Dear Evil Munchkin From the Flaming Realms of OZ:

I realize that this is a very small apartment, but there are only 2.5 people living in it at this time and I simply see no reason why it needs to look like a tornado went through it. Seriously, if I start digging through things, I imagine I will find two feet sticking out from under the edge of a wall, complete with ruby slippers!

I will take partial responsibility for the dirty dishes piling up on the counter. I can even accept the trash that is waiting to be hauled out (can't take trash out while there's a maniac on the loose - at least that's my excuse!) Not to mention the fact that I'm too busy following your strange gremlin tracks around in the hopes that I can catch you and make you take the trash out!

However, I simply cannot understand the 15,000 Starburst wrappers that are fornicating on my desk! And what's with the miniture armada of paper airplanes sitting on the printer?

Honestly, your fun little games are not amusing me. I was especially not impressed when you decided to start breaking various appliances. I realize we don't have the newest appliances, and things are bound to break from time to time, but was it honestly necessary to break both the fridge door and the television at once?

Okay, so maybe we should have taken a closer look when the fridge door didn't shut the first time. Maybe, instead of assuming it was just a piece of shit that didn't seal on the first push, we should have investigated. Maybe slamming the door and cussing at it was not the correct reaction. But who in their right mind would have guessed that something was stuck in the door and that the bottom hinge would break as a result of slamming it? Do you realize how many times I've slammed that fridge door? Why? Because it's notorious for being a piece of shit. Who would have guessed it would actually break? I fully believe that you, Evil Munchkin, waited until the perfect moment to place a small, seemingly invisible item in the door to purposely break it. I am not amused! Though I am greatly appreciative of my brand spanking new fridge, I do not believe that you intended such good fortune to fall upon us. As a result, I am now determined that you hide in our new refridgerator and freeze my milk despite the fact that the fridge is set to the lowest (warmest) setting!! WTF?!?!

And the TV!! What did the TV ever do to you? Okay, so the plastic casing had a little crack in it from when Daddy Dearest tripped over it in the middle of the night. No big deal. But why, when Daddy Dearest decided that the picture on the small TV was better, did you decide to chisel away at the crack until Daddy Dearest sat the TV down and the whole thing collapsed? Was that necessary? Do you realize how ghetto my TV looks now? Yes, I like the big TV better, but you can't read the words on the guide and you can't read the captions on the storm warnings and you can't tell if the thing in the background is a tree or the serial killer sneaking up, but hey. I only watch 2 shows: House and Law & Order. If it's House, I assume the guy on the ground is sick. If it's Law & Order, I assume the guy on the ground is dead. Yes, I could put the big TV back up until we can pick up Daddy Dearest's TV this weekend, but I decided it's kind of nice getting to watch more than two shows, since I can actually read the guide to know what they are! So yes, I will watch my ghetto, backless TV that is being supported by a poisonous jar of toxic Peter Pan peanut butter. I will smile at the creativity of Daddy Dearest and hope that I don't have any unexpected guests in the next few days. And I will laugh as I force Daddy Dearest to throw a fully functioning TV into the dumpster because HONESTLY, we are not that FUCKING POOR that we need to keep a 20-inch backless TV around "just in case".

So as you can see, Evil Munchkin, I am in no way impressed with your Full Moon antics. Making a soda can explode on Daddy Dearest right before he headed to work. Not cool! Mysteriously knocking down anything in my shower that is held up with a suction cup (especially in the middle of the night). Annoying! And what the hell are you doing with all of my fingernail clippers? I swear!

I have had to place tracking beacons on all of my socks, since you insist on following me to the washer and stealing them. I now count socks before I take them to the washer, as I place them in the washer, as I place them in the dryer, and again when I fold them. I have so far managed to keep all socks paired with an appropriate match. I believe instead that you are now stealing underwear and silverware. I hate to fathom what strange place setting you have created in your Evil Munchkin dining room.

I am hereby issuing a warrant for your immediate eviction from this apartment. All individuals have been informed to squish you on site. If you cannot behave like a civilized part of society, I will be forced to call in an exterminator. Don't think for one moment that your band of cavity-ridden Lollipop kids and your flying monkeys will be able to protect you.

Sincerely,
The Great and Powerful Ellie's Mommie!!