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Sunday, February 18, 2007

Oh the Joys?

What I have learned today:

1) Even if you want to, the likelyhood of being able to sleep eight hours straight is slim to none at this point in a pregnancy. If you aren't getting up to relieve your bladder, a baby is reenacting "Karate Kid" on your inner organs. And as soon as everything gets settled back into its proper locations, you will discover that you are no longer comfortable in the position you have chosen. By the time you get to the eight hour mark, you cannot find a comfortable position to save your life because no matter which way you twist your enormous figure, you feel as if you are sleeping with a tennis ball taped to your back and a baskbetball taped to your stomach.

2) How you feel during your pregnancy, is probably very similar to how you will feel when you are ninety. Much like a ninety-year-old woman, I must get out of a seated position in a very slow manner (sometimes requiring assistance), I find that naps have become my new best friend (noon naps, afternoon naps, evening naps), and I have discovered that you can hurt in places that you never imagined existed.

3) Larger breasts are not all they are cracked up to be. I find myself situating my chair so that my chest can rest on the desk while I type. Reaching my back to scratch, apply lotion, or wash, involves moving one side of my chest or another out of the way. That is not to mention the task of holstering these two things so they don't give me a black eye during daily activities.

4) A warm bath, while soothing and inviting, also doubles as a torture device and aerobic workout. I imagine it would be very similar to trying to fit a full grown hippopotomus into a thrity gallon aquarium. I find myself extremely thankful that our apartment is handicap accesible and that our bathroom is fully equipped with "hoist your fat ass out of the tub" bars. Just leaning forward to reheat the water involves moving several protruding body parts out of the way and mastering an advanced level yoga position. Wetting, washing, rinsing, conditioning and re-rinsing your hair burns enough calories to compensate for the extra large chocolate shake you had for lunch. And lets not even get into how hard it is to wash various areas (like your back).

I could go on and on about the discomforts of pregnancy and the neverending list of things I can no longer do productively, however, having just burned about 1500 calories bathing myself and hoisting my enormous figure from the porceline hell, I simply do not have the energy to type anymore.

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