Yes, She ALWAYS smiles for the camera!!

We're #1

----------*----------

I'm a little munchkin child!!

----------*----------

Come any closer and I'll sock you one!

----------*----------

Happy Holidays!!

Guess Who?

Mommie & Ellie on Halloween 2007 at the Mall.

Dressed up as a school girl with an apple!

When Grandma & Grandpa Visit

Once upon a time in a tiny little apartment there lived three little bears. A Daddy bear, a Mommie bear, and a baby Ellie bear. One weekend, Grandma Bear and Grandpa Bear were visiting. The first night, all of the Bears piled into the little one bedroom apartment and everything was fine and dandy.

On the second day, Grandma Bear, Mommie Bear and Baby Ellie Bear went shopping and had their pictures taken.

Baby Ellie Bear had a couple of pictures taken of herself too.
But she was not impressed when Mommie Bear and Grandma Bear decided to smother her in kisses.
After some more kisses, a lengthy shopping spree, and a stupid cashier who thought I wouldn't say anything about $8.11 cents worth of coupons that she just sat aside without crediting... the Lady Bears went back to their small cave resort.

Later that evening Goldilocks stumbled by with her two cubs dressed for Halloween. The genearal assumption is that Goldilocks wanted to ask Mama bear to give her a ride to the Halloween party, but since Goldilocks has been especially crappy lately (and Mommie Bear thinks she'd make an entertaining tether ball) Grandma Bear answered the door with teeth bared. Goldilocks did not ask if we had any chairs, porridge or cozy beds, but instead went begging elsewhere. A wise decision since I'm not sure I had any toothpicks around for Grandma Bear to pick her teeth with. Also, I don't think there's enough Listerine in the world to get that BAD TASTE out of Grandma Bears mouth.

Anyway, all was good and fun. Grandma and Grandpa Bear seemed to have a good time and we enjoyed having them here to visit. Hopefully next time they visit, we'll have a little bigger cave to give us all a little more elbow room.

Love & Kisses,

THE BEAR (not BARE) FAMILY!!

** Stay tuned for the tortures of Halloween and other pictures snapped this weekend.

Dear Grandma

Thank you so much for coming to visit us here in Kansas. We love you so very much and are very happy that you got to come see us. I really love the mobile and the baby monitor that you got for me and all the cool books will be fun to read with Mommy and Daddy.

I'm sorry you didn't get to see much of Daddy because he was working, but I hope you know that he was glad you got to come down and he appreciates everything you did while you were here.

I'm trying to be a good girl today because I know that Mommy isn't feeling very well. She took some medicine and squirted junk in her throat to make it stop hurting, now she's feeling so-so. I had some more of my cereal this morning and I loved it.

I hope you had a good drive home and tell Grandpa I miss him and love him much. Thank Grandpa for everything also and tell him we hope he can come down next time.

Well, I better go now and go take care of Mommy. She's sleepy and keeps getting woke up from her nap. Amber stopped by to tell us that Ms. Janet got mad because Amber called the HUD lady last night. Then Brenda stopped by to ask to use the thermometer. Faithy is running a temperature so Brenda went home to give her some medicine. But at least Mommy got a little bit of a nap and I'm being good. She took some cold meds to help, plus another antibiotic, and throat spray so now she's feeling okay for a while. Hopefully Mommy won't be sick for very long.

Mommy says that you think you've got the same thing. Hope you don't feel too icky. Take some antibiotics and get some rest.

Love you both very much and lots of BIG THANK YOUS!

Hugs & Kisses

Elocin Nicole

Oh Kiss Off and Have a Giggle At My Expense

Update: It should be noted that the Evil Munchkin from the Flaming Realms of OZ was exterminated in order to make room for the FemiNazi terrorist that I carried in my womb for nine months and who aspires to someday be a world dictator!!

Things you should know about the newest member of the crime villian family:

1. Clearly she drinks too much soda, dirties too many dishes, goes through too many outfits and has too damn many toys. That is the only explanation for the state of my household.
2. Her internal clock is set to go off precisely 1 hour after Daddy goes to bed and two hours before Mommie wakes up for work.
3. The fluid retention mechanism in this child's stomach is pre-programed to malfunction precisely 15 minutes before Mommie is ready to go out with the "girls." It is uncertain whether this malfunction is triggered by the color of Mommie's lipstick, the smell of Mommie's clean clothes or the sound of Mommie putting her keys in her purse. Due to the fact that someone has intentionally removed the maintence sticker from this child which I am certain contained a toll-free number for technical assistance, we are currently unable to correct this major malfunction.
4. The number of outfits this child dirties in one day is precisely equivilant to the number of ounces she eats during any given 24-hour period, multiplied by the number of hours she spends awake.
5. The number of grey hairs that Mommie and Daddy acrue is equivilent to the number of dirty diapers, plus the number of dirty outfits, times the number of times the pacifier is refused, plus the number of minutes she screams.

All prospective visitors to my home should come prepared with several changes of clean clothes. As a general precaution it may be wise to take your dirty socks and rub them on as cologne to counteract the scent of clean laundry which I am certain agitates this child to no end. Guest should also be equipped with ear plugs (I recommend the ear muffs that they use on the shooting range as this child has developed an new sound which could easily break the sound barrier and is exactly the right pitch to shatter glass.) In addition, I suggest that guest be fully prepared to stand in an upright position and be capable of hold a baby while wiping their ass.

Childbirth classes they don't teach (but should):

• How to Crap & Breastfeed in Unison
• The Wild World of Baby Fluids
• The Musical Stages of Child's Screaming
• Elevation and it's Affects on a Child's Crying
• The Horrors of Breastfeeding and Nipple Tattoos
• 101 Reasons Your Child Might Fuss
• Doctors Don't Know Everything
• Balancing a Baby on a Budget

That being said, I adore my baby girl and I wouldn't trade her for the world. There is one more class that should be offered to all expectant mothers: 1 Million Ways a Baby Can Melt Your Heart!!

Love and Hugs to All

Who Needs Assholes To Celebrate With?

For the Fourth of July, we were invited to join Aunt T's family for a spectacular fireworks display. I have to admit, I felt right at home (a.k.a. North Family was easily replaced!)


The following events took place and any of them could easily have been expected at a gathering of my own family!

1. The guests included: Six children, one dog, a dozen adults, and random neighbors. (not enough dogs)
2. Two little boys stripped butt-ass naked in the living room to put on swimming suits.
3. One little boy proceded to strut himself in a true Chip-n-Dale's style for the guests in the living room.
4. One mother chased her butt-ass naked boy around the house three times yelling "squishy tushy" while his Grandma tried to put his swimming suit on.
5. One little boy stripped in the kitchen because he desperatedly had to poop.
6. Another little boy stripped in the kitchen before running outside to pee in the driveway. (in town)
7. These same naked boys refused to come out of the bathroom after swimming. (Suddenly too shy to come get their dry clothes!)
8. The dog was on sedatives to help her cope with the guests (I could have benefitted from this a few times myself).
9. The kitchen counter contained a large jar of tea and fifteen large bottles of liquor (including two giant bottles of Crown Royal)
10. They had to call the neighbors to see if it was time to eat yet.
11. The statements "Get your butt away from the fireworks," "Don't touch that! It's HOT!," and "Don't cry to me if you get hurt!" echoed from the mouths of several parents.
12. Two children sustained minor injuries before sunset. (afterwards all children were denied punts)
13. When the neighbors ran out of firepower first, the taunting and bragging began. ("We're better than you," "LOSERS!" "Hahahaha")
14. Two kids crashed out on the couch.
15. Another begged Grandma to spend the night.
16. Everyone had a cigarette except Aunt T.
17. Someone mentioned the ex-husband and the cocaine addict.

As you can clearly see, these people would blend right into any family gathering of mine. Just in case any of them stumble onto this by accident. I love you!! Seriously. It was great! I had a great time! Fitting in and being fun is a good thing because I really can't stand snob-nosed stuck-up uptight jerks. THANKS!!

That being said, the beloved Ell slept through the majority of her first Fourth of July.

And she missed some really good fireworks.

But she finally woke up

Just in time for the grand finale!

Love and Hugs to all (especially Mom who hates this holiday and it's all my fault! Sorry... love you!)

*Note: I must say these firework pictures are quite spectacular considering my digital camera has about a two second delay from the time you click until the time the picture is taken. It took 60+ shots just to get this small handful of pictures.

This Oughta Satisfy You!!

We had pictures taken yesterday and if these don't satisfy you for a while, nothing will!

Let Ellie Steal You Heart

visit her pictures

This one is for Grandma & Grandpa

The Cost of Birth (2007)

Just thought these figures would floor some people (like my Mom)

This is the cost of our pregnancy. Thankfully, insurance will cover it all so Mommie & Daddy don't have to live in the "poor house".

$ 40.00 - Pregnancy Test
$ 70.00 - Hormone Level Test
$ 170.00 - Ultrasound 1
$ 170.00 - Ultrasound 2
$ 102.00 -Consultation/Family History
$ 130.00 - Prenatal Visit
$ 220.00 - Ultrasound 3
$ 200.00 - Ultrasound 4 (sex/health)
$ 64.00 - Glucose Testing
$ 68.95 - Labwork
$ 50.00 - Prenatal Visit
$ 252.00 - Ultrasound 5
$ 2500.00 - Delivery (Doctor)
$ 62.18 - Post-delivery Medication
$10843.48 - Hospital Bill
--------------------------------------
GRAND TOTAL: $14,942.61

Not counting Ellie's $2000 hospital bill or the follow-up exams!

Maybe they should print this out and give it to all high school students as a form of BIRTH CONTROL!!

Quick Facts About Ellie's Birthday

May 9, 1960 - The FDA approves the world's first commercially produced birth-control pill, Envoid-10.

May 9, 1914 - President Woodrow Wilson issues a presidential proclamation that officially establishes the first National Mother's Day holiday to celebrate America's mothers.

These are my two favorite facts about our daughter's birthday... one is just IRONIC... the other is just COOL!!

Our First Night Without Daddy

WARNING: If you are offended by poop, urine, breasts, breastmilk, or babies you should skip this post!!

You know those boxes that they use when they're working with hazerdous materials? The ones that are completely enclosed with a little window and you reach inside with these heavy duty rubber gloves. If you happen to see one on a garage sale, please purchase it for me. I will gladly pay the shipping and handling to have it delivered to my apartment.

Why would I need such a drastic device?

Because I have recently given birth to a projectile pooping, geyser spraying, wiggling demon child!

That's right! My beautiful angel who looks as if she can do no wrong, is hiding her true demon heritage beneath that precious face.

Daddy left us to go back to work tonight. We sat down and had a nice meal before my little angel quietly fell asleep in my arms. About seven o'clock, she quietly awoke and whimpered to me that she was again hungry.

Prior to having a meal, I decided to change her diaper. I picked up her little feet and proceded to wipe her messy bottom with a wet wipe. Instantaneously, a stream of stinky projectile poop shot out and sprayed the diaper, the quilt, the towel that is soaking up my leaking problem, and my windpants. I quickly covered the offending area with the already dirty diaper and tried my best to wipe up the poop which had traveled about 18 inches before it was blocked by my body. No doubt, she had potential for a good 3-4 feet on that one!

Several spurts and much wiping later, I concluded that my little "Exorcist" was finally finished. I uncovered the area to assess the damage. While leaning over to reach a wet wipe, a 12-inch geyser of urine sprayed up covering both my arms, my hands, her body, her diaper, the quilt I was changing her on and the floor before I was able to slap the front of the diaper back down.

At this point, we (and everything in a 2 foot radius) are covered in either poop or urine. Having fully emptied all of her internal organs, my devil-spawn procedes to scream because she is hungry. It suddenly dawned on her that Mommie is taking way too long to change this diaper (can't imagine why?).

So here I am standing over a screaming, piss-covered child (who still has a dirty diaper). There is shit and piss on my floor. I'm drenched in urine, covered in poop, and my boobs are leaking all over me. I've got a wet wipe in one hand, and a poop covered towel in the other.

I dried off my hands, moved the baby, cleaned her up and slapped on a new diaper. I then placed the screaming child on the couch with her pacifier and informed her there was no way I was feeding her while I was still covered in shit and urine. I quickly dabbed laundry soap on the quilt while simutaneously spraying carpet cleaner on the floor. We then used a wet wipe to clean 1) a naked Mommie who has stripped off her nasty clothing 2) the pooped on quilt and 3) the urine covered carpeting. A quick trip to wash off my hands and milk covered chest!

With a sigh, I returned to a pissed off child (not crying, but fists clinched in rage) and satisfied her hunger demands before she convinced herself she would starve to death.

At that point, I realized a few things:

1. My child is NOT an angel
2. I still LOVE her
3. I CAN do this! (How much worse can it get? Please don't tell me) AND
4. I can't wait for DADDY to get home!

Oh, and we definately need to get one of those Hazerdous Materials boxes to change our daughter in.

*```~...~```~...~```~...~```~...~```~...~```~...~```*

On the BONUS side of things:

My neighbor brought me over a gift today. A scale (which Daddy had told her I wanted), some body wash, a travel kit of baby stuff, and a baby manicure set.

What did the scale say?

138!!

(down 29 pounds!)

That's only 9 pounds over my lowest weight!!

I'm stoked!!

Beautiful Day!

Our little Sunshine slowly waking up in the sunshine.

May 14th, 2007

A Week In Pictures

Tuesday, May 8th, 2007 - 11:00 pm

Last Hour of Pregnancy!

Packing up those last minute things before we headed to the Hospital for our induction.

---~*~---

Wednesday, May 9th, 2007 - 8:30 pm

Happy Birthday Ellie!

Ellie's very first picture. Daddy finally got to hold her after they got her all cleaned up and checked out.

---~*~---

Thursday, May 10th, 2007

Our First Full Day!

I just can't believe how tiny she looks when her Daddy holds her. It fascinates me.

---~*~---

Friday, May 11th, 2007

Our First Car Ride

We finally made it home!! The denim quilt is Mommie's latest sewing accomplishment. I'm taking a long break from sewing after cutting out and sewing all those 2-inch denim squares. Super thanks to Grandma Juice for finishing the last two seams and adding a backing for Mommie.

---~*~---

Saturday, May 12th, 2007

Our First Day at Home

One tiny (sleepy) baby girl laying on one BIG bed! We kept it a secret that Grandma & Grandpa left early. The three of us enjoyed a day relaxing as a family without having to entertain anyone else.

---~*~---

Sunday, May 13th, 2007

Happy Mother's Day - First Trip to Town

Daddy's precious little angel loves to sleep (so does her Mommie).

---~*~---

Monday, May 14th, 2007

Our First Day Outside.

Mommie & Ellie sat on the front step while Daddy planted more flowers around the apartment. Later, we all went for a walk down to the end of the street and back. Baby Ellie really enjoyed the outside, but Mommie kind of overdid it a little.

---~*~---