The Sexual Orientation of the Alphabet

Fuckin' A!
Fuck a B... it has more holes
Fuck a C... it's looser
You fuck the B... I want to fuck the Y
No... the Y has a penis! You'll need to fuck the O
So what about the Q? Is it already getting fucked?
I don't know, but I'm sure you couldn't handle the T
No, I personally wanna fuck the P because it's got it all.
Are you sure the P isn't just a D with a strap-on?
Well, I'm not sure about that, but I do believe the Y is just a V with a strap-on.
What about the R? It has two dicks!!
This conversation is very obsurd!
I know, but what about all the letters we've left out?
You know the poor G is like, "Man, what about me? I'm like a C with a piercing!"
I don't even want to ask about the J and S!
My deepest appologies to the E, F, H, I, K, L, M, N, U, W, X, and Z

*This oughta bring the wierdos crawling out of the woodwork!

Horny Bastards are Frothing At the Bit

Okay, I'd love nothing more than to satisfy the insatiable needs of blogland (I'm a tramp like that!) but honestly, my "ASS," as my Mother so kindly puts it, is currently owned by a rather demanding individual (not Daddy Dearest, poor guy can't remember the last time he got some "ass"...was that too much? oh well, you asked for it).

Anyway, since my darling daughter insists that she needs to be the center of attention for most of the day... what is a mother to do? I thought about putting her in the baby sling and hanging her off the side of the desk, but unless I super-glued the pacifier in her mouth, I'm afraid she'd still object.

On the up side, she decided to develop a sleeping schedule. For three days in a row she was going to bed a little before midnight & sleeping straight through (minus a couple of feedings) until 9:30 am. The down side? We let her sleep all of one day because we were rearranging the bedroom and now that wonderful sleep schedule went out with the dirty diapers. Back to SQUARE ONE... which is just to the left of HELL!

Good thing is that Ell now has her own personal corner in the bedroom. Bad thing is that she refuses to spend any time in the bedroom unless she is asleep on MOMMIE'S BED!!

... on a lighter note, I'd like to publish this letter ...

Dear Mr. Postman who was sleeping in his vehicle at 3 PM in the park,

I now know why my mail is always late!!

Thank you!

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
I was tempted to blare on the horn as we passed him, but then I decided he was only delivering bills so who the hell cared.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

So our lives have been filled with tons of intellectual conversations.

Case in point:

*on trip to Nebraska*
Daddy Dearest: That tower looks like it has ping pong paddles on it!
Daddy Dearest: Oh Wait! They're bottle caps!
Daddy Dearest: Nope! They're modern indian drums!
Daddy Dearest: They just automatically go off on schedule
Daddy Dearest (in American Indian voice): Teepee burn down, Squaw run off, Horses die, Casino go under, We eat hogs, I sell my hair, Make good Tampons!! (by now voice is East Indian)
Me: *laughing hysterically, throws notebook on car floor*
Daddy Dearest: Release everything! Can't hold onto this! Must focus on breathing!
Daddy Dearest: Rub belly pat head, rub belly pat head, rub belly pat head! SHIT! Rub belly rub belly rub belly!!

As you can see, our car was clearly leaking some form of toxic gas into the vehicle which created this strange state of non-sense delerium. Not convinced! Try this conversation on for size:

Daddy Dearest: *something about Cantaloupe*
Me: We can too elope!
Daddy Dearest: No we can't!
Me: *Discussion about telling people we're already married*
Daddy Dearest: *Comments that we could stage a wedding complete with rented tux and dress*
Daddy Dearest: We'll even rent the bouquets!!
Daddy Dearest: OOOHHH!! I want a bOOOOOkie!
Me: *laughing hysterically* You're DELERIOUS!! *more laughter* bOOOOOkie!!
Daddy Dearest: bOOOOOkie? I don't know no Bookie! I don't read BOOKS!!
Me: *laughing & trying to speak*
Daddy Dearest: Mrs. B!!! (refers to a previous conversation not worth mentioning)
Me: *more laughter & tries to comment* B-b-bo...
Daddy Dearest: (interupting) BOO! Boob! Boobobee!!
Daddy Dearest: "Hi! I am BOOBOBEE!!"
Daddy Dearest: Let's name our son BOO-BO-BEE!!

Now, as much as I would truely love to blame these non-sense conversations on toxic gases, recreational drug use, or 80's flashbacks, I am reluctant to admit that this is just a fact of our lives. Even now, the insane subject matter continues to haunt me.

If you have watched the new animated series "Lil' Bush" this will be a lot more hilarious too you, but in case you haven't I'll give you a little background. The series has Bush Sr. as president and all of today's politicians are just kids. The character Lil' Cheney goes around constantly saying "Raar, raar, raar, ((random statement)), raar, raar!" That being said, this insanity has trickled into our brains and has become the new "silence breaker" in our home. When there is nothing to say (or we're too braindead to form logical conversations) we simply spew off these random statements...

Raar, raar, raar, POTATO CHIP raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, MOO COW raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, WHIPS & CHAINS raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CRYING BABY raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, SCARY CLOWN raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CANDY BAR raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, STRIP POKER raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, UGLY NEIGHBOR raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, JUNE BUG raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CABAGE PATCH KID raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, ANAL SEX (Was that too much? Sorry!)

You get the drift! It's been mind boggling around here!

And on a final note... let me leave you with some lyrics (sung to some symphony that I knew until I tried to think of it!)

If you are in the other room, then you will hear me,
If you are in the other room, then you will hear me,
I'll scream out loud
I'll scream out loud
I'll scream out VERRRRYYY LOUD!
Where is my blankie?
Or my binkie?
Or my baba?
Where is my blankie?
Or my binkie?
Or my baba?
Where is my BABA?
Where is my BABA?
Where is my BA-BA-BAAA?
Oh no my tummy
It hurts when I throw up...

So, yeah... You can thank Daddy Dearest for not only giving up the computer, but babysitting for the last couple of hours so that I had time to entertain your selfish asses!! And just in case the thought crossed your mind to critisize... his poker check came today and all I can say is "SHUT THE FUCK UP! HE MAKES MORE ON THIS COMPUTER THAN I MAKE IN TWO MONTHS OF WORK SO HE CAN HAVE IT ALL HE WANTS!!" Besides, if you checked your site meters you know I've been here, I just haven't been in the state of mind to think of something creative!

So now I've taken time to satisfy your blogland needs (leave the money on the dresser!) if you don't mind I'm going to go satisfy myself (selfish bastards didn't even offer me a kiss!) But honetly, I have a patriotic manicure that has been in the making (one layer at a time) for the past five hours (just enough time for one coat to dry between Ell's screaming fits). So if you don't mind, I'm going to go paint the stars on my right hand and consider painting my toe nails with pretty spring flowers.

So put your damn clothes back on and lock the door on the way out!!

...................................................................................
FOR SALE: Bottled baby puke and dirty diapers. No questions asked. All sales final. Product may vary.

Today was brought to you by the letter F!

Have I mentioned I hate Mondays? Seriously, who the hell decided that Monday was so great? And who's bright idea was it to schedule all of my prenatal visits on MONDAYS? Seriously, what kind of shit is this?

Think I'm over-reacting? FINE! You like Mondays so much? You try starting your week out by having some jolly cheerful doctor check your tonsils via your nether regions!! Yeah! See how much you like Mondays then!!

MONDAYS SUCK!!

That being said, here's today's spectacular chain of events.

• Sleep in on my day off!
• Wake Daddy Dearest up for appointment.
• Make DD laugh all the way to town because "I can't feel the wind, turn on the AC!" We drove all the way there with the windows down and the AC on because "I can't feel the wind!"
• --------
• Nether-region tonsilectomy
• More epidural comments
• Baby & Mommie are both perfectly healthy
• Almost 38 weeks and no progress
• Doc is still optomistic but exact words were, "Now we just play it week to week. Not looking very promising right now. HAVE SEX!"
• Cuss obstinant unborn daughter for being too damn comfortable! GET OUT OF ME!!
• --------
• Waddle through Dollar Tree finding none of the things I went there to buy.
• Find one of the items on the front wall AFTER I've already paid for my junk.
• Glare at items and decided it just isn't worth it.
• --------
• Go to eat at Long John Silver's. Heart set on fish sandwich.
• Find that LJS is no longer there due to construction. No clue where it went!
• Settle for cheap-ass fish sandwich from the piss-colored arches!
• --------
• Get home, call realtor, schedule time to view a house, get address.
• Decide to go check out house in advance
• Driving down road (windows down & AC going)
• DD slows down and sticks head out window to check tire (I haven't mentioned how paranoid he is about vehicles)
• Laugh hysterically at DD when his hat instantly blows off and lands in the middle of the road behind us. (Guess he couldn't feel the wind either!)
• Go back to pick up hat
• Go check out house. It's fabulous, in the country, five acres, and we can afford it. Something will definately go wrong with the loan application process!
• --------
• Check out nearby road to see where it goes.
• Discover large tree down across entire road (I'm a "country girl" and I must say this is a first for me. The tree was blocking the whole damn road. AND the road was paved. Okay, so it was "lightly" paved, but still!)
• Come back home to fill out loan paperwork.
• --------
• Discover while we were gone "Parking-Challenged" has placed their vehicle smack dab between two parked cars. Said vehicle is strategically placed to prevent anyone from parking on either side of it.
• Park red car along tree line (not parking area)
• Move grey car closer to Parking-Challenged vehicle.
• Move red car beside grey car.
• Cuss continuously throughout whole process.
• --------
• Fill out loan papers.
• Find all necessary documents.
• Spend a moment admiring my "skills" at writing my divorce decree and settlement.
• Call boss and ask for tomorrow off to view house and meet with loan department.
• --------
• Clean closet.
• Daddy Dearest (holding stuffed animals that go in closet): "Let's play catch!"
• Me (not ready to put stuffed animals in closet): "No, I'm not ready for them!"
• Daddy Dearest (grinning): "Okay, then we'll play dodgeball!" (proceeds to pelt me with stuffed pink pig and 50 squishy frogs)
• --------
• Reorganize baby furniture.
• Cuss because apartment is too small for all our shit and a baby!
• --------
• Pig out on stir-fry.
• --------
• Write pointless blog about day's events.
• --------
• Go to bed thankful that MONDAY IS OVER!!!

So I wasn't online yesterday because I was sleepy. I wasn't on today because I HATE MONDAYS!! And I probably won't be on tomorrow because I'll still be recovering from Monday (a good "fix" of HOUSE might help!). Guess I'll talk to you all on Wednesday!

Much love and HAPPY BLOGGING!!

Oh yeah, just to make me feel better . . .

FUCK MONDAY!!!

Drunken Baby Syndrome

And now for a word from our sponsors!

• Me: (to belly) You've been quiet all day and the minute we sit down by Daddy you start kicking me to death!
• Daddy: That's probably because I just tapped on your belly like fifty times!
• Me: (places hands on head) AHHHH! Bad Daddy!! Bebe have HANGOVER!!
• Daddy: (raising one eyebrow) Have you been drinking?
• Me: Well, no! But she might have been!
• Daddy: (nodding) Oh! Injecting it straight to her are you?
• Me: NO! But I am certain that she's been throwing some CRAZY parties in there!!
• Daddy: (with a very concerned look on his face) There is just ONE in there, right?
• Me: Well, I'm pretty sure she sends her friends home after the party . . . or maybe she's just throwing parties with the voices in her head!
• Daddy: Well! What would you do if you were trapped in a box for NINE MONTHS!!

Nighty Night

Me: Mommy's tired.
Daddy: Then Mommy should go to bed.
Me: I'm going to. And I'm taking the baby with me.
Daddy: (wrapping arms around my belly) Nope! I wanna keep the baby tonight!
Me: (staring speechless)
Daddy: (laughing at expression on my face)
Me: Well... um... hmm... let's see if we can figure this one out.
Daddy: (grinning)
Me: Nope. Sorry, I've got nothing.
Daddy: (kissing belly) Fine then, just take her to bed with you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A few nights ago

Daddy: (kissing me) Goodnight Princess 2! (kissing belly) Goodnight Princess 1!
Me: Hey! Wait a minute! Why does she get to be Princess 1? I was here first!!
Daddy: (kissing belly again) Well, because she's cuter!
Me: (pretending to be mad) *hmph!*
Daddy: Goodnight sweetheart! I love you!

Daddy's Lucky Charm

Last night was hilarious!

Daddy Dearest gets a phone call asking him if he'd like to play poker. Since it's Spring Break and I'm totally bored out of my mind, he asked me if I wanted to go with. I agreed and got dressed.

Now, while the guys he plays poker with are mutual friends that we both used to work with, I haven't gone with him in over 7 months. Needless to say, pregnancy and a full-time job make for a very exhausted (and anti-social) Mommy.

So, we get ready and get in the car to go.

At this point, Daddy Dearest informs me that he isn't sure if the guys know I'm pregnant. I burst into hysterical laughter. "You mean you see these guys about once a month & it's never crossed your mind to tell them you're having a baby?"

He's laughing now too. "Well, it just never really came up."

About five minutes later I start laughing again. "I'm picturing the phone call. 'Hey man, wanna come play poker?' 'Sorry, I can't tonight, I'm in labor and delivery!' That'd baffle them!"

So anyway, we get to W's house and Daddy proudly announces that he brought his girls with him as he pats my belly! Everyone says how good it is too see me and how long it's been, but they don't comment on the obviously enlarged belly.

About thirty minutes into the poker game, W stops and looks at Daddy. "Okay man! I've gotta ask. Did you tell us you were having a baby?" Through our laughter Daddy says he didn't think that he had. Now that the ice has been broke, the door is open for a string of hilarity over the subject.

• Well that's a relief! I was pretty certain that wasn't just weight gain but I didn't really want to come out and say "Hey girl! Did you know you're pregnant?"
• (after following me down the staircase) "So, do you have to balance different when you have a baby?"
• (while rocking the step that I'm sitting on in the back yard) "If I rock this hard enough will it induce labor?"
• (handing me a second taste of his fabulous cheeseball) "Since I gave Daddy a beer for the baby, here's some more cheeseball for you!"
• We never see you anymore! You don't come out drinking with us any more! Geeze!

Amazingly, with 10 people in the house who hadn't seen me in months there we NO comments about my weight, size or looks. I had a blast just listening to the conversations and watching the poker game.

Daddy Dearest won by a landslide. He knocked two people out in one hand with pocket aces. There were several times that he pulled it out on the river and many hands that he would have won with "crappy" cards if he'd have stayed in the round. He decided that his little girl is his "lucky charm".

Check Mate

This conversation was brought to you by the word "ouch".

*after discussing whether to have an epidural or not*

Daddy: You know that pain is all in your head?
Me: You realize if you tell me that in the middle of labor I'll knock your head off?
T: *laughing*
Daddy: I wouldn't do that, but I'm telling you now.
Me: I realize that but I hope that you get a kidney stone someday!
T: My boss had a kidney stone. You could see the pain all over his face.
Me: I bet. Kidney stones are all sharp and spikey. OUCH!
Daddy: If I get a kidney stone, I'm going to the hospital and having them enduce a coma. Wake me when it's over and I won't feel any pain!
Me: But honey, the pain is all in your head!
T: *laughing* Check MATE!

The Best (and Worst) of Daddy Dearest!

Yes, I have been blessed with the best Daddy-To-Be on the planet. Being the show-off that I am, I fully intend to prove it to you. Now I don't care if you're pregnant, trying to get pregnant, have already been pregnant, or never plan to get pregnant, if these aren't the sweetest things a guy can say, I don't know what else the guy could do to make you happy.

• (on the phone) Can I get you anything on my way home?
• It's cold outside, I'm going to go start your car while you finish getting ready.
• Everything will be fine. You were born to do this!!
• Thank you for carrying my baby!
  You shouldn't feel bad about being tired, you're growing a baby. YOU are the most important part!!

All you men out there should definately take a lesson from the above mentioned quotes. While these things are not very successful at getting Daddy Dearest laid (was that too much?) they do earn him a daily quota of "brownie points" which he hopes will add up and maybe he can collect on them at a later date when I feel more up to it (yes, too much! Sorry!).

However, let us keep in mind that even Daddy Dearest in NOT perfect!! He has those moments when his mind has wondered just far enough from him that he mistakenly believes that the words coming out of his mouth cannot get him fatally bludgeoned to death with the nearest solid object.

(while I'm admiring a tiny white swimsuit)

You've got a little weight to lose before we start buying bikinis again.

Immediately after the words left his mouth, Daddy Dearest was struck hard along the side of the head with the metal bikini rack. While he was on the ground pleading and holding his aching head, our shopping cart mysteriously rolled back and forth over his body until he lay trembling and whimpering. Doctors say that he should recover from his injuries in time to see his daughter be born, but to prevent any long-term damage, they insist that his jaw will have to remain wired shut until the day of the birth. Unfortunately, my back was turned at the time of the incidence, and I am simply not able to tell investigators what exactly took place. The middle-aged employee who was nearby when the statement about losing weight was made, told investigators that she too did not see a thing. Maybe Daddy Dearest will be able to tell us more when he fully recovers.

Quote of the Morning

My co-worker knows me so well... she found a sign that she thought fit me perfectly.

I SO HAVE TO HAVE IT NOW!!

"I only have a kitchen because it came with the house!!"

Quote of the Day

This was actually said a long time ago, but it still pops up in our joking conversations from time to time. It's so funny I can't keep it all to myself.

*holding up some paper sacks brought home from work*
"Honey, I brought home these sacks, I thought we could use them as bags!"

--Daddy Dearest

Another Random Conversation!

About five minutes after a debate over the origins of the word "delicatessen"

• Daddy: *grabs shoulders*
• Me: You're going to ask me another stupid question that will give me a migraine aren't you?
• Daddy: *giggling* Umm, no... *whispers* Where's the dictionary?
• Me: *laughing* I'm not telling!!
• Daddy: *pulling on the back of the chair and laughing* No more computer for YOU!
• Me: *seriously* If you make this chair fall over with me in it I will so kick you in the BALLS!!
• Daddy: *shocked* Don't say "balls" in front of her! *points to belly*
• Me: *giggles* Well, don't say "dictionary" in front of her!!

Note: Yes, he found the dictionary. (And yes, he was right!) But the origins of the conversation were still ridiculous. What started it all? Daddy Dearest asked, "Why do delicatessen and delicate sound so much alike?" *hits head hard on desk* BANG!!!!

Let's Get Married!!

Random Conversation

Me: I'm still pissy
Daddy: Why?
Me: Because I married an IDIOT!
Daddy: What'd I do?
Me: I'm not married to YOU! I'm not married to anyone anymore. Thank God!
Daddy: *grinning sinisterly* Oh, you will be!
Me: Oh, no sir!
Daddy: Oh, yes! You're giving me THAT tax break!!
*mutual laughter*
Daddy: *in a loud goofy voice* "$250 dollar tax break!! Honey!!! Did you know about this?!? LET'S GET MARRIED!!!"

(better break out the hammer and smash a pinkie... or two)

Good Sign It's Past My Bedtime

Daddy Dearest gets up and makes the bed. He then returns to the living room with something ominously concealed in his hands.

Daddy: Hold out your hand
Me: *cringing and yanking hand away*
Daddy: Just hold out your hand
Me: This better not be icky! *cringing, preparing to scream & throw whatever is placed in my hand*

Daddy drops two chewable vitamins in my hand. hehe... yes, I'm obviously PARANOID!!

I might be offended if it weren't for the fact that I'd told him I was going to bed an hour ago and he knows how miserable I feel in the mornings. If anyone else did it, I'd suspect alterior motives, but Daddy has only the best of intentions.

Goodnight... I think... no, seriously... Goodnight... FOR REAL!!

Brought to you by the letter "B"

We will return to our regularly scheduled blog, right after this brief conversation.

Me: I need something to blog about today...
Daddy: Blog about Blogging Bloggers Blogging their Blogging Brains out ALL Blogging Day!!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog!

Crumple vs.Fold

Sesame Street now presents:

Another Random Conversation!

Scene: Me & Daddy Dearest in the bathroom (him using the mirror & me using the facilities - sorry if that's too much)

Me: *out of the blue* So, do you crumple or do you fold?
Daddy: Fold
Me: Me too *folding*
Daddy: F#@% CRUMPLES!! Crumples cause mistakes!!!
Me: *hysterical laughter*

This conversation was brought to you by the letters

T and P.

Randomness (In honor of my cousin)

Just another random conversation:

*takes Daddy Dearest's hands in my own and smiles up at him*
Me: Honey, you have sheet wrinkles on your face. (he'd just woke up)
Daddy: *grinning* I also have fecal matter on my hands!
Me: AAAHHHH! *lets go immediately*

Just a note: There was nothing on his hands, but me holding them was keeping him from his morning cigarette.

Stalking my boyfriend!

Woohoo! I have discovered a new and interesting SPYWARE tool! Now, from the comfort of my desk at work, I can know whether Daddy dearest will be awake when I get home from work or not. It's really not a big deal either way. The man works evenings and so he usually stays awake all night and sleeps while I'm at work. However, it does make me more prepared for my arrival home.

You see, there is a difference between coming home to a man who has been awake long enough to have his "morning" cigarette and can of soda, and coming home to an utterly exhausted man who isn't truely convinced that his job is worth getting out of that cozy bed. The first means I get to walk in the door with a smile on my face and happily announce, "Honey, I'm HOME!!" while the later means I should quietly tiptoe through the apartment until it's time to wake the sleeping giant with gentle hugs and kisses (much like myself, he has an inner demon that is not exactly human for about 30 minutes after awakening!)

I greatly prefer to come home to the wide awake version of Daddy. Partially because I like to see his beaming smile when I walk through the door, but also because I'm starting to nod off at that point in the day causing my inner demon (Sybil) to come out. Some of you might think that two demon's would be perfectly suited for each other. You would be DEAD WRONG! You see Sybil does NOT play well with others. She's more of the "chew them up and spit them out" type. Thus, if you put her in the same room with the "not quite awake and kinda grouchy" demon that Daddy possesses, there is bound to be screaming, eye gouging, and eventually an evil Sybilian battle cry!

So you see, this new SPYWARE tool will come in very handy in the near future because I will be better prepared to have Sybil chained down extra tight on occasions which Daddy has decided to sleep in.

I know, I know, you're all dying to learn what my SPYWARE tool is.

Quite simply, MSN Messenger!

Yes, I know... how boring! But honestly, I'm sitting on the computer at work, logged into my messenger, waiting to see if the YeahWhooos come on, when suddenly I get a message:

"You have just been logged into messenger on another computer. Click here to log in again!"

Well, isn't that neat? Guess Daddy woke up!

Phone call to Daddy:
--*ring ring*
--Daddy: Yes, dear?
--Me: Hi honey. You just got on the computer didn't you?
--Daddy: Yes! STALKER!!!
--Me: *giggles*
--Daddy: STALKER! *click*

Random Conversations

Daddy: Night Mrs. Cold Ass
Me: Mrs. what?
Daddy: Cold Ass
Me: Why?
Daddy: Because your butt cheek is cold
Me: Yours is warm? No fair!
Daddy: Well maybe if you wore clothes, your ass wouldn't be so cold!
*looks at him funny*
Daddy: And maybe if your underwear covered your cheeks they wouldn't be so cold!
*shrugs and rolls over*
Daddy: Goodnight dear
Me: Nighty nite
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Daddy: Show Travis how big your belly is.
*stands up to be presented like a prize hog*
Travis: Damn! That's awesome!
Daddy: *rubs belly* Yeah!
*returns to chair*
Daddy: This month she's supposed to get really fat!
Travis: It's not fat! You asshole!
Daddy: Well, actually...
Me: In his defense, it's fat. No way we're having a twenty pound baby!
Travis: yeah, but there's water and all that
*I have a feeling that Daddy's friend is trying to get him in trouble*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was pretty much the extent of my humor today... it's been a dull day... no one really managed to make me laugh and frankly that is sad since it's so very easy to do.

Our Poor Child!

This week has made me to determine that our darling daughter-to-be is doomed to a life of utter hopelessness. It will be a sheer miracle if this poor child somehow manages to form intellectual thought processes so long as she is living under our roof. No don’t get me wrong, both my darling sweetheart and I are actually very intellectual. However, there are times when something happens that just makes me wonder if we are really as bright as we might think.

Case in point, earlier this week, Daddy Dearest began rummaging through the kitchen cupboards looking for something to snack on. After some browsing and debating, he eventually settled on a can of pork and beans. He opened the can, poured it onto a paper plate, microwaved it and sat down to enjoy. About halfway through his meal, he pauses and looks at me. “There are only beans in this.”

I stared at him in utter shock for a few moments before it dawned on me that he was being serious. At that point I burst into hysterical bouts of laughter. Gasping for breath, I ask him, “Haven’t you ever had pork and beans before? Don’t you know it’s just a pork flavored sauce & a little piece of pork fat?”

Realizing that this is definitely one of those moments when you really have no choice but to laugh at yourself, he laughs with me and says, “Well, of course I’ve had pork and beans before. I just kind of figured that I always got ripped off.”

We both had a good chuckle about the whole thing and after begging me to never tell a soul, he smiled and called me a few choice words for promising to blog the whole story.

In all fairness though, I cannot lay all the blame for our child’s intellectual potential on her Daddy’s shoulders. Just this morning he came in and gently awoke me with a “Happy Day-After-Valentine’s Day” kiss. It was sweet and romantic and I wanted to repay him before I left for work. So after I was fully prepared (at least physically) to trudge out into the bitterly cold winter weather, I wrapped my arms around him and planted a big kiss on his cheek. I then stated (oh how I hate to admit this!) “Happy Day-After-Thanksgiving!”

Yes, our little Ellie is tragically DOOMED!!!