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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The Stamp

Last August I sent an email to my Uncle and asked him to please print it off and deliver it to my grandparents who live a few blocks from him. My grandparents recieved their letter from me and sent me a letter in the mail, but I soon recieved a message in my inbox from my Uncle.


I was more than happy to deliver your note to Ma & Pa. It arrived at our house okay. But, while driving across town, I ran over something that destroyed my tire before flying up and cutting my oil filter. I sat down my beer and changed my tire. Just as I was finishing, a cop pulled up to help. After seeing the open beer bottle, he started asking a lot of questions that I didn't have time, or desire to hear. This is when my friend "Bud" started thinking that we could out run said copper. About a mile down the road, Bud remembered the damaged oil filter. The loud knocking noise was the first hint. Bud and I discovered a Tracker will go about 1.4 miles with no oil. At this time, Bud is thinking, "Cops eat a lot of donuts, I'll bet we can out run him on foot." After only 3 or 4 steps, the nice copper tackled me on the ground. He offered me a ride and gave me some bracelets, so here is your bill for delivering your letter!
1 tire...................................$ 67.45
1 oil filter............................$ 6.75
1 Motor installed................$1500.01
Bail.....................................$ 300.00
Fines...................................$ 700.03
Insurance Increase.............$3500.04

Just shitten ya! I'll be glad to forward your letters.

Revised Billing

This was my response to my Uncle's bill:



I have reviewed the bill you sent me very carefully and I have concluded the following:
Goodyear tire estimates that the average motorist in North America travels about 12,000 miles each year. The delivery that I requested was appoximately a 1.2 mile drive. Considering that, the mechanical repairs on your vehicle should be reduced to 1/10,000th of the total. (approximately 16 cents) Considering you likely would have driven this distance regardless of whether you were delivering my letter or not, I feel that you are still responsible for 1/2 of the remaining cost. Making me responsible for 8 cents of your mechanical repairs.

Now let's address your criminal charges. The way I see it 99% of these charges should be blamed on your friend "Bud", who apparently gave you very ill advise in a time of crisis. Of the remaining 1%, I must hold you 99% responsible for listening to your friend as we all know he doesn't have the best history for good advice. The remaining 1% of that should be equally split between myself and your wife, whom obviously made you drink that beer. Thus, my conclusion in regards to your criminal costs is that Bud should be responsible for $3762.04, You should be responsible for $37.62. The remaining 39 cents should be split between me and your wife, making me responsible for 20 cents.

Finally, we will address the matter of your raised insurance in the amount of $3500.04. First, as insurance is based on the driving history of the insured drivers, we must first cut this amount in half and place half of the blame on your wife. This reduces said bill to $1750.02. Next, the way I see it is you have been driving for approximately 30 years which adds up to 10950 days. My letter was involved in just one of these days and therefor I feel I'm only responsible for 1/10950th of your driving history. Using these figures, I estimate that my responsiblity for your insurance costs are 16 cents.

The revised bill is as follows:

1 tire, 1 oil filter, 1 engine installed.............$0.08
bail, lawyer fees, & fines...........................$0.20
raised insurance cost...............................$0.16
Total cost to me.......................................$0.44

Now, normally, I make around $9.00 an hour giving advice to students and assisting with problems. Due to the fact that you have done so much free mechanical work for me in the past, I'm going to do you a favor and provide you with equally valuable advice for a flat rate of 44 cents.

First, I must recommend that you forget your wife is partially to blame for this misspent adventure and write it off as the price you pay for "marital bliss"

Secondly, though I don't think it will do you much good, you should send a bill to your friend "Bud" in the amount of $3762.04 for your criminal costs. Here, I must advise you that Bud is a bad role model for you. He is a bad influence on your fragile sensibilities and he will only lead you to further trouble in the future. Perhaps you should consider cutting all ties with him and find more positive influences in your life. Word on the street is that Bud is a bad guy. He's been seen in the company of many bad characters like Jack, Jose, and even the notorious Mary Jane. More often than not, he seems to be associated with criminal activities world wide. You need to find out who you are and stop letting Bud tell you who should be. I know you like Bud and he's fun to be around, but considering your history together I just don't think that he is a very good friend to you. How many nights has Bud spent in jail for you? Think about it.

Oh, and last but not least, I recently spent several months typing up divorce papers to make sure my ex had to take responsibility for all of the expenses of his misspent adventures, so I'm pretty good at this delegating financial responsibility stuff.


You didn't think I was just going to sit back and take that did you? Once I picked myself up off of the floor from laughter, I had to find some way to get out of this bill. Thanks for delivering my letter, I got a letter from Grandma in the mail today.

Take care,


All Points Bulletin

After reading the emails from my Uncle and me, my mother sent this out to family members:


Please put out an APB. I am in desperate need of coupons for Depends underware. You see if my brother and my daughter continue to negotiate this bill, I will be out of clean underware.

When I read my brothers bill to my daughter for delivering her mail. I laughed so hard I cried.

When I read my daughters answer, I laughed so hard I peed my pants.

Now I have been in this family long enough to know this is not going to end in the near future.

You see, we believe it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt, then it's even funnier.

So if you could start gathering coupons i would be forever grateful.

love and respect to all


Here's the last letter from my uncle. I never did get around to responding, but I'll come up with something one of these days.



In a shameless attempt to get out of paying a bill, you have attacked all my friends. After telling them about your comments, there replies were as follows:

Mary Jane said, "I need to weed out the bad kin and smoke 'em!"

Jose responded with "Senor Rojo been berry berry good!"

Jack thinks you hate him because he's black!

Then there's Bud. Bud cannot believe the terrible things you, a fellow horse lover, said about him. He wonders if you realize that a total disassociation with Bud would result in 5 majectic Cleidsdales starving to death? And wonders if you should be teaching our youths.

Till next time,