Yes, She ALWAYS smiles for the camera!!

We're #1

----------*----------

I'm a little munchkin child!!

----------*----------

Come any closer and I'll sock you one!

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Happy Holidays!!

My latest accomplishment!

About a week ago, I recieved a postcard from an "anonomous" mailer letting me know that there would be a party for my great-uncles birthday.  Since my mother had recieved a phone call a few days prior, it was no surprise that there was a party.  It was, however, a surprise to find the postcard in the mail THE DAY BEFORE the "party"!!  Unfortunately, much like our summer camp out, I was unable to attend on such a short notice!

 

Upon closer examination, I realized that the "mystery mailer" had suddenly forgotten my name!  I realize that I haven't spoken to anyone in a while, but I'm pretty sure there are enough gossip-mongers around to spread the news if I had run off with the pizza boy and changed my name to SNITZLEBOGGER MCGOOGLETON!!

 

Further examination, revealed my address was wrong, which probably (along with no last name) contributed to the late arrival of my postcard.  I find it very difficult to believe that the "mystery mailer" was capable of remembering my zip code, but somehow forgot my house number by accident.

 

At this point I became a little bit irked.  Honestly, why in the world would you take the time to invite me to a party and then intentionally forget my name, miswrite my address, and then not even sign the postcard (I mean photograph you wrote on the back of) with your name or return address?  WHAT A WASTE OF A STAMP!!  If you were trying to punish me, you might start by keeping me away from things I like.  Eating dinner at a cheesy western bar with a bunch of 70-year-olds is not my idea of great excitement!!  Gee, real sorry I missed out on all that excitement!!

 

So today, I finally found the time to be a real BITCH!

 

I sent a postcard with these two maps on the front:

Then, I took a knife and cut out a square in Nebraska where my parents live, and a square in Kansas where I live.

 

Written in the upper left, it says:

 

Since you find it

so hard to simply

APPOLOGIZE

for being WRONG!

Written in the bottom right:

Maybe it

will be easier

if you just

DO THIS!

On the back I wrote:

I'm not dumb enough to believe you lost my

address or accidentally forgot how to write it

correctly.  I'm not stupid enough to think that

you forgot what MY LAST NAME WAS!  And

I don't think it's a coincidence that your post-

card arrived in my mail the day before the party!

 

GROW UP!!!

 

Since you can't act like adults, please forget

where I live, lose my address, erase my phone

number AND forget any "holidays".

 

AND LEAVE MY PARENTS ALONE!!  You

didn't give a shit when it mattered so don't

bother them now!

Along the bottom edge I placed our latest family pic, a pic of Ellie, and two 3-generation photos.  Of course, I couldn't resist strategically placing hearts over Ellie's face in ALL of the pictures! (that was the influence of my mother & co-worker)

 

Then I wrote near the pictures in small print:

Does this make

you mad?

I'd apologize

but I don't

think I've done

anything

wrong!

Hand written along the middle edge it says:

Looks like childish bullshit is contagious!

Since I wanted to be sure my postcard arrived, I did not omit the last name... instead I mispelled it henDICKS!!!  Then I addressed it to the wrong P.O. Box (40 instead of 42).

 

I will be mailing this postcard today or tomorrow... oh the joys!

 

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO MESS WITH ME???!!!

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Guess Who?

Mommie & Ellie on Halloween 2007 at the Mall.

Dressed up as a school girl with an apple!

When Grandma & Grandpa Visit

Once upon a time in a tiny little apartment there lived three little bears. A Daddy bear, a Mommie bear, and a baby Ellie bear. One weekend, Grandma Bear and Grandpa Bear were visiting. The first night, all of the Bears piled into the little one bedroom apartment and everything was fine and dandy.

On the second day, Grandma Bear, Mommie Bear and Baby Ellie Bear went shopping and had their pictures taken.

Baby Ellie Bear had a couple of pictures taken of herself too.
But she was not impressed when Mommie Bear and Grandma Bear decided to smother her in kisses.
After some more kisses, a lengthy shopping spree, and a stupid cashier who thought I wouldn't say anything about $8.11 cents worth of coupons that she just sat aside without crediting... the Lady Bears went back to their small cave resort.

Later that evening Goldilocks stumbled by with her two cubs dressed for Halloween. The genearal assumption is that Goldilocks wanted to ask Mama bear to give her a ride to the Halloween party, but since Goldilocks has been especially crappy lately (and Mommie Bear thinks she'd make an entertaining tether ball) Grandma Bear answered the door with teeth bared. Goldilocks did not ask if we had any chairs, porridge or cozy beds, but instead went begging elsewhere. A wise decision since I'm not sure I had any toothpicks around for Grandma Bear to pick her teeth with. Also, I don't think there's enough Listerine in the world to get that BAD TASTE out of Grandma Bears mouth.

Anyway, all was good and fun. Grandma and Grandpa Bear seemed to have a good time and we enjoyed having them here to visit. Hopefully next time they visit, we'll have a little bigger cave to give us all a little more elbow room.

Love & Kisses,

THE BEAR (not BARE) FAMILY!!

** Stay tuned for the tortures of Halloween and other pictures snapped this weekend.

Fabulous Deals 10/21

Since I'm a Mommie now, I'm always on the look out for fabulous deals, freebies, and good coupons. Cousin Mole, having given birth to Deadbeat Dyke's lovechild, is also on the lookout for good deals. As a result, I'm dedicating a whole new section to shopping bargains, excellent coupons, and freebies. Anytime I find something awesome/useful/relatively handy, I'll post it to share with all.

What makes me different from other people who list free stuff? I don't list the "SCAMS".

FREE-LOADER TIP #1 - if you are looking for free things and the opening screen simply asks for an email... don't do it, they'll spam your address, plus they always require you to participate in their programs. Bad sites are brandarama.com and anything that looks too good to be true.

FREE-LOADER TIP #2 - you may want to sign up for a free email address just for the freebies. I won't send you to any spam sites, but some of the companies send you emails and eventually you'll get bogged down in crap. I get so much spam I don't notice, but it's just a thought.

FREE-LOADER TIP #3 - I do not guarantee any of these freebies to arrive. I'll make a note if I did receive my sample and I'll try to let you know the size, quality, and if it had coupons. But honestly, I get so many samples anymore that I can't keep track of them.

FREE-LOADER TIP #4 - I can't guarantee the offer is still there. Walmart changes their samples often so check back to their site often. I've gotten some good samples from them (Dry Cleaner Sheets, Purex Detergent & Softener, Listerine Whitening Strips, etc.) They're always changing them. Other offers expire or run out of supplies.

Hope you can get some use out of some of this

Today's picks:

Upromise - If you have a credit card you're willing to register OR shop at certain stores (Dillon's, Gerbe's, Baker's, GNC, Walmart.com, etc.) you can sign up free at this website and a percentage of your purchases for certain products (Tylenol, Flintstone vitamins, certain groceries, etc.) will be saved toward a college fund for your child, a friends child, etc. Check it out! (I'm a member & I'm happy with it)

Tylenol Recall - In light of the recent recall for Infant Tylenol Cold & Cough products, Tylenol is offering you a coupon for $5 off a Tylenol product (Expiration date 11/19/07) It's a printable coupon, so you may be asked to install the coupon printer, but it's no big deal. Click the link at the bottom of the recall notice to print coupon. (Coupon printed no problem)

Rebate on Polident Denture Care - Haven't tried it, but it's a company site so it's safe if you're interested.

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL FREE SAMPLES
(I got tired of typing Free Sample)

Smokers - Free Sample of Nicorette Red - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

Hairapy - Free Sample of Sunsilk Shampoo/Conditioner - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. Get another free sample HERE. (Got this one from Walmart. One application shampoo, one conditioner, one after shower conditioning stuff, plus a coupon)

Tylenol PM Rapid Release - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

NurtaSweet - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

Baby Formula - Free Sample of Parent's Choice Gentle (Walmart Brand) - Fill out the information and they will send you a bag of formula (1 day supply, no coupon) - Did it, got it, gave it to a neighbor when she ran out the day before payday. Just fill out your mailing address, email, and answer a couple questions. Another 30 second easy one.

Baby Formula - Another Free Sample of Parent's Choice Milk Formula - Same website as above, just a different formula. You can request samples of both. (Did it! 1 Day supply, no coupon.)

Baby Bowl from Beechnut - Sign up for their email newsletter and they'll send you a bowl for your baby. (Got it!)

Dove Cool Moisture hair care - Fill out easy form, get a free sample. I love dove samples, they aren't cheap crappy samples. They usually come in the trial size containers, but I haven't gotten this one yet so who knows. Get another Dove hair care sample HERE. Again, haven't gotten this one so not sure on the size.

Reviva Skin Care - Never heard of the company, haven't signed up yet, but it's another easy form to fill out.

Murad Intensive Wrinkle Reducer - Again, don't know much on this one, but if your interested, it's not a scam.

Always - Fill it out for your daughter (mine's 5 months old so I guess I'll get the samples, but anyway) you'll get free samples for a happy period (yeah right!) Want more Always Samples click HERE. Prefer Tampex? Get them HERE. (I have gotten some samples from Always - not sure it's the same request, but they came with cute stickers and a sticky note pad). How about Kotex? Or Playtex?

L'Oreal Skin Genesis - This one came the other day, small sample packet and it might have had a coupon, can't remember. Click pink hexagon when screen loads.

Eucerin Calming - Simple form. Haven't done it.

Lotion sample from The Healing Garden - Simple form. Haven't got it.

Dove Energy Glow Lotion - Got this one it was a trial size bottle. It's a lotion with a light tanner in it. Have I mentioned I love Dove?

Dove Proage - I got the deoderant. Love it. Also came in a trial size container with coupons.

Garnier Nutritioniste - This one's from the company site so I'm sure it's the real deal, but I haven't done it yet.

CoffeeMate - This one says I can't republish their offer and since I'm not sure what that means, I'll just tell you to check out this link before October 31st if you enjoy a little something extra in your morning coffee. (I know I said not to go to sites that start out just asking for your email, but this one's okay. It's the company site.)

Sensodyne Toothpaste - Get a sample of ProNamel and a regular Sensodyne sample. Requires sign up with GlakoSmithClyne or whatever the company is. Did it today so haven't got samples yet. Teeth still not clean enough? Get some Aquafresh Extreme Clean (prints a buy one free coupon, must activate coupon printer) and then get more Aquafresh coupons under "Savings & Special Offers:

Reach Access Flosser - Link to free flosser on right side of screen. Also a link to printable coupon. Did it today.

This one is for Adult's over 18 only - Durex lubricant - I'm not fond of this brand so I haven't done it, but it might be worth someone's interest. If you prefer Astroglide, get a sample of that HERE. (got it - enough said!)

And with that, "I'm Spent!"
Have a great week!!

What a STEAL!!

Why I am the total BOMB?

 

I went to Sears on Sunday (and MONDAY) and bought the following items on clearance!  You really need to look at the prices on these items... it's INSANE!

in brown . . . cost? . . .  $1.99 (Originally $29.99)

 

in red . . . cost? . . . $0.89 (Originally $16.00)

cost? . . . $1.49 (Originally $29.99)

in green . . . cost? . . . $2.69 (Originally $39.99)

cream w/ floral print . . . cost? . . . $0.99 (Originally $11.98)

 

So lets see... if you share the jeans with the two tops I bought 4 outfits (2 dresses, two jean/tops)

 

The retail value of the clothes was . . . $127.95!!!

 

How much did I pay?  $8.05!!!

 

Do you see that?  RIDICULOUS!!!  4 outfits for $8!!  I can't even buy a pair of sweat pants at Wal-Mart for that price!!  CRAZY!!

 

Speaking of Wal-Mart... they do make my weekend sales list.

 

On Saturday, I bought the following there:

cost? $4.00 (Originally $18.92)

cost? $4.50 (Originally $5.77)

AND

a pair of sexy red high heels for $7.00 (Originally about $28)

 

Yeah... I'm a BARGAIN WHORE... you're just jealous!

---

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So what's my excuse this time?

*DISCLAIMER* AUTHOR IS NOT LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGE (PHYSICAL, MENTAL OR OTHERWISE) THAT MAY RESULT FROM THE READING OF THIS MATERIAL.  AUTHOR HAS OFFICIALLY LOST HER MARBLES!!

 

Apparently, there's a magic loop that I too have been left out of (stupid place is probably full of Hippies and Construction workers anyway!)

 

But since people are starting to worry that the leprechans will never send out a proper RANSOM letter, I figure I ought to make it known that I stole their pot of gold (rainbow and all) and ran off to Cancun with a happy cloud named Benny! 

So keep your pennies and buy some more vicadin because I don't need your box of Fruit Loops.  I have enough mental problems of my own, please don't make me cope with yours also.

 

When my coworker read to me what my mother emailed her, I suddenly came to the tragic realization that someday the time will come for me to put my mother in a nutty farm.  I simply have not got enough money to build her a properly constructed fully padded room where she cannot injure herself. 

 

First of all, my mother is a complete CLUTZAHOLIC and secondly, I worry that if left unsupervised, she just might begin sticking Rice Crispies in the hopes that the *SNAP*

*CRACKLE*

*POP*

will drown out the voices in her head. 

Besides, do you know how expensive it would be to keep supplying her with books and crayons to eat?  I love my dear mother, but I have to draw the line at cereal snorting crayola consumers!

If it is not obvious to you yet, I will point out the simple fact that I am just as crazy as my mother.  Yes, I'm a few fries short of a happy meal! 

My elevator doesn't go to the top floor!  And I have seriously contemplated the quantum physics required to keep your balance while spinning around in the front yard in the middle of the night in the rain until you fall down in the drainage ditch and nearly drown.  But, I have one thing that YOU PEOPLE DON'T!!

I COME BY IT NATURALLY!!!

 

I am genetically prone to being WHACKO, WIERDO, PSYCHO, NUTTY, etc.  The Bonkers bug bit me on the ass long before I came into the odd little world.  I was destined to spend my life in a state of SEMI-DELERIUM.  If you got out the microscope and checked my genes, you'd find little people screaming from their straight-jackets.  And what am I supposed to do about them? 

I can't kick them all out on the streets so we have a bunch of miniture psycho homeless people begging for pennies in front of the supermart!!  Can you imagine the chaos?  People like you would be walking around and you'd see this tiny little psycho person and you'd total FREAK!  The mass hysteria that would result would cause a boat load of guilt that I'm not sure I could handle.

So, CLEARLY, I'm INSANE!!!  But what's YOUR EXCUSE??  Hmmmm... do tell me why all of you "normal" people do STUPID SHIT?  I do stupid shit because my genetics cause chemical imbalances which send mixed messages to the neurons and wreak havoc on my passive state of mind.  YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE!!!  You do stupid shit because you are genetically prone to being STUPID!!  Just accept it!

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Testing

So lets see if you can really blog from your email or if this is something stupid that will make monkeys fly out my ass when I push send.

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Dear Grandma

Thank you so much for coming to visit us here in Kansas. We love you so very much and are very happy that you got to come see us. I really love the mobile and the baby monitor that you got for me and all the cool books will be fun to read with Mommy and Daddy.

I'm sorry you didn't get to see much of Daddy because he was working, but I hope you know that he was glad you got to come down and he appreciates everything you did while you were here.

I'm trying to be a good girl today because I know that Mommy isn't feeling very well. She took some medicine and squirted junk in her throat to make it stop hurting, now she's feeling so-so. I had some more of my cereal this morning and I loved it.

I hope you had a good drive home and tell Grandpa I miss him and love him much. Thank Grandpa for everything also and tell him we hope he can come down next time.

Well, I better go now and go take care of Mommy. She's sleepy and keeps getting woke up from her nap. Amber stopped by to tell us that Ms. Janet got mad because Amber called the HUD lady last night. Then Brenda stopped by to ask to use the thermometer. Faithy is running a temperature so Brenda went home to give her some medicine. But at least Mommy got a little bit of a nap and I'm being good. She took some cold meds to help, plus another antibiotic, and throat spray so now she's feeling okay for a while. Hopefully Mommy won't be sick for very long.

Mommy says that you think you've got the same thing. Hope you don't feel too icky. Take some antibiotics and get some rest.

Love you both very much and lots of BIG THANK YOUS!

Hugs & Kisses

Elocin Nicole

Fairytales and Funny Letters

Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away, there lived a beautiful princess in a magnificent palace. And every morning the princess would wake with a beautiful smile and kiss her parents and tell them how much she loved them....

Okay, I'm full of shit! Honestly it wasn't a land far away... it was Kansas... and it wasn't a beautiful princess... it was a deceptively gorgeous baby girl who was secretly hiding her demon heritage behind those pretty eyes... and it wasn't a palace, it was a 1-bedroom low-income apartment that certainly doesn't have enough room for the spoiled princess's toys... and she didn't wake every morning with a smile, she screamed to be fed and changed and played with... and she didn't tell her parents she loved them, she PUKED on everything they owned and when especially thrilled she even PUKED on them!!

That being said...

Dear Mrs. Mother of the Flaming Psycho -
Maybe, if your daughter hadn't threatened to KILL the housing director she wouldn't be getting kicked out. Maybe if your daughter didn't leave her kids home alone all the time, she wouldn't be having all these problems. Maybe if you daughter had one ounce of human decency this wouldn't have happened. And MAYBE trying to run her car through the housing director's front lawn at 6 AM wasn't the smartest thing she could have done. So maybe she shouldn't be talking about what a bitch the housing director is and how it's all her fault! Maybe, you should turn her over your knee and give her the proper paddling she deserves rather than trying to ruin the housing director's life. And MAYBE if you come to my apartment with a tape recorder, I will not only tell you how much I like the housing director, but also let loose with how much I hate that bitch that used to live in the apartment down on the end! Yes, we're having a block party to celebrate her eviction. Yes, we are all very happy she is gone. Granted, I had alterior motives for wanting her gone (i.e. empty 3-bedroom means my neighbor moves out & I get her 2-bedroom!) However, I still think your daughter is a bitch and am very happy that she is gone!
Good Riddens!

Dear Student Who Didn't Think I Could Give a Detention,
Luckily for you, the fact that you mistook me for an 18-year-old high school student saved your butt and made me feel extremely generous. Plus, I got quite a laugh out of the fact that you were shocked to know I had a child. Normally I give out A's for such "flattery" however, the fact that you refused to read during class and thought I was lying made me a little less generous.
Be More Careful

Dear Neighbor's Soon To Be Ex-Husband,
I realize that in your mixed up little brain you somehow believe that you are a more fitting parent for your son. However, I find it very hard to believe that you could handle one night alone with your child when you can't even bother to take him on the days he is scheduled to be with you. You can't take him on weekends because it will interfere with your "plans." You can't take him when he has an ear infection because he'll keep you up all night. You can't keep him if you have to work, or hang out, or pee. Do the world a favor and stop trying to villify the one GOOD parent he has in his life. Oh, and don't bother trying to make a bad guy out of Mommy's boyfriend either because frankly, he does more for the kid that you do. I give tons of points to any guy who goes out and buys diapers for his girlfriend's child because Daddy didn't do it!
Dead beat!

Dear High School Girl Who's Playing Both Sides of the Fence,
You seriously need to grow up. As if two people in the middle of a divorce don't have enough issues, you have to go back and forth filling Daddy in on the details of Mommy. That would be entirely one thing, except that in your little teenage mind there is not enough excitement around so you decide to stretch the truth and tell him that Mommy doesn't take care of the kid, has drugs in her house, doesn't clean and is lazy. Seriously! GET A LIFE! And don't try to tell me she's lazy either because I live right next door! DUH!!
Take thy DRAMA elsewhere!

Dear People Who Think They Want To Visit Me:
I hope you are prepared to put up with all the local DRAMA, or that you are equipped with ANTI-DRAMA suits to repell the deadly effects of other people's fucked up lives.
Good Luck

----*----
P.S.

Dear Neighbors New Husband,
I'm sorry you had the unfortunate business of meeting my former MISTAKE at one point, but I have to be honest. I laughed my ass off at this... "Did they call him Whitesnake?"... "Well, honestly I thought he was a FAG!"
ROTFLMFAO for a WEEK!!!

And P.S.S.

Dear Willie,
I realize that you were rather shocked to have three good looking girls tell you good-bye when you were playing pool at RCM last weekend. I know that you were trying very hard to figure out who we were. I'm sorry that I didn't come up and say hello to you when you came in, but frankly, I didn't like you much when I was married to your cousin so I didn't see the point. So, since I'm feeling sorry for the fact that you've been racking your brain to figure it out, I decided to give your balls a break and fill you in. I'm the BITCH who used to be married to that ALBINO asshole cousin of yours. Now stop scratching and the chafing will go away soon!

Oh Kiss Off and Have a Giggle At My Expense

Update: It should be noted that the Evil Munchkin from the Flaming Realms of OZ was exterminated in order to make room for the FemiNazi terrorist that I carried in my womb for nine months and who aspires to someday be a world dictator!!

Things you should know about the newest member of the crime villian family:

1. Clearly she drinks too much soda, dirties too many dishes, goes through too many outfits and has too damn many toys. That is the only explanation for the state of my household.
2. Her internal clock is set to go off precisely 1 hour after Daddy goes to bed and two hours before Mommie wakes up for work.
3. The fluid retention mechanism in this child's stomach is pre-programed to malfunction precisely 15 minutes before Mommie is ready to go out with the "girls." It is uncertain whether this malfunction is triggered by the color of Mommie's lipstick, the smell of Mommie's clean clothes or the sound of Mommie putting her keys in her purse. Due to the fact that someone has intentionally removed the maintence sticker from this child which I am certain contained a toll-free number for technical assistance, we are currently unable to correct this major malfunction.
4. The number of outfits this child dirties in one day is precisely equivilant to the number of ounces she eats during any given 24-hour period, multiplied by the number of hours she spends awake.
5. The number of grey hairs that Mommie and Daddy acrue is equivilent to the number of dirty diapers, plus the number of dirty outfits, times the number of times the pacifier is refused, plus the number of minutes she screams.

All prospective visitors to my home should come prepared with several changes of clean clothes. As a general precaution it may be wise to take your dirty socks and rub them on as cologne to counteract the scent of clean laundry which I am certain agitates this child to no end. Guest should also be equipped with ear plugs (I recommend the ear muffs that they use on the shooting range as this child has developed an new sound which could easily break the sound barrier and is exactly the right pitch to shatter glass.) In addition, I suggest that guest be fully prepared to stand in an upright position and be capable of hold a baby while wiping their ass.

Childbirth classes they don't teach (but should):

• How to Crap & Breastfeed in Unison
• The Wild World of Baby Fluids
• The Musical Stages of Child's Screaming
• Elevation and it's Affects on a Child's Crying
• The Horrors of Breastfeeding and Nipple Tattoos
• 101 Reasons Your Child Might Fuss
• Doctors Don't Know Everything
• Balancing a Baby on a Budget

That being said, I adore my baby girl and I wouldn't trade her for the world. There is one more class that should be offered to all expectant mothers: 1 Million Ways a Baby Can Melt Your Heart!!

Love and Hugs to All

Dear Evil Munchkin From the Flaming Realms of OZ:

I realize that this is a very small apartment, but there are only 2.5 people living in it at this time and I simply see no reason why it needs to look like a tornado went through it. Seriously, if I start digging through things, I imagine I will find two feet sticking out from under the edge of a wall, complete with ruby slippers!

I will take partial responsibility for the dirty dishes piling up on the counter. I can even accept the trash that is waiting to be hauled out (can't take trash out while there's a maniac on the loose - at least that's my excuse!) Not to mention the fact that I'm too busy following your strange gremlin tracks around in the hopes that I can catch you and make you take the trash out!

However, I simply cannot understand the 15,000 Starburst wrappers that are fornicating on my desk! And what's with the miniture armada of paper airplanes sitting on the printer?

Honestly, your fun little games are not amusing me. I was especially not impressed when you decided to start breaking various appliances. I realize we don't have the newest appliances, and things are bound to break from time to time, but was it honestly necessary to break both the fridge door and the television at once?

Okay, so maybe we should have taken a closer look when the fridge door didn't shut the first time. Maybe, instead of assuming it was just a piece of shit that didn't seal on the first push, we should have investigated. Maybe slamming the door and cussing at it was not the correct reaction. But who in their right mind would have guessed that something was stuck in the door and that the bottom hinge would break as a result of slamming it? Do you realize how many times I've slammed that fridge door? Why? Because it's notorious for being a piece of shit. Who would have guessed it would actually break? I fully believe that you, Evil Munchkin, waited until the perfect moment to place a small, seemingly invisible item in the door to purposely break it. I am not amused! Though I am greatly appreciative of my brand spanking new fridge, I do not believe that you intended such good fortune to fall upon us. As a result, I am now determined that you hide in our new refridgerator and freeze my milk despite the fact that the fridge is set to the lowest (warmest) setting!! WTF?!?!

And the TV!! What did the TV ever do to you? Okay, so the plastic casing had a little crack in it from when Daddy Dearest tripped over it in the middle of the night. No big deal. But why, when Daddy Dearest decided that the picture on the small TV was better, did you decide to chisel away at the crack until Daddy Dearest sat the TV down and the whole thing collapsed? Was that necessary? Do you realize how ghetto my TV looks now? Yes, I like the big TV better, but you can't read the words on the guide and you can't read the captions on the storm warnings and you can't tell if the thing in the background is a tree or the serial killer sneaking up, but hey. I only watch 2 shows: House and Law & Order. If it's House, I assume the guy on the ground is sick. If it's Law & Order, I assume the guy on the ground is dead. Yes, I could put the big TV back up until we can pick up Daddy Dearest's TV this weekend, but I decided it's kind of nice getting to watch more than two shows, since I can actually read the guide to know what they are! So yes, I will watch my ghetto, backless TV that is being supported by a poisonous jar of toxic Peter Pan peanut butter. I will smile at the creativity of Daddy Dearest and hope that I don't have any unexpected guests in the next few days. And I will laugh as I force Daddy Dearest to throw a fully functioning TV into the dumpster because HONESTLY, we are not that FUCKING POOR that we need to keep a 20-inch backless TV around "just in case".

So as you can see, Evil Munchkin, I am in no way impressed with your Full Moon antics. Making a soda can explode on Daddy Dearest right before he headed to work. Not cool! Mysteriously knocking down anything in my shower that is held up with a suction cup (especially in the middle of the night). Annoying! And what the hell are you doing with all of my fingernail clippers? I swear!

I have had to place tracking beacons on all of my socks, since you insist on following me to the washer and stealing them. I now count socks before I take them to the washer, as I place them in the washer, as I place them in the dryer, and again when I fold them. I have so far managed to keep all socks paired with an appropriate match. I believe instead that you are now stealing underwear and silverware. I hate to fathom what strange place setting you have created in your Evil Munchkin dining room.

I am hereby issuing a warrant for your immediate eviction from this apartment. All individuals have been informed to squish you on site. If you cannot behave like a civilized part of society, I will be forced to call in an exterminator. Don't think for one moment that your band of cavity-ridden Lollipop kids and your flying monkeys will be able to protect you.

Sincerely,
The Great and Powerful Ellie's Mommie!!

Proof of Life

Random Conversation for your entertainment (On our anniversary in the hotel spa)

Me: Once upon a time there was a...
Daddy Dearest: MAN
Me: And he wanted to...
DD: F#CK
Me: But he didn't have a...
DD: CONDOM
Me: So he used a...
DD: NAPKIN
Me: But it...
DD: BROKE
Me: And so he...
DD: DIED!!
Me: The End