Fairytales and Funny Letters

Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away, there lived a beautiful princess in a magnificent palace. And every morning the princess would wake with a beautiful smile and kiss her parents and tell them how much she loved them....

Okay, I'm full of shit! Honestly it wasn't a land far away... it was Kansas... and it wasn't a beautiful princess... it was a deceptively gorgeous baby girl who was secretly hiding her demon heritage behind those pretty eyes... and it wasn't a palace, it was a 1-bedroom low-income apartment that certainly doesn't have enough room for the spoiled princess's toys... and she didn't wake every morning with a smile, she screamed to be fed and changed and played with... and she didn't tell her parents she loved them, she PUKED on everything they owned and when especially thrilled she even PUKED on them!!

That being said...

Dear Mrs. Mother of the Flaming Psycho -
Maybe, if your daughter hadn't threatened to KILL the housing director she wouldn't be getting kicked out. Maybe if your daughter didn't leave her kids home alone all the time, she wouldn't be having all these problems. Maybe if you daughter had one ounce of human decency this wouldn't have happened. And MAYBE trying to run her car through the housing director's front lawn at 6 AM wasn't the smartest thing she could have done. So maybe she shouldn't be talking about what a bitch the housing director is and how it's all her fault! Maybe, you should turn her over your knee and give her the proper paddling she deserves rather than trying to ruin the housing director's life. And MAYBE if you come to my apartment with a tape recorder, I will not only tell you how much I like the housing director, but also let loose with how much I hate that bitch that used to live in the apartment down on the end! Yes, we're having a block party to celebrate her eviction. Yes, we are all very happy she is gone. Granted, I had alterior motives for wanting her gone (i.e. empty 3-bedroom means my neighbor moves out & I get her 2-bedroom!) However, I still think your daughter is a bitch and am very happy that she is gone!
Good Riddens!

Dear Student Who Didn't Think I Could Give a Detention,
Luckily for you, the fact that you mistook me for an 18-year-old high school student saved your butt and made me feel extremely generous. Plus, I got quite a laugh out of the fact that you were shocked to know I had a child. Normally I give out A's for such "flattery" however, the fact that you refused to read during class and thought I was lying made me a little less generous.
Be More Careful

Dear Neighbor's Soon To Be Ex-Husband,
I realize that in your mixed up little brain you somehow believe that you are a more fitting parent for your son. However, I find it very hard to believe that you could handle one night alone with your child when you can't even bother to take him on the days he is scheduled to be with you. You can't take him on weekends because it will interfere with your "plans." You can't take him when he has an ear infection because he'll keep you up all night. You can't keep him if you have to work, or hang out, or pee. Do the world a favor and stop trying to villify the one GOOD parent he has in his life. Oh, and don't bother trying to make a bad guy out of Mommy's boyfriend either because frankly, he does more for the kid that you do. I give tons of points to any guy who goes out and buys diapers for his girlfriend's child because Daddy didn't do it!
Dead beat!

Dear High School Girl Who's Playing Both Sides of the Fence,
You seriously need to grow up. As if two people in the middle of a divorce don't have enough issues, you have to go back and forth filling Daddy in on the details of Mommy. That would be entirely one thing, except that in your little teenage mind there is not enough excitement around so you decide to stretch the truth and tell him that Mommy doesn't take care of the kid, has drugs in her house, doesn't clean and is lazy. Seriously! GET A LIFE! And don't try to tell me she's lazy either because I live right next door! DUH!!
Take thy DRAMA elsewhere!

Dear People Who Think They Want To Visit Me:
I hope you are prepared to put up with all the local DRAMA, or that you are equipped with ANTI-DRAMA suits to repell the deadly effects of other people's fucked up lives.
Good Luck

----*----
P.S.

Dear Neighbors New Husband,
I'm sorry you had the unfortunate business of meeting my former MISTAKE at one point, but I have to be honest. I laughed my ass off at this... "Did they call him Whitesnake?"... "Well, honestly I thought he was a FAG!"
ROTFLMFAO for a WEEK!!!

And P.S.S.

Dear Willie,
I realize that you were rather shocked to have three good looking girls tell you good-bye when you were playing pool at RCM last weekend. I know that you were trying very hard to figure out who we were. I'm sorry that I didn't come up and say hello to you when you came in, but frankly, I didn't like you much when I was married to your cousin so I didn't see the point. So, since I'm feeling sorry for the fact that you've been racking your brain to figure it out, I decided to give your balls a break and fill you in. I'm the BITCH who used to be married to that ALBINO asshole cousin of yours. Now stop scratching and the chafing will go away soon!

Dear Evil Munchkin From the Flaming Realms of OZ:

I realize that this is a very small apartment, but there are only 2.5 people living in it at this time and I simply see no reason why it needs to look like a tornado went through it. Seriously, if I start digging through things, I imagine I will find two feet sticking out from under the edge of a wall, complete with ruby slippers!

I will take partial responsibility for the dirty dishes piling up on the counter. I can even accept the trash that is waiting to be hauled out (can't take trash out while there's a maniac on the loose - at least that's my excuse!) Not to mention the fact that I'm too busy following your strange gremlin tracks around in the hopes that I can catch you and make you take the trash out!

However, I simply cannot understand the 15,000 Starburst wrappers that are fornicating on my desk! And what's with the miniture armada of paper airplanes sitting on the printer?

Honestly, your fun little games are not amusing me. I was especially not impressed when you decided to start breaking various appliances. I realize we don't have the newest appliances, and things are bound to break from time to time, but was it honestly necessary to break both the fridge door and the television at once?

Okay, so maybe we should have taken a closer look when the fridge door didn't shut the first time. Maybe, instead of assuming it was just a piece of shit that didn't seal on the first push, we should have investigated. Maybe slamming the door and cussing at it was not the correct reaction. But who in their right mind would have guessed that something was stuck in the door and that the bottom hinge would break as a result of slamming it? Do you realize how many times I've slammed that fridge door? Why? Because it's notorious for being a piece of shit. Who would have guessed it would actually break? I fully believe that you, Evil Munchkin, waited until the perfect moment to place a small, seemingly invisible item in the door to purposely break it. I am not amused! Though I am greatly appreciative of my brand spanking new fridge, I do not believe that you intended such good fortune to fall upon us. As a result, I am now determined that you hide in our new refridgerator and freeze my milk despite the fact that the fridge is set to the lowest (warmest) setting!! WTF?!?!

And the TV!! What did the TV ever do to you? Okay, so the plastic casing had a little crack in it from when Daddy Dearest tripped over it in the middle of the night. No big deal. But why, when Daddy Dearest decided that the picture on the small TV was better, did you decide to chisel away at the crack until Daddy Dearest sat the TV down and the whole thing collapsed? Was that necessary? Do you realize how ghetto my TV looks now? Yes, I like the big TV better, but you can't read the words on the guide and you can't read the captions on the storm warnings and you can't tell if the thing in the background is a tree or the serial killer sneaking up, but hey. I only watch 2 shows: House and Law & Order. If it's House, I assume the guy on the ground is sick. If it's Law & Order, I assume the guy on the ground is dead. Yes, I could put the big TV back up until we can pick up Daddy Dearest's TV this weekend, but I decided it's kind of nice getting to watch more than two shows, since I can actually read the guide to know what they are! So yes, I will watch my ghetto, backless TV that is being supported by a poisonous jar of toxic Peter Pan peanut butter. I will smile at the creativity of Daddy Dearest and hope that I don't have any unexpected guests in the next few days. And I will laugh as I force Daddy Dearest to throw a fully functioning TV into the dumpster because HONESTLY, we are not that FUCKING POOR that we need to keep a 20-inch backless TV around "just in case".

So as you can see, Evil Munchkin, I am in no way impressed with your Full Moon antics. Making a soda can explode on Daddy Dearest right before he headed to work. Not cool! Mysteriously knocking down anything in my shower that is held up with a suction cup (especially in the middle of the night). Annoying! And what the hell are you doing with all of my fingernail clippers? I swear!

I have had to place tracking beacons on all of my socks, since you insist on following me to the washer and stealing them. I now count socks before I take them to the washer, as I place them in the washer, as I place them in the dryer, and again when I fold them. I have so far managed to keep all socks paired with an appropriate match. I believe instead that you are now stealing underwear and silverware. I hate to fathom what strange place setting you have created in your Evil Munchkin dining room.

I am hereby issuing a warrant for your immediate eviction from this apartment. All individuals have been informed to squish you on site. If you cannot behave like a civilized part of society, I will be forced to call in an exterminator. Don't think for one moment that your band of cavity-ridden Lollipop kids and your flying monkeys will be able to protect you.

Sincerely,
The Great and Powerful Ellie's Mommie!!

Proof of Life

Random Conversation for your entertainment (On our anniversary in the hotel spa)

Me: Once upon a time there was a...
Daddy Dearest: MAN
Me: And he wanted to...
DD: F#CK
Me: But he didn't have a...
DD: CONDOM
Me: So he used a...
DD: NAPKIN
Me: But it...
DD: BROKE
Me: And so he...
DD: DIED!!
Me: The End

Yes, I'm Alive

Yes, it's true. All is well here in OZ... unfortunately I haven't hadmuch time to keep you all informed of the news and updates. A little girl with an ear infection has been taking most of my time. Yes, Daddy has been doing his fair share, but when I've had a free moment, I've been socializing with my neighbors or catching up on some much needed sleep.

First things first. Since we all know you'd rather see more pictures of Ellie than read my ramblings. NEW PICS are now on Ellie's site. Some of them are from clear back in June. I posted them today with dates and later I'll go back and put them in June where they belong. The newest ones were taken today. She's been very cooperative this evening so I thought I'd snap some quick pics since Daddy had her dressed in my favorite onsie. So go get your BABY FIX!

Though these aren't nearly as good as my Mom's storm pics, this was the freaky storm that came through on July 12th. All was quiet and then suddenly the wind came up and BOOM! It was moving too quick to really do much (crossed the county in 30 minutes!) but there was some cool dipping and twisting in the clouds.


And for those of you who desperately need humor in your lives, here's my neighbor's 16-month-old daughter proving that NOT EVERYTHING IN KANSAS IS FLAT!!
Yes, we're just a bunch of Midwestern Misfits!! We're true Americans...
REDneck,
WHITE trash,
BLUE collar!!!

The Sexual Orientation of the Alphabet

Fuckin' A!
Fuck a B... it has more holes
Fuck a C... it's looser
You fuck the B... I want to fuck the Y
No... the Y has a penis! You'll need to fuck the O
So what about the Q? Is it already getting fucked?
I don't know, but I'm sure you couldn't handle the T
No, I personally wanna fuck the P because it's got it all.
Are you sure the P isn't just a D with a strap-on?
Well, I'm not sure about that, but I do believe the Y is just a V with a strap-on.
What about the R? It has two dicks!!
This conversation is very obsurd!
I know, but what about all the letters we've left out?
You know the poor G is like, "Man, what about me? I'm like a C with a piercing!"
I don't even want to ask about the J and S!
My deepest appologies to the E, F, H, I, K, L, M, N, U, W, X, and Z

*This oughta bring the wierdos crawling out of the woodwork!

Horny Bastards are Frothing At the Bit

Okay, I'd love nothing more than to satisfy the insatiable needs of blogland (I'm a tramp like that!) but honestly, my "ASS," as my Mother so kindly puts it, is currently owned by a rather demanding individual (not Daddy Dearest, poor guy can't remember the last time he got some "ass"...was that too much? oh well, you asked for it).

Anyway, since my darling daughter insists that she needs to be the center of attention for most of the day... what is a mother to do? I thought about putting her in the baby sling and hanging her off the side of the desk, but unless I super-glued the pacifier in her mouth, I'm afraid she'd still object.

On the up side, she decided to develop a sleeping schedule. For three days in a row she was going to bed a little before midnight & sleeping straight through (minus a couple of feedings) until 9:30 am. The down side? We let her sleep all of one day because we were rearranging the bedroom and now that wonderful sleep schedule went out with the dirty diapers. Back to SQUARE ONE... which is just to the left of HELL!

Good thing is that Ell now has her own personal corner in the bedroom. Bad thing is that she refuses to spend any time in the bedroom unless she is asleep on MOMMIE'S BED!!

... on a lighter note, I'd like to publish this letter ...

Dear Mr. Postman who was sleeping in his vehicle at 3 PM in the park,

I now know why my mail is always late!!

Thank you!

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
I was tempted to blare on the horn as we passed him, but then I decided he was only delivering bills so who the hell cared.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

So our lives have been filled with tons of intellectual conversations.

Case in point:

*on trip to Nebraska*
Daddy Dearest: That tower looks like it has ping pong paddles on it!
Daddy Dearest: Oh Wait! They're bottle caps!
Daddy Dearest: Nope! They're modern indian drums!
Daddy Dearest: They just automatically go off on schedule
Daddy Dearest (in American Indian voice): Teepee burn down, Squaw run off, Horses die, Casino go under, We eat hogs, I sell my hair, Make good Tampons!! (by now voice is East Indian)
Me: *laughing hysterically, throws notebook on car floor*
Daddy Dearest: Release everything! Can't hold onto this! Must focus on breathing!
Daddy Dearest: Rub belly pat head, rub belly pat head, rub belly pat head! SHIT! Rub belly rub belly rub belly!!

As you can see, our car was clearly leaking some form of toxic gas into the vehicle which created this strange state of non-sense delerium. Not convinced! Try this conversation on for size:

Daddy Dearest: *something about Cantaloupe*
Me: We can too elope!
Daddy Dearest: No we can't!
Me: *Discussion about telling people we're already married*
Daddy Dearest: *Comments that we could stage a wedding complete with rented tux and dress*
Daddy Dearest: We'll even rent the bouquets!!
Daddy Dearest: OOOHHH!! I want a bOOOOOkie!
Me: *laughing hysterically* You're DELERIOUS!! *more laughter* bOOOOOkie!!
Daddy Dearest: bOOOOOkie? I don't know no Bookie! I don't read BOOKS!!
Me: *laughing & trying to speak*
Daddy Dearest: Mrs. B!!! (refers to a previous conversation not worth mentioning)
Me: *more laughter & tries to comment* B-b-bo...
Daddy Dearest: (interupting) BOO! Boob! Boobobee!!
Daddy Dearest: "Hi! I am BOOBOBEE!!"
Daddy Dearest: Let's name our son BOO-BO-BEE!!

Now, as much as I would truely love to blame these non-sense conversations on toxic gases, recreational drug use, or 80's flashbacks, I am reluctant to admit that this is just a fact of our lives. Even now, the insane subject matter continues to haunt me.

If you have watched the new animated series "Lil' Bush" this will be a lot more hilarious too you, but in case you haven't I'll give you a little background. The series has Bush Sr. as president and all of today's politicians are just kids. The character Lil' Cheney goes around constantly saying "Raar, raar, raar, ((random statement)), raar, raar!" That being said, this insanity has trickled into our brains and has become the new "silence breaker" in our home. When there is nothing to say (or we're too braindead to form logical conversations) we simply spew off these random statements...

Raar, raar, raar, POTATO CHIP raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, MOO COW raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, WHIPS & CHAINS raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CRYING BABY raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, SCARY CLOWN raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CANDY BAR raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, STRIP POKER raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, UGLY NEIGHBOR raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, JUNE BUG raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CABAGE PATCH KID raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, ANAL SEX (Was that too much? Sorry!)

You get the drift! It's been mind boggling around here!

And on a final note... let me leave you with some lyrics (sung to some symphony that I knew until I tried to think of it!)

If you are in the other room, then you will hear me,
If you are in the other room, then you will hear me,
I'll scream out loud
I'll scream out loud
I'll scream out VERRRRYYY LOUD!
Where is my blankie?
Or my binkie?
Or my baba?
Where is my blankie?
Or my binkie?
Or my baba?
Where is my BABA?
Where is my BABA?
Where is my BA-BA-BAAA?
Oh no my tummy
It hurts when I throw up...

So, yeah... You can thank Daddy Dearest for not only giving up the computer, but babysitting for the last couple of hours so that I had time to entertain your selfish asses!! And just in case the thought crossed your mind to critisize... his poker check came today and all I can say is "SHUT THE FUCK UP! HE MAKES MORE ON THIS COMPUTER THAN I MAKE IN TWO MONTHS OF WORK SO HE CAN HAVE IT ALL HE WANTS!!" Besides, if you checked your site meters you know I've been here, I just haven't been in the state of mind to think of something creative!

So now I've taken time to satisfy your blogland needs (leave the money on the dresser!) if you don't mind I'm going to go satisfy myself (selfish bastards didn't even offer me a kiss!) But honetly, I have a patriotic manicure that has been in the making (one layer at a time) for the past five hours (just enough time for one coat to dry between Ell's screaming fits). So if you don't mind, I'm going to go paint the stars on my right hand and consider painting my toe nails with pretty spring flowers.

So put your damn clothes back on and lock the door on the way out!!

...................................................................................
FOR SALE: Bottled baby puke and dirty diapers. No questions asked. All sales final. Product may vary.

A Break From the Pictures!

Are you all tired of the pictures? Sick of seeing all this cutesy wootsey baby stuff?

Good! ME TOO! So I got online today & decided to check out what my lovely daughter had been up to. Here's what I found when I searched "Ellie goes":

• Ellie goes potty- why yes she does! Very often she goes potty on her Daddy while he's trying to change her diaper.
• Ellie goes to visit her, but she's been transferred to a psychiatric institution - I wish they'd let me know when Grandma Bulldog gets herself locked up. That's a long way to travel only to find out Granny's gone whacko again.
• Ellie goes over and peers around the corner in time to see Scary Clown - Yes, Mommie already has instilled the fear of clowns in Baby Ellie. We can't have Daddy convincing her that a clown costume would be fun for Halloween!
• Ellie goes downstairs to eat chocolate breakfast - Is there something wrong with chocolate for breakfast? I think Grandpa's chocolate frosted cake makes a good breakfast!
• Ellie goes to his jacket and yanks out his stash - No, that's Mommie's stash!
• Ellie goes to the moon AND Ellie goes on a travel to the stars - Yes honey, you can be an astronaut when you grow up (if you don't mind your Mother chaining you in the basement the first time you mention space-travel!)
• Ellie goes for the cereal and then charges the camera - Yes, I too keep my camera near my cereal for those impromptu time when my breakfast involves a "Kodak moment"!
• Ellie goes "a little mental" - Well, that's likely to happen. Look at her parents.
• Ellie goes to therapy - We're already raising funds for her therapist bills.
• Ellie goes on a shotgun wielding vendetta - I knew she'd make me proud someday!
• Ellie goes off to get mad at someone else - Much to the relief of her parents.
• Ellie goes on her joyride - Was it in a golf-cart?
• Ellie goes ballistic - If Daddy changes the diaper when she wanted a boob!!
• Ellie goes through the wormhole and sees the universe around her - Yeah, we'll definately have to have a talk about her ACID problem! That was just too "Alice In Wonderland" for me.
• Ellie goes to an escourt agency - Could be worse. She could marry the guy!
• Ellie goes bush bashing in her bare feet - Watch out for those thorny bushes!!
• Ellie goes into the machine; the door seals her inside - We're designing the plans now, but the general purpose will be to isolate her from BOYS until she's 30-ish!!
• Ellie goes off after the aliens, and then she plays Marco Polo - Do aliens know how to play Marco Polo? Sounds like a lot of fun!!
• Ellie goes to a rendezvous in a burnt out reasearch facility - Sorry baby, you weren't a test tube baby. We really are your parents!
• Ellie goes mad at our reflection in the kitchen window at night - It's the vampire blood in her. Everyone knows that my family fears sunlight and lives in dusty tombs. She was bound to inherit some ill effect from us.
• Ellie goes crazy
• Ellie goes under the house and eats the rest - This is most disturbing to me. All I can think of is some B-rated Zombi flick! rrrraaaaawwwwwrrrrrr!!! But maybe she just likes to nibble on her PB&J under the house.
• Ellie goes to the back door and jumps in circles - Then her head spins around and she spits pea-soup on Daddy before he can put the diaper on her butt!
• Ellie goes into shock and remains in a semi-catatonic state for several days - Must have stumbled onto Grandma Bulldog's blog site!
• Ellie goes crazy - It was bound to happen. We're not shocked! Insanity has never been a crime in this family!!

And that was my cheap entertainment for the day!! Hope you enjoyed!!

*``~....~```~....~```~....~```~....~```*

On another note:

If I am ever sentenced to jail for anything, I'm going to insist on special needs housing (reserved for politicians, celebrities, etc) because I consider myself a blog celebrity (and I clearly have "special" needs). I am also going to demand that I get some of my days knocked off for good behavior (you know, like showing up for court!)

Also, many thanks to the parents of the poker player on TV right now. His last name is WEINER and I simply could not contain my laughter if you had blessed him with the first name of Harry, Shorty or Curly!!