Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Yes, I'm Alive

Yes, it's true. All is well here in OZ... unfortunately I haven't hadmuch time to keep you all informed of the news and updates. A little girl with an ear infection has been taking most of my time. Yes, Daddy has been doing his fair share, but when I've had a free moment, I've been socializing with my neighbors or catching up on some much needed sleep.

First things first. Since we all know you'd rather see more pictures of Ellie than read my ramblings. NEW PICS are now on Ellie's site. Some of them are from clear back in June. I posted them today with dates and later I'll go back and put them in June where they belong. The newest ones were taken today. She's been very cooperative this evening so I thought I'd snap some quick pics since Daddy had her dressed in my favorite onsie. So go get your BABY FIX!

Though these aren't nearly as good as my Mom's storm pics, this was the freaky storm that came through on July 12th. All was quiet and then suddenly the wind came up and BOOM! It was moving too quick to really do much (crossed the county in 30 minutes!) but there was some cool dipping and twisting in the clouds.

And for those of you who desperately need humor in your lives, here's my neighbor's 16-month-old daughter proving that NOT EVERYTHING IN KANSAS IS FLAT!!
Yes, we're just a bunch of Midwestern Misfits!! We're true Americans...
WHITE trash,
BLUE collar!!!

Yes, I

Sunday, July 22, 2007


Someone please explain this too me...

If you read the previous post you know that Mrs. C is with a real asshole. I realize that assholism is usually an inheritted problem. And yet, it never ceases to amaze me when one asshole reveals his backwoods-asshole-roots.

So the other night in the middle of all this hoopla, Grandma C showed up in a hissy fit demanding that she have her Grandchild, blah blah blah. When she's storming around in a fit while one of the women calls the police I try to explain that we're just making sure Neighbor B's butt is covered because Grandparent's don't have custodial rights. At this point Grandma C gets pissy with me asking what custodial rights I have!! ("Lady, I'm not claiming to have rights to your grandkid, I'm just trying to make sure everyone is doing right by that little girl asleep at my neighbors!... grrr... I hate people!)

So yes, they had to give the kid to her, they had to sit back and let this all happen knowing that Mrs. C would be out of jail in 1 hour to come get her kid. There is this huge stink, Grandma C is bitchy, Mr. C is bitchy, all the C's have clearly forgotten to take their assholism mediations. Grandma C threatens other Grandma with legal actions and lawyers, etc.

Now, keep in mind that this all took place at precisely 5:00 AM. About 5 hours later, they must have decided they'd had enough because Grandma C delivered the baby to Mrs. C at about 10:00 AM before she dropped her son off at his apartment at 11! Guess they didn't really want the kid as bad as they thought. Or maybe Mr. C couldn't be bothered with his kid over the weekend (Mrs. C has to take her to day-care while she works, even though Mr. C doesn't have a job!) Or maybe, Grandma C took her son in for a drug test like she promised only to find out that Mrs. C was telling the truth!! That of course is unlikely, but my favorite explanation.

I don't really know anything other than the fact that assholism is clearly genetic and obviously the only reason that the C family wanted the baby last night was to hurt Mrs. C!


P.S. -- "Mr. C, you probably shouldn't be calling all the guys here PUSSIES for not fighting with you. YOU turned your girlfriend in because she SLAPPED you!! I think that makes it VERY CLEAR who the real PUSSY is!!"

P.S.S. -- "Great, now all the psychos are going to be on my site looking to slap some pussy! Sorry to disappoint!"

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Be careful what you wish for...

We have hereby concluded that living here is the best cure for boredom. If you are totally lacking in your fair share of DRAMA and feel that life has you trapped in an excitement-free-rut... please, come join us at our housing facility.

Last night's events involved the following:

Police visit #1 - Neighbor A gets a phone call from her ex-husband and BIL threatening to come over and start shit with her current boyfriend because he's "stepping on the ex-husband's toes". Poor J is having to defend himself & his girlfriend but he's still not getting any! Why? Well beause the cops keep interrupting...

Police visit #2 - Neighbor B is watching Neighbor C's daughter. Mr. C is supposedly hopped up on drugs & drunk, but trying to beat Mrs. C to pick up his daughter. Mrs. C slapped Mr. C for demanding $100 for crap when she's struggling to pay rent. Cops arrest Mrs. C for domestic assault and say Mr. C can pick up his daughter after noon when he sobers up.

Police call - Mr. C's mother comes to pick up grandbaby, must get clarification from police before handing the child over.

Police visit #3 - While loading up his kid in his mother's vehicle (no car seat) Mr. C threatens ever person who is standing outside. Threatens to sic his dog on people. Threatens to come back with his cousin. Police do nothing.

Police call - reporting that grandma & Mr. C are driving without carseat.

All in all... the cops did nothing about Mr. C being drunk on probation. They did nothing about the fact that he clearly drove 30 miles drunk. They did nothing to see if he was on drugs. They did not catch them without a carseat. They did not file charges for the threats made.

The only good thing is that the housing director doesn't tolerate this behavior and she is now going to handle it. And Mrs. C did not have to spend the night in jail. As of 6 am she was leaving with her parents. Sadly though, she will now have to fight to get her kid back from Mr. C.

Oh the excitement!! Come join!

Like sands through the hour glass... so are the days of our lives.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Pet Peeve of the Day

Having crawled out from under my rock, I decided to spend the day browsing the internet. Just some random browsing. And I stumbled upon my mother's local newspaper and an article published last week. MAN DOES THIS BURN MY ASS!!

Step 1: U.S. Surgeon General publishes a report on the dangers of second-hand smoke.
Step 2: Local law enforcement decides it is their duty to label smoking with a child in the vehicle as CHILD ABUSE!
Step 3: Charge all people caught smoking in a vehicle with a child with a Class 1 misdemeanor ($1,000 fine! That'll make 'em quit smoking!)
Step 4: Decide smoking in your home is child abuse!

Maybe I'm stretching things a bit. Maybe my visions of perfectly happy homes being disrupted by SWAT teams wielding automatic weapons and bullet-proof vests is going overboard. Maybe I just think that the government should mind their own fucking business and let me raise my kid!

What's next? Are they going to arrest me if I buy my kid a Happy Meal. Why not? Isn't just as dangerous to let my kid get fat? Doesn't a diet high in saturated fats clearly endanger my child's well being? What if I let them get a dog? What if it might someday bite? Isn't it dangerous to have my kid in a car at all? What if I let them play in the mud? Or eat a bug!! Or skin thier knee!! What if I don't apply Neosporin to every cut every time? What if I think it's okay for them ride a bicycle? Or climb a tree!! What if I cut my chicken and vegetables on the same cutting board? What if I let them try sushi? What if I'm okay with them playing video games? Or watching R-rated movies? Or listening to Rap!!! What if I let them ride horses? What if I let them swim in lakes? What if I let them go fishing? What if I don't make them tie their shoe laces? What if I forgot to read them Mother Gooses Nursery Rhymes every fucking night?


Yes, I realize that smoking is the parent's choice and the child has no say in it. Therefor the national dictatorship feels it necessary to force us to do what is right. In that case... lets assess all the other "ADULT" choices that affect children.

What if I never marry her father? What if I do? What if I divorce him? What if I refuse to let her see some of her family members? What if I force her to see others? What if I make her go to school? What if I make her do her homework? For that matter, what if I let her skip school one day? What if I don't make her eat her vegetables at every meal? What if I don't force her to see a therapist? What if I let her eat chocolate cake for breakfast? What if I rub whiskey on her gums when she's teething? What if I let her watch too much TV? What if I don't pick her up when she cries? Do we pass a law that makes breast-feeding mandatory because it is better for children's health?

Let me make sure I've got this straight...
...I could be drunk every night, never hold my child, never tell them I love them, force my child to grow up in some fucked up relationship that is unhealthy, feed her crappy food, let her vegitate in front of the TV, never make her take a bath, and allow her to drop out of school... but as long as these activities aren't actually "harming" her it's okay... GOD FORBID I SMOKE A CIGARETTE IN A CAR WITH HER!!

Can we say, "HAIL HITLER!!!"?

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Back to School


Multiple choice:
1. Why does my child scream bloody fucking murder?
--a. She has an ear infection
--b. She had her shots on Wednesday
--c. She doesn't know what she wants
--d. She's the spawn of Hades

2. What time have we gone to bed this week?
--a. midnight
--b. 2 am
--c. 4 am
--d. 6 am

3. What time does Ellie wake up?
--a. 8 am
--b. 10 am
--c. Noon
--d. 2 pm

4. What TV shows am I currently addicted to?
--a. General Hospital and House
--b. Big Love and Lil' Bill
--c. America's Got Talent and Cities of the Underworld
--d. all of the above

5. What do I really wish I could do?
--a. run away to Mexico
--b. get my child to sleep in her crib
--c. get drunk with the football team
--d. marry a 99-year-old multi-millionaire the day before he croaks

True or False:

__ 6. I've had time to blog but nothing to blog about.
__ 7. I've seen almost all the movies that are playing in the theater this week.
__ 8. I missed an episode of Big Love and am freaking out because I don't know what is going on with the 3rd wife or what happened after the cops busted the compound!
__ 9. I actually cooked a meal this week and it was... MEATLOAF!
__ 10. Most of my neighbors are complaining about things going on in the housing center.


Please tell me what you think my next blog should be about and why.

you can all thank Ellie's crazy Grandma for complaining... she earned the whole class homework!

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Free Moment... Shh... Don't Laugh too hard... Oh Hell... She sleeps like a rock!

FINALLY! I think this is the first time that the following events have all happened at the same time!

  1. I have two arms free.
  2. I'm not making a bottle.
  3. I'm not pacing the floor pulling out my hair.
  4. I'm not eating.
  5. I'm not smoking.
  6. I'm not sleeping.
  7. I'm not having or pondering the idea of having sex.
  8. I'm not too damn exhausted to think (let alone type).

Yes, I actually have a 100% free moment (knock on wood/paper/fiberboard/tree product) to catch up on all my loonies who I miss quite dearly. *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

It's true that I shouldn't be letting her sleep on the couch... on her stomach... during broad daylight... but you know... I just don't give a flying fuckity fart hook at this particular moment.

I hereby claim this moment as MINE!! ALL FUCKING MINE!!!

So as I strolled down the lovely streets of Blogland and the bees buzzed amongst the beautifully blooming flowers... I tripped over some frigging trash some asshole had thrown on the sidewalk... the next thing I know, I'm picking gum off the bottom of my shoe... and realize that some jackass teenager has spray painted graffiti on the side of my house!

I kicked the trash into the neighbor's yard (her's smells like ass anyway!), threw the gum on the sidewalk behind me and sprinkled powdered milk on the lawns of any house that has teenagers living in it (secretly wringing my hands and praying for rain, followed by a hot sunny day!)

Back to my lovely relaxing stroll... While I sympathize with the lonely life of Crystal, I could not help but laugh hysterically (as piss ran down my leg) because I can so relate to her circumstances. I can so picture myself standing on the front porch holding a gun, screaming at a dog, and cussing the asshole who is out fishing instead of home "protecting" his family. Then again... I'd probably have gotten myself shot by the cops for screaming "If you're bringing that worthless son-of-a-bitch home drunk, you better duck!"

Down the street a little further, I find Dawn wallowing in her petty hatred for her High School classmates. While her darling Terrance tries to talk her into "being the better person" I'm standing on the sidewalk screaming, "KICK THEIR ASSES DAWN!! TO HELL WITH THOSE BE-IOTCHES!!" Yes... it will be ten years for me soon. Do I carry a grudge with me every day? No... what a waste of time. But honestly, when you look back and think about it... don't they just PISS YOU OFF!! Yes, I have moved on and made a good life and those people hardly ever cross my mind, but like the ex you forgot about until you saw him on the street... having someone bring them back into your life just naturally digs up all the animosity you thought you had boxed away! It's not like you spend 10-20 years anxiously waiting for that reunion! Would you even notice if you never heard from them again? Then some idiot decides... "Lets get together and point and brag and relive our stupid youth because we have nothing better to do!" That's when you start feeling petty! So I'll be the one standing in the circle screaming "FIGHT FIGHT!! PULL HER HAIR OUT!!"

Further down the street, I thought about stopping in to say, "Hi" to Karla, but then I remembered it's almost eight o'clock and I'd hate to interupt her alcohol graphing. Since it wasn't too long ago that I was being tormented by my own little parasite, I thought I'd leave her alone to contemplate the future horrors of more singing Elmos.

I had to hold back my diabolic side as I passed further down the street. Looky Daddy is camping with his wife, a six-year-old and two-year-old twins. Now is the perfect time to sneak in and steal his stash from the mini-bar. But sadly, my good conscience over-ruled my inner-alcoholic and decided he would definately need that mini-bar when he gets back from camping. If he's smart, he took it with him!

So... my long stroll through Blogland has resulted in me wanting a dog, cursing my classmates, and clearly needing a drink since my darling daughter just woke back up. Enjoy the stroll but try to stay away from the trash. Also, don't dump your damn trash on my sidewalk anymore because Chris has enough shit piling up in her yard.

Happy Walking!

The Sexual Orientation of the Alphabet

Fuckin' A!
Fuck a B... it has more holes
Fuck a C... it's looser
You fuck the B... I want to fuck the Y
No... the Y has a penis! You'll need to fuck the O
So what about the Q? Is it already getting fucked?
I don't know, but I'm sure you couldn't handle the T
No, I personally wanna fuck the P because it's got it all.
Are you sure the P isn't just a D with a strap-on?
Well, I'm not sure about that, but I do believe the Y is just a V with a strap-on.
What about the R? It has two dicks!!
This conversation is very obsurd!
I know, but what about all the letters we've left out?
You know the poor G is like, "Man, what about me? I'm like a C with a piercing!"
I don't even want to ask about the J and S!
My deepest appologies to the E, F, H, I, K, L, M, N, U, W, X, and Z

*This oughta bring the wierdos crawling out of the woodwork!

Who Needs Assholes To Celebrate With?

For the Fourth of July, we were invited to join Aunt T's family for a spectacular fireworks display. I have to admit, I felt right at home (a.k.a. North Family was easily replaced!)

The following events took place and any of them could easily have been expected at a gathering of my own family!

  1. The guests included: Six children, one dog, a dozen adults, and random neighbors. (not enough dogs)
  2. Two little boys stripped butt-ass naked in the living room to put on swimming suits.
  3. One little boy proceded to strut himself in a true Chip-n-Dale's style for the guests in the living room.
  4. One mother chased her butt-ass naked boy around the house three times yelling "squishy tushy" while his Grandma tried to put his swimming suit on.
  5. One little boy stripped in the kitchen because he desperatedly had to poop.
  6. Another little boy stripped in the kitchen before running outside to pee in the driveway. (in town)
  7. These same naked boys refused to come out of the bathroom after swimming. (Suddenly too shy to come get their dry clothes!)
  8. The dog was on sedatives to help her cope with the guests (I could have benefitted from this a few times myself).
  9. The kitchen counter contained a large jar of tea and fifteen large bottles of liquor (including two giant bottles of Crown Royal)
  10. They had to call the neighbors to see if it was time to eat yet.
  11. The statements "Get your butt away from the fireworks," "Don't touch that! It's HOT!," and "Don't cry to me if you get hurt!" echoed from the mouths of several parents.
  12. Two children sustained minor injuries before sunset. (afterwards all children were denied punts)
  13. When the neighbors ran out of firepower first, the taunting and bragging began. ("We're better than you," "LOSERS!" "Hahahaha")
  14. Two kids crashed out on the couch.
  15. Another begged Grandma to spend the night.
  16. Everyone had a cigarette except Aunt T.
  17. Someone mentioned the ex-husband and the cocaine addict.

As you can clearly see, these people would blend right into any family gathering of mine. Just in case any of them stumble onto this by accident. I love you!! Seriously. It was great! I had a great time! Fitting in and being fun is a good thing because I really can't stand snob-nosed stuck-up uptight jerks. THANKS!!

That being said, the beloved Ell slept through the majority of her first Fourth of July.

And she missed some really good fireworks.

But she finally woke up

Just in time for the grand finale!

Love and Hugs to all (especially Mom who hates this holiday and it's all my fault! Sorry... love you!)

*Note: I must say these firework pictures are quite spectacular considering my digital camera has about a two second delay from the time you click until the time the picture is taken. It took 60+ shots just to get this small handful of pictures.

Monday, July 2, 2007

This Oughta Satisfy You!!

We had pictures taken yesterday and if these don't satisfy you for a while, nothing will!

Let Ellie Steal You Heart
This one is for Grandma & Grandpa