I Need New Blog Sites

As you can see, my list of "20 crazy people" has three listings who have failed to make me laugh this month.

Tragically, they will need to be replaced with someone who can provide me with some comic relief! There is way too much seriousness in this world and I simply cannot accept going an entire month without having something to laugh about.

So, if you know of anyone who can fill the void in my life, please leave me a comment about them so I can check out their site.

I am willing to promote more than 20 sites through the month of April in the hopes of finding some steady amusement. At the end of the month, the top 20 sites will remain on "20 crazy people". In the event that I feel reluctant to delete someone, I will consider revising my list length or creating another section for bloggers I enjoy.

Come on readers! Offer up some suggestions! Think you're funny enough to make the list! Feel free to pimp yourself!

WOOHOO!!

As you can see, I've spent my Saturday trying to figure out how to create an awesome header.

Props to me!!

Of course I have no idea how I did it... so the real challenge will be to see if I can ever change it. But I thought it was cool nonetheless!

So Sad I Can't Play

In a desperate attempt to fit in with the locals (Mom & Mole) I tried to find some "creeps" in our area. I mean, anytime we're rewarding points for who has the most "creeps" I'm all for making an honest attempt at participating.

Thus, my mission of sorrow began.

I scoured the local headlines for the creepiest individuals I could find, but my search turned over no leads. I resorted to reading the local police blotter, but the worst I could find were some DUI's and some minor drug charges. I even searched the local opinion articles, thinking that someone might bring up a near-forgotten topic. Nothing! So alas, my search has ended leaving me with zero newsworthy "creeps".

I did find some headlines that seemed promising:

• Core Positions Probed - one would think that anytime you use the words "positions" and "probed" in the same sentence, there must be something interesting there... but sadly, no creeps
• 'Pencil' Fund to Aid School - the quote marks led me to believe we might be talking about an entirely different kind of 'pencil', but I was mistaken... just plain old graphite sticks here.
• Egg Hunts and Spring Dances? Fancy That - It was the short summary of this article that got my hopes up with the phrases "It's finally Spring, the time when your fancy turns to..." and "From the looks of it, there will be plenty of the wet stuff this weekend." But alas, it was just a short article on our local Spring weather.

All hopes nearly lost, I began to scan other areas of the local newspaper's website.

• GET TO KNOW YOUR CANDIDATES BETTER - Just how well can we get to know them? While I'm certain that many of the people who run for political positions are probably "creeps" there was no dirt found here.
• Breed Ban - My heart fluttered! This could be good! Again I was disappointed to learn it was just a discussion board about bans on certain dog breeds.

So sadly, I have resigned to being unable to compete in this fabulous "creep" competition.

But check out my Mother's creeps and Mole's creeps. If you think you can compete with their creeps, feel free to make an honest effort! I wish you luck in your search for creeps!

Missing Me?

Yeah, I know. I was gone all day yesterday! Guess where I was?

ASLEEP!!

That's right. An afternoon nap turned into a 3 hour nap. I was semi-coherent for a few hours after Daddy Dearest got home from work and then my bed called my name and convinced me to join it until about 3 am. Knowing it was WAY too early to wake up, I had a snack & crawled back into the comfort of my blankies until it was time for work.

So there's the SCOOP! Hope you're satisfied!

So today, the boss let me off early. He was pretty sure he could handle the 2 boys we had last hour all by himself so he said, "Have a good weekend!" (Have I mentioned how I love my job most of the time?) I made a quick trip to ManHappiness to use a 50% off coupon I had for the Sears SmileSaver program. Figured with the little one on the way, $16.10 was a small price to pay for 2 years worth of NO SITTING FEES!!

Now, I've checked my mail and am about to wake Daddy up to go to work. After that, I'm planning on another NAP! While it might turn into several hours, I doubt it will become an all night sleep fest. So, if you're having terrible withdrawl symptoms just bear with me.
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2 QUICK UPDATES!

1) --- Housing Director emailed me today in regards to the "he said, she said" dispute. She assured me there was nothing to worry about. In the event it had been made more formal, she would have sat both parties down to hash it out. In the past, she's found that the dispute is usually dropped after both parties get together with her to talk.

2) --- Yesterday's doctor's appointment went 100% fine. Blood pressure normal, 24-test passed, blood test passed, no protein found. Baby had a strong 130 heartbeat, something about spikes in the 150's which seemed to please the dr. Measuring at 34 weeks (charts said 33 weeks 5 days) so we're right on track there. She said all my "complaints" were perfectly normal & would only get worse (I think that was supposed to make me feel better). When I commented about difficult breathing (yes, I knew it was normal) she took a look at my belly and said, "There is A LOT of baby in there!" She then chastized Daddy Dearest for being a 10.5 pound baby and asked him if his Mother had ever forgiven him. Next appointment is April 9th and we got a "GOLD STAR" (she is soooo funny) for being 100% NORMAL!!

If you're gonna lie about it...

Quick background on this matter:

Daddy Dearest sleeps during the day & works at night. If you come around our apartment making an ungodly amount of noise during the day, you're likely to irritate him. However, he tries to play nice with others.

So, a little over a week ago, Daddy Dearest is trying to sleep and a fellow resident of this "fabulous resort spa" starts pounding on the neighbor's door. *bang bang bang* She got no answer. Logically, she repeated the action just moments later. *bang bang bang* Still no response. Instead of returning at a later time to reach the neighbor, she continues to repeat this extremely loud process. *bang bang bang* For FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!

Now fully awake and aware of everything, Daddy Dearest gets out of bed and gets dressed. Meanwhile, fellow resident is continuing to bang on the neighbor's door. Finally "presentable", Daddy Dearest steps out the front door and says to the woman (who has her 3-year-old daughter with her) "If she didn't answer after the first couple of times, she probably isn't going to answer her door. Why not just come back a little later?"

At this point the woman turns around marching back to her apartment, screaming at him, "She's sleeping you F*CKING A$$HOLE!!!"

Daddy is immediately in shock that she reacted this way (especially with her daughter right there) and as she is now right in front of our apartment he raises his voice and says, "You just need to f*cking go home!"

At this point I called him back into the house because I know this woman isn't going to stop, and there's no need for things to get out of hand with a three-year-old present (though I'm sure the girl has seen & heard worse at home). Daddy comes inside and says "I know I shouldn't have yelled, but she just caught me so off guard by talking like that around her daughter."

I agreed and Daddy called the Housing Director to make a complaint about the woman's reaction. Later that night, the HD calls to tell us that the lady had a witness (I looked outside when it happened, her witness was either the three-year-old or the tree!) who says Daddy got nasty with her first and can't we all just get along.

Daddy agrees to just drop it and life goes on as it did before.

UNTIL TODAY!!

I get an email from the Housing Director stating that "someone" came in and complained yesterday that Daddy yelled at them when they were knocking on a friends door and I should talk to him. I immediately called her and told her I was home all day yesterday and it never happened. She wasn't sure what day the event "allegedy happened" so I said, "No problem, I'll talk to him."

Meanwhile, my co-worker (who is waiting for me to finish so we can go shopping) is reading the email over my shoulder. When I get off the phone she says, "Hey prego! Look at the alleged time (1:00 pm)! You've been home EVERY DAY for the past week and a half! Wouldn't you know if it happened or not?"

Well DUH!! Forgot I went home early Monday & last week was Spring Break! Yeah, I was home! Well, I'll ask him anyway because he didn't go with me Monday, but he was awake when I left at noon so I can't imagine any noise bothering him.

On our way to our "shopping spree" (yes, be jealous that they PAY me to go to Wal-Mart and Target!) we swing by the apartment & I ask Daddy if it happened. He says he hasn't even talked to anyone around there. One more stop to tell the Housing Director what I found out and that I can vouch for all but 20 minutes of the past week. She says okay and not to worry about it.

Anyway, the moral of the story is...
If you're going to try and get even by making up some stupid lie... you might want to make sure that the pregnant lady wasn't stuck at home due to doctor's appointments and 24-hours of peeing in a bright orange jar!!

I'm still waiting for a response as to how we would have handled it if she'd have dared to make a "formal" complaint of the matter. I'm slightly ticked off over it because normally I'd have been at work and had no way of defending him on the matter.

STUPID PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BREED!!

Okay, so when you find everytime you look in the mirror you are slowly turning into a bigger and bigger version of a hippo, you eventually have to break down and do something to remind yourself that you can still make the boys turn their heads.

Tonight, that's exactly what I did.


I broke down, drug out the hot red dress, pulled my hair back and put on the brightest red lipstick I own.

Then, just to remind myself that I still clean up pretty nice, I pulled out the camera and flashed about 100 pictures. I recommend always taking 100 pictures because you're sure to get a few that you like.

So, a few layers of makeup, 100 camera flashes, and a few photo touch-ups later, I must say, "She's STILL got it!!"

Maybe it's a little self-indulging. Maybe I'm a little bit concieted. But frankly, when you've put on thirty pounds, several pant-sizes, and haven't seen your feet in months, you really don't care how self-absorbed you're being.

What does matter is that I'm still pretty. To hell with that! I'm still DAMN SEXY!! That's right! I said it! I'm ONE HOT MAMA!!

So take that and stick it in your "I pushed my baby out in 5 pushes" pipe and smoke it!! hehe... just kidding! I still envy any woman with an easy pregnancy and short labor.

So now that I've satisfied my own ego, I suppose I can give in and bring some sort of sick pleasure to you evil freaks out there who relish in seeing how big of a BLIMP I've become (you sick bastards!!)

So here you go. Some 33 week belly shots! Yes! I'm huge! It's 42-inches if you have to know! Yes! I know! You're loving it! Go ahead! Have your fun! Just remember, from the chest up I can still give your man whiplash! Haha! Not so funny now is it? Yeah! SHUT UP! See that large basketball protruding from me? Yeah! That'll teach you to enjoy my misery!

Hope you all enjoyed. And in case there's anyone out there who just take themselves WAY too seriously. I'm not out to steal anyone's man, but I will laugh if you have to slap him for checking out another chick! Just be nice to the FAT pregnant chicks... because underneath the layers of baby...

WE'VE STILL GOT IT!!!

What NOT to Eat!

Okay, I know I'm risking it here by writing yet another post inspired by someone else, but what can I say. It's been a dull week and I don't really have a life.

I hope that Karla is pleased that she was able to inspire me rather than ticked at my theiving her idea. I guess if it ruffles her feathers I'll remove it because, well frankly, I like her and she makes me laugh hysterically so I don't want to tick her off.

So if you're reading this, please go check out Karla's post about eating hitchhiker's feet! Try not to puke on her page though, last I knew she was still cleaning up her own vomit.

So here goes nothing . . . .

As Karla said, "Not everything technically marked as 'food' is edible." So here's my list of things that you should NOT eat!!

Insects! I don't care if they ARE chocolate covered and you ARE a chocoholic. We do NOT live in a third world country. You are NOT dying of starvation. And this is NOT "Survivor Man". It is simply not NORMAL to see a creepy crawly insect and think, "hmm, wonder what he'd taste like? Bet he'd be good with some cheese fondue!" Please seek help!!

Raw Meat! I'm okay if you like you steak rare. However, (and this one's for my Dad!) if there's a chance that my local vet can save the poor animal that is sprawled out on your plate you have a problem. Please keep in mind that cavemen discovered fire a very long time ago and it has proved quite useful ever since. This applies to ALL meats, including seafood! If you need further inspiration to apply some heat to your meat, please watch some of the freaky medical mysteries on cable and repeat after me, "TAPE WORM!!"

Rocky Mountain Oysters! These are neither oysters, nor are they from the Rocky Mountains. I must confess here, I did try these once when I was a teenager, but it was only to prove that a boy was a wimp! I do not recommend that anyone make a habit out of eating any part of an animal's reproductive system! No doubt this food was probably inspired by some freaky "fertility charm" but that is no excuse! The next time you get an inspiration to eat this portion of an animal, please take a moment to look down and think back to your High School health class. Now think about what is inside of those and what they are originally used for. Yeah, now think back to all those newspaper headlines you've read about the messed up things people do with their animals when no one is looking. Finally, ask yourself "Is it any different if you cut that stuff off and fry it up before you put them in your mouth?"

Okra! Okay, after years of being horrified at the thought of okra, I finally broke down and tried some fried okra the other day. I'll admit that it wasn't all that bad. However, I can definately think of much better vegetables to fry that okra. You can never really appreciate why I have such a distaste for okra unless you have tried to boil it. Yes, I realize that "boiled okra" is not a very common dish, but I am clearly kitchen challenged and you can guess that I inheritted that fair and square. My mother, though a fabulous cook now, was not always so gifted in the kitchen. You might even say there was a time that she qualified as clueless. So when my father jokingly asked to have okra for dinner, she happily purchased and proceded to boil okra. Let me spare you the horrific experience of trying this in your own kitchen. The smell of boiling okra is the equivilant of boiling cat urine! Nothing kills an appetite like a kitchen permeating with the sweet aroma of feline piss! While fried okra may be highly edible, I remain skeptical of any vegetable that could possible emit such a rotten smell when added to boiling water.

Thus ends my list of foods that should not be eaten. Now if you haven't done it already, get your butt over to karlababble and read her list! DO IT!!!

Interview (okay, not really)

So yeah, I missed out on Tink's interview process but thankfully she had the foresite to post questions for all us slackers who didn't get there in time because we were busy doing various important things (like counting the glasses of water we drink so the doctor won't glare at me at my next visit on Monday... oh, the rest of the time was spent relieving myself of the previously-mentioned glasses of water!)

So here goes nothing!

• If you could swap lives with someone for a week, who would you choose?

Hmmm... that's a pretty tough one. I'm pretty happy being me and frankly other people kinda scare me. I have enough trouble sorting out my own insane thoughts (and I've had 27 years of practice at that) so I can't imagine trying to sort through the thoughts of someone else. However, given that I'm 8 months pregnant and SOOOO ready for this to be over with, I'm going to jump at the opportunity to make someone else do this for a week! The question is who?

Oooh!! I GOT IT!! My GRANDMOTHER!! For several reasons. One, I think I need a little more dirt on that woman -- an entire to week to sort through all of her short-comings so the whole family can have some ammunition by which to defend themselves from her unfounded accusations! Two, it might be fun to create a few crazy Grandma memories to mess with her brain when I finally give it back to her. Three, every pregnant woman should get a week to sit back, watch soap operas, gossip with the neighbors and generally enjoy the same life a retired Grandma has. And four, I believe it would be absolutely hilarious to rearrange her house, give away some of her stuff and confess her all lies. The fun would continue long after the swap as we all sit back and watch her try to figure out what the heck just happened!

This would only work for me if we could put my body in a coma of some sort and make her go to some "realm of limbo" though. Because I certainly don't want to give her a chance to screw up my world. Not to mention, her drinking would be bad for the baby!

• What's the worst nightmare you've ever had?

Oh goodness! Do you realize how messed up my dreams are? I have dreams so insane they don't even qualify as scary! While the makers of SAW and HOSTILE would love to get their hands on the material in my head, after 27 years, they hardly phase me!

We could go with the whole "Dead Bodies Everywhere" scenerio! Or how about "The Dog Strangled Mom" flick! There's always the fabulous, "Mom's Husband Went Psycho and Cut the Dog's Head Off!" but the fact the dog's head was still barking from the flower bed while its body ran around the yard kinda takes the edge off of that one. A personal fave was the "Giant Grizzly With Chainsaw Paws Kills my Uncle" And I'm certain that Jurassic Park may have inspired the "Holding the T-Rex's Baby Hostage to Save My Family" The list just goes on and on. The newest release in Psycho Dreams Theaters was the gruesome "Crazy Lady Ate Her Baby While Blondie's Head Was Smashed By a Giant Wrecking Ball!"

I could keep going, but I think I just heard a white van pull up outside. The men in the white coats have really awesome drugs, but honestly, the straight-jacket does nothing for my figure or my pale complexion. So I'm going to go hide in the pantry and hope they don't try to bribe me out with a cheeseburger. I fell for that one last week!

• Which is better, sweet or salty?

Hands down it has to be salty! I don't think I have a sweet bone in my body. While I do occasionally get a sweet tooth, I have a very simple cure for it. If you find yourself indulging on too many sweets simply develop a paranoid, completely irrational, and utterly terrifying fear of the DENTIST!!

At first, this will be of little help as most of us pay no attention to the fact sugary sweets rot our teeth. If you are blessed with extremely healthy teeth like mine, you ignor the fact all together. However, if you happen to have a filling that is almost 20-years-old, it will eventually prove effective. You see, I don't think fillings were meant to last 20-years. Especially when they were originally placed in the still-growing mouth of a child. My filling did not come with an expiration date posted on it, however, it has began to fail me in the past few years (much like my mind, after 27 years it's just "not all there").

And that is the cure for your sweet tooth. The minute you give in to the fabulously sinful triple fudge brownie, a single sugar molecule will lodge in the tiny crevice of your tooth sending mind-shattering sensations through each and every nerve ending in your brain! I believe this process takes a few tries because it has to precisely pinpoint the "sweet-tooth nerve" and kill it. But eventually, you will find you have absolutely no desire to eat anything that might remotely resemble sweetness. Of course, this will only work if you can convince yourself the pain a dentist can potentially inflict on your mouth is greater than the pain a grain of sugar inflicts. It takes great resolve, but it is possible to do.

I am fully aware the time will come that I will be in such extreme pain I regret this course of action. However, I strongly believe it will still take a strong tranquilizer and an anvil to the head before they get me into the dentists office. Since tranquilizers and anvils to the head are not recommended for pregnant women, I'm safe for another few months.

• What's the worst pick-up line you've ever heard of used?

The one that sticks in my mind is probably from High School. A cowboy asked this ditzy girl, "You 'un to?" In all seriousness, she looked up at him and said, "Nope, just want one!" Totally clueless!

I'm sure I've heard my fair share of lame pick-up lines, but I tend to let them just go in one ear and out the other. The worst probably referred to something sexual. Of course, we all know that nothing turns a girl on more than a guy who implies she might be easy by making some remark about "getting busy" with a perfect stranger.

• You're driving down the road when suddenly a neighbor you don't know and your beloved pet run into the road. You have to hit one. Which do you choose?

First let me point out we are talking about a person I don't know! Seriously! This person may have their mother locked up in some ramshackled retirement village while they spend her retirement checks. They might have fifteen dead hookers stashed in their basement freezer. They may know where are the neighborhood's missing children have gone. This is a total stranger who just happens to live near me!

My beloved pet, on the other hand, has devotedly been a loving companion. Okay, so he may have eaten a few pairs of shoes, or he might have messed on my Persian rug when he was little, but still, he's always there to great me with a wagging tail (or purring motor if you prefer a feline companion). My pet is always nice to my mother, the mailman, the local hookers, and the neighbor's kids. My pet hates the smell of my Grandmother, growls to scare away the squirrels that get too close to the picture window, and hides in the basement with me when it is stormy! My pet is much nicer than 90% of the humans you will meet on a daily basis!

Therefore, there is no doubt in my mind that I would swerve to miss my pet and plow over the strange neighbor without giving it a second thought! There was one final factor in this decision. My beloved pet has no way of fully understanding the dangers of crossing the street before looking both ways. My neighbor on the other hand is perfectly capable of noticing cars are big and metal while bodies are soft and smushy. I imagine my pet was probably happily confined to my house (or backyard) and is free to cross the street with the neighbor because this shady stranger tried to enter my home (or backyard) thus releasing my dear pet. My pet was simply in the process of making a "citizens arrest" of a local burglar! If the creepy neighbor hadn't been preoccupied with whatever mischief they were up to, they'd have remembered human bodies are squishy and stayed out from under my tires!

And here's how Tink says we should play this game...

Want to play? Leave a comment saying, "Interview me." I'll respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions to be a little more intimate! Then you will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.

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Afterthought: Having just editted this for all my stupid clerical errors, I have learned just how ashamed my English professors would be. I seriously deleted 20 unnecessary cases of the word "that". Did you know THAT I never was too good at grammar? Why must I be so wordy? Seriously, there is a fine line between a "complex sentence" and a "run-on sentence" and I think THAT I tend to cross it from time to time.

Drunken Baby Syndrome

And now for a word from our sponsors!

• Me: (to belly) You've been quiet all day and the minute we sit down by Daddy you start kicking me to death!
• Daddy: That's probably because I just tapped on your belly like fifty times!
• Me: (places hands on head) AHHHH! Bad Daddy!! Bebe have HANGOVER!!
• Daddy: (raising one eyebrow) Have you been drinking?
• Me: Well, no! But she might have been!
• Daddy: (nodding) Oh! Injecting it straight to her are you?
• Me: NO! But I am certain that she's been throwing some CRAZY parties in there!!
• Daddy: (with a very concerned look on his face) There is just ONE in there, right?
• Me: Well, I'm pretty sure she sends her friends home after the party . . . or maybe she's just throwing parties with the voices in her head!
• Daddy: Well! What would you do if you were trapped in a box for NINE MONTHS!!

Manhattan VS. North Platte

VS

Okay, so I'll admit that there are times that I miss the place I grew up. I miss my family and some of my old friends. However, as many of them know, I wouldn't go back for anything. I don't like the people in that area. I generally dislike the environment of the area.

So lets do a little compare and contrast and see if I'm right or if I'm just being stubborn.

• Population of North Platte: 24,324
• Population of Manhattan: 49,462

And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that the bigger the city, the more problems it has and the more crime, drugs, and violence.

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• 93% of North Platte is Caucasian
• 87% of Manhattan is Caucasian

And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that racial diversity leads to gangs, drugs, violence, crime, and inter-racial relationships!

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• 36% of North Platte's population is under 24
• 55% of Manhattan's population is under 24

And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that people under the age of 24 are frigging stupid and they do more drugs, commit more crimes and in general create more havock than older people.

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• Average temperatures in North Platte range from 10 - 89 degrees
• Average temperatures in Manhattan range from 16 - 92 degrees

And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone know that hotter weather means fewer clothes and fewer clothes combined with younger people means more premarital sex (and drugs and crime!)

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• 10% of North Platte's population are below poverty level
• 24% of Manhattan's population are below poverty level

And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that poorer people means more crime, drugs, and violence (and premarital sex!)

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• The average income of a man in North Platte is $36,445
• The average income of a man in Manhattan is $31, 396

And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that men who make more money are clearly smarter and more well behaved than men who make less money.

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• The average income of a woman in North Platte is $20,157
• The average income of a woman in Manhattan is $24,611

And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that a woman should be home cleaning house and raising babies. That's what makes "perfect" families! Women who work obviously have no family values and are more likely to cheat on their partners and spread sexual diseases!

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

• 16% of North Platte's population is over 65
• 8% of Manhattan's population is over 65

And the point goes to... North Platte because Manhattan is clearly no place for your Grandma to live!

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

Clearly, North Platte has won the statistics hand down. Everything indicates that the bigger (more diverse) city of Manhattan is a horrible place to live. No doubt it is full of violent crime, drugs, and sexual misconduct!

So let's check the headlines to see what they have to say.

First, the horrible town of Manhattan:

• Police Department Ponders Salary, Fuel Increases with Budget
• City Seeks More Land To Make Water
• Fort Gets Money For Some Projects
• Insurance May Be Required To Own Dangerous Dogs
• Riley County 4-H To Hold Club Day On Saturday

Now for the upstanding community of North Platte:

• North Platte Woman Shoots Intruder Wednesday Morning
• Electric Rates Going Up Due To Winter Storm
• Theft Conviction No Big Deal When Hiring Computer Tech for Lincoln County
• Father Accused Of Burning Daughter In Bathtub Pleads Not Guilty
• Son in Father-Son Pot-Growing Due Pleads Not Guilty
• Sex Offender Sentenced To Prison

Okay, well it's obvious to me that the media is clearly tainted on this subject. Local reporters must not know what they are talking about. No way that all this violence can take place in such a lovely small town like North Platte. Why is there no violence in Manhattan's news? Obviously, the media is covering up the truth in Manhattan. So let's check out the police blotter to get the real facts.

First the dirt on Manhattan:

• Sunday - 4 probation violations; 1 suspended licence; 1 failure to appear; 1 DUI; 1 criminal damage to property; 1 theft; 1 aggrivated assault; and 1 criminal use of a weapon
• Monday - 1 stolen credit card; 1 report of property damage; a stolen suitcase; a stolen purse; 2 arrests for burglary; 2 reports of sexual battery (in the workplace); 2 DUIs; 2 Disorderly conducts; 1 suspended licence; 2 failure to appears; 1 criminal trespassing; 2 burglary; 2 battery; and 1 unlawful posession of a depressant
• Tuesday - 2 probation violations; 1 failure to appear; 1 DUI; 1 car accident; and 1 case of battery
• Wednesday - 2 failure to appear; 1 DUI; 1 theft; and 1 stolen vehicle involved in a hit and run.

See, I knew Manhattan was horrible. Look at that! In four days there were 10 reports of theft, 4 cases of assault or battery, 6 probation violations, 6 failure to appears, and 5 DUI's! Not to mention there's a weapon charge and a drug charge in there!! I knew this was a bad place to send your daughters (or your grandma)!

I'm sure that North Platte has none of that crazy stuff going on. Surely the police in North Platte are spending their days saving little kittens from trees and rescuing small children from wells! Let's check it out!

• Sunday - 3rd degree domestic assault, felony strangulation, and terroristic threats
• Monday - 3rd degree assault; carrying a concealed weapon and unlawful posession of a weapon; uncontrollable juvenile male; MIP-A; speeding, no valid registration, suspended license, no proof of ownership, and no proof of insurance
• Tuesday - Speeding; disturbing the peace; uncontrollable juvenile female; criminal mischief; 2 cases of loud music; stalking; 2 disturbance calls; 8 thefts; a report of fraud; 2 calls regarding animals; and a death by natural causes
• Wednesday - 1 disturbance; and a homicide.

Clearly these are cases of over-exageration. There is just no way that such a small town could have more violent crimes reported. It simply has to be some clerical error. I don't care if North Platte was nicknamed "Little Chicago" in the 1930's, there is simply no way that the horrible city of Manhattan is better than North Platte. I move that all information obtained from the newspapers should be stricken from the record.

It is obvious to me that North Platte is clearly a much safer area to raise a family and I am a fool for wanting to live anywhere near the city of Manhattan. Clearly, I should have my head examined and move back to the quiet little towns I grew up in!

And if you believe that, I'd like to announce that I am a certified auto-mechanic and I'll give you an excellent rate the next time you vehicle breaks down. Just give me a call at 1-800-BS-AUTOS and I'll be glad to fix all your basic repairs for a fabulously low price!!

People are STUPID!!

Okay, so my mother just posted about a shooting in her area that made the news.

Check out her post HERE.

You can read the newspaper article HERE.
And another article about it HERE.

Basically, to sum it up, a 19-year-old girl heard an intruder outside her boyfriend's trailer. She got a gun & went to the door. The intruder ends up being someone she knows and he pushes his way into the house & will not leave when she threatens him. When he advances further, she shoots him at least twice & kills him.

The real kicker is when you read the comments that were left by readers.
I tried to sort them by subject so that I could address them in groups.

• Why would she go to the door at 2 am. If she was scared enough to grab a gun why not call the police and just stay inside. Sounds fishy to me. (be)
• . . . . so call the cops if he had been breaking in before . . . obviously you knew this was happening, so it was mentally planned, "if he does this again, I'll be ready" so that doesn't make it self-defense to me, it makes it premeditated . . . . (glts)
• . . . . that is why you don't open your front door in the middle of the night. If I was scared to death, I would not even cracked the door. She intended to shoot him before she opened that door. (A)
• . . . . she's so scared she needs a gun, but she opens the door? She knew who it was! . . . . (pg)
• . . . . they said he pushed his way in but she was the one that had the door open to begin with. If she was not comfortable with David then why even open the door a little bit? . . . . (lm)
• . . . . I hope the police look into this very good. There is a lot more to this than meets the eye . . . this is the guy that was at their house many times . . . He was there just the day prior . . . . (kir)

Okay, you think there's an intruder so you grab a gun. You find out that it's just some jerk you know trying to get into your house. You crack the door and tell him to leave but he pushes inside. He doesn't leave when you threaten him. SHOOT THE BASTARD!!

At no time was this girl obligated to go put the gun away just because she found out she knew who was at the door. The fact that she knew him does NOT give him the right to force his way into the house. The fact that she shot him before he could hurt her does NOT automatically put her in the wrong. In most cases where a woman is raped, beaten or killed, the attacker is someone SHE KNOWS!!

Even if she was able to get to phone and call the police to take care of the intruder, a lot can happen between the time she makes the phone call and the time the police actually get organized to enter the home. This man was obviously not phased by her pointing a loaded weapon at him! That in itself is enough of a threat for me to justify shooting him!

• Did he have any kind of weapon? Last I knew you couldn't just shoot people for entering your house . . . . (be)
• . . . . I'm not sure you can just shoot someone even if he enters your home . . . . (vvum)
• If he didn't have a weapon and was not physically threatening her, I think she is in trouble. (w)

Who cares if the man had a weapon or not? As far as I am concerned HE was a weapon! The man spent 12 years in the state pen. He has five felony charges on his record. Two of those are for 3rd Degree Assault! He's been out of prison less than a year. That is enough for me to view the man as a threat and capable of committing violent acts.

• I'd like to know where the boyfriend was during all this. (sf2m)

What does that have anything to do with it? He wasn't home. It doesn't matter if he was at work, at a friends, getting drunk, getting high, or screwing a hooker. She WAS home and she DEFENDED herself!

• . . . . how can any of you say people deserve to die like that. Unless they hurt a child or kill someone. He's not perfect, far from it, but to die? No . . . . (sf2m)
• . . . . no one deserves to be shot. I would rather call the police and let them handle the intruder then take a life . . . . (AR69)

Hate to burst the "life is precious" bubble, but frankly, some people DO deserve to die! Would it make a difference if there had been a child in the house? Would it matter if she had been a 17-year-old girl at her parent's house? Was she supposed to wait until after he had attacked her? Would you have waited until after he attacked you or your wife or your daughter? It's sad, but some people do deserve to die. You can say that you would have rather had the police handle him, but if you were standing face to face with someone who might hurt you, I doubt you would just lay down without a fight and just hope the cops rescued you.

• . . . . were drugs involved? (ps)

I don't care if she was high as a kite. It doesn't matter if she was a junkie. It is irrelivant if they were selling drugs. This is a case of a man who pushed his way into a home and refused to leave when threatened with a weapon. Anything involving drugs is totally unrelated. Half of that town does drugs and a third of those people are in some pretty high positions. Being a "pot head" does not mean that you forfit your right to defend yourself from an intruder!!

• I know who she is and she is full of it. He was probably already in the house and she shot him because he was all cracked out. Why did she have a gun? I know it wasn't hers. (gwts)
• Did the girl have a handgun permit? If not she could be in a lot of trouble. (sf2m)
• A few questions, was the gun legal, or was it even her gun? Why does a 19-year-old have a gun? Why does she know where a gun is in her boyfriend's home? (ps)

A rifle does not require a permit. Any teenager can own a rifle or shotgun. Why wouldn't she know that her boyfriend had a rifle? Are rifles a big secret these days? If she's staying alone in his home, you can probably assume that she knows things a lot more intimate about him than the fact that he has a rifle.

There, I think I've addressed all the ridiculous comments that were left.

I was simply stunned by the stupidity of people and the war that was being waged between people who claim to have known both parties. Out of 159 comments left, only a handful were anything more than rumor, speculation, or accusation. I've simply concluded that people are STUPID and have no lives!! I of course had to read through all of the comments just to remind me of how glad I am that I no longer live in that area.

The gene pool could really use a life guard!!

Yep... It'll SUCK!

So, I thought I'd sum up our birthing classes so far:

• Session #1: Hi, we're pregnant. Yep, you're pregnant too. Guess we're all pregnant here! Hmmm... What should we talk about? Okay, well... Isn't pregnancy fabulous? No? Oh! Okay. Well this is why it sucks (pointing to picture of where all your organs have moved too now that baby has invaded your entire body). So see... it's so much fun being pregnant! Now for a little "birthing porn"! Oh my GOD!! I don't want to see that come out of me let alone some woman I don't know! *pukes in plastic cup* Thanks! Now I picture giving birth to some freaky alien being! Okay Daddies. Time to pamper Mommy! Quiet relaxing technique! Ahhh... wait... how am I supposed to relax when you just showed me way more than I wanted to see & our darling daughter has decided to have a karate class inside me? Okay... this is me being relaxed. Yeppers... I think we're done here. Honey... let's get a burger!

• Session #2: Hi, we're all still pregnant here (had to reintroduce b/c instructor had been sick the 1st night). Soooo... these are the stages of labor. First it sort of sucks. Then it really starts to suck & you might get uncomfortable & cranky. This would be the time to go to the hospital. Once you get to the hospital it's going to suck big time. This is why it sucks. You're squeezing a watermelon out of a 10 centimeter hole. Yes! I said 10 centimeters!! So if you don't take any medicine, here's how bad it'll suck! (watch video about sucky labor). Now lets go look at where all this sucky shit is going to take place. Wasn't that nifty? They'll take real good care of you. So back to today's lesson. Medicine is awesome. BUT.... it has some sucky things too. Here's a list of sucky crap that could happen to you if you take medicine. Now lets see a video about how bad it'll suck if you take meds. (insert video here) So now that we know how bad it's going to suck, let's remind Daddy that Mommy gets to be pampered through this whole process. Now balance on this circus ball and relax. This is how we breathe. In to 4, out to 4... in to 4, out to 4... okay then when it really starts to suck... in to 2, and out to 2... really shallow breaths... in to 2, out to 2... let's practice how we'll breath when it starts to suck. Okay, good job... have a great week!

• Session #3: Welcome back everyone! So these are some things you should bring to the hospital: money, phones or calling cards, phone numbers, slippers, personal hygiene stuff, clothes for you & baby, massage & relaxing stuff, books, etc. Now... lets talk about how much it would suck if you had to have a c-section. These are some reasons why you might need one. If you have one, you'll be awake, but you won't feel a thing. Of course, they won't let you see this because... well, we don't know because no one asked. Anyway, they'll cut you open and take out the baby. It'll take like 5 minutes. Then they'll stitch you back up. Recovery is longer, but other than that it pretty much sucks less than giving labor. Except for the gas pains. Now let's watch a video of a woman who's labor really sucked so she had a c-section to deliver her 9 pound baby. (insert video) Now you know everything will be okay if you do have to have a c-section. So, lets talk about a few more breathing things. When it starts to suck big monkey balls, a good breathing technique through a contraction is "hee hee hoo"... "hee hee hoo"... then when they tell you that you cannot push yet, you'll need to blow out "hoo hoo hoo hoo" not so fast that you hyperventilate though. When they ask you to push, it's like blowing up a balloon. Now lets balance on these circus balls and put your feet up on these chairs. Daddy will squeeze you into a "c" shape so your chin is on your chest. This is a good pushing position. Now remember Daddy... Mommy gets all sorts of pampering. So let's practice hand massages and relaxing techniques.... Ahhh... now isn't that nice? So next week we'll talk about newborns & caring for them. I'll have some new parents bring in their little brats and tell you all about how much labor sucked for them and how great it is to have a baby! Have a great week!

Okay, so I of course have added all the "SUCK" words. But only because the instructor is supposed to make it a positive thing and she can't actually come out and say, "Okay ladies. This is really going to suck! But it'll suck less for you since you're informed about how bad it will suck!"

Honestly, it really has been a good class. But it's still going to SUCK! I have no delussions. I figure if I keep telling myself how much it'll suck then either I'll be fully prepared for the suckiness or I'll be shocked to find it wasn't as bad as I thought. Either way, expecting it to suck & finding out I was right seems a lot better than thinking it'll be a walk in the park and finding out that it REALLY F#$%ING SUCKS!!!

So, please don't burst my bubble by trying to tell me about how much YOUR labor didn't suck! It sucked! You just don't remember it! The proof? You had SEX again!! Amnesia is a disorder that allows a woman who has gone through 9 hours of labor and squeezed a seven-pound screaming lizard out to EVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!!!

Nighty Night

Me: Mommy's tired.
Daddy: Then Mommy should go to bed.
Me: I'm going to. And I'm taking the baby with me.
Daddy: (wrapping arms around my belly) Nope! I wanna keep the baby tonight!
Me: (staring speechless)
Daddy: (laughing at expression on my face)
Me: Well... um... hmm... let's see if we can figure this one out.
Daddy: (grinning)
Me: Nope. Sorry, I've got nothing.
Daddy: (kissing belly) Fine then, just take her to bed with you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A few nights ago

Daddy: (kissing me) Goodnight Princess 2! (kissing belly) Goodnight Princess 1!
Me: Hey! Wait a minute! Why does she get to be Princess 1? I was here first!!
Daddy: (kissing belly again) Well, because she's cuter!
Me: (pretending to be mad) *hmph!*
Daddy: Goodnight sweetheart! I love you!

Daddy's Lucky Charm

Last night was hilarious!

Daddy Dearest gets a phone call asking him if he'd like to play poker. Since it's Spring Break and I'm totally bored out of my mind, he asked me if I wanted to go with. I agreed and got dressed.

Now, while the guys he plays poker with are mutual friends that we both used to work with, I haven't gone with him in over 7 months. Needless to say, pregnancy and a full-time job make for a very exhausted (and anti-social) Mommy.

So, we get ready and get in the car to go.

At this point, Daddy Dearest informs me that he isn't sure if the guys know I'm pregnant. I burst into hysterical laughter. "You mean you see these guys about once a month & it's never crossed your mind to tell them you're having a baby?"

He's laughing now too. "Well, it just never really came up."

About five minutes later I start laughing again. "I'm picturing the phone call. 'Hey man, wanna come play poker?' 'Sorry, I can't tonight, I'm in labor and delivery!' That'd baffle them!"

So anyway, we get to W's house and Daddy proudly announces that he brought his girls with him as he pats my belly! Everyone says how good it is too see me and how long it's been, but they don't comment on the obviously enlarged belly.

About thirty minutes into the poker game, W stops and looks at Daddy. "Okay man! I've gotta ask. Did you tell us you were having a baby?" Through our laughter Daddy says he didn't think that he had. Now that the ice has been broke, the door is open for a string of hilarity over the subject.

• Well that's a relief! I was pretty certain that wasn't just weight gain but I didn't really want to come out and say "Hey girl! Did you know you're pregnant?"
• (after following me down the staircase) "So, do you have to balance different when you have a baby?"
• (while rocking the step that I'm sitting on in the back yard) "If I rock this hard enough will it induce labor?"
• (handing me a second taste of his fabulous cheeseball) "Since I gave Daddy a beer for the baby, here's some more cheeseball for you!"
• We never see you anymore! You don't come out drinking with us any more! Geeze!

Amazingly, with 10 people in the house who hadn't seen me in months there we NO comments about my weight, size or looks. I had a blast just listening to the conversations and watching the poker game.

Daddy Dearest won by a landslide. He knocked two people out in one hand with pocket aces. There were several times that he pulled it out on the river and many hands that he would have won with "crappy" cards if he'd have stayed in the round. He decided that his little girl is his "lucky charm".

Check Mate

This conversation was brought to you by the word "ouch".

*after discussing whether to have an epidural or not*

Daddy: You know that pain is all in your head?
Me: You realize if you tell me that in the middle of labor I'll knock your head off?
T: *laughing*
Daddy: I wouldn't do that, but I'm telling you now.
Me: I realize that but I hope that you get a kidney stone someday!
T: My boss had a kidney stone. You could see the pain all over his face.
Me: I bet. Kidney stones are all sharp and spikey. OUCH!
Daddy: If I get a kidney stone, I'm going to the hospital and having them enduce a coma. Wake me when it's over and I won't feel any pain!
Me: But honey, the pain is all in your head!
T: *laughing* Check MATE!

Yet another FAT wise crack!

*looking up at Baby Ticker*

Okay, as if I haven't already mentioned that the past two days I've been a target for unauthorized (and very unwelcomed) comments about my knocked-up state... I just now read that ticker!

"Mommy is gaining a pound a week. Lay off the cake woman! You're not REALLY eating for two."

You know, that just takes the cake. haha... yeah, that's soooo NOT funny!! Damn people and their stupid WISE-ASS remarks! I'm going to go eat a pint of ice-cream to calm my nerves!

The Moral Dilema

To be honest or not?

On one hand I could say, "Those are the ugliest pants I've ever seen and it drives me nuts everytime you wear them!"

On the other hand, I like my friend and she likes her pants and I wouldn't hurt her feelings like that.

On one hand I could say, "You know, if you're going to schedule a maintence check at least show up on the day that you schedule it. It really annoys me that I have to continue to wear all my clothing (including a bra) for an extra four hours, only to find that it is getting late & I have been stood up!!"
On the other hand, I like my housing director & my maintence guy. I like having things fixed in my apartment. I like that they like me & therefore don't cause me any undue grief over minor things.


On one hand I could say, "To hell with you people! You're all a bunch of childish assholes and I can't believe that I am actually related to you shitheads! Grow the F#$% UP!!"
On the other hand, I love my family and 90% of the time we have a pretty good time when we all get together.


So you see, I have this moral dilema. On one hand there is this "generally" honest person who doesn't usually have a problem speaking her mind. On the other hand, being 100% honest 100% of the time could make my life very miserable in the long run.


In my next life I want to be a mayfly. No moral dilema's there. You're born, you get laid, you have a kid, you die... all in a matter of days! No time for drama, moral dilemas or contemplating how to be the "better" mayfly. Just mind-boggling, die happy, SEX!

Congratulations!!

Suburban Turmoil blogger, Lindsey, had her baby!!

"Bruiser" was born at 3:48 pm on Wednesday, March 14th, 2007!

He was 10 lbs, 1/4 oz and 22 inches long!!

A HUGE CONGRATS IS IN ORDER!!

(so get your butts over there and congratulate her! Any woman who has a 10+ pound baby deserves tons of "happy thoughts".)

Think before you speak!

Things I've heard in the past 48 hours:

• "You're looking very... pregnant!" -- hmmm... you look very... UGLY!!
• "You look like you're ready to be done with this." -- No kidding? Actually, I was just starting to enjoy myself! I thought I might put off delivering her until next year!
• "Goodness! You just keep getting bigger!" -- I'm pregnant... What's you excuse?
• "You're starting to walk differently. Are you starting to feel it?" -- I hardly noticed I was carrying around a 25 pound basketball on my stomach! Think about that question the next time someone asks you to move their television. Then imagine walking around all day carrying that television because they can't decide where they want you to sit it down at!
• "Haven't you had that baby yet?" -- Yes! But I decided I enjoy looking like a hippo and not seeing my feet, so I had fat implants added in all the right places!

The next time you want to make a comment to a pregnant woman you need to think about a few things:

• Imagine you've been walking around for the past few months carrying an awkward box and every week, someone adds a few more items to the box but never lets you put it down to rest.
• Then imagine that you still have to get dressed, go to work, function normally, and sleep while holding onto that box.
• Now picture how wonderful it is to hear people tell you everyday just how tired or fat you look.
• Then assume that you are a woman who has had a horrible day AND is on the worst day of her period with raging hormones and homocidal tendancies.
• Once you have pictured the above scenerio, think very carefully about the words that are about to exit your mouth. If you believe that you could calmly smile and continue on your day, feel free to risk speaking your mind. However, having pictured the above situation, if you think there is the slightest chance that hearing what you have to say might inspire you to purchase a handgun and let the whole world know just how you feel, it might be best to simply smile and move on.

Just a Response Letter

This is my delayed explanation for my recent irritation with my family...

Let's recap what has happened since Christmas:

• I was informed that my mother couldn't have a family heirloom because she'd just put it in her basement! -- hmm... sounds like a shitty excuse to me. So she values her items so she keeps them safe. It's not like she has a lot of company to show them off to... yet?
• My family was left out of the loop on whether or not a ceratin family member was recovering okay. -- Seriously, even when my family found out she was okay, no one bothered to let them know when she made it home from the hospital!
• My family gets snowed in without electricity and no one else in the family calls to see if they are okay. -- They did of course take the time to call me & see if I was snowed in. I did not answer the call, nor did I return it because frankly I figured they could check The Weather Channel and know I didn't get any snow!
• I get a letter asking me if I'm upset about anything and begging me to let them know if I am. -- Obviously, if you have reason to suspect that I'm upset, I probably am! However, upset pregnant women should not make phone calls or write letters to people they are extremely pissed off at! Not to mention the fact that the letter clearly misrepresented the truth of what actually happened.
• My family finally gets a phone call. -- The caller, however, does not ask about my mother. Basically, it was just a call to see if the snow had melted (ummm... it's 70 degrees out, what do you think?) and to see if my Dad had talked to me.

Now that we're all up to speed on the comings and goings of the family business. Let me explain a few simple facts:

• I do not appreciate hearing about my mother's mistakes, misgivings, errors, flaws, or aspects that you otherwise dislike about her. I have NO disallusions about who my mother is or how she thinks. I have NO confusions about my mother's past. I have NO tolerance for ANYONE who cannot keep their DAMN opinions to themselves on the subjects of my mother, her past, how she raised me, or what they think of her.
• I do not care if it's a 200-year-old heirloom that has passed through generations of our family. I will not accept, display or otherwise store any family item that did not take it's proper course. If you feel there is an item that you desperately wish for me to have, then very simply, you need to offer it to my mother. It's not a complicated process. In any normal family it would be pretty easy to understand. When she kicks the bucket, I GET IT ALL!! Such are the joys of being an ONLY CHILD!! I don't have to fight over anything!! IT'S MINE!!!!
• and...
• This is not a negotiable situation! Blame the hormones. Blame the fact that I'm a selfish only child. Blame it on whatever you want. It will not change the fact that the reason I am being this way is because I refuse to let my daughter be exposed to the messed up family environment that I grew up in. When you finally come to terms with this fact (I know it might take a while because you've spent years placing the blame elsewhere, and you have no remorse for your own mistakes) and accept that YOU are the only one you can blame, then maybe we can make progress towards fixing the problem.

And further more...

• You have FOUR children! I realize that only THREE of them went on to procreate children from which you could JUDGE them by, however, you STILL have FOUR CHILDREN!! And there are some things that you should know about your FOUR children:
• NONE of them are PERFECT!!
• ALL of them made their fair share of MISTAKES!!
• NONE of them have totally ruined their lives!!
• ALL of them are worthy of being PROUD OF!!
• NONE of them deserve to be spoke ill of by their own parents!!
• ALL of them deserve your LOVE!!
• They may not ALL have married PERFECT people!
• They may not ALL have raised PERFECT children!
• They may not ALL have kissed you ass at every given moment!
• They may not ALL do things you agree with!
• BUT... they are ALL your children... and if they have ANY flaws that you cannot handle, you need to remember that YOU raised ALL of them!!

And still...

• YOU did NOT raise ANY of your grandchildren!
• YOUR grandchildren were raised by their parents!
• If you think so HIGHLY of your GRANDCHILDREN you should THANK their parents!

And last but not least, a few more reasons that you should be THANKFUL for ALL of you children...

• They love you, despite YOUR flaws.
• They allowed you to be around your grandchildren, despite YOUR mistakes.
• They did great jobs of raising their children, despite YOUR example.
• They all sorted through their issues and have finally found happiness, despite YOUR opinions.

Now that everything is all laid out on the table, I think you need some time to reflect on these issues. When I feel that these issues have been resolved, and I feel like moving past this, I will let you know. Until then, I suggest you either find a way to rectify the situation, or you find someone else to blame and come to terms with the fact that I will not tolerate it any more.

Ellie's Space!

Thank you to Ellie's Auntie for giving her all the stuff her cousin outgrew.

A cradle...

A jumper...

And a bunch of clothes that Ellie's cousin outgrew...

Oh, and these adorable onsies!!And last but not least, a 41" pic from this week (#31)

9 weeks left to go!!

Fun with Sarcasm

Okay, so every now and then I get really bored because I have NO LIFE!! It's my own fault, I know, but honestly, I sold my life to the devil. I know it sounds crazy, but you didn't see that dress! It was so adorably and it looked so HOT on me. And I knew I couldn't afford it. I tried to sell my soul for it, but the devil just laughed at me. He never came right out and said it, but I'm pretty sure he must already own my soul. Probably won it in a poker game or something. Anyway, the point is, I ended up selling my life to the devil and now I have NO LIFE!! (But I have one AWESOME dress so I don't care!)

Normally, having no life doesn't really bother me. I can easily pass through most of the day without even noticing my total lack of a life. Unfortunately, there are days like today that just seem to drag on and on and on and you get the drift. On days like this, I start to wonder if maybe that dress wasn't worth selling my life. I mean, the dress doesn't even fit me right now in my current state of third-trimester-hipponess! But then I go look at the dress and think, "Oh, yes! Definately worth it!"

So back to my point. When I get really bored with having no life, I start surfing the web and inevitably I stumble across some random survey filled with pointless questions that I must obsessively answer. A normal person would be able to pass these surveys by without giving them a second thought, but I have no life and simply have no better way to pass the long hours of a day.

But in filling out these surveys I find that they have some of the most pointless questions in them and after you've filled in a half a dozen of them they start to become just as boring as watching the grass grow or the paint dry. So I thought I'dspiceit up a little bit.

Today, when I fill out my "bored-out-of-my-mind Survey" I fully intend to put my art of total sarcasm to the test. And if you too are bored out of your mind, you can see if you can figure out which answers are truthful, and which ones are pure sarcasm.

Here we go:

1. Do you snore, walk or talk during your sleep? I suspect that I actually go out and commit serious criminal violations during my sleep. I, of course, have no recollection of these events. However, I have reason to believe it is the only explanation for the vividly violent dreams I recall the next morning and the achiness I experience when getting out of bed.
2. Have you ever gotten lost in the dark? Not that I recall! Oh, wait! There was that rainy night in the city when I ended back at the airport when I was trying to get back to my dorm room. I finally got my bearings and decided that skipping the country probably wasn't the best way to avoid those dreaded final exams!
3. What are you looking forward to? While I'm really looking forward to meeting our little girl in a couple of months, I must confess that I am absolutely thrilled at the idea of all the extra sleep I'll be able to catch up on once our little one finally makes her grand entry!
4. Ever licked someone's cheek? But of course! I make it a regular habit of licking people on the cheek. How else are you supposed to know if they taste good or not? I've licked many a cheek in my lifetime!
5. Do you have any bad habits? Yes! I'm pregnant! If you believe everything you read then everything I do is probably a bad habit! I eat fast food, drink soda, and expose myself to unhealthy air. I gas up my own car, carry in my own groceries, and pig out on salami. I eat steak that isn't well done, spend too much time at my computer, and generally sit on my butt too much.
6. What are the last two numbers in your cell phone list? Depends on which list you're talking about. If it's my contacts, they're listed alphabetically so at the bottom you will find the numbers to Xtreme Adventures (bungee jumping, rock climbing, etc.) and the local XXX movie store.
7. Can you do a split and a straddle? Tell me, when was the last time you saw a pregnant woman do the splits? Honestly, even if I could have dislocated both hips in a fashion that would allow me to do the splits previously, there is no doubt that such a feat is utterly impossible when you are carrying a twenty-five bound basketball on your stomach! Now the straddle, that's a different story. I believe the straddle may have been the activity that got me knocked up in the first place!
8. Can you touch your toes? Touch my toes? I can't even SEE my toes! I've got an extra 15 inches of stomach protruding in a frontward manner! I haven't seen my toes in months!!
9. Have you recently been dumped? Well, I think he might have thought about it. As much as the poor guy has to put up with from an overly-emotional pregnant chick, I don't doubt that he's considered skipping out until after the baby arrives. However, he saw that thing in the news about the crazy astronaut chick and he got to thinking about all the things that his knocked-up girlfriend might do to him if he skipped out on her in the middle of this pregnancy. He decided that putting up with me was worth being alive to see his little girl.
10. Have you recently talked to an ex? No, I really only have one ex that I actually talk to on occasion, but these days I don't hear too much from him. I actually talk to his girlfriend more than I talk to him.
11. Name 6 things in your room: (see if you can pick out the 4 I really have in the room) A purple crack pipe, a mutilated copy of The Holy Bible, a stack of porn magazines, a voodoo doll of my ex-husband, a creepy gothic baby doll that scares visitors, and a dead animal's skull!
12. What if you found out you were adopted? There is no doubt in my mind that my mother DID adopt me from some aliens who were passing through. Their ship crashed in her back yard and after the repairs were made the damage was too severe to take me with them. My mother was SUPPOSED to get me a refrigerator box so that I could create a spaceship and fly back home. However, she is just too selfish and decided that she kind of liked having me around. Therefor, I never got my box and now I'm too fat to fly! But I forgive her, because frankly, she's only human.
13. Is there peanut butter and jelly in your fridge? No, I keep my peanut butter in the cupboard. But yes, there are four kinds of jelly in my fridge! And just for the record, asking a pregnant woman questions about food is very dangerous to your health. You might end up with puke on your shoes. However, in this case, it simply inspired me to get up and make a peanut butter and blackberry jelly sandwich. Lucky for you I DID have peanut butter and jelly in the house or else I would have been dining on a sandwich made out of cheese and the fingers I cut off someone's hand last week for trying to steal my food!
14. A bad rumor that you heard about yourself: There's this crazy rumor going around right now that I'm PREGNANT!! Can you believe that? It's actually kind of a relief though because I don't have to explain to everyone that all this extra belly is actually caused from eating too many of the neighborhood children. That's right! There IS a baby in my belly! I ATE IT!!
15. Do you curse? Hell no. Who the F$%! curses? I D@mn well better not hear anyone I know cursing around me. I just don't tolerate that F$%!ing Sh!t.
16. If your ex asked you back out, what would you say? Well, after I picked my fat ass up off of the floor, I'd probably look him in the eye and inform him that it would be a cold day in Hades before I ever even considered speaking to him again. Through my hysterical laughter I'd probably elaborate further by informing him that I was so sorry he couldn't find someone else to put up with his sorry ass. While wiping away my tears of laughter, I'd be inclined to make some wise crack about how his boys can't swim and how maybe he should consider a serious committed relationship with his hand. Then I'd kick him in the nuts and slam the door!
17. Ever watch the show "Gay, Straight, or Taken"? No, but I lived it. I think the verdict is still out on my ex-husband!
18. What are you wearing? I'm sitting here butt ass naked with the curtains wide open and some Indy-Rock music blaring in the background. I figured it would keep the Jehovah Witnesses from disturbing my Saturday!
19. How many drugs have you done in the past? Well, when I found out I was pregnant I decided it would be best if I hung up my crackpipe and overcame my heroine addiction. I can't really tell you how many drugs I've done in the past because frankly I was so high at the time off of anything I could find that I don't remember if my baby's father is the man I'm dating now or that punk rocker who passed through town a few months back.
20. Who was the last person you kissed? I kissed Daddy Dearest several times before I went to bedlast night. Prior to that there was the neighbor girl who just moved in next door and the hooker I hired the other night.
21. Where are you exactly? I'm currently sitting in my apartment, in the office/livingroom area, in a black office chair, with my feet kicked up on a storage box underneath the desk. My mind, however, is sitting on the beach in a lounge chair, wearing a string bikini, and drinking tropical mixtures from a coconut shell while a well-oiled cabana boy is fanning me with a palm leaf and a woman is painting my toenails.
22. Do you have any siblings? I get so tired of answering this question... I have 3 half-sisters, 2 half-brothers, 1 adopted brother, 1 step-brother, 1 step-sister, a couple of ex-step-siblings, 2 not-quite-step-brothers, 1 not-quite-foster-sister, 2 ex-brother-in-laws, 1 not-quite-sister-in-law, 1 not-quite-brother-in-law, and various other stray siblings that have passed through the family hedge over the years.
23. What does the 4th message in your text inbox say? "Oh yeah? Well I had a guy come to the door and proceeded to rub his nipples and say, 'Hey big boy, I heard it was free pizza night.' How could I resist?"
24. What did you do last night? Let's see, I listened to a man tell me about how I could make money as long as I had a pu$$y. Then I invited the pizza delivery guy over for a good time. Afterwards, I drove all over town pissed off because the local theater was supposed to have an awesome show, but one of the performers couldn't find his car keys and the whole thing was canceled.
25. What is in the trunk of your car? A jack, some blankets, a spare tire, my drug stash, two dead bodies, and a sawed off shotgun!

Now wasn't that entertaining. Let the fun begin. Some of them are 100% true. Some of them are 100% false. And still others have some truth but it's masked under a serious case of sarcasm. See if you can figure out fact from fiction! You don't have to decide on all them to play. I'd be satisfied with "I think that #24 is completely B.S." I'll straighten out the facts for any of them you get wrong! Have fun!

All Points Bulletin

Missing: One Crazy Cousin!!

Last seen on Tuesday right before an episode of HOUSE!

Family & friends are greatly concerned that she may have fallen out into the "real" world. Blogland will not be the same until she is safely returned.

Authorities are investigating many possible scenerios.

Family fears that HOUSE withdrawl may have gotten the better of her 5 seconds before the episode aired. They are greatly concerned that she might have thrown herself at the mercy of the TROLLS!!

A search of all area blogs has returned no leads.

If you or someone you know has any information regarding the whereabouts of this missing blogger, please report it to the Blogland Police Department. It is vital that we find this Crazy Cousin before she becomes too wrapped up in the "real" world to take the time to blog for us!!

Just Warning You In Advance

It became obvious to me today that I am clearly a glutton for punishment.

I generally like to pace myself when it comes to running errands an such. Nothing upsets my world as much as a day that is absolutely packed with necessary duties. It's not really laziness. I have no problem doing the things that need to be done, I simply like to pace myself when it comes to completing tasks. I find that it makes life much more satisfying if you can come home at the end of the day feeling as if you've accomplished what needed to be done, still have time to finish the things you left undone, and can still muster enough energy to enjoy a few hours of down time at home.

This has never been so important to me as it is at this point in my pregnancy. Time and energy are a precious commodity for me these days and I've become an expert at conservation. Aside from actually being sick, nothing is more exhausting - both physically and emotionally - as a day that just doesn't seem to end.

However, I have found that pregnancy has yet another trick up its sleeve - doctor's appointments. For someone who works full-time, it is a daunting task to try to juggle all of your appointments with a work schedule. My boss is very good about letting me have off any days I need for appointments, but my strong work ethic inspires me to try and schedule them all in the same day (especially on a week when we have Friday off to start with).

Thus, proof that I am glutton for punishment. I believe I may have gone overboard on Monday's schedule.

• 9:00 AM -- Wake up
• 9:30 - 10:00 AM -- Go to the bank for some cash
• 10:30 AM -- Leave to go to town
• 11:00 -11:30 AM -- Appointment with nurse to discuss Month 8!!
• 11:30 - NOON -- Appointment with counselor to discuss parenting issues.
• BREAK FOR LUNCH
• 1:00 - 1:15 PM -- Prenatal appointment with the doctor
• WASTED TIME (not long enough to go home)
• 3:00 PM - GOD KNOWS WHEN -- 6 month appointment with eye doctor that I moved up so they could look at this stupid black spot that is driving me batty!
• MORE WASTED TIME (still not worth going home)
• 6:00 - 8:30 PM -- Birth & Labor classes at the hospital
• 9:00 PM -- Finally back home!!

So needless to say, you probably won't hear from me all day on Monday. And if you do, you might want to cut me some slack because I doubt I'll be in the most chipper of moods. I dunno, something about four appointments followed by two and a half hours of class, makes me think I'll be utterly spent by the time I get home.

All I can say is, "What the hell was I thinking?"

Cops are Stupid!!

Let's set up the scenerio:

A 350 pound man and his 120 pound girlfriend get into a verbal dispute in the front lawn. Aside from words, the only thing that made this incident any different that a normal lover's spat was the fact that the girl threw a glass of water at her boyfriend. A neighbor called the local police to report the disturbance.

So what do you think happened?

I'm thinking the biggest thing here might be a disturbing the peace charge. Apparently, our local police had a different perspective.

Here's what happened:

The cops arrived and separated the couple who had since made up and were hugging. Both are asked if the girl had hit the man. Both tell the police that she did not hit the man. A rookie cop informs them that they have reason to believe that she DID hit him. The young woman is handcuffed, despite the protests of her boyfriend. Scared and confused, the girl is near hysterics. Her boyfriend has to beg the officer to loosen the cuffs on his girlfriend. He is not allowed near her to help calm her down. The girl is hauled off to the police station where she is booked and put in a holding cell on the charge of "battery". A no-contact restraining order is filed on the boyfriend's behalf which prevents him from being able to talk to her or even get her out of jail. He quickly gets ahold of the girl's father who comes to the station and bails her out. This whole process takes several hours. During this time, the girl is locked in a holding cell scared and slightly "spazzing". Her behavior causes the officers to ask her whether or not she is on drugs. She explains to them that she does not do drugs, she simply has ADD. The officers inform her that she just needs to keep that to herself and that they do not want it. Her father is finally able to get her out of jail and take her home. The no-contact restraining order bans the young couple from having any contact with each other for a period of 72 hours. When it's all said and done, the couple has to appear in court (and pay court costs) just so the boyfriend can inform the judge that "No, he does not want to press charges!"

Seriously, I realize that this system was set up to protect women (and men) who ARE being abused by their partners, but are afraid to defend themselves. However, this seems a bit ridiculous! It was all the boyfriend could do to keep from defending his girlfriend physically and ending up in jail himself. While all of this was taking place, some man or woman really was being abused by their partner and no one was doing anything about it!!!