Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.


If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Free Moment... Shh... Don't Laugh too hard... Oh Hell... She sleeps like a rock!

FINALLY! I think this is the first time that the following events have all happened at the same time!

  1. I have two arms free.
  2. I'm not making a bottle.
  3. I'm not pacing the floor pulling out my hair.
  4. I'm not eating.
  5. I'm not smoking.
  6. I'm not sleeping.
  7. I'm not having or pondering the idea of having sex.
  8. I'm not too damn exhausted to think (let alone type).

Yes, I actually have a 100% free moment (knock on wood/paper/fiberboard/tree product) to catch up on all my loonies who I miss quite dearly. *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

It's true that I shouldn't be letting her sleep on the couch... on her stomach... during broad daylight... but you know... I just don't give a flying fuckity fart hook at this particular moment.

I hereby claim this moment as MINE!! ALL FUCKING MINE!!!

So as I strolled down the lovely streets of Blogland and the bees buzzed amongst the beautifully blooming flowers... I tripped over some frigging trash some asshole had thrown on the sidewalk... the next thing I know, I'm picking gum off the bottom of my shoe... and realize that some jackass teenager has spray painted graffiti on the side of my house!

I kicked the trash into the neighbor's yard (her's smells like ass anyway!), threw the gum on the sidewalk behind me and sprinkled powdered milk on the lawns of any house that has teenagers living in it (secretly wringing my hands and praying for rain, followed by a hot sunny day!)

Back to my lovely relaxing stroll... While I sympathize with the lonely life of Crystal, I could not help but laugh hysterically (as piss ran down my leg) because I can so relate to her circumstances. I can so picture myself standing on the front porch holding a gun, screaming at a dog, and cussing the asshole who is out fishing instead of home "protecting" his family. Then again... I'd probably have gotten myself shot by the cops for screaming "If you're bringing that worthless son-of-a-bitch home drunk, you better duck!"

Down the street a little further, I find Dawn wallowing in her petty hatred for her High School classmates. While her darling Terrance tries to talk her into "being the better person" I'm standing on the sidewalk screaming, "KICK THEIR ASSES DAWN!! TO HELL WITH THOSE BE-IOTCHES!!" Yes... it will be ten years for me soon. Do I carry a grudge with me every day? No... what a waste of time. But honestly, when you look back and think about it... don't they just PISS YOU OFF!! Yes, I have moved on and made a good life and those people hardly ever cross my mind, but like the ex you forgot about until you saw him on the street... having someone bring them back into your life just naturally digs up all the animosity you thought you had boxed away! It's not like you spend 10-20 years anxiously waiting for that reunion! Would you even notice if you never heard from them again? Then some idiot decides... "Lets get together and point and brag and relive our stupid youth because we have nothing better to do!" That's when you start feeling petty! So I'll be the one standing in the circle screaming "FIGHT FIGHT!! PULL HER HAIR OUT!!"

Further down the street, I thought about stopping in to say, "Hi" to Karla, but then I remembered it's almost eight o'clock and I'd hate to interupt her alcohol graphing. Since it wasn't too long ago that I was being tormented by my own little parasite, I thought I'd leave her alone to contemplate the future horrors of more singing Elmos.

I had to hold back my diabolic side as I passed further down the street. Looky Daddy is camping with his wife, a six-year-old and two-year-old twins. Now is the perfect time to sneak in and steal his stash from the mini-bar. But sadly, my good conscience over-ruled my inner-alcoholic and decided he would definately need that mini-bar when he gets back from camping. If he's smart, he took it with him!

So... my long stroll through Blogland has resulted in me wanting a dog, cursing my classmates, and clearly needing a drink since my darling daughter just woke back up. Enjoy the stroll but try to stay away from the trash. Also, don't dump your damn trash on my sidewalk anymore because Chris has enough shit piling up in her yard.

Happy Walking!

7 comments:

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

So now I'm gum on the bottom of your shoe? Nice...

Your Dad cracked up over Ellie's picture... the one on the right..he thought that was a hell of an expression..

Ellie's Mommie said...

No... it's just that I figured you were probably the one who threw it on the sidewalk so I thought I'd give you credit for it!

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

yea I did and thanks for that....

Chris, where the hell are you... kick some cable repairman ass and get back here..we miss you..

I have duct tape, will that help?
Baling wire?

Just what is it you need? A string and two tin cans? what?

Ellie's Crazy Grandma.. said...

It has changed...life goes on...but that fucking long name doesn't...so there...

Luther said...

Minibar? Christ, that camping trip would have taken a whole friggin' boatload of alcohol...

Anyway, thanks for not stealing mine while we were gone.

Chris said...

Nice stroll. But, the only thing I can think of now is, holy hell, you have yet to reach your 10 year reunion, and my old ass had the 20 year reunion in 2005. *sigh*

Thanks. heh

Ellie's Crazy Grandma.. said...

Cry me a river,, I got drunk and missed my 30th last year.. Ellie's mom mie was going to go in my place and tell them I was in rehab. At the time I was 4 blocks away with a booze IV in my arm.

Ask Ellie's Mom....she has the pictures posted on line somewhere..

I'm so glad Chris is back, but pee before you go read her new blog..IT IS WAY PAST FUNNY...