Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.


If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Who Needs Assholes To Celebrate With?

For the Fourth of July, we were invited to join Aunt T's family for a spectacular fireworks display. I have to admit, I felt right at home (a.k.a. North Family was easily replaced!)


The following events took place and any of them could easily have been expected at a gathering of my own family!

  1. The guests included: Six children, one dog, a dozen adults, and random neighbors. (not enough dogs)
  2. Two little boys stripped butt-ass naked in the living room to put on swimming suits.
  3. One little boy proceded to strut himself in a true Chip-n-Dale's style for the guests in the living room.
  4. One mother chased her butt-ass naked boy around the house three times yelling "squishy tushy" while his Grandma tried to put his swimming suit on.
  5. One little boy stripped in the kitchen because he desperatedly had to poop.
  6. Another little boy stripped in the kitchen before running outside to pee in the driveway. (in town)
  7. These same naked boys refused to come out of the bathroom after swimming. (Suddenly too shy to come get their dry clothes!)
  8. The dog was on sedatives to help her cope with the guests (I could have benefitted from this a few times myself).
  9. The kitchen counter contained a large jar of tea and fifteen large bottles of liquor (including two giant bottles of Crown Royal)
  10. They had to call the neighbors to see if it was time to eat yet.
  11. The statements "Get your butt away from the fireworks," "Don't touch that! It's HOT!," and "Don't cry to me if you get hurt!" echoed from the mouths of several parents.
  12. Two children sustained minor injuries before sunset. (afterwards all children were denied punts)
  13. When the neighbors ran out of firepower first, the taunting and bragging began. ("We're better than you," "LOSERS!" "Hahahaha")
  14. Two kids crashed out on the couch.
  15. Another begged Grandma to spend the night.
  16. Everyone had a cigarette except Aunt T.
  17. Someone mentioned the ex-husband and the cocaine addict.

As you can clearly see, these people would blend right into any family gathering of mine. Just in case any of them stumble onto this by accident. I love you!! Seriously. It was great! I had a great time! Fitting in and being fun is a good thing because I really can't stand snob-nosed stuck-up uptight jerks. THANKS!!

That being said, the beloved Ell slept through the majority of her first Fourth of July.

And she missed some really good fireworks.

But she finally woke up

Just in time for the grand finale!

Love and Hugs to all (especially Mom who hates this holiday and it's all my fault! Sorry... love you!)

*Note: I must say these firework pictures are quite spectacular considering my digital camera has about a two second delay from the time you click until the time the picture is taken. It took 60+ shots just to get this small handful of pictures.

1 comment:

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

I must say your's are much better than mine.

Love the pics of Ell...

I don't hate the holiday, I just never could afford it, so it made me feel bad...

loves and hugs mom mie