandmother's family. My Grandmother is one of four children. We'll call them Grandma, Uncle C, Uncle D (his wife Aunt B) and Uncle J (his wife Aunt M).

Since this is mainly about how you treat your kids, we're going to take Uncle C out of the picture because he has no children and has never been married. That being said, here's the situation:

1. My Grandmother has 4 children. She has only one daughter. She could care less if her daughter is part of her life. She would probably care less if she died.
2. Aunt B has umpteen children. She has only one daughter. She could care less if her daughter is part of her life. Her daughter almost died of liver cancer and she never cared.
3. Aunt M has three children. She has two daughters. She loves BOTH her daughters UNCONDITIONALLY. She would do anything in her power for her children.

Three women and only one of them gives a crap about her own daughters. So here's the real kicker. The one woman who cares about her children, loves them unconditionally, is about to lose one of them to cancer. HOW FUCKING FAIR IS THAT!!

No one deserves to lose their child. No one should have to suffer that loss. I'm not saying that I'd rather my Mother or my Aunt died. I'm just saying it isn't right that people who love their children lose them, while people who base thier lives on hurting their own kids never have to face such a loss.

--------------------------

Message to God: On the Commandments

1) Only an insecure God would be fearful that I might worship other Gods.

2) Only an insignificant God would feel threatened by meer words.

3) Only an egotistical God would demand 1/7th of my life be spent idly worshipping him.

4) Only an ignorant God would ask me to honor a man like my Father.

5) Only an ashamed God would view sex as a crime.

6) Only an unseeing God would justify materialism when people are starving.

7) Only an unhearing God would think the truth is always right. (Truth hurts)

8) Only an unrealistic God would think it a sin to wish for something.

9) Only a sexist God would distinguish sins by gender.

AND

10) Only a hypocritical God would make it sinful for Man but not himself or in his name.

And in case this post inspires you to PRAY for MY SOUL, please keep this in mind:

If YOU are right and GOD is as you say, HE will either forgive me based upon MY thoughts and actions or HE won't. I would not change what I have done, said, or felt.

If MY MOTHER is right, and I have fallen short, then I will return to try again.

If DADDY DEAREST is right, then we simply die and decompose.

I DON'T NEED ANYONE WASTING TIME AND OXYGEN ON PRAYERS FOR MY SALVATION. I don't need prayer mats in my mailbox, ministers reading books, pamphlets in my doors, or comments reassuring me that God is with us. Give your time to your family. Give your time to your God. Give your time to those who truly need and want salvation. Leave me out of your tax-exempt, money making, world-controlling, mind-washing schemes!

Thank You!

Happy Valentines Day

After an hour and a half of shopping we decided that Kays doesn't want to sell jewelry.  The sales clerk had an empty store (I quickly learned why) and simply pointed us in the direction of their rings and the catalogue.  Then watched from the register as if we might leap over the counter and grab it at any moment.

 

Luckily, the wonderful girl at ZALES was more than happy to cater to my endless uncertainty in what I wanted.  I bet she showed us two dozen rings over the course of three seperate visits.

 

I must say, I fell madly in love with this beautiful garnet ring that is fit for a queen.  This picture does in NO JUSTICE.  Serious, a side view of this ring is gorgeous.  Fist it sticks off your hand about a full half inch and the diamond embellishments go down the sides of the ring in a U-shape under the garnet.  Along the sides there are also two more garnets (one on each side) - the small rim of gold along the bottom of the central garnet in the picture shows where these two gems are.  It's absolutely fit for royalty.

But I digress.  It was simply far too much ring for me.  Don't get me wrong.  I'd definately wear it if he bought it.  But it's a lot of ring for such a small hand.

 

So the final decision was a beautiful cluster diamond ring.

And just so you don't FREAK out.  No, it is still NOT OFFICIAL!!  This was JUST my PRESENT!!

 

But you probably oughta get used to the general idea because we all know it's going to happen one of these days, we're just not gonna break the bank to get there in a hurry.  It's just a minor formality at this point and we'll get around to it when the stars align just right.

 

Meanwhile, I'm loving that ring!!

 

Have a great week!

---

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

Dear Readers

Okay... lets do a quick recap to get back on the right page.

December:

10th - Killer ice storm hits. We lose power for a week. Go stay with the in-laws. As much as we enjoyed their hospitality, it was definately good to get to come back home.

21st - Ballet Recital. Ellie sat through the whole thing without fussing. Fabulous child! Wonderful show! BRAVO to Court for her performance.

23rd - Christmas with the in-laws. Wonderful time. Hope everyone enjoyed it as much as we did.

24th - Christmas with Grandparents. No, not those assholes that branch off my family tree. The full-blow Catholic family that doesn't seem to mind Daddy & Me not being married. Funny that they can be so HUMAN and my own biological family cannot pull their heads out of their asses long enough to say "I'M SORRY". It was a wonderful dinner (always is) and no one said anything bad about anyone else in the family (even those that weren't there!). SO THAT'S HOW FAMILY IS SUPPOSED TO ACT! Learn something new all the time.

25th - Christmas in Kansas City. The first Christmas with the other half of the full-blow Catholic family. AMAZING. Not a single person spoke badly of anyone else here either! Everyone was happy to see us and no one seems to mind the "unmarried couple" or our sinful ways. Everyone was pleasant and welcoming. Maybe my family should start some religious cult so they at least have an excuse for why they are such assholes. Because if the Catholics can overlook things that strictly go against their faith (for the sake of family) you would certainly think those back-woods, under-educated, hypocritical hillbillies that branch off my family tree could suck up enough courtesy to be CIVIL!

26th - DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS SALES. My parents came for Christmas. It was fabulous to have them. I love that someone actually got to have a holiday in my own home. We loved having them here. Of course I bought way too many snacks and food but I think that's always the case when you have company. Thanks a bunch to Mom & Dad for everything. Hope you can visit again soon.

The rest of the holidays flew by uneventfully fast.

January

11th - Happy Birthday To Me. Mrs. B and her brother watched Miss Ellie so Daddy could take me out. We went to dinner at Old Chicago and then off to see a movie. SWEENY TODD. LOVED IT. Had a great time. THANKS A BUNCH!

17th - Daddy watched Miss Ellie so Mrs. B and I could go out for one last girl's night out & Happy Birthday to ME. Had dinner at IHOP (LOVE STUFFED FRENCH TOAST!) and then went to see THE BUCKET LIST. We decided if we're ever both dying that will so be US!! CRIED. Damn movies that make me LEAK! Loved it though. THANKS A BUNCH!

After that, January flew by uneventfully fast.

February

SICK SICK SICK SICK
Don't even know when we got sick. We've all been sick. I'm still walking around coughing like someone who just walked out of the coal mines. Okay. That's extreme, but I'd really like to kick the cough.

V-Day - It was colder than crap. Daddy wanted to take me out to dinner and a movie, but I said I'd just as soon stay home and have dinner and a movie in the warmth of a cozy blanket. It was so! We'll go out when the weather is more presentable. At the rate winter's been going this year, it might warm up sometime in June! The snow might melt by August!

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT! THE 4-1-1 on everything you've missed.

Okay, not EVERYTHING. There were some X-rated moments I left out for the sake of you're own well being.

Oh, I forgot to mention that in the midst of this whole messy, sloppy, slushy winter, I've been fighting a ridiculous battle with the housing commitee. IDIOTS!

The whole things started when we came home on my birthday to find tow notices on my vehicles. They've been parked in the same place for 2 years and it suddenly became a NO PARKING AREA. Here's the real kicker though. They put these 5x8 stickers on the windows of several cars stating they would tow them. However, due to a lack of parking ordinance in town, they have no right to tow vehicles. Plus, the idiots don't even know where the property line is, so they aren't even sure if these vehicles were parked on their property or not. Luckily, I'm not vendictive enough to file vandalism charges. Instead, I go to all their meetings and drag them out way longer than they need to because they have to listen to me put my two cents in on all the rules and regulations they're trying to pass. So at the January meeting, they had to table the parking issue. Later they had a special meeting to try and resolve the matter.

Next week there is another meeting that I get to go to. If I had some bright orange clothes, I'd dress as an inmate. Our new rule books state that we cannot swear. We can't own flammable items. Children cannot play on the sidewalks, in the buildings, or in the street (so much for chasing headlights!). I can lose my home if someone I know gets arrested (even if they aren't convicted). I have to have curtains, but I need written permission to put up a curtain rod. I'm responsible for cleaning up after my neighbors pets. All decorations must be approved by management. AND I'm not allowed to do anything, own anything, or think about anything that might offend someone else.

Okay, so I might be taking things a bit to an extreme, but seriously, if you read our new book you would see how ridiculous this stuff is.

I've been tempted to send condoms to all the board members to let them know if they're going to screw me, please use protection!

It's been hectic and I still need to find time to get thank you's out. Yes I know it's late, but better than never.

ANYWAY! You now have a full update. As far as pictures. I still haven't taken them off my camera or phone. When I do, I'll be sure to get them posted for you viewing pleasure. SO LAY OFF!!

Love and happy belated holidays.
Ellie's Mommie