Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

An Afterthought

So... All this unwanted drama over my ex made me realize something!

I'm pretty lucky!

You see, it just occured to me that the INSANE PSYCHOTIC MULE'S ASS I USED TO CALL MY MOTHER IN LAW is stuck with her son for the rest of his natural life.


That STUPID ALBINO P.O.S. NON-REPRODUCTIVE IDIOT I MARRIED is stuck with her as his mother for the rest of her life.

Since he's a perfect example of why animals eat their young and she is the reason children divorce their parents, I think it's pretty fitting that they're STUCK with each other!

I feel better now.

Got any "creative" names for people you can't stand... I'd love to hear them!

Let's Get Married!!

Random Conversation

Me: I'm still pissy
Daddy: Why?
Me: Because I married an IDIOT!
Daddy: What'd I do?
Me: I'm not married to YOU! I'm not married to anyone anymore. Thank God!
Daddy: *grinning sinisterly* Oh, you will be!
Me: Oh, no sir!
Daddy: Oh, yes! You're giving me THAT tax break!!
*mutual laughter*
Daddy: *in a loud goofy voice* "$250 dollar tax break!! Honey!!! Did you know about this?!? LET'S GET MARRIED!!!"

(better break out the hammer and smash a pinkie... or two)

The Amazing Never-Ending Ex-Husband!

So, for all of you out there who think that getting married is a cool and trendy thing to do. I'm going to put my two cents in on the subject (and let off some built up steam in the process!)

Quick backstory: So a few years back, I met this guy. Just some random albino I picked up at a motel (FIRST WARNING SIGN!) He seemed nice enough, but what the hell did I know? So after about six months of dating we decided we should get married (what can I say, the sex was good so I figured I could handle it! - sorry too much?) Anyway, we get engaged and his mother turned into the bitch from hell (SECOND WARNING SIGN!) But I had these delusions of marriage and figured I could handle anything that his Mom had to dish out. So my family bit their tongues and allowed me to marry this idiot. The wedding, while beautiful, was a social disaster (THIRD WARNING SIGN!) After three years of marriage I decided that he drank too much, spent too much, stayed out too much, and was generally useless to me. So I moved on.

Now for the good news.

Since leaving his sorry ass, I've managed to pay off all my debts (Note: I wrote our divorce decree because he was too cheap to hire a lawyer so I made sure he got stuck with all the debts he'd ran up!) I also learned that two people can live in the same house without wanting to kill each other all the time, bills can be paid on time if both parties do their share, and not all men think it's okay to stay out until morning partying with their friends.

For the most part, I've done a pretty good job of moving on with my life and eliminating him and his mistakes from mine!

I was mistaken!

You see (a little more back story) in 2005 my (ex) husband renewed the tags on our vehicles. No big deal right? WRONG! I later learned (when the cop was knocking on our door) that he'd bounced the check and didn't bother to fix the problem!! (who ignors a bounced check to the COUNTY!!) Anyway, no biggie, he took care of it, and I had bigger money problems to worry about at the time.

Last year (in the middle of our divorce) I took his name off my vehicle, renewed my tags and proceeded on as if he didn't exist.

However, this year when I went to renew my tags online, it wouldn't let me pull up the info on my old car. Over the phone a lady told me it must have been an error on the State's part & I'd just have to come in person to handle it. No biggie, I can do that!

Today, I went to pay my tags in person. While there, I find out EXACTLY why I couldn't file online. It seems that since I married an IDIOT, I'm now on a "no check list". I'll have to pay my tags IN CASH for the next four or so years!! (Good thing I'd planned on paying cash anyway or I'd have been SOL today!) I tried to make light of it to the clerk (it's not her fault I married an ASSHOLE!)

But the more I thought about it, the madder I got. Why? Because the bad check isn't associated with his NAME, it's associated with the vehicles that were registered! Which means that he (Mr. I don't care if I can afford it, I'm getting a new truck) can pay his tags with a check or online or by mail or by phone. But since I'm still driving the same good ol' car I had when I married him, I (Mrs. Doesn't write a check without calling my bank before & after) CANNOT!!

That sort of BURNS me!

Anyway, the moral of the story is...
...$15 marriage licence
...several hours of typing divorce decree (est. value $400+)
...$111 court costs
...$3 in gas to pay CASH for tag renewal
...Knowing that his BOYS can't swim? PRICELESS!!!

If you're thinking about marrying someone, take a step back (SOBER UP!!) spend 3 months in Uganda, purposely smash your pinky with a hammer, volunteer for a colonoscopy and then decide if it's really worth it.

Go Ahead, Laugh At the Pregnant Chick!

Random conversation #1:
*shopping in Walden Books*
Me: *looking at Pilates book on the clearance shelf* Yeah, Pilates! I practice Yoga every morning when I put my socks on!
Ang: *drops book she's looking at & bursts into laughter*
Me: Glad you see the humor in it, I find it to be quite a pain in the ass!

Random conversation #2:
*passing through Sears*
Me: Awww... cute shirt. I don't buy cute clothes anymore!
Ang: Oh, you're clothes are always cute, you just don't "feel" cute.
Me: No, it's okay. I've resigned myself to being okay with walking around like a hippo in a floral printed shower curtain!
Ang: *dies of laughter*

Random conversation #3:
*sitting at my desk trying to hang my calendar on my bulletin board*
Me: Who's bright idea was it to put this bulletin board clear back here behind my desk?
Sam: Hmmm... I know who that was.
Me: Well, I'm an idiot!
Sam: Having problems?
Me: Yeah, this belly wasn't in my way when I got the bright idea to stick this thing clear back here! Why didn't you warn me that this might happen?
Sam: *gives me that "where'd you think the baby was going to grow" look & laughs*

Random conversation #4:
*staring at foot in disgust*
Sam: What's wrong?
Me: Oh, just my latest pregnancy complaint.
Sam: What's that?
Me: I've got an ingrown toenail that is screaming "Cut my toe of at the HIP!!"
Sam: *laughing* I hate that, I finally broke down and took care of mine last night.
Me: Yeah, I hate it. You just have to get out the tools and say, "Okay toe, I'm going to start cutting here and I'm going to keep cutting higher and higher until you quit hurtin!"
Sam: *laughing harder* That's pretty much how it goes!
Me: At least you can reach yours. First I have to get mine up here, then I can only sit like this so long before my body goes "Oh Hell NO!!"
Sam: *still laughing* That's hilarious!
Me: Glad you think so. I'm seriously considering wrapping my shoe in yellow police tape. Then I'll put a sign out that says, "Step on the toe and DIE!!"

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Good Sign It's Past My Bedtime

Daddy Dearest gets up and makes the bed. He then returns to the living room with something ominously concealed in his hands.

Daddy: Hold out your hand
Me: *cringing and yanking hand away*
Daddy: Just hold out your hand
Me: This better not be icky! *cringing, preparing to scream & throw whatever is placed in my hand*

Daddy drops two chewable vitamins in my hand. hehe... yes, I'm obviously PARANOID!!

I might be offended if it weren't for the fact that I'd told him I was going to bed an hour ago and he knows how miserable I feel in the mornings. If anyone else did it, I'd suspect alterior motives, but Daddy has only the best of intentions.

Goodnight... I think... no, seriously... Goodnight... FOR REAL!!

Baby On Board

Okay, so I spend many a part of my day browsing through baby products, baby blogs, baby message boards, etc. (There seems to be a pattern here. You'd think I was pregnant or something!)

Anyway, I must admit that I am a little shocked by some of the things that I find. I am more shocked to read some of the things that Mommies-To-Be write.

Now, as this is my first child, I must say that I in no way consider myself an expect on pregnancy or being a parent (thus my total reluctance to give parenting advice to others). However, it concerns me that some people who are well on their way to becoming parents do not understand the basic concepts of pregnancy. So, I'm going to try to clear up a few myths I've seen people ask about.

  1. There is no reason to totally SPAZ out if your calender says you should be due on the 30th and the sonogram says you're due on the 27th! IT'S 3 DAYS!!! Seriously, by the time the 1st rolls around you'll be praying for that baby to get out of there!
  2. On a similar note, it is asking a lot of your baby to say, "Well, we're due on the 30th, but my friend wants it on her birthday which is the 21st. I'm hoping the baby comes EARLY but not THAT early!" Umm... that's 9 days. A due date is only accurate to a plus or minus two weeks. So you're saying that you wouldn't mind your baby making it's debut 5 days early, but you'll hyperventilate if he or she decides to break out 6 days early?
  3. No! It is NOT true that pregnant teenagers ALWAYS have girls! Just because the four girls you know that got pregnant as teenagers HAD girls, does not mean that ALL teenage mothers have girls!
  4. Your baby's umbilical cord is NOT attached to your belly button. Therefor, it simply is not logical to believe that your child is pulling on the cord because your belly button is moving. Your belly button is where YOUR umbilical cord was attached to YOU. Your baby's umbilical cord is attached to your placenta which is attached to your uterus. If your baby's umbilical cord was attached to your belly button, you'd have a hole there and would have to bottle feed your baby via your belly button for nine months! One of these days I'll get creative and draw a picture of what THAT would look like... until then, just imagine!
  5. Placenta Previa is when your placenta is located in a very low position close to the cervex. It could present complications during labor & delivery, but your pregnancy can usually progress normally until then. Proclampsia is when your placenta separates from the uterus prior to labor and delivery. This usually requires IMMEDIATE medical attention. Confusing the two is a MAJOR thing!!! Thus my reason for #6!
  6. While the net may be a good place to vent or catch up on the latest trends and news, please do NOT use message boards as a substitute for medical advice! ALWAYS ask your doctors if you have any medical questions. You wouldn't ask medical advice from a woman who was bottle-feeding her belly button on the street! Please use caution when accepting advice online. Just because a woman is pregnant like you, doesn't mean she has the slightest idea how she got that way!!

This is a Fun Game!!

Wanna know what the weather is like where I am? Check out The Weather Channel.

Wanna gossip about the locals? Write your own blog.

Wanna whine about your problems? Take a number.

Wanna catch up on how your relatives are doing? Try calling them.

Wanna pretend there isn't a problem? Keep pretending I don't notice!

Wanna blame my hormones? See if my opinions change once she gets here!

Wanna keep playing games? Fine by me, I'm just starting to break in the ball bat!

Wanna play nice with me? Might take a little growing up on your part

Wanna know what this is all about? You're so smart, you should be able to figure it out.

Think your good at Leap Frog? I'm an expert at Keep Away!!

Note: For a moment I forgot that people who don't know my messed up family really do read my posts on occasion. In which case this post probably confuses the heck out of you. Briefly put, it's a family drama involving an individual who thinks she can be best buddies with me (and the baby) while eliminating my parents from her life. The only reason it's posted here is to humor my online family. Hope that clears things up!

This Might Be Fun

This post is just for Tink...

Note: I love Shel Silverstein and this will in no way do justice to that writing. This is just my boredom insanely mixing with Tink's comment and my moderate poetry skills.

Where the Sidewalk Ends

There is a place where the sidewalk ends, I guess they ran out of concrete.

You'll find a gaping hole there so I suggest you watch your feet.

When I get really bored I stroll to where the sidewalk ends at

I throw things in the gaping hole and listen for them to go *splat*

One day I threw a penny in and waited with a patient ear

Trying to guess how long it'd be before that landing sound I'd hear

I bent my knees and craned my neck but only silence echoed in the black

That's when I learned where the sidewalk ends, things fall in and don't come back

Then in my mind a dark idea, I'd found the perfect hiding spot

For all the things that drive me mad. I began to grin at this new thought

I tossed the neighbors and their dog, into that never-ending pit

Now I don't have to look out my window and stare at Fido's shit

One day my brother ticked me off so I took him where the sidewalk ends

And while he listened for his penny, I smiled and shoved him in

I took my exes 4x4 and stuck the gear in drive

And then I simply stood and watched as it took one final dive

Where the sidewalk ends I think, you'll find a lot of junk

I've tossed some jeans, and all my trash and many things that stunk

So if you ever find yourself, standing where the sidewalk ends

You just might want to watch your back and pray you are my friend!

-Ellie's Mommie 2006

Brought to you by the letter "B"

We will return to our regularly scheduled blog, right after this brief conversation.

Me: I need something to blog about today...
Daddy: Blog about Blogging Bloggers Blogging their Blogging Brains out ALL Blogging Day!!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog!

It Just Won't STOP!!!

I have come to the conclusions that my Crazy Cousin is the devil incarnate!

Why? Have you read her blogs? Have you noticed that she posts a daily "song that will stick in your head and drive you batty beyond any hope of therapy"? Do you realize that I know the words to all of these songs so they do nothing but roll around repeatedly in my head driving me crazier than I already am? Do you realize that if by chance I've forgotten some of the words to these songs, my cousin is evil enough to have written them out to remind me? Do you realize that I have had the theme song from the Fresh Prince stuck in my head since SUNDAY? Do you realize that now, clammering around as the background music to the Fresh Prince, I have Scooby Doo playing as well?


...Now... this is a story all about how my Scooby-Dooby-Doo turned upside down,
and I'd like to take a minute, oh where are you?
I'll tell you how we got some work to do now
In... Scooby-Dooby-Doo born and raised
on the playground is where are you?,
chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', we need some help from you now.
C'mon Scooby-Doo outside the school
When a couple of guys said "I see you"
started making slivers in my neighborhood...

You get the drift right?

Yes, it's sad, but so true. My cousin is SATAN!!!!

However, since I've earned almost $11 in ad clicks today, and I know she contributes to that... I'll forgive her!

Monday, February 26, 2007

Maternity Madness!

So, have you ever seen a Bella Band? It's this little tube of fabric which is specifically designed to hold up maternity pants or cover your ever expanding belly so that youcan wear you pre-prego clothes longer. Personally, I've thought it was a good idea ever since I started fastening my pants with a hair tie.

You see, I've learned a few things about clothing and the ever expanding body of a pregnant woman!

  1. While your pre-pregnant hip huggers might fit ideally underneath your bulging belly, you will no doubt spend the day trying to pull the back of your pants up so that your ass doesn't hang out in the half moon fashion.
  2. Long maternity shirts can cover the previously mentioned "half-moon effect". However, you will still spend your day pulling the back of your pants up because you can feel that plumber's crack effect!
  3. Hair ties are ideal for expanding a tight waistband. Unfortunately, at some point you will undoubtedly outgrow the zipper. Unless you are the type who doesn't mind a little lower-level air conditioning, you will eventually have to break down and wear real maternity pants!
  4. When you finally break down and slide into that first giant elastic waistband, you will discover that you now have to spend most of your day pulling up the front of your pants to prevent the ever attractive "crotch-around-the-knees effect".

This is where that Bella Band would come in very handy. However, where I live there aren't many options available to shop for maternity items. That's where being raised on hand-me-downs, garage sale specials, and improvised furniture comes in quite handy.

My solution: a black knit tube top! I must say that it is about 85% effective which means I only have to pull my pants up about three times in the course of the day, as opposed to 326 times!

Barbie's Legs Popped Off Again!!

I realize that in my messed up pregnant brain things aren't always the way they should be, but I must say that today definately took the cake!

Let me explain. I have a fabulous set of maternity pants that my mother picked up for the criminal price of $3 a pair. They are all hip, cute, and most importantly they don't fall off my ass when I sit down. However, there is one pair that I haven't quite got the hang of yet. Just a pair of plain denim maternity pants. Nothing fancy smancy about them, except that they have a pretty red and yellow decorative seam. The weird part about it is that the decorative seam is on the inseam! Yes, that's right. The decorative seam runs up the inside of my legs. It reminds me a lot of an airport runway. Here you go kid! Everything's well lit when you decide to make your entry!!

So back to my pregnancy brain. Today, I'm sitting at my desk with one leg thrown clumsily over the other knee. As I look down at my pant leg, I can't help but notice (once again) this decorative inseam. And what was the first thought that popped in my mind?

"Oh my god! My legs are on backwards!!"

How Much is that Playhouse in the Backyard?

So, here I was browsing through incredibly outrageous things that people buy for their spoiled little shitheads. There are $49,000 armoires that look like the shoe the old woman lived in. $47,000 beds designed to replicated Cinderella's coach. A Victorian playhouse which can be customized with cable, running water, electricity, and wireless communication with a price that starts around $23,400.

There once was a freaky family, who lived in a condo
They bought stupid shit because they had too much dough
Their daughter grew up and ran off with some rock stars
The son can be found hanging out in the gay bars
And mommy and daddy have spent all they had
Now they live in the playhouse, now isn't that sad

Anyway, all kidding aside, I did find this awesome bed. I can't say I'd pay $3,000 for it. But still. If that isn't the coolest bed I've ever seen! The top holds a 30" x 60" loft mattress while a twin mattress fits below.

It is SOOOOO Cool!!

Sorry, just had to share!

And yes, I will admit that if I was a millionaire I would buy the armoire and the Cindrella coach and the damn playhouse too! Why? Because, if I had the money to spoil the shit out of my daughter, you better bet I would!

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Six Ridiculous Baby Products!!

Okay, so I was on a search for ridiculous baby items. And boy did I find some! From the over-protective parent's accesories, to the I don't have time to play Mommy accesories, there seems to be no end to the pointless nature of the products on the market!

Here we have the ThudGuard (a.k.a. The Thug Guard) Worried that your toddle will bump his fragile noggin? Concerned that she'll start hanging out with a bad crowd? Sleepless nights about you child getting involved with sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll? Have no fear! The Thug Guard is here!! Guaranteed to assure that your childs precious grey matter will remain fully intact long enough for him or her to gain full motor skills. Also, designed to prevent any normal social interaction with other toddlers. Rest assured with Thug Guard, your child will be the laughing stock of the neighborhood and you will no longer have to worry that they will join the local gang movement. Thug Guard guarantees that your child will never get laid or fit in with other children, thus eliminating the worry of teen-pregnancy and drug use. Thug guard comes complete with a lifetime supply of pocket protectors and scientific calculators. Today, for a special reduced rate, you can recieve a lifetime supscription to Why I Hate My Parents. Your welcome package will include valuable coupons for discounts on family counseling sessions, legal consultants, and drug rehab programs. Don't miss out on this special oppotunity!!

Here we have the TummyTub!! Designed to bring the stability and security of the womb to bathtime, this plastic tub is ideal for the family who keeps random body parts in large jars in the pantry! No more filling the sink or tub with water to give baby a bath, simply fill this convienent bucket with water and bathe your baby at the dinner table! Much better than conventional buckets because there are no handles or toxic plastic additives. Guaranteed to make your child feel as comfortable as it was cramped up in your womb for nine months.

The Baby Keeper! Designed to eliminate the hassel of where to put your baby while you pee! This special harness was made specifically for the purpose of hanging your youngster on the door of any public bathroom stall. While we do not recommend you place your purse in this location, due to the high rates of theft, we feel that your baby will be secure and comfortable hanging on the bathroom door while you drop a load! Also convientent for work at home parents who need a place to store the baby while completing those necessary filing tasks. Other uses may include: hanging your child on your own bathroom door so you can get that much needed bubble bath, storing your child in the closet while the boss is visiting for dinner, or hanging the child on the front door as a unique welcome wreath!

The Zaky Pillow! A uniquely designed pillow in the shape of human hands is perfectly designed for any parent who is infatuated with the Addam's Family! This pillow is specially made to provide the same comforting touch that Mommy or Daddy might provide. Perfect for the parents who simply cannot bother to hold their child. Also ideal for providing that special touch while Mommy and Daddy are off creating a little brother or sister.

The Walk-O-Long. Another Hand's Free Parenting device, designed for parents who feel that actually touching their child will create a psychological complex. This soft, comfortable, bungee cord will allow you to pick your toddler up off the floor during that clumsy learning to walk stage. No more stooping over to comfort a boo boo. Simply yank on the Walk-O-Long and your toddler will be up and running again in no time. This device is useful for children up to the age of 10. It can substitute as a leash when taking your child out in public and is ideal for helping to steady a child who is learning to roller skate. The Walk-O-Long is the perfect gift for any parent who is dreadfully afraid of catching some horrible germ from their young child. No more need for that dangerous parent-child contact.

And finally, for the parent who simple does not have the time to bother with feeding time. We bring you the Pacifier Sipper! Put that sucking action to good use with this specially designed pacifier straw. Perfect for parents who's schedules are too busy to tend to their child's basic needs. Just pop in the binky and be on your way! Also ideal for parents who don't mind if their thirteen year old is running around with a pacifier in their mouth and no comprehension of how to use a cup. This fantastic product is brought to you by the makers of Beer Helmets! We guarantee your child will fit right in at any hillbilly gathering where men wear beer cans on their heads and drink out of them with straws. Finally, Daddy and Baby can bond over meal time.

People Scare the Sh!t Out of Me!

This site makes me feel so much better about my family and the people that I know. All these years I've thought I grew up in a really messed up family. Come to find out, there are people way more f#cked up than US!!

  • Awe... look... what a sweet little doggy on the front step staring out at the pond.
  • Oh, look at the innocent kitty daydreaming about catnip and balls of string
  • Okay, so lizards aren't all that cute and cuddly, but some people like to keep them around for pets.
  • And the guinea pig just out enjoying a casual day in the garden
  • And this good ol' boy, lounging on the porch like any devoted dog.

So what could possibly make me think that these pet's owners are the creepiest, freakiest, most insane individuals on earth?

It's really quite simple. All these pets are DEAD!! That's right! DEAD!! Kicked the bucket! Gone to the Pet Shop in the Sky! No longer of MORTAL being! They are DEAD!! And their loving (aka. chemically unstable) owners had them stuffed!! Correction! FREEZE DRIED!!

Thank you Pet Preservation for officially creeping me out!!

Another Sesame Street Lesson

The ABC's of Pregnancy

A - A$$H*L3 (What Daddy will probably get called at least once during delivery!)

B - Baby Belly

C - Cheeseburgers (aka: The Quickest Way to Cheer Mommy Up)

D - Daddy Dearest

E - Expensive (i.e. Doctor's Bills, Baby Supplies, Maternity Clothes, etc.)

F - Feet (What I would love to see again!)

G - Gigantic (How big I feel!)

H - Hormonal!!

I - It's a Girl!!!

J - Jello (What my belly looks like when baby gets frisky)

K - Kickboxer (What our little girl will be when she grows up)

L - Legs (Something I long to shave again!)

M - Motherhood

N - Nookie (What I have no desire for these day. Sorry, was that too much?)

O - Obstetrician (Someone who probably knows more about you than your significant other at this point!)

P - Pain killers (What I'll be screaming for the minute I hit the hospital doors!)

Q - Questions (10,000 thoughts that scramble your brain on a daily basis. 9,999 of them have no right answer)

R - Rhogam (A shot that makes your butt cheek hurt for 3 days afterwards)

S - Sleep (A rare commodity from now until graduation)

T - Third Trimester (The longest three months of your life)

U - Ultrasound (Those fabulous prenatal pictures that are so very expensive)

V - Virgin (What I swear I am!!)

W - Waddle When you Walk!!

X - X-Rays (Just another excuse for avoiding the dentist!)

Y - Yoga (The art of being able to put your socks on in the morning)

Z - Zippers (What I'm thankful my shoes have, rather than laces)

10 things I hate about being pregnant:

  1. Trying to find clothes that fit without making me look like a hippopotamus in a shower curtain
  2. Putting on my shoes and socks in the morning
  3. Feeling like I need to take a nap every two hours
  4. The thought of all the extra wieght I'm going to have this summer
  5. The weird things that are going on with my belly button
  6. Not being able to sleep on my stomach because it's like balancing and elephant on a basketball
  7. Not being able to be in a bad mood without someone chalking it up to hormones
  8. Having to perfect various yoga positions in order to take a bath
  9. 1500 side effects for which there is no cure
  10. A list of 5000 things that need to be done in the next 3 months and no energy to do them

10 things I love about being pregnant

  1. Not feeling guilty for making the 17-year-old grocery boy push my cart out to the car in 20 degree weather
  2. Watching my belly wiggle like jello when the baby moves
  3. Having an excuse for my total inability to concentrate or form logical thought processes
  4. Being able to blame my bad day on the baby
  5. Being able to eat as much as my heart desires without people giving me funny looks
  6. Shopping for cute little girl's outfits
  7. The way Daddy smiles when he's rubbing my belly
  8. Having an excuse for why the dishes aren't done & the trash is sitting on the front step
  9. Being able to order a virgin Pina Colada without looking like a sissy
  10. Of course, our sweet (obnoxious) little girl.

Crumple vs.Fold

Sesame Street now presents:

Another Random Conversation!

Scene: Me & Daddy Dearest in the bathroom (him using the mirror & me using the facilities - sorry if that's too much)

Me: *out of the blue* So, do you crumple or do you fold?
Daddy: Fold
Me: Me too *folding*
Daddy: F#@% CRUMPLES!! Crumples cause mistakes!!!
Me: *hysterical laughter*

This conversation was brought to you by the letters
T and P.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

My Little Sister!!

Okay, so ever since my "baby" sister started her modeling stuff I've had to bite my tongue. She's all grown up now and while most of the pictures I've seen of her are very tasteful, many of them did make me want to go kamakaze-hormonal-big-sister on the photographer.
However, this is her most recent pic and frankly, I think it is so gorgeous I can't help but brag about her.
She's BEAUTIFUL! Of course I've always known that, but this picture is FABULOUS!!

Randomness (In honor of my cousin)

Just another random conversation:

*takes Daddy Dearest's hands in my own and smiles up at him*
Me: Honey, you have sheet wrinkles on your face. (he'd just woke up)
Daddy: *grinning* I also have fecal matter on my hands!
Me: AAAHHHH! *lets go immediately*

Just a note: There was nothing on his hands, but me holding them was keeping him from his morning cigarette.

Cheap Entertainment

Okay, so it's obvious by now that I am easily entertained by the simplest things.

Quick Fact: Yesterday I got my mother & my cousin to sign up for AdSense ads on their blogspot sites so that when I'm bored I can click their ads and have the satisfaction that I'm making money for the people I love. It's not much, but the ads don't take up much space so we figure we'll give it a shot. (If you're interested, there's a link under my "Google Tools" section that will let you sign up and waste away your life too!)

Anyway, today I went to their sites and checked out their ads. And what I found has amused me to no end. AdSense is designed to give you advertisements that are targeted to the content of your site (you'll notice that mine are usually pregnancy related). However, as my family's sites have not been up for very long, Adsense has not yet "learned" very much about their sites.

Therein lies the humor.

My mother's site had an advertisement today titled "God - Total Union with God" I about died. Anyone who knows my mother very well knows that she is as close to "Anti-Christian" as it comes. It's not that she has a problem with God, just that she has a problem with the way most people present their God and she just doesn't want you telling her that she's wrong because your invisible man in the sky says so.

As for my cousin's site. It was proudly sporting a "Dead Animal Removal" ad. This is only funny to me because I am well aware of her problems with rodent control and how much she truly despises mice and other rodents.

Yes, I realize that some may not see the humor in this sort of stuff, but as I said before, "I am easily entertained!"

Friday, February 23, 2007

Just One More Thing About Commercials

Have you seen this commercial?

I mean seriously... The Most Advanced Piece of Technology You'll Ever Pee On?

Need I even say more?

While We're Talking About Commercials

Here's a great commercial idea from the ramblings of Daddy Dearest (after watching me skillfully remove my bra after work, while remaining fully dressed):

Woman walking out of a business meeting removes her bra under her shirt & tosses it in the secretary's wastebasket.

Woman sitting in a fine restaurant removes her bra from under her shirt & tosses it on the dirty stack of dishes.

Woman in a movie theater removes her bra from under her shirt & tosses it in the row behind her.

Four women get off work and begin drive home. All remove their bras under their shirts and toss them out the window on the freeway.

Scenes of abandoned bras in various odd places (i.e. the elevator, hanging on a gas pump, a park bench, etc.)

One woman undressing that evening before bed and still wearing her bra.

Commentary, "Finally, a bra that really CAN give you 18 full hours of comfort!"

Now tell me that almost every woman in America can't relate to that!

Wonder Maxi to the RESCUE!!

Okay, maybe it's just me, but what's up with the new Stayfree Maxi Pad Commercial?

If you haven't seen it, I'll give you a brief recap:

Three women lounging on a rooftop in the sun. A watertower nearby springs a leak. Blondie jumps to the rescue with her package of Stayfree Maxi Pads. One Maxi absorbs all of the watertower's leaking water. Returning to her seat, another woman "pets" the maxi and declares, "It's still DRY!!!". Blondie places the maxi back in her purse!

I realize that given my current state, it's been some time since I've had to bother with the burdens of maxi pads. However, never in my entire life has a maxi pad made me feel like a SUPERHERO!! As a matter of fact, anytime I've ever needed to carry my maxi pads around with me, I certainly was in no mood to jump to the rescue of anyone.

PLEASE!! Show me something I might believe:

Woman sitting in a police station being questioned about the death of her boyfriend. The officer asks if she has an alibi. "Why yes officer, as a matter of fact, I do! You see, I woke with a killer migraine, crawled out of bed doubled over with cramps, drug my half-dead body to the bathroom where I downed half a bottle of Midol and dug my Stayfree Maxi Pads out from under the sink. I then walked zombi-fashion to the kitchen where I proceded to consume a half-pint of Rocky Road ice cream for breakfast before settling on the couch to watch Oprah. My boyfriend knocked on the front door, but all I had the energy to do was throw the remote at the door. Realizing that I'd rather be watching Dr. Phil, I crawled acrossed the room to retrieve the remote and decided to let my boyfriend inside. I was hoping that I could talk him into running me a warm bath. Unfortunately, when I opened the door I found him dead in the hallway. At first I was shocked, but then it suddenly occured to me that I needed to change my maxi. After spending 15 minutes in the bathroom, I downed the other half of the Midol bottle and ran my bath. 30 minutes later, I crawled back to the couch and became enthrawled in my favorite soap opera. It was 45 minutes and a king size Snickers bar later that I remembered I'd left Bobby lying dead in the hallway. I was trying to remember where I left the cordless phone when I had to rush to the bathroom again to prevent a HUGE disaster! I finally found the phone on my bedroom floor where I'd left it when I called in sick this morning and was just about to dial 9-1-1 when the police began banging on my front door. Now if you don't mind, could someone make a trip to the corner gas station to pick me up some Stayfree Maxi Pads because the crappy maxi pads provided in the women's restroom are not qualified to absorb what drips from a toddler's sippy cup?"

Now see... I would BUY that!!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Yes! I have NO life!!

So I'm sitting here bored out of my mind contemplating the horrors of fishing cat vomit out of a toilet with a fork and realizing that indeed, I have NO LIFE!!

That's all there is to it!

Daddy Dearest left for work three hours ago (after kissing his girls who declared they would VEG on the couch for the evening!)

What have I (we) done since? We've inventoried our books and analyzed what they said about us! We've browsed through neighboring blogs (re-reading the horrors mentioned above). We've drank a Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and wished that there was someone online to talk to. We've checked our Analytics and "WooHooed" at the fact we had a visitor from the fabulously far away state of Hawaii. We've peed several times! And we answered the phone to tell Daddy we wanted breadsticks with cheese and Flinstone's Complete for supper!!

Now look how productive we've been!!

I must confess that pregnancy makes me feel like the LAZIEST person on the planet!!

I know that I'm not ACTUALLY the LAZIEST because... well... I inventoried our book collection! Yeah! I really lazy (or sane) person would have never bothered to do that.

So, I am slowly coming to terms with my total lack of a life. I'm embracing my BOREDOM and hoping that somewhere in all of it, I'll be inspired to do something totally ridiculous (like assess my personality via my personal library collection). Who knows, maybe my boredom has inspired me to return my late library books (not likely since I'm halfway through two of them!)

But thankfully, as I sit here and wait for my breadsticks with cheese to arrive, I have the peace of mind knowing that our current living arrangement forbids pets and therefore...

...I do NOT have to fish cat vomit out of a toilet with a FORK!!!

(if you're very VERY bad... in you're next life you'll be a FORK!!!)

Analyze this!

Okay, so anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that I am a BOOK JUNKIE!!

That is not to say that I read a lot of books. No, I just collect them so that people who visit my house THINK I read a lot of books. Thus the title "Book Junkie" as opposed to "Reading Junkie".
There are many parts to this addiction of mine. This first part is that "inner idealist" who aspires to have someday read all of the books. A second part cannot bear to get rid of literature I have not yet gotten around to reading myself. A third part is overly impressed by the vast amount of knowledge (both factual and fictional) that is readily available to my fingertips. Still a fourth part is simple too selfish to part with a collection that I have worked hard to collect. Add into this mix the simple fact that I'm a packrat (it's genetically drilled into my brain) and you get a never ending (and ever growing) accumulation of literature.

Inside my small one bedroom apartment you will find a bookshelf full of Stephen King, another rack of various novels and resource books, a corner cabinet of New Age material, a few books stranded on my desk, and a box of romance novels in my bedroom (this is most baffeling to me as I have not read a romance novel since I was 16).

As I have recently come to terms with my ADDICTION, I thought it might be interesting to take a look at what my books say about me. How much information can you obtain about a person by simply observing their personal library? I was shocked to learn quite a lot about myself.

Below is a list of books you can find in my livingroom (I have excluded the romance novels). Books I have actually read (cover to cover) are in bold, while books I have started to read (or read parts of) are in italics. And here is what I've learned about myself from my books. Let me know if you discover any other inciteful information from this list:

  1. I love old books. Really old books: An 1886 Medical Dictionary

  2. I'm fascinated with my Celtic heritage: The Celtic Tree Oracle; Touch of the Irish; Celtic Magic

  3. I find dreams very interesting: A Dictionary of Dream Symbols; From Dreams to Discovery; Dream Interpretations for Beginners; Oracle of the Dreamtime

  4. I don't do organized religion: Wicca: A Guide to the Solitary Practitioner; Llewellyn's 2000 Magical Almanac; 1999 Witch's Almanac; 2000 Witch's Almanac; Wicca 2000;
    Magical Charms from A to Z; The Complete Book of Magic & Witchcraft; How to Uncover Your Past Lives;
    Goddess in My Pocket; Pocket Guide to Wicca; The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Fortune Telling; Dictionary of Mythology

  5. I'm a hopeless romantic: I Hope You Dance; Sonnets of Love & Friendship

  6. I want to have a yard (and a garden) someday: Natural Landscaping; Introductory Horticulture

  7. I don't have a long enough attention span to read a 1000+ page novel (seriously, I've gotten halfway through this book about 4 times, so I figure that's similar to having read it twice!): The Witching Hour

  8. I love poetry: Treehouse; Covenants; Platte Valley Homestead; Things Taking Shape

  9. I'm fascinated by the supernatural: Strange Tales; In Defense of Ghosts

  10. A book substitutes as 2 hours of inservice for my job: For the Love of Ann; When Rabbit Howls; Yesterday's Child; Leslie; Somewhere a Child Is Crying

  11. I enjoy astronomy: Planets; Universe

  12. Altering books is fun: The New Book of Knowledge A1; Tim McGraw & the Dancehouse Doctors

  13. I can't part with books (even if I have no intention of reading them): When the Wind Blows; Backroads; The Door to December; The Servants of Twilight; Vampires; The Bear & the Dragon

  14. I love a good laugh: I Didn't Plan To Be a Witch

  15. I really can finish a book (but then I don't want to part with it): The Passion;
    The Amittyville Horror (2 copies)

  16. I'm a sucker for a classic: Gone With the Wind

  17. College books are too expensive to get rid of: Literature

  18. My boss shouldn't ask me to write AR tests for books I have no interest in: The Heritage of Shannara; The Teeth of the Tiger

  19. I am terrible about returning my library books (these are only a few months overdue, my last set was 2 years past due. Thankfully, no late fees!): Black & Blue; The Saint of Dragons; Spellfall; Freaky Green Eyes

  20. I have an excellent memory (borrowed this from a co-worker 2 years ago): Portrait of a Serial Killer

  21. I should really brush up on my history: World History: Connections to Today

  22. I love arts & crafts: Papercrafts & Origami; Art Deco

  23. I taught myself to play the guitar (kind of): 2 Guitar Books

  24. I'm pregnant with my first child: What To Expect When You're Expecting; The Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy

  25. I like easy excercise & hate medicine: Yoga, Tai Chi, Massage Therapies & Healing Remedies

  26. I want our baby to be smart: My Book House Collection 1-12

  27. I love Stephen King books: Different Seasons; Four Past Midnight; The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon; Skeleton Crew; Night Shift; Talisman; Rose Madder; Dolores Claiborne; Dark Tower II: The Drawing of the Three

  28. But I'm not too fond of reading Stephen King books: Firestarter; The Dead Zone; The Dark Half; Thinner; Bag of Bones; Insomnia; IT; Dark Tower: The Gunslinger; Dark Tower III: The Wastelands; Dark Tower IV: The Wizard & the Glass

  29. And this is my favorite... I'm rather strange (these are the only three books on the computer desk): The Instant Tarot Reader; The Holy Bible; and The Complete Bartender

Stalking my boyfriend!

Woohoo! I have discovered a new and interesting SPYWARE tool! Now, from the comfort of my desk at work, I can know whether Daddy dearest will be awake when I get home from work or not. It's really not a big deal either way. The man works evenings and so he usually stays awake all night and sleeps while I'm at work. However, it does make me more prepared for my arrival home.

You see, there is a difference between coming home to a man who has been awake long enough to have his "morning" cigarette and can of soda, and coming home to an utterly exhausted man who isn't truely convinced that his job is worth getting out of that cozy bed. The first means I get to walk in the door with a smile on my face and happily announce, "Honey, I'm HOME!!" while the later means I should quietly tiptoe through the apartment until it's time to wake the sleeping giant with gentle hugs and kisses (much like myself, he has an inner demon that is not exactly human for about 30 minutes after awakening!)

I greatly prefer to come home to the wide awake version of Daddy. Partially because I like to see his beaming smile when I walk through the door, but also because I'm starting to nod off at that point in the day causing my inner demon (Sybil) to come out. Some of you might think that two demon's would be perfectly suited for each other. You would be DEAD WRONG! You see Sybil does NOT play well with others. She's more of the "chew them up and spit them out" type. Thus, if you put her in the same room with the "not quite awake and kinda grouchy" demon that Daddy possesses, there is bound to be screaming, eye gouging, and eventually an evil Sybilian battle cry!

So you see, this new SPYWARE tool will come in very handy in the near future because I will be better prepared to have Sybil chained down extra tight on occasions which Daddy has decided to sleep in.

I know, I know, you're all dying to learn what my SPYWARE tool is.

Quite simply, MSN Messenger!

Yes, I know... how boring! But honestly, I'm sitting on the computer at work, logged into my messenger, waiting to see if the YeahWhooos come on, when suddenly I get a message:

"You have just been logged into messenger on another computer. Click here to log in again!"

Well, isn't that neat? Guess Daddy woke up!

Phone call to Daddy:
--*ring ring*
--Daddy: Yes, dear?
--Me: Hi honey. You just got on the computer didn't you?
--Daddy: Yes! STALKER!!!
--Me: *giggles*
--Daddy: STALKER! *click*

Top 10 Reasons I HATE American Idol!!

10. It just dawned on me that I don't even like the logo for American Idol. The A is meesy, American is crooked and Idol is... anyway... I think it's ugly.

9. Do we really care? We get wrapped up in the hype and the voting and the SCANDAL!! But afterwards, if it wasn't "you're #1" that won it all. Do you really care? Personally, the only Idol winner I truely know much about is Carrie Underwood. Why? Well, because I voted for her for a whole season and then she happened to make it work afterwards. Did I care when her first album came out? No, it was okay, but I didn't jump for joy. Do I care now? Not really, but I'm super in love with her latest hit song and therefore it's all good. Was Carrie Underwood's winning American Idol the highlight of my life? year? month? week? No, maybe the highlight of my evening on that particular evening but that's only because it was like picking the winning horse in the Kentucky Derby even though you didn't win a dime!

8. The hypocracy. Everyone gets so mad because Simon criticizes (harshly at times) the singer's ability (or lack of). That's fine, but if you're going to complain about what an ASS he is, don't you dare let me catch you laughing when they show the "Season's Worst" episode!

7. American Idol Karaoke CD Packs!! OK... Even I am DUMBSTRUCK by this. American Idol IS just a big KARAOKE show people!! No matter what they'd like you to think. I can go to any local college bar and hear people sing who are equally as BAD and equally as GOOD!! It's KARAOKE for people too lazy to go to the BAR!! The Karaoke CD has 3 more songs than Carrie Underwood's HIT ALBUM and costs $3 more!!

6. The ALL NEW DVD American Idol BOARD GAME (American Idol - All Star Challenge DVD)!! Oh, yes, see me? I cannot contain my excitement! PLEASE, encourage youth around the world to go forth and make idiots out of themselves and have their self-esteem crushed for all eternity because a DVD told them they SUCKED!! THANK YOU!!!

5. Nothing makes me want to puke more than hearing one of my favorite songs BOTCHED by some pop star wannabe.

4. Simon Cowell - okay, so he's a jerk and he's mean and that's not really why I hate him. Honestly, I hate him because he's so Metro-sexual it sickens me. Oh and for "Il Divo"!!

3. I have trouble sitting through 2 hours worth of a movie (even a good movie) what in the world would inspire a network to air 2 hours of mind-numbing KARAOKE!!!

2. Who is the BAD friend who told some of these people that they CAN SING? I mean honestly, don't YOU have friends who would keep you from going on national TV and making an ASS of yourself?

AND the NUMBER 1 reason why I HATE American Idol isssssssss.......................
(Warning: I'm very irate about this one!)
(No. Seriously. This ticks me off!)
(I'm telling you, this won't be pretty!)

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

My Amazing Chameleon Clothes

Okay... YES! I LIED!! I'm a LIAR!! LIARS go to HELL!! Guess I'll see you all there!

I know I said I'd tell you all about my chameleon clothes as soon as I finished digesting my fried chicken. However, something came up. I have no idea what exactly came up. I just know it did. But thankfully, I left myself this reminder so that I could come back and tell you all about my chameleon clothes!

Late last week, I dressed in a very nice set of sweatshirts and headed off to work. after about an hour at work, I found myself staring in a puzzled manner at my sweatshirt. Noticing my puzzled look, my co-workers asked me if I was okay. I informed them that everything was fine, except that when I put this shirt on that morning. It was dark GREEN!!

My co-worker stares at my shirt (which is very obviously chocolate brown) and simply said, "Um, no dear. It WASN'T!"

The brown still looked nice over the top of the olive green shirt I was wearing, but the point was that too me, it was GREEN that morning!!

As both of my co-workers stared at me in that "baby-has-sucked-her-last-brain-cell" look, I admitted that I had gotten dressed in the dark that morning to keep from waking Daddy dearest up. Of course this created a chorus of laughter from them and the suggestion that next time, I turn on the light.

So yesterday, having dressed with the assistance of a light, I discovered that I wasn't entirely crazy. I did in fact own two GREEN sweatshirts which I had intended to wear together the previous week. Now, being able to see them, I decided to wear them on this particular day! Upon arriving to work I proudly confessed that I had found the other GREEN shirt. Which brought forth a chuckle and comments of "Guess you turned on the light today!"

Later that day, my two co-workers realized that they had both dressed in coordinating black and tan outfits. They immediately turned to me (in my GREEN shirts and blue jeans) and jokingly asked where I had been when the phone call went out that morning. I tried to convince them that I had a hangover that morning and refused to answer the phone. While they were amused, my current physical state casted a shadow of doubt on that alabi.

I immediately stood up shocked and stared at my clothes. "What are you talking about? This morning when I got dressed I thought this WAS black and tan!!!"

Now that, they believed!

Monday, February 19, 2007

Soda Can From Hell!

Today I encountered the soda from Hell. It was a mystery soda I had purchased from the seemingly normal vending machine in the office. There was a minor dent upon the bottom of the can, but nothing to deter the average soda drinker.

This devilish can had sat on my desk for about ten minutes when I finally decided to open it. During those ten minutes it had not been disturbed in the slightest way to provoke an irritable nature. However, upon opening the can it immediately fizzed in a very threatening manner. As if it thought about exploding all over me, but then thought otherwise. I sipped away the soda foam, thankful that we had adverted a potential disaster for both me and the computer's keyboard. Much to my surprise, I found that the can was still foaming. On two more occasions I sipped away the excess foaminess expecting the endless (yet, extremely slow) flow to eventually subside. As the clock ticked on, the can continued to foam over at the top in a strange and eerie fashion. I finally resorted to the age old trick of placing your finger in the soda. The bubbles quickly dispersed, but once my finger was removed, the entourage began again.

Finally, out of great concern for my own safety, I poured the liquid concoction into a plastic cup so that I might better examine it. Upon close examination there were swirls of rainbows within the liquid much like you would see in a spot of oil poured upon the ground. This I could easily have overlooked, after all, I did stick my fingers in the liquid and surely they were oily.

However, as I watched the endless flow of fizzling bubbles on the surface of the soda, it became clear to me that they were moving in oddly straight lines. There was no randomness to the bubbles. They swirled around in connected lines of chaos like some strange ballet.

At this point in the discussion, I must admit that I was concerned that I may be hallucinating. Therefore I called over a co-worker who verified that while I may be clinically insane, I was NOT hallucinating. There was definitely something very wrong with my soda.

So, for the personal safety of all of us involved, I chose to trash my fifty cent can of soda. It was a tragedy, but one I was willing to make after what I had witnessed. Please, be wary of all suspicious soda cans that spit fuzzy bubbles for no apparent reason.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Today Smooth Legs; Tommorow the World!

Yes! I shaved my legs today! Okay, so I semi-shaved my legs in a way that only a pregnant woman can appreciate. I hearby swear by the Schick Quatro which allowed me to clumsily go over areas (even though I couldn't see them) without obtaining a single nick. Daddy Dearest thinks the fact that I accomplished this is the most hilarious thing in the world. Imagine how funny he'd think it was if he'd actually been present to observe this miraculous act of manuevering.

My next goal will be to paint my toenails. Of course, if Daddy was really sweet he'd do it for me. However, considering the fact that the man nearly projectile vomits at the smell of fingernail polish, I highly doubt that will be a reality. I am determined, nonetheless, to have painted toenails in the near future. Even if I have to pay the neighbor ladies 9-year-old to do it!


Since my brain is currently running on "flat-line" (exhausted from my bath) this just seems like a good thing to do to pass the time between now and bedtime.

  1. What time did you get up this morning? Noon... only because the tennisball sized knot in my back insisted that there was no way it would allow me to sleep one minute longer.

  2. Diamonds or Pearls? In a heartbeat... DIAMONDS! The next guy who asks me my ring size will get a resounding "one carat or larger!"

  3. What was the last movie you saw at the cinema? Epic Movie, and I must say it was quite romantic. Not the movie, but the fact that we had the entire theater to ourselves on Valentine's Day. At one point I kicked my feet up and stretched out across three seats. What more could a pregnant woman want?

  4. What's your favorite TV show? Hands down it's "House". Hugh Laurie is captivatingly hilarious and sarcastic.

  5. What did you eat for breakfast? Spaghetti O's... hey, it was noon & I'm pregnant... anything goes!

  6. What foods do you dislike? lima beans, sushi, blue cheese dressing

  7. Your favorite potato chip? Sunchips

  8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I don't usually listen to CD's (all my music is on the PC) but today I dug out a burned Avril Lavigne CD just so I could blare it on the surround sound and piss the neighbors off (that's what happens when you turn your music up loud enough to wake the pregnant chick from her much need afternoon nap!)

  9. What kind of car do you drive? A red 1991 Oldsomobile Eighty-eight that Grandpa bought for the baby (it's on loan to me until she gets her own license)

  10. Favorite sandwich? Salami and cheese on whole wheat bread

  11. What characteristics do you despise? arogance, self-pity, laziness, and dishonesty

  12. What are your favorite clothes? lately it happens to be anything that doesn't make me look like a hippo in a shower curtain... but usually it's just jeans and a t-shirt. I am however, known to dress up for no particular reason (a girl just needs to feel pretty sometimes!)

  13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Italy... I've fallen in love with it ever since I watched some romantic drama about a divorced woman who buys a house in Tuscany (the name of the movie has slipped my mind at the moment, but I shall feel no shame!)

  14. What color is your bathroom? cream with Poker decor (yes, Daddy dearest got to decorate the bathroom)

  15. Favorite brand of clothing? Are you kidding me? Everything I wear these days says "mommy", "expecting", or "soon to be" on the tags! When I'm not in a state of "knocked-upness" I tend to buy whatever is cheap and cute!

  16. Favorite time of day? Evenings - I'm more likely to stay up too late than wake up early.

  17. Where would you want to retire to? A nice farm in the middle of nowhere where the nearest neighbor is a mile or more away.

  18. Favorite sport to watch? not really a sports fan, but I've been known to catch a NASCAR race here and there, I enjoy watching the bull riding from time to time, and I can vaguely recall a heated match of soccor that caught my attention as I channel surfed.

  19. Coke or Pepsi? I'm a coke girl! Even better if you can spice it up with my good friend Captain Morgan.

  20. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Pretty sure I addressed this in #16... I don't even think I qualify as a human being before 11 am.

  21. Any new or exciting news that you'd like to share? Why yes, thanks for asking... I managed to shave my legs this evening and I must say, "That is quite an accomplishment for someone in my current state!"

  22. What did you want to be when you were little? I wanted to be a veterinarian until I was a Junior in high school. Then I decided that I liked animals a hell of a lot more than I liked most people and I would be totally devistated if I had to watch one suffer and know there was nothing I could do to help them. So then I decided to be a psychologist in the hopes that I would figure out why I am so "messed up" in the head. Now days, I have decided that all I really want to be is happy and a good Mom. Someday, I'll decide what I want to do when I grow up, in the mean time, I'm pretty satisfied with who I am.

  23. What is your best childhood memory? Working cattle with Dad. "Serious moments" with Mom. Hanging out with my best friend or my favorite cousin. And an awesome trip to Chicago (16 and unsupervised!)

  24. Nicknames? Curtain Climber, Bubba, Kiddo, Punky, K-Ore, and the everlasting "Willie"

  25. Piercings? Just my ears. Though my mother suggested a while back that my bellybutton would look cute pierced (thank goodness I never listen to her or else I'd have a basketball with a tow hitch right now!)

  26. Eye color? bluish grey with a strange yellowish color in the middle.

  27. Favorite day of the week? Saturday... the work week is behind me and there's still a little weekend to spare.

  28. Favorite resteraunt? locally it's Carlos O'Kelleys because I'm a sucker for good Mexican food... but Kansas City has a Margaritas which is like HEAVEN!! Of course I'm always up for a good steak-house too.

  29. Favorite ice-cream? Usually I prefer sherbert because it is much kinder to my stomach, however, I have a terrible weakness for Ben & Jerry's Half Baked. Cookie dough & brownie bites in chocolate icecream... GENIUS!

  30. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Don't have a credit card, would not really be too keen on maxing it out if I did... however, I wouldn't mind maxing out a stranger's credit card in Hobby Lobby, Best Buy, or T.J.Max

  31. Bedtime? Whenever my bladder, my legs, my head, and the baby can all come to agreement that it is time to let Mommy sleep. Unfortunately, that usually ends up being about midnight or 1 am.

  32. What are you listening to right now? The aquarium beside the desk, the fan in the bedroom, and the various voices fighting for control of my brain!

  33. How many tattoos do you have? None... I really want one though. Something tasteful and easily covered. Problem being is that now that I'm grown and can afford it, I'm affraid my pain tolerance might not be what it used to be. I've considered getting one right after this little girl arrives. Certainly a tattoo has to pale in comparison to giving birth.

  34. Next film you'll see? There's a whole slew of them I'd like to see, but we rarely make it out to the theater these days. Since we tend to opt for horror or comedies, I'd have to guess either "The Messengers" if we go out in the near future... or "Reno 911" which looks stupidly hilarious.

  35. Tag anyone. okay, Anyone is free to consider themselves tagged so long as they leave me a comment so I know they were here!

Oh the Joys?

What I have learned today:

1) Even if you want to, the likelyhood of being able to sleep eight hours straight is slim to none at this point in a pregnancy. If you aren't getting up to relieve your bladder, a baby is reenacting "Karate Kid" on your inner organs. And as soon as everything gets settled back into its proper locations, you will discover that you are no longer comfortable in the position you have chosen. By the time you get to the eight hour mark, you cannot find a comfortable position to save your life because no matter which way you twist your enormous figure, you feel as if you are sleeping with a tennis ball taped to your back and a baskbetball taped to your stomach.

2) How you feel during your pregnancy, is probably very similar to how you will feel when you are ninety. Much like a ninety-year-old woman, I must get out of a seated position in a very slow manner (sometimes requiring assistance), I find that naps have become my new best friend (noon naps, afternoon naps, evening naps), and I have discovered that you can hurt in places that you never imagined existed.

3) Larger breasts are not all they are cracked up to be. I find myself situating my chair so that my chest can rest on the desk while I type. Reaching my back to scratch, apply lotion, or wash, involves moving one side of my chest or another out of the way. That is not to mention the task of holstering these two things so they don't give me a black eye during daily activities.

4) A warm bath, while soothing and inviting, also doubles as a torture device and aerobic workout. I imagine it would be very similar to trying to fit a full grown hippopotomus into a thrity gallon aquarium. I find myself extremely thankful that our apartment is handicap accesible and that our bathroom is fully equipped with "hoist your fat ass out of the tub" bars. Just leaning forward to reheat the water involves moving several protruding body parts out of the way and mastering an advanced level yoga position. Wetting, washing, rinsing, conditioning and re-rinsing your hair burns enough calories to compensate for the extra large chocolate shake you had for lunch. And lets not even get into how hard it is to wash various areas (like your back).

I could go on and on about the discomforts of pregnancy and the neverending list of things I can no longer do productively, however, having just burned about 1500 calories bathing myself and hoisting my enormous figure from the porceline hell, I simply do not have the energy to type anymore.

Condoms for Everyone

So my recent rant on how condoms should be given away free with practically every transaction has inspired my family members. They have decided to start buying little Ellie condoms for every occasion (including her baby shower).

While I'm not totally against this, I must say that it's a shame to know that all those condoms will expire before our daughter gets the opportunity to use them (especially since we're seriously considering locking her away & convincing her that all the boys died in a horrific plane crash!)

Therefore, I'll be more than happy to donate all of Ellie's unused condoms to anyone who feels they need a little added protection.

I recommend always using a condom when you visit your auto mechanic, local county treasure, voting booth, or car dealership. You know that eventually these visits will result in you getting screwed, so it's just smart to carry a condom with you.

Also, it couldn't hurt to wrap a few condoms around your computer. With all the viruses going around these days, it's just better to be safe than sorry.

One last thought, if you happen to be a woman, living within a one hundred mile radius of my biological father, please carry several condoms with you and considering taking birth control pills because it is quite obvious that all he has to do is look at a woman and she's knocked up.

Please let me know if you need any addition protection or advice.

Random Conversations

Daddy: Night Mrs. Cold Ass
Me: Mrs. what?
Daddy: Cold Ass
Me: Why?
Daddy: Because your butt cheek is cold
Me: Yours is warm? No fair!
Daddy: Well maybe if you wore clothes, your ass wouldn't be so cold!
*looks at him funny*
Daddy: And maybe if your underwear covered your cheeks they wouldn't be so cold!
*shrugs and rolls over*
Daddy: Goodnight dear
Me: Nighty nite

Daddy: Show Travis how big your belly is.
*stands up to be presented like a prize hog*
Travis: Damn! That's awesome!
Daddy: *rubs belly* Yeah!
*returns to chair*
Daddy: This month she's supposed to get really fat!
Travis: It's not fat! You asshole!
Daddy: Well, actually...
Me: In his defense, it's fat. No way we're having a twenty pound baby!
Travis: yeah, but there's water and all that
*I have a feeling that Daddy's friend is trying to get him in trouble*

That was pretty much the extent of my humor today... it's been a dull day... no one really managed to make me laugh and frankly that is sad since it's so very easy to do.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Proof that the system is flawed

Okay, first let me state a few things:

1) I fully support your right to worship whichever make-believe man in the sky suits your fancy.
2) If you don't believe there is a make-believe man in the sky, I fully support that as well.
3) If your make-believe man in the sky is actually a woman in a tree or an alien in outer space, I'm okay with that too.
4) Please do not tell me that my make-believe man in the sky is not real because I'm quite happy with my own delusions.
5) This really has very little to do with the various make-believe men/women/aliens in the sky/trees/outer space.

What this does have something to do with is the U.S. Government.

We are all aware of the fact that our politicians are lying to us. I'm okay with the politicians lying because they all do it and we know they do it. I've gotten to where it's kind of cute. Like the little kid who gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar and responds, "I was getting it for YOU!" Yeah, it's a lie, but those cute squishy cheeks and that innocent smile get me every time. I feel that way about politicians.

However, there is one major lie that just burns me to no end: the separation of church and state.

It doesn't EXIST!!

So we end up with legal battles over whether the 10 commandments can stand on display in the courthouse lawn, or whether we can sing Christmas songs in public schools or say the Pledge of Allegiance with the word "God" in it.

(My personal opinions: If you don't believe in the 10 commandments, don't read them; if you are against Christmas, don't participate; and if you don't like the word "God", don't say it.)

Unfortunately, in a country that insists on claiming that church and state need to remain separate entities, these are inevitable battles that will be fought in an effort to achieve that goal.

What baffles me then, is why there is so much "hoopla" over other political issues.

Example #1 - Gay marriage

I personally have no problem with homosexuals who wish to marry. At this point in my life I can honestly say that I see no reason why anyone would want to get married, but it seems to be the trendy thing to do. Why shouldn't we allow homosexuals to be as miserable as the rest of us?

So here is where I get confused. The biggest argument against gay marriage comes from the religious sects. Okay, so we have separation of church and state. Problem easily solved. If you have to use the words "God", "religion", "Bible", or "sin" to defend your argument in the Supreme Court... YOU LOSE!! Hello gay marriage! (or union or partnership or whatever else you'd like to call it to keep from offending your fragile religious sensibilities)

Please, as far as I see it, "straight" marriages aren't fairing out to well, so maybe we should let someone else have a go. Maybe they know something we don't!

Example #2 - Evolution vs. Creationism in Public Schools

Regardless of whether you believe in evolution or not, it is a major issue in the scientific community. So the way I see it is pretty simple. There are a few solutions to this problem:

1) Do away with evolution. In which case, there is no Charles Darwin, no dinosaurs, no Galapagos Islands, no Big Bang, no species evolution, and no hope for human advancement in many genetic and otherwise useful studies.

2) Do away with creationism. This is not likely to happen, but perhaps we could come to some understanding that the two could possibly co-exist. I don’t know, maybe the make-believe man in the sky has a greater plan that humans could ever imagine and he didn't tell us everything WORD FOR WORD! Maybe when he said that the world was created in seven days he meant it figuratively. Perhaps, he has a different perspective on what a day is. And maybe, just maybe, he left some gaps and holes in his story just to see if we were smart enough to fill them in or whether we'd just follow around like a bunch of blind rats.

3) Teach them both. This is by far the most complicated and least desirable solution for everyone involved. Honestly, lets think about this. I want my daughter to learn about evolution and you want your daughter to learn about creationism, and the parent's down the street are Native American and they want their kid to learn about the Spirit of Nature, and John Travolta wants his kid to learn about aliens, and the Satanistic couple three blocks down wants there kid to learn something totally different that none of us can even imagine. This simply opens the door for a crazy and ludicrous snowball effect that will have all of our kids so messed up that they’d be walking around with tin foil hats and straws hanging out their ears.

4) Do away with the State standards, which require our children to complete three years of high school Science before graduation and instead make all Science courses electives. This happens to be my favorite because regardless, I would require my child to take science courses anyway. Thus she would have the opportunity to go on and make BIG BUCKS in fields of study that your child doesn't even know exist.

5) Leave Science in the classroom and Religion at HOME! This just seems like the most logical choice to me. Honestly, parents are supposed to be the best teachers anyway! If my child comes home and tells me that the Science teacher taught her that we may have come from monkeys, I won't have a problem with it. If you have a problem with it, there is a simple solution. Sit your child down and explain to him/her that some people do believe that humans come from monkeys, but that feel they are wrong. This is not something that you can "shelter" your child from (unless of course you intent on following them around for the rest of their lives and curse profanities at anyone who might breach the subject to your 40-year-old son).

Of course if we return to the topic of this debate, which is the separation of church and state, then there is nothing to argue about now is there. Public Schools are run by the STATE! Referring back to my four "catch words" previously mentioned, if you have to use "God", "religion", "Bible", or "sin" to defend your case, it has no business in a school. Problem solved! Evolution can be taught without the teacher bringing up any of these words therefore evolution is IN and creationism (and all other religious "Where we came from" stories) are OUT!

Example #3 - Sex Ed

This is my HOT TOPIC (I like that store) of the day. Sitting down with a female student to help her with her Health homework a few weeks ago, I discovered a very shocking thing. This 14-year-old girl was completely oblivious to what HIV, AIDS and other STDs were! I was in total shock! Yes, you might argue that she should have paid better attention in her health class, but at the same time it was very disturbing to me that no one had bothered to have "The Talk" with this teenage girl (who just happens to be dating an older boy in school). I provided the bare minimum needed to complete the assignment (let me note that I am not the Health teacher and this is not my forte, therefore not the subject I wanted to discuss in too much detail for fear of over-stepping my bounds). Afterwards, a phone call was made to the family explaining that they might want to discuss the matter in more detail with the girl at home. The whole point of this story boils down to the fact that it should not be the job of the school to have the "birds and bees" discussion. However, since it seems that some parents are not having these talks at home, the weight of it does fall into the school's lap. As a matter of public health and safety, I think it is very important that teenagers are educated in these matters.

So where is the controversy? Whether or not condoms should be available to children in high school restrooms! And here I must voice my opinions loud and clear. MOST DEFINATELY!!! As a matter of fact, I think that condoms should be placed on every street corner in a "Free to take" bucket. I think that condoms should be taped to ever bottle of beer sold. I think that condoms should come with every McDonald's extra value meal! Get your oil changed? Here's your free condom! Buy a pair of shoes? Bonus, free condom! I think that police officers should check your driver's license, registration, and whether or not you are carrying a condom whenever they pull you over. Anytime you enter a bar, they should check your ID and your condom! Get the picture?

Do I think that giving away condoms will make more people have sex? NO! I think people who want to have sex have sex and people who don't, well they DON'T! The only reason that condoms are a big deal is because we as the public make them a big deal. If there were condoms everywhere you looked, you wouldn't think anything about them. The only concern I have about mass supplying free condoms is the fact that blown up condoms would be found in random (and probably hilarious) places for some time after the initial integration.

Let me point out that I hope and I pray that my daughter waits until she reaches a mature age before she even thinks about having sex. However, do not for a minute think that I’m delusional enough to believe that teenagers aren't having sex and won't continue to do so. If my daughter is going to someday have sex (providing we don't lock her in a bomb shelter and convince her that there is no such thing as boys and Daddy is the last one) I want to know that no matter where she is, she is protected. I guarantee you that the instant I believe she might be interested in such matters there will be a discussion about using protection and birth control. And I fully intend to make certain that both are available to her without having to jump through hoops to get them.

So my last thought for the evening (at least on this matter) is simple. If you take religion out of the debate, there is no reason why you couldn't put condoms EVERYWHERE!