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And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Animal Control

Living in a small rural community definately has it's drawbacks. Living 20 miles from the nearest grocery store definately requires you to do some planning and juggle some schedules. You can't just make a quick run to pay your bills or pick up something you might have forgotten. However, these things are the price that we pay for the knowledge that we can walk down the street without being shot at and the pleasure of not hearing 15,000 cars pass by our house each day (though I think the fort shooting off their howitzers sort of limits that pleasure).

However, there is one drawback that I never expected.

We do not have any form of animal control!

Stray animals are an issues in nearly every area. There is simply no way to avoid it. There will always be those people who simply are not fit to care for their pets. There will always be those animals that have escaped from their owners or are abandoned.

So what is the humane way to deal with the matter? The logical answer would be to contact your local Animal Shelter to take the animal in. YOU'DE THINK!!

The fact of the matter is that if you live in a remote area, no one cares about these animals or the people that they are inconvienencing.

Here is the conversation that took place between a co-worker and our local Animal Shelter today:

Co-worker: "Hello, I have a stray dog that I need to find a place for."
Staff: "Where are you?"
Co-worker: "Bum Fuck Kansas"*
Staff: "Well, you need to contact your local animal control officer."
Co-worker: "We don't have an animal control officer, I was told to contact you."
Staff: "Let me see. You need to contact Jill Dogcatcher."
Co-worker: "She no longer works for animal control."
Staff: "Please hold."
...
...
...
Staff: "It appears that Bum Fuck Kansas has not signed a contract with us, therefore we no longer service your community."
Co-worker: "So what am I supposed to do with this dog?"
Staff: "Well, you can bring it in to the shelter, but we charge $80 to take in an animal."
Co-worker: "You're telling me I have to pay $80 to dispose of a stray dog! Why would I do that?"
Staff: "Well, you are not in our service area so we do will not come get the dog."
Co-worker: "Right. But you're telling me if I bring the dog in to you, you're going to charge me $80! What if I run the dog to the city limits with my gun? Then call you to come get him?"
Staff: "WHAT!!"
Co-worker: "Well, that's the option you're leaving me. I'm not paying you $80 to take in a dog that isn't even mine! That's stupid!"
Staff: "Well... um... uh..."
Co-worker: "Basically you're telling me that instead of doing the right thing by bringing this animal in for shelter, I'd just be better off to chase it into town or leave it to starve."
Staff: "Well, no. If you bring the animal after business hours, you can leave it in the drop box for free."
Co-worker: "But if I bring it to you during business hours you're going to charge me $80."
Staff: "Have you tried calling your local police?"
Co-worker: "We don't have 'local' police. We are serviced by the police in YOUR town."
Staff: "Well, have you tried contacting them?"
Co-worker: "Yes, they said I should contact you!"
Staff: "Well, I'm sorry. You're more than welcome to bring the animal in."
Co-worker: "If I bring you $80!! A bullet would be cheaper!!"
*click*
If this isn't the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life!!
I realize that caring for stray animals has its expenses, however, this shelter is partnered with the humane society which recieves donations for such expenses. On top of that, the animal shelter charges adoption fees for animals in order to compensate them for the care of the animals.
Can a police officer transport the animal? No! Not unless it is a dangerous animal. Why? Because the animal shelter may bill the police department the $80 fee for the animal! While you might think, "So what, the police department pay it!" I can't help but think how much $80 per stray might add up to. On top of the time the officers would be wasting transporting stray animals, I certainly would rather the money was spent on catching criminals and keeping my neighborhood safe.
So what can you do about these abandoned and neglected animals?
  1. Well, if you are wealthy enough to have a spare $80 laying around, you could pay the shelter the $80 to take the animal in. But since $80 goes a long way in my household (formula for a month, diapers for a month, clothes, groceries, toys, etc.) that is not an option. I imagine that is not an option for most of the people who live around here.
  2. So, your second option is to pack the dog up in the evening and drop it in their "drop box" (WTF?) for free. However, most people have families to tend to in the evenings and work the next day. So driving 40 miles round trip to find a safe home for a stray is not likely.
  3. You could always adopt the dog into your own family. Of course there won't be any agencies bailing you out when you can't afford vet bills, shots, toys, dog food, etc. And when you excede the limits of any city ordinances, you'll be facing fines and more hassel than you could imagine.
  4. I wonder what the shelter would do if you drove the animal into town and kicked it out of your car in their parking lot. Then you could call there number and say, "Do you realize you have a stray dog roaming around in your parking lot?" What are they going to do?
  5. I guess it would be just as easy to drive the animal into any other part of town and release it. You could either call the shelter or hell, leave it for something else to deal with.
  6. You can always kick the animal to the curb and let Darwin's theory take effect. I'm sure the Humane Society highly supports the idea that all these pets will be left on the streets to starve to death.
  7. That being said, I'm certain that the Humane Society would definately NOT approve of my final and most EFFECTIVE method. The cheapest solution is to pack the dog up in your car, drive 2 miles out of town to the country and spend 50 cents to put a bullet in the animal's head!! Personally, I find that much more humane than allowing the animal to starve to death. It also prevents further annoyances and the possibility that the animal may become sick and/or endanger local residents. It saves gasoline by reducing the drive, and as a result also benefits the environment by reducing the greenhouse gases your car would have emitted driving the dog into town. In addition, it will leave an opening for another needy animal in the shelter and the $80 you save will lessen the strain on the economy because the money can be spent supporting your family, making a larger payment on your mortgage, donating to another needy cause, or saving for your child's college fund! This seems like the all around best solution in this particular scenerio.
As an animal lover, I certainly do not promote the idea of randomly shooting all stray animals. However, when local organizations make it difficult to do what is best for these animals, I see no better alternative. Far better to put the animal down mercifully than to see it injured by a vehicle, or struggling to survive on it's own!!



You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.

Monday, March 31, 2008

There Once Was an Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe

SHE HAD SO MANY CATS - She didn't know what to do!!




I need to tell you about my mother. My mother is an animal person. There has not been a moment in her life when there wasn't at least one animal in her home. For most of my adult life, my parents have had two dogs and a house cat. That's it. Three pet maximum. No way we were going to have more.


However, as the years progress, the cattle herd is getting smaller and smaller. The number of farm cats is increasing at a rapid rate! One of two things is happening:

1) Longhorn cows ate carnivores who eat farm cats and without cows, the cat population is booming


OR

2) My mother has found her true calling as a cat herder!!




The funny thing is, we can all remember, not too long ago, when there was only ONE outside cat.


She showed up on my mother's porch, fat and miserable one day. Three days later she dropped a litter of 6 kittens on my mother's porch. Mom picked them up, loved them, cared for them.


My mother is a very loving person (to animals) and she was diligent about making sure that these little kittens were protected from the elements.


She provided them with a safe place to escape the common dangers that outdoor cats face when they live on a farm.


And with her care and protection, they learned all they needed to know about living on a farm and defending themselves.


The thing about farm cats is that you never really know what they are doing behind your back! I mean, sure, you hope that they are doing something contructive with their time away from you and you hope that they are learning all that they can in this big wide world. You have dreams of them going on to higher education and makin something of themselves.


But the sad truth is that many young cats are lost along the way. As for my mother's young prodigy kittens, they weren't the brightest crayons in the box. They were habitually getting up trees that they couldn't get down out of. My mother, caring more for her kittens than her own self-image, hung sleeping bags, blankets and ladders in the trees so that her kittens could get back down safely. No, these creatures showed no promise of ending up in an Ivy League college! Instead, the four females tried their hand at bikini modeling.


While these young ladies were off trying to make a name for themselves, Mama Grey returned home and to noone's suprise, she was wide as a house! Determined that Mama Grey would not be dropping this litter on her front porch, my mother put her in the milkhouse. Soon afterwards, Mama grey gave birth to five beautiful baby girls. My mother helped to keep these kittens safe and secure until they were weaned. Once again, the moment that big day came, Mama Grey up and disappeared again.


About a week later, three major events happened that may change the course of the world as we know it. First, the original four female cats returned. Now these porn queens were all grown up and with their careers on the fritz they were forced to come home with nothing but the fur on their backs. What a suprise, all four females were walking four-legged watermelons!! Secondly, Mama Grey also returned with her own fantastic watermelon belly! The final life-changing event was that the youngest five female cats all came of age!!


You got it! My mother now has the original Mama Grey and her first four female all knocked up and about to pop. Along with five younger females which will no doubt be knocked up since they don't seem to have any moral delima about inviting every boy cat in the county over for their drunken parties!


Fortunately, like any protective mother, my Mom is all about instilling higher standards in the girls. Of course, these young ladies don't always listen to mother so Mom has no choice but to instill her good values upon the seven Tom cats that decided to move in. So how exactly do you reason with a horny male cat? The same way you reason with a horny male teenager! She uses a gun!


Slowly the Tom's started to get the message! "If you're going to mess with Mom's girls, you better find a way to get them out of the house because Mama's got a GUN!"


Okay, so the first one didn't seem to understand the message.

*BAM!!*

and there were

SIX!!


In the middle one dark night, Mom caught one of the boys with her girls.

*BAM!!*

and there were

FIVE!!


One of those boys was a nasty, disease carrying, ugly fucker!

*BAM!*

and there were

FOUR!!

Cat in a Lime Helmet

One of them was just a really wierd fucker that kept trying to hump the turkeys.

*BAM!*

and there were

THREE!!


One of them got smart, gave up and went to find an easier piece of ass down the road.


Of the TWO remaining, one was a beautiful solid black (as Mom says "scary voodoo black") Tom cat. And the other was the half brother to all of these sluts!


Since Mom was in no mood to deal with any six-legged, four-eyed hermophrodite freaks of nature, she decided that Little Boy needed to take a trip down the road. She had high hopes that if she could just get him away from these mind-numbing whores, he'd be able to go out and make something of himself. Perhaps, after all her hard work, there might just be hope for one of them!! She takes him down the road in the truck. They drive all the way to the highway. She wishes him well and leaves him some change for a cab.


That night, she goes to the barn to check on things and out of the darkness steps

.

.

.

.

.

LITTLE BOY!!

*Bam!*

And then there was

ONE!


So there you have it folks. This week, Mom has the cat population weaned down to 10 females and a nice looking Tom. Of course, I'm not sure the Tom will have a whole lot to keep him occupied since half of the females are ready to pop any day!!


By the time all these girls get done with this "round" of kittens, the farm will officially have a higher population than the nearest town!


Even the cats are going to start freaking out. They'll be tripping on acid and wondering why little blue cats are eating all of the puppy chow!!


Sooner or later, Mom will have to start training some of the cats to do her dirty work for her. The cost of weapons and ammo alone should be enough to file for bankruptsy.

Lee Harvey Catwald

At this point I'll be unable to visit her because the cats will have watch towers alongside the cattle guard. Each person coming and going will be strip searched to assure that thy are not smuggling cats in. Violators will be shot on sight!



So the next time you visit, BEWARE!! There may be 5 cats or there may be 500 cats. If we could just find a market for hairballs and dirty litter droppings she might be able to afford her cat-food.


Personally, I could solve all of my Mom's feline problems.

She's just got to find that one special kitty that doesn't take shit from the other kitties!!


SPAY & NEUTER YOUR PETS!!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

(or shoot them)

.

.

.

.

.

.

before they become

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

ZOMBIE KITTIES!!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

My Love Affair With a Store

That's right. Fuck WAL-MART! To hell with TARGET!!
Once again I have found all my desires wrapped up in five letters . . .
As many of you know I'm in love with this store. I always find wonderful deals here. My $8.05 shopping spree last October landed me $127.95 in clothing!.
The deals continued in November when I purchased a $200 12-piece King-size comforter set for the sale price of $99 - 10% coupon = $90 - $15 off in-store offer = $75 + $7.23 Tax.
That's right! I paid $82.23 for a beautiful bedding set!
So... what were the fabulous ball-breaking deals today?
Item #1: Red Denim Jeans
Bull Denim Belted Jean
Original Price: $38
Clearance Price: $22.99
Double Clearance Price: $5.74
These just happen to be the most expensive item I purchased today!!
Item #2 & 3: Belted Twill Pants for Mom
Belted Twill Pant
Original Price: $30.00
Clearance Price: $17.99
Double Clearance Price: $4.49
Such a good deal, I got her a second pair in grey.
Core Black
Item #4: Black Jeans w/ Belt
Kiefer Twill Trouser
Original Price: $30.00
Clearance Price: Unknown
Double Clearance Price: $3.74
Item #5: Apostrophe Brown Tee
Short Sleeve Pointelle Tee
Original Price: $22.00
Clearance Price: $6.59
Double Clearance Price: $2.63
Item #6: Brown Hoodie with Snaps
Henley with Hood and Heart Print
Original Price: $30.00
Clearance Price: $11.99
Double Clearance Price: $2.99
Item #7: Printed Chiffon Blouse
(Brown w/ Pink Dots)
Printed Chiffon Yoryu Blouse
Original Price: $28.00
Clearance Price: $19.99
Double Clearance Price: $4.99
And last but not least...
Item #8: Short Sleeve Blouse w/ Belt
(Mustard Striped)
Short Sleeve Blouse with Belt
Original Price: $28.00
Clearance Price: $16.99
Double Clearance Price: $1.74
That's right! Eat your penny-pinching hearts out! $1.74 for a blouse. That's Good Will and Garage Sale prices!! It's unheard of in a department store!
So the final figures stand as follows:
Origina value of clothing: $236.00
Clearance value of clothing: About $132.00 (Price of black jeans unknown)
Amount actually paid: $30.81 + tax
That's right, for $33 I bought 4 pairs of name brand jeans with coordinating belts, 1 t-shirt, 2 blouses and a hoodie!!!
WOOT WOOT!!!
But just in case you're feeling sorry for Sears for the money they clearly lost on my shopping spree, let me assure you that I dropped a pretty penny into some new tires. Were they the cheapest in town? No. They were about $5 more expensive than WAL-MART. However, nowhere else in town could I save that much money on clothes and get two tires put on my car in 30 minutes!! It was well worth the extra five bucks!!
If you're dying to get in on these awesome savings, check out the Sears website. They have a lot of these clearance items online with free delivery to your store (availability limited). A little free advertising is the least I can do for the amount I saved!