A Recap

A quick recap of the last few days:

• Thursday night was "Girl's Night Out." Okay, so it was "out" for me, as I traveled a few blocks away to my co-workers for an evening of mind-numbing chocolate brownies and Mary Kay facials. What I expected to be a 1-hour endeavor into the joys of deep cleansing and fabulous skin, turned into me spending 1 hour applying various products to my face, $30 on products I had no intention of purchasing, and 4 more hours laughing hysterically with my co-worker about everything from "shitting on people's desks" to "cheating at cards."


• Friday morning, after not near enough sleep, I awoke to mind-numbing pain which was quickly accompanied by a blood curdling scream that could wake the dead. Daddy Dearest shot bolt upright in bed and tried to overcome his coronary long enough to assist me. My leg was seized up in a massive cramp! With 43 inches of belly between me and my feet, it was completely impossible for me to reach my toes to stop the spasm. Amidst my maniac screams and tearful begging for Daddy to pull my toes up, I clearly began to understand why an animal would gnaw its own leg off to escape a trap. With Daddy's help, my leg eventually relaxed enough that I could breath. Of course there was no point in my trying to go back to sleep after that. No doubt I would have suffered nightmares about my leg trying to physically remove itself from my body and run off to Vegas with some two-bit fishnet stocking! While Daddy Dearest was able to quickly slip back into his near-coma state of REM sleep, I spent the remainder of the day being absolutely useless and generally feeling sorry for myself as I limped around with the aftermath of the cramp lingering in my leg.


• Today, still feeling the effects of yesterday's leg spasm, I have limped around the house in a pretty pathetic manner. Picture a pot-bellied pirate hobbling around my apartment with a chocolate brownie in one hand and a TV remote in the other. I've already had one nap today and am highly considering a second nap. It just seems like a good thing.

Updating my "things I've slacked off on" list from the middle of the week:

• I finally found the motivation to offer up a Death Threat for Karla. It really wasn't too difficult after she informed me she would show up during nap-time with 6 musical Elmo toys! Do not mess with the pregnant chick's NAP TIME!!!


• I have read the updates on all my fellow bloggers (even adding a couple of new crazies to the list)


• I finally added that certain blogger to my list (I believe it was out of pity)


• And I decided to put clothes on (but only because it's colder than a witch's tit outside)

I still have not done laundry or cleaned house due to my current state of limping disability. Laundry would require revealing my "limping pirate" persona to the neighbors and cleaning the house would involve stooping to pick things up. This is strictly forbidden for at least one more day because my calf muscle has sent a threatening letter explaining that it WILL immediately ceaze up again if I even consider performing a stooping movement!

So yes, I am officially a FAT, LAZY, MISERABLE, LIMPING PIRATE!!

Now make me laugh or walk the plank!!