There Once Was an Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe

SHE HAD SO MANY CATS - She didn't know what to do!!

I need to tell you about my mother. My mother is an animal person. There has not been a moment in her life when there wasn't at least one animal in her home. For most of my adult life, my parents have had two dogs and a house cat. That's it. Three pet maximum. No way we were going to have more.

However, as the years progress, the cattle herd is getting smaller and smaller. The number of farm cats is increasing at a rapid rate! One of two things is happening:

1) Longhorn cows ate carnivores who eat farm cats and without cows, the cat population is booming

OR

2) My mother has found her true calling as a cat herder!!

The funny thing is, we can all remember, not too long ago, when there was only ONE outside cat.

She showed up on my mother's porch, fat and miserable one day. Three days later she dropped a litter of 6 kittens on my mother's porch. Mom picked them up, loved them, cared for them.

My mother is a very loving person (to animals) and she was diligent about making sure that these little kittens were protected from the elements.

She provided them with a safe place to escape the common dangers that outdoor cats face when they live on a farm.

And with her care and protection, they learned all they needed to know about living on a farm and defending themselves.

The thing about farm cats is that you never really know what they are doing behind your back! I mean, sure, you hope that they are doing something contructive with their time away from you and you hope that they are learning all that they can in this big wide world. You have dreams of them going on to higher education and makin something of themselves.

But the sad truth is that many young cats are lost along the way. As for my mother's young prodigy kittens, they weren't the brightest crayons in the box. They were habitually getting up trees that they couldn't get down out of. My mother, caring more for her kittens than her own self-image, hung sleeping bags, blankets and ladders in the trees so that her kittens could get back down safely. No, these creatures showed no promise of ending up in an Ivy League college! Instead, the four females tried their hand at bikini modeling.

While these young ladies were off trying to make a name for themselves, Mama Grey returned home and to noone's suprise, she was wide as a house! Determined that Mama Grey would not be dropping this litter on her front porch, my mother put her in the milkhouse. Soon afterwards, Mama grey gave birth to five beautiful baby girls. My mother helped to keep these kittens safe and secure until they were weaned. Once again, the moment that big day came, Mama Grey up and disappeared again.

About a week later, three major events happened that may change the course of the world as we know it. First, the original four female cats returned. Now these porn queens were all grown up and with their careers on the fritz they were forced to come home with nothing but the fur on their backs. What a suprise, all four females were walking four-legged watermelons!! Secondly, Mama Grey also returned with her own fantastic watermelon belly! The final life-changing event was that the youngest five female cats all came of age!!

You got it! My mother now has the original Mama Grey and her first four female all knocked up and about to pop. Along with five younger females which will no doubt be knocked up since they don't seem to have any moral delima about inviting every boy cat in the county over for their drunken parties!

Fortunately, like any protective mother, my Mom is all about instilling higher standards in the girls. Of course, these young ladies don't always listen to mother so Mom has no choice but to instill her good values upon the seven Tom cats that decided to move in. So how exactly do you reason with a horny male cat? The same way you reason with a horny male teenager! She uses a gun!

Slowly the Tom's started to get the message! "If you're going to mess with Mom's girls, you better find a way to get them out of the house because Mama's got a GUN!"

Okay, so the first one didn't seem to understand the message.

*BAM!!*

and there were

SIX!!

In the middle one dark night, Mom caught one of the boys with her girls.

*BAM!!*

and there were

FIVE!!

One of those boys was a nasty, disease carrying, ugly fucker!

*BAM!*

and there were

FOUR!!

One of them was just a really wierd fucker that kept trying to hump the turkeys.

*BAM!*

and there were

THREE!!

One of them got smart, gave up and went to find an easier piece of ass down the road.

Of the TWO remaining, one was a beautiful solid black (as Mom says "scary voodoo black") Tom cat. And the other was the half brother to all of these sluts!

Since Mom was in no mood to deal with any six-legged, four-eyed hermophrodite freaks of nature, she decided that Little Boy needed to take a trip down the road. She had high hopes that if she could just get him away from these mind-numbing whores, he'd be able to go out and make something of himself. Perhaps, after all her hard work, there might just be hope for one of them!! She takes him down the road in the truck. They drive all the way to the highway. She wishes him well and leaves him some change for a cab.

That night, she goes to the barn to check on things and out of the darkness steps

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LITTLE BOY!!

*Bam!*

And then there was

ONE!

So there you have it folks. This week, Mom has the cat population weaned down to 10 females and a nice looking Tom. Of course, I'm not sure the Tom will have a whole lot to keep him occupied since half of the females are ready to pop any day!!

By the time all these girls get done with this "round" of kittens, the farm will officially have a higher population than the nearest town!

Even the cats are going to start freaking out. They'll be tripping on acid and wondering why little blue cats are eating all of the puppy chow!!

Sooner or later, Mom will have to start training some of the cats to do her dirty work for her. The cost of weapons and ammo alone should be enough to file for bankruptsy.

At this point I'll be unable to visit her because the cats will have watch towers alongside the cattle guard. Each person coming and going will be strip searched to assure that thy are not smuggling cats in. Violators will be shot on sight!

So the next time you visit, BEWARE!! There may be 5 cats or there may be 500 cats. If we could just find a market for hairballs and dirty litter droppings she might be able to afford her cat-food.

Personally, I could solve all of my Mom's feline problems.

She's just got to find that one special kitty that doesn't take shit from the other kitties!!

SPAY & NEUTER YOUR PETS!!

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(or shoot them)

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before they become

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ZOMBIE KITTIES!!