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Sunday, December 17, 2006

The Anti-Can Opener

So, here I was trying to figure out what to have for a snack today and I decided on tuna salad, cheese and crackers. When I went to the kitchen to make this tuna salad concoction, I discovered that I owned a kitchen utensil that I did not even know existed.

I own an Anti-Can Opener!

What, you may be asking yourself, is an Anti-Can Opener? I wondered the same thing. I pulled out what appeared to be an ordinary Can Opener, only to discover that is was an Anti-Can Opener. How clever of it to disguise itself as a Can Opener!

Now you may be asking yourself, "Well, what does an Anti-Can Opener do?"

That is a very good question! I honestly have not figured out the true purpose of an Anti-Can Opener. I have, however, discovered that it is NOT to open cans. The procedure went as follows:

I removed what I believed to be a can opener from the drawer and retrieved a can of tuna from the cupboard. I carefully placed the can opener on the can, as you would normally do, and then proceded to turn the handle. I expected the top of the can would be sliced away from the can revealing the tasty tuna treat below. Instead, the handle spun freely and the can remained unopened.

Realizing that the blade of the can opener had not pierced the top of the can (we've all had this happen before), I carefully replaced the can opener on the can and squeezed the grips tightly. I expected to hear that all too familiar *pop* as the blade made that initial slice into the lid. There was NO *pop*!

Removing the can opener from the can, I examined the lid closely. There was a slight indentation in the lid where the blade had "touched down" and the rim of the can was now slightly bent. Unfortunately, I was no closer to having an open can of tuna which I could savor.
Replacing the can opener on the can in a different spot, I squeezed the grip as hard as I could. Another indentation and bent rim, but no cut. After several similar attempts, I decide to move the blade slightly in the hopes of finding a place on the seemingly dull blade that would penetrate this resilliant tin can.

Having repeated THIS process several times, determined to get my can of tuna opened, I was finally blessed to hear that much need *pop* sound as the blade pierced the lid of the tin can.

AHHHH! Just moments away from tuna salad!

Or not!

You see, here is where the Anti-Can Opener reveals it's true talent. It appears that not only is the Anti-Can Opener designed to NOT open cans. It is also designed to render said can, UNOPENABLE! Let me explain:

As I turned the handle to make the can opener progress around the edge of the can, I learned that every place I had made a previous attempt to open the can was now indented too far for the blade to cut through.

After one complete rotation, I had a can lid that appeared to be perforated rather than sliced. On top of this, the Anti-Can Opener has an additional talent of stripping the paper label off of the can. So now I have a can of tuna, with a ribbon of sliced paper label, and perforated lid that refuses to allow me access to the tuna it contains.

A second rotation around the lid of the can, reveals yet another talent of the Anti-Can Opener. Each time the blade is forced to cut through one of these places that was previously uncut, it causes a vicious jerking action. At this point the can is impossible to hold on to. Ironically, this can, which is not yet open far enough to remove the tuna, is open just far enough to allow the fishy smelling juices to escape during sudden jerking movements. Thus covering, my hands and the counter in fishy tuna juice.

After repeated repositionings and several jerking slices through previously unsliced areas, I finally had a lid which was only attached in one place.

Relieved, I pried my can open, removed the paper label ribbon cuttings, mixed together my tuna mixture, and sat down to enjoy my snack.

So, as you can see the Anti-Can Opener is designed to do four things:

1) Not open the can
2) Render the can even more difficult to open upon further attempts
3) Create festive paper ribbons from the can's label
4) Make a mess of your kitchen while trying to open the can

A further irony is that this annoying little device (which apparently kicked out my previous Can-Opener, as well as my extra Can-Opener which was nowhere to find during this crisis), has even greater talents than I could have ever expected.

You see, this little inconvienence is obviously able to either predict or affect the future (at this point I'm not sure whether it was an OMEN of things to come or the CAUSE of things to come). Regardless, either is an incredible talent.

As I sat down to enjoy that lovely snack I had prepared, little did I know that I was in for a suprise. Precisely nine tuna loaded crackers later, I was overcome with an incredible (and very sudden) bout of sickness. Amazingly, I made it to the bathroom in time (barely) and felt just as well afterwards as I had moments before. I have not had morning sickness in about two weeks and I had not eaten anything else that might have reacted poorly with the snack. I returned to the livingroom afterwards and continued my snack with no ill effects.

The fact that the nausea came and went so quickly makes me think that perhaps the Anti-Can Opener is actually a cursed item. At this point, I have no solid proof of this strange alligation, but I will continue to keep you posted on the situation. It definately makes me wonder what happened to my extra can opener.

Until these alligations can be either proven or disproven, I highly suggest if you find yourself in the possesion of an Anti-Can Opener, that you take protective measures. First thing is first, gather up all other can openers in the area and see to it that they are put in safe places far away from the Anti-Can Opener. Secondly, be wary of roaming too far from the bathroom. If at any point you find that you may be unable to reach a bathroom, I highly suggest keeping a trash can or plastic bag quite near to you. Thirdly, check back here often to recieve updates on the source of the Anti-Can Opener's powers and how to repair or dispose of the Anti-Can Opener in a suitable manner.

Until then, BE SAFE!

**NOTE: In the event that you are suddenly unable to contact me for an extended period of time, please forward this message to the local authorities as it may be of great assistance to them in their investigation of my disappearance.