Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

In My Email

My friend, Samantha, emailed this to me today. I think it is so true and wanted to share it with everyone. Hope you enjoy!

enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she ever wants to or needs to...

something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

a youth she's content to leave behind....

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

a feeling of control over her destiny...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY..

that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

that her childhood may not have been perfect. but its over...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...


Sunday, May 27, 2007

no time

crying baby
one-handed typing
but thought I'd let you know...
added tons of photos to the other site
don't have too much fun on Memorial Day!!

gotta run

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Chronicles of a Dysfunctional Family

Appropriately titled "As the Family Burns" by my mother, the drama that has become my family is getting ridiculously out of hand. If you find yourself confused by the comings and goings of this highly dysfunctional group, feel free to stop by here for the latest updates.

February 14 - Let's Play Ball (Me): After a great amount of forethought, I have decided that I’m tired of the games that people are playing. I always tell people to avoid the excess drama in their lives unless they can find a way to be entertained by the drama. I’ve finally decided to take my own advice...

February 27 - This Is a Fun Game (Me): Wanna know what the weather is like where I am? Check out The Weather Channel...

March 1 - See If This Blunt Enough For You (Me): Here's a little story I wrote! See if you can fill in the blanks...

March 7 - Here's Why I'm Mad (Me): There's only two reasons that you might have ended up on this site reading the words I have typed. Either you are a random net surfer who stumbled on her in the hopes that I could provide you with cheap entertainment. In which case, I must appologize...

March 13 - Just a Response Letter (Me): This is my delayed explanation for my recent irritation with my family... Let's recap what has happened since Christmas...

March 23 - Who I Am (Mom): There seems to be some confusion about who I am. Or maybe it is why I am like I am. Let me try and clear it up for you...

March 27 - Who's Gonna Burn In Hell (Mom): Recently, my daughter had to listen to yet another criticism of her Mother. AT THE FAMILY CHRISTMAS no less. Did I tell you I come from a classy bunch? Anyway, this particular bitch of the day was that I put all my heirlooms in a box in the basement...

March 28 - Conversation (Mom): If you follow my blog you know that myself (the unfit Mother of 27 years) and my poor, mistreated, under cared for, unloved daughter have some rather long conversations on the phone. To the point that even her Dad gives me the fish eye sometimes...

April 7 - Who Eats Rabbit for Easter? (Me): If you're looking for my usual happy-go-fartsy laugh-your-ass-off post, you're out of luck! This post is a sarcastic, insult-filled, irritated bitchfest about my family (interrupted by an occasional moment of comic relief)...
My Unfamily Easter (Mom): The Hagatha saga continues. Here we are on the eve of Easter. I was just informed that Haggie's gang is having their Easter together at the D side of the family. I am not invited. What a shock that is...

April 11 - Hag Games (Mom): So, You thought I was bluffing. I was not. No funny blog here today. I'm on funny blog strike. YOU MUST HEAR A HAGATHA BLOG TODAY...
More Hag Stuff (Mom): Nope still no funny. More Hag stuff:HAG DOES NOTHING WITHOUT A REASON. The reason for the casino trip...

April 12 - Special Offer (Me): Is your family getting too big to handle? Are you tired of those happy family gatherings? Wish you could get some peace and quiet without your relatives calling to see how you are? Can't afford to buy Christmas gifts? Have I got the solution for you!...
Hag and Hubby (Mom): Man, not only does the truth hurt, but in this case, I think it drove up their asses and dumped an entire semi load of WHAT THE FUCK, in there...

April 13 - It's About??? (Mom): Today's blog will be about: My wonderful childhood memories. No wait...


April 17 - You Bet I Had Time To Rest (Mom): Post op instructions. Take it easy. You are to stay quiet. You need to rest. YEP GOT IT.SO YOU GET THIS FOLKS:ASSHOLE INC. UNLOADED A PICKUP LOAD OF STUFF @ MY HOUSE ½ HOUR BEFORE I HAD THIS WORK DONE...

April 18 - CODE BLACK! (Me): In light of recent events it has come to my attention that some people in my family need a serious attitude adjustment! Since there are laws about beating up 70-year-old elderly individuals, my options at this point seem rather limited. However, being the resourceful young woman that I am, I have come up with several options that might get my point across without earning me a mug shot and orange jumpsuit!...
Goodbye to a Dear Friend (Mom): On April 16th, 2006 JUDY lost her long and courageous fight with Cancer of the Family. Right to the end she fought to beat this deadly disease...


April 26 - As the Family Burns (Mom): OK, I'm sorry, I just can't be serious about this anymore. This Sad Saga Drama Series has now moved to a full fledged comedy...




Somebody had a natural birth without an epidural.
That somebody was never bed ridden and attached to monitors through 14 hours of contractions accompanied by coughing fits and vomiting!

Somebody complained about the bulky diapers the hospital provides you after birth.
That somebody never had a continuous cough to accompany their weakened bladder muscles.

Somebody made a law that says you can't call in a narcotic prescription.
That somebody never had to wait 20 minutes for their pain-killers after being released from Labor and Delivery.

Somebody decided all car seats should be rear-facing for the first year.
That somebody never rode in the back seat for a month because they couldn't see if their baby was okay.

Somebody will tell you that breastfeeding should NOT hurt.
That somebody never had an infant use them as a pacifier.

Somebody will tell you that a tattoo hurts.
That somebody never had a baby gnaw on their nipple.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Frequently Asked Questions

If you actually read my IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS you will see that I'm looking to add a new section to my page. Of course, in order to do this,
I need YOU!!

So here's your chance to ask me anything that happens to be on your mind.

Wanna know how many times I shoot milk in my daughter's eye each day? Curious to know how many dirty diapers are sitting next to her changing area? Want to know how long it's been since I had a bath?

Ask away!!

How many hours of sleep did I get? What is on the front of my fridge? How many beer caps are stuck in my ceiling?

This is a no holds barred questioning session.

Of course, I do get to use my discretion in answering questions that may give too much information or potentially incriminate me. I can promise you 100% honesty, unless of course the sheer nature of the question calls for 100% sarcasm.

No matter what, it should definately be interesting.

So start asking!

Your Reward?
Obviously, the answer to your question. Hopefully, a good supply of humor. And on top of it all, I'll include you in the new blogroll (coming in the next day or so) just for taking time out of your busy day to comment.

So what are you waiting for?

A Toast!

This is a toast to my regular visitors!!

  • Old Woman In a Shoe - Of course my Mother has to be first on the list. What kind of daughter would I be if I didn't give my Mom props for 1) learning the internet, 2) maintaining a blog, 3) being able to decorate her own blog site and 4) being the BEST MOM in the world!!
  • Mole - Even though she's busy being a member of the "real world" trying to overcome her tragic heritage as a REDNECK, she's still my favorite cousin and I have to give her tons of points for being totally AWESOME!!
  • Chris - I must commend Chris for the simple fact that she VOLUNTARILY joined our happy little disfunctional family and seems to be thriving in an otherwise hostile environment. Plus, she's just generally cool and funny!
  • Sunshine - The lovely Prom hostess comes by regularly to be disappointed by my total lack of time to post these days. Thank you for continuing to check in. I promise, things will get back to their normal chaotic routine soon!
  • TJ - Stumbled on here when I posted about a mailing scam and just kinda stuck around. Glad you keep returning now and then.
  • Autumn's Mom - Not a repeat visitor, but I commend anyone who takes the time to comment on my posts.
  • Tink - What can I say? I love reading the tales of Tink, but I've been so busy these days. Still, Tink stops by occasionally to see how things are around here. Thanks!
  • Mighty Dyckerson - It's the big Dyck! Aside from his vomit-inspiring infatuation with my cousin, Mole, his sick sense of humor makes me chuckle from time to time.
  • Corky - Fellow first time parent and aspiring WORLD DICTATOR!!
And a few unidentifiable individuals (leave me a comment so I know who you are!!!):
  • Maxonline (StarHub Cable Vision) - My most frequent anonymous "stalker"
  • Union County College (Cranford, NJ) - Good to know I'm spreading my wisdom to higher education.
  • Lincoln, NE (State of Nebraska, Department of Communications) - Your communication skills suck! Introduce yourself!!
Other unknown visitors from:
  • Arlington, TX
  • Clayton, NC
    Cheyenne, WY
  • and Various unknown locations.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Can't Get Enough of the Pictures?

Okay, finally found a use for that other blog site of mine.
From now on, I'll post all the new baby pics
(okay, so not all of them because, well, I'm a camera addict!)
on the other site.
There's absolutely no words
(except titles)
It's just silence and pictures!
Hope you enjoy!!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

One More Reason to Love Daddy Dearest!

Daddy went to get the mail yesterday.
He returns holding an opened bright pink envelope.

Daddy Dearest: "Are you in a good mood?"
Me: "Why?"
*hands me the card*
Me: "Aww shit!" *grumbles*

Envelope contains a baby shaped card stating:

"I know
your new baby girl
is going to do
some great things.
Heck, she's already
done one-
picked you two
as parents!

Scraggly left-handed writing reads:
Love ya much
Grandma & Grandpa (over)"

On the back:
"A package will follow after we go shopping. Will have the dresses I told you about & some other things I hope you can use. Would love to hear from you when you're ready.

Daddy Dearest's response...
"Should we drive by their house and drop it off on their front porch?"

God I love this man!!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Our First Night Without Daddy

WARNING: If you are offended by poop, urine, breasts, breastmilk, or babies you should skip this post!!

You know those boxes that they use when they're working with hazerdous materials? The ones that are completely enclosed with a little window and you reach inside with these heavy duty rubber gloves. If you happen to see one on a garage sale, please purchase it for me. I will gladly pay the shipping and handling to have it delivered to my apartment.

Why would I need such a drastic device?

Because I have recently given birth to a projectile pooping, geyser spraying, wiggling demon child!

That's right! My beautiful angel who looks as if she can do no wrong, is hiding her true demon heritage beneath that precious face.

Daddy left us to go back to work tonight. We sat down and had a nice meal before my little angel quietly fell asleep in my arms. About seven o'clock, she quietly awoke and whimpered to me that she was again hungry.

Prior to having a meal, I decided to change her diaper. I picked up her little feet and proceded to wipe her messy bottom with a wet wipe. Instantaneously, a stream of stinky projectile poop shot out and sprayed the diaper, the quilt, the towel that is soaking up my leaking problem, and my windpants. I quickly covered the offending area with the already dirty diaper and tried my best to wipe up the poop which had traveled about 18 inches before it was blocked by my body. No doubt, she had potential for a good 3-4 feet on that one!

Several spurts and much wiping later, I concluded that my little "Exorcist" was finally finished. I uncovered the area to assess the damage. While leaning over to reach a wet wipe, a 12-inch geyser of urine sprayed up covering both my arms, my hands, her body, her diaper, the quilt I was changing her on and the floor before I was able to slap the front of the diaper back down.

At this point, we (and everything in a 2 foot radius) are covered in either poop or urine. Having fully emptied all of her internal organs, my devil-spawn procedes to scream because she is hungry. It suddenly dawned on her that Mommie is taking way too long to change this diaper (can't imagine why?).

So here I am standing over a screaming, piss-covered child (who still has a dirty diaper). There is shit and piss on my floor. I'm drenched in urine, covered in poop, and my boobs are leaking all over me. I've got a wet wipe in one hand, and a poop covered towel in the other.

I dried off my hands, moved the baby, cleaned her up and slapped on a new diaper. I then placed the screaming child on the couch with her pacifier and informed her there was no way I was feeding her while I was still covered in shit and urine. I quickly dabbed laundry soap on the quilt while simutaneously spraying carpet cleaner on the floor. We then used a wet wipe to clean 1) a naked Mommie who has stripped off her nasty clothing 2) the pooped on quilt and 3) the urine covered carpeting. A quick trip to wash off my hands and milk covered chest!

With a sigh, I returned to a pissed off child (not crying, but fists clinched in rage) and satisfied her hunger demands before she convinced herself she would starve to death.

At that point, I realized a few things:

  1. My child is NOT an angel
  2. I still LOVE her
  3. I CAN do this! (How much worse can it get? Please don't tell me) AND
  4. I can't wait for DADDY to get home!

Oh, and we definately need to get one of those Hazerdous Materials boxes to change our daughter in.


On the BONUS side of things:

My neighbor brought me over a gift today. A scale (which Daddy had told her I wanted), some body wash, a travel kit of baby stuff, and a baby manicure set.

What did the scale say?


(down 29 pounds!)

That's only 9 pounds over my lowest weight!!

I'm stoked!!

This Is Just Heartbreaking!

Yes! I'm guilty! I've laughed at the expense of others. I've made the comment that if I knew there was a hurricane coming, I'd have started walking to higher ground. I've wondered why it was so shocking that a city BELOW sea level got flooded. I've made comments about people who build their homes on fault lines, people who build their houses on the sides of cliffs, and people who build their houses where brush fires happen every year.

I clearly remember the children's song stating "the wise man built his house upon a rock!" It seems like a simple case of common sense because "the house on the sand washed away!" Well DUH!!! The thing is that no matter where you live in the world, you're going to have to "choose your poison" when it comes to natural disasters.

So, yes! I've laughed at the comedian who joked about tornadoes hitting trailer parks. I've giggled at the "rednecks" that seem to appear on television following a tornado. I have joked about how my dippy father is going to end up in Kansas one day because he refuses to go to the basement when the storms get bad.

But all the joking aside. There is absolutely nothing funny about THIS! The devestation at Greensburg, Kansas is unimaginable. 95% of the town of 1500 was wiped out! I'd seen the pictures on the news, but nothing hits you like the aerial photos. Total devestation in a matter of minutes!

A Break From the Pictures!

Are you all tired of the pictures? Sick of seeing all this cutesy wootsey baby stuff?

Good! ME TOO! So I got online today & decided to check out what my lovely daughter had been up to. Here's what I found when I searched "Ellie goes":

  • Ellie goes potty- why yes she does! Very often she goes potty on her Daddy while he's trying to change her diaper.
  • Ellie goes to visit her, but she's been transferred to a psychiatric institution - I wish they'd let me know when Grandma Bulldog gets herself locked up. That's a long way to travel only to find out Granny's gone whacko again.
  • Ellie goes over and peers around the corner in time to see Scary Clown - Yes, Mommie already has instilled the fear of clowns in Baby Ellie. We can't have Daddy convincing her that a clown costume would be fun for Halloween!
  • Ellie goes downstairs to eat chocolate breakfast - Is there something wrong with chocolate for breakfast? I think Grandpa's chocolate frosted cake makes a good breakfast!
  • Ellie goes to his jacket and yanks out his stash - No, that's Mommie's stash!
  • Ellie goes to the moon AND Ellie goes on a travel to the stars - Yes honey, you can be an astronaut when you grow up (if you don't mind your Mother chaining you in the basement the first time you mention space-travel!)
  • Ellie goes for the cereal and then charges the camera - Yes, I too keep my camera near my cereal for those impromptu time when my breakfast involves a "Kodak moment"!
  • Ellie goes "a little mental" - Well, that's likely to happen. Look at her parents.
  • Ellie goes to therapy - We're already raising funds for her therapist bills.
  • Ellie goes on a shotgun wielding vendetta - I knew she'd make me proud someday!
  • Ellie goes off to get mad at someone else - Much to the relief of her parents.
  • Ellie goes on her joyride - Was it in a golf-cart?
  • Ellie goes ballistic - If Daddy changes the diaper when she wanted a boob!!
  • Ellie goes through the wormhole and sees the universe around her - Yeah, we'll definately have to have a talk about her ACID problem! That was just too "Alice In Wonderland" for me.
  • Ellie goes to an escourt agency - Could be worse. She could marry the guy!
  • Ellie goes bush bashing in her bare feet - Watch out for those thorny bushes!!
  • Ellie goes into the machine; the door seals her inside - We're designing the plans now, but the general purpose will be to isolate her from BOYS until she's 30-ish!!
  • Ellie goes off after the aliens, and then she plays Marco Polo - Do aliens know how to play Marco Polo? Sounds like a lot of fun!!
  • Ellie goes to a rendezvous in a burnt out reasearch facility - Sorry baby, you weren't a test tube baby. We really are your parents!
  • Ellie goes mad at our reflection in the kitchen window at night - It's the vampire blood in her. Everyone knows that my family fears sunlight and lives in dusty tombs. She was bound to inherit some ill effect from us.
  • Ellie goes crazy
  • Ellie goes under the house and eats the rest - This is most disturbing to me. All I can think of is some B-rated Zombi flick! rrrraaaaawwwwwrrrrrr!!! But maybe she just likes to nibble on her PB&J under the house.
  • Ellie goes to the back door and jumps in circles - Then her head spins around and she spits pea-soup on Daddy before he can put the diaper on her butt!
  • Ellie goes into shock and remains in a semi-catatonic state for several days - Must have stumbled onto Grandma Bulldog's blog site!
  • Ellie goes crazy - It was bound to happen. We're not shocked! Insanity has never been a crime in this family!!

And that was my cheap entertainment for the day!! Hope you enjoyed!!


On another note:

If I am ever sentenced to jail for anything, I'm going to insist on special needs housing (reserved for politicians, celebrities, etc) because I consider myself a blog celebrity (and I clearly have "special" needs). I am also going to demand that I get some of my days knocked off for good behavior (you know, like showing up for court!)

Also, many thanks to the parents of the poker player on TV right now. His last name is WEINER and I simply could not contain my laughter if you had blessed him with the first name of Harry, Shorty or Curly!!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Beautiful Day!

Our little Sunshine slowly waking up in the sunshine.
May 14th, 2007

A Week In Pictures

Tuesday, May 8th, 2007 - 11:00 pm
Last Hour of Pregnancy!
Packing up those last minute things before we headed to the Hospital for our induction.
Wednesday, May 9th, 2007 - 8:30 pm
Happy Birthday Ellie!
Ellie's very first picture. Daddy finally got to hold her after they got her all cleaned up and checked out.
Thursday, May 10th, 2007
Our First Full Day!
I just can't believe how tiny she looks when her Daddy holds her. It fascinates me.
Friday, May 11th, 2007
Our First Car Ride
We finally made it home!! The denim quilt is Mommie's latest sewing accomplishment. I'm taking a long break from sewing after cutting out and sewing all those 2-inch denim squares. Super thanks to Grandma Juice for finishing the last two seams and adding a backing for Mommie.
Saturday, May 12th, 2007
Our First Day at Home
One tiny (sleepy) baby girl laying on one BIG bed! We kept it a secret that Grandma & Grandpa left early. The three of us enjoyed a day relaxing as a family without having to entertain anyone else.
Sunday, May 13th, 2007
Happy Mother's Day - First Trip to Town
Daddy's precious little angel loves to sleep (so does her Mommie).
Monday, May 14th, 2007
Our First Day Outside.
Mommie & Ellie sat on the front step while Daddy planted more flowers around the apartment. Later, we all went for a walk down to the end of the street and back. Baby Ellie really enjoyed the outside, but Mommie kind of overdid it a little.

Monday, May 14, 2007

My Two Favorite Pics

These are my favorite pics from the hospital. Each taken in one of the rare moments when we weren't sleeping or entertaining guests.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Home At Last!

Elocin Nicole
has arrived!!
May 9th, 2007
8:24 pm
7 pounds 1 ounce
20 inches long
Daddy Dearest and I arrived at Labor & Delivery around midnight. After going through the necessary paper work and consent forms, we recieved the drugs to induce around 1 am on Wednesday morning.
By 2 am, the contractions were consistantly 2-3 minutes apart until about 5 am. Around 6 in the morning, we were still very high and had made very little progress. We began doses of Pitocin to further encourage progression. From then until about 1:30pm, contractions continued to get very strong, but were not consistant. At 1:30 pm we were still showing little progress and Doc decided if things did not change in the next hour or so, we would have to go home and try again next week!!
Fortunately, our little girl fully intended to arrive that day. At 2:23 pm my water broken on its own. After the initial shock wore off, I was relieved to know she was going to be here soon.
The contractions immediately began to progress rapidly. Very soon they were four or five occuring back to back with about a minute worth of rest between clusters. I had been confined to the bed throughout the whole process and had to have oxygen administered twice due to Ellie's heartrate.
By 3:30 the contractions were nearly unbearable and unrelenting. At 4:00, Daddy Dearest had to call in the nurse to remove the blood pressure cuff that was hurting me. I was busy having coughing fits, vomitting and fighting contractions all at the same time and I simply could not handle the pressure on my arm.
The nurse asked what we were considering for pain, and Daddy told her we were seeing how we could do without it, but were open to an epidural. She asked if I was ready for one. (she could have offered a bullet to the head and I'd have agreed!)
Getting the epidural was very odd. I can remember screaming, and I couldn't hear the doctor trying to talk to me. I said, "I can't hear you!" and then suddenly realized I couldn't hear because I was screaming. I calmed down & all was smooth from there out. The epidural didn't hurt, it was a painful (elbow bumping) sort of tickle.
Soon afterwards, I discovered that the anestesiologist is my new favorite person! It was smooth sailing from there on out.
By 5:50 pm we were at 4 centimeters. By 6:45 pm we were at 7 centimeters and Daddy started picking up the room and stepped out for a quick smoke. By the time he got back, I said, "It's starting to feel really strange." Daddy picked up the rest of the stuff and the nurse came in at 7:30 to find me fully dialated.
It took 53 minutes of pushing for Ellie to make her way into this world.
Mommie and Ellie are both home now and doing very well.
Thanks to all who wished us the best.
An extra special Thank You to the T Family who dropped off a gift for Mommie & Daddy:
Two chocolate bars, two cocktail glasses, a bottle of OJ, a pink flask of Vodka, Tylenol & TUMS!

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Attention McDonald's Employee

This is just to let you know I think you are fucking stupid (explains your employment status).

Any grade school drop out should be able to place a rectancle of fish on a circle bun and place a smaller rectangle of cheese on that.

Explain why my fish was half off the bun and half of my cheese was melted to the box?

Obviously, McDonald's needs to require that their employees complete Second Grade!


Monday, May 7, 2007

Eviction Notice!

We are happy to announce that the doctor has decided to put me out of my misery (euthenasia?)

I had yet another joyous Monday exam today. Nothing. Nada. Just a big baby who is more than comfortable in her current residence. Doc decided to schedule yet another sonogram to check our fluids. However, as I went out to schedule the sono, doc had changed her plans (obviously, my attorney finally got my paperwork filed)

There will be NO SONOGRAM. Instead, we will be going to the Hospital Tuesday at midnight to begin our induction!

So there we have it!

Baby Ellie will be making her debute on May 9th, 2007 regardless of whether she wants to or not.

This of course creates a new dilema.

My parents (and Wonder Dog) will be leaving Nebraska on Wednesday morning to make the journey to Kansas. I am currently uncertain of how many Federal laws we are violating by having the two of us in the same state. Last I knew, I was allowed to visit her in Nebraska any time I wanted (as long as I inform the proper authorities) because we have been grandfathered into the statutes do to my birth. However, I am pretty certain that our exempt status does not transfer to other states. I fear that Grandpa Cletus may have to sign some sort of waiver accepting full responsibility for any actions that occur from allowing the two of us to be together in Kansas at the same time. While having my Dad supervise us may ease the minds of Kansas authorities, civilians should be aware that my Dad has NEVER been able to control either of us. He simply shakes his head and pretends he doesn't know us. The town doesn't stand a chance! I suggest anyone in the path of our insanity stock up on alcohol and lock their doors! If you feel that we pose a serious threat, just buy a few Mike's Lemonades to keep the Bulldog at bay.

So, you will have to sulk in your own boring misery for a few days while I recover from all the joys of labor and delivery. I will definately post pics (and the crazy antics that happen in Kansas) as soon as I am home recovering (and Mom is released from the loony bin).

Wish us lots of luck and start raising bail money!

Saturday, May 5, 2007

The Alphabet This Week

Ankles: Oh My God!! Sitting on the bed last night I realized my ankles have turned into ham hocks! The joys of late pregnancy swelling.

Baby: As of Monday, April 30th, Baby Ellie has no intentions of evacuating her current residence. She is greatly enjoying the misery of her Mommie.

Criminal: Due to a nasty individual who decided to stab two local residents, the local school was on lock-down Wednesday and had no school Thursday. Classes of course were forced to resume on Friday due to a track meet.

Dishes: Daddy Dearest and I partnered up and washed EVERY dish in the house last night. The whole process actually involved our bath tub, because it seemed like the quickest way to soak all the ickies off at once rather than having to wait for one load to soak at a time!

Ellie: Our darling child is active as ever. Mommie being sick has not phased her karate antics in the slightest. She is definately proving to be quite a handful already.

Faucet Filter: Tragedy struck in my kitchen when my Pur water filter sprunk a leak. I am now resorting to bottled water until Monday when we can replace the part. I absolutely hate tap water!

Grandparents: I think they're lying low right now. I find it absolutely hilarious that after a skiff of snow, they thought to call and make sure I wasn't snowed in (didn't bother to call and ask Mom & Cletus) but last night a killer tornado makes NATIONAL news and I hear nothing. Either, they realize I'm really mad at them or they finally learned how to use a MAP!

Hospital: As of last night our hospital bag was officially completed. All that is left to put in there is an outfit for me, some things for Daddy Dearest. At the last minute, all Daddy Dearest should have to do is pack up the laptop, camera, cellphones and pillows.

Intellect: Trying to combat my "brain sucking parasite" I've read 2.5 books in the past 2 weeks. I still feel a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

Juice: Seems like my Mother is terrorizing her neighbors and the local law enforcement (using that term lightly). Glad she's been keeping them all in line this week.

Kansas: The town of Greensburg, Kansas was literally wiped off the map last night by a killer tornado. There are currently 9 reported deaths and over 50 hospitalizations. Our hearts go out to those who have lost homes and loved ones to this tragedy.

Laundry: Wednesday night spurred a moment of ambition for me. I officially washed every item of clothing in my house. I also stripped, washed, Feebreezed, and remade the bed.

Marigolds: Right after the Easter freeze wore off, we planted a cute little row of marigold seeds along our front step. I am happy to say that despite my BLACK thumb, these hearty little plants have finally popped their heads out of the soil. Thinking it was about time to mow, I placed a bright orange ribbon along the edge of the plot to warn our maintenence man of their existance. While the orange ribbon did not survive todays mowing, it did alert him to the presence of my tiny plants and they managed to survive his hackjob.

Neighbors: Let's introduce the nearby residence. Neighbor #1 (a.k.a. Strange Pothead). This guy seems very shy. He's hardly spoke to us since he moved in. Yet somehow he mustered up the courage to come knock on my screen door yesterday to bum a cigarette. Since I've definately been there and I truly sympathize, I did give him a smoke, but I was not exactly the most sociable about it. Seriously, you barely say hello to me, but can come ask for a smoke? ODD! Neighbor #2 (a.k.a. Crackhead I Really Like). Okay, so I think she fried a few too many braincells in her life. I also think she has some poor parenting skills. However, as a person, she's just the sweetest thing. She gives us leftovers, invites us to BBQ's, brought her phone number over in case I need any help while Daddy Dearest is at work. I can't help but like her. And finally, Neighbor #3 (a.k.a. Either Has Parking Anxiety or just wants to piss me off). Nothing irritates me more than someone who cannot park. I'm not talking complicated parallel parking which is a challenge for even me (thus I avoid it), I'm talking just whip the car into a normal spot parking! Daddy Dearest and I live on the back side of our apartment building and are the only ones on the back North side who have a vehicle. Therefore, logically, we try to park our two cars at the farthest North end of our parking lot. Since our grey car is very rarely used, we park it in one spot, leaving just enough room to park the red car to the North of it. This leaves a perfect parking spot for Neighbor #3 to have immediate access to her sidewalk. However, it seems as if every time we move our red car, Neigbor #3 insists on parking in the far North spot we created. I assume she's either parking challenged and cannot park her minivan in the 40 acres provided by her sidewalk, or she's a bitch who wants to piss off a pregnant woman. (end rant)

Overdue: We are fast approaching that "Special Day" and still no sign of progress. Here's hoping we get some good news on Monday saying this child is getting ready to make her debute. You'd think with all my "purging" and coughing fits this week, the sheer force would have pushed her down. I keep waiting to cough and pop a kid out on the floor.

Picnic: Go figure! Our Annual Class Picnic was canceled do to school being canceled that day. It has been rescheduled for next week. So either I'll be even more miserably pregnant than I am now or I'll be in the hospital for it. Just my luck!

Quiet: That's what kind of week it's been around here. No work, no news, no calls, no nothing. It was very relaxing.

Repairs: This list of items that have broken for various reasons this week include the refrigerator, the TV, the faucet filter, and the sink drain. Yes, it has been quite a week. The metal support that holds the fridge door up broke off the bottom of the fridge. The plastic casing on our small television (slightly damaged months ago) finally cracked to such an extent that the back had to be completely removed. The faucet filter sprung a leak. And to top it all off, the kitchen drain popped off flooding the kitchen floor. I believe that during the next full moon we will simply lock ourselves in our room and refuse to touch anything.

Sick: Myself, Cletus and Chris have all spent the week sick. Oh the joys of vomit, sore throats, coughing up portions of your lungs, and general miserableness.

Television: Much to my enjoyment, this week we accidentally stumbled on cable channels we did not know we had. We are now privy to HBO, Showtime and The Movie Channel. Just the basics (none of the special package channels) but it was kinda neat to have some more recent movies on TV this week. Hopefully it's a perk of the new channel line-up that is costing us an extra $5 and not an error on the cable companies part.

Unconditional: Okay, so she's driving me crazy! She kicks! She's uncomfortable! She's made me fat! She's made me cranky! She's totally ruined my figure! And she hasn't even said she's sorry! But I love her!

Virgin: I SWEAR I AM ONE!!!

Work: Between doctor's appointments, two days of illness, and a psycho fugitive, I only had to go to work one day this week. While having a one-day work week was great for my total exhaustion, it has proved to be extremely boring.

eXhausted: Do I really need to say any more than that?

Yesterday: I fell madly in love with Daddy Dearest. Oh, wait! That happened a while ago. But you know what? I'm still madly in love with that man! Even when we bicker. Even when we argue. Even when we're so mad at each other we can't see straight. I still love him. And when it's all settled down, he never ceases to remind me how much he loves me too. When I'm feeling down, he kisses me and tells me how beautiful I am. When I'm feeling fat, he smiles and tells me I'm sexy. When I can't stand to look at my horrible stretch marks, he hugs me and tells me that they aren't that bad. At his very worst, he is the best. When I fall asleep, book in hand, he gently tucks me in and kisses me. When I tell him I feel bad for not helping with the housework, he reminds me that I picked up the laundry, cleaned off the coffee table, or took out the trash. He holds me and rubs my back and smothers me in a million kisses at just the right moment. Yes, we have a moments. We even have our days. We've been known to yell. We've said things we don't mean. We've gone whole days barely speaking. But in the end it always works out. (end sappy love story)

Zebras: Quick Fact - The stripes on a zebra are as unique as a human fingerprint. Scientist can use them to individually identify each animal. "Yes, officer! The suspect had a four-inch-long verticle stripe running at a 32-degree angle along its left flank..."

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Have You Missed Me?

I know, here I go and curse Blogland with an anti-humor hex and then I just disappear for days on end. I've left you wondering if it was safe to laugh. Continuously looking over your shoulders afraid that I might sneak up and sneeze on you at the first sign of giggling.

MuuHAHAHAHA! Fear is the ultimate weapon of all successful dictators! Since my current goal in life is to rule mercilessly over all of Blogland, I consider my most recent endeavor, quite a success.

But just so you know, I didn't spend the entire time wringing my hands in pleasure and grinning like a maniac. If you are feeling at all jealous that I'm looking at a two-day work week (one of which is an entire day picnicing by the lake) please keep in mind that I would have traded your 60-hour work week for what I've gone through the last few days.

The recap:

Monday Afternoon: Schedule off work for my O/B visit. Why do I schedule a whole day off work for one 10-minute exam? Because NO ONE should have to do anything on a day that they know full well is going to SUCK BIG TIME! Seriously, how much would it suck to have a bad day at work, only to end the afternoon having their tonsils checked in all the WRONG WAYS!! So yes, instead of going on FULL MATERNITY LEAVE, I have limited my work week to a 4 day week by taking every Monday off.

So what about Monday? IT SUCKED! Poke. Prod. Nope. No luck. No progress. Not sure what position this kid is in. Let's do a scan. Exact words of doctor were "Let's go see if this little girl has the audacity to be heads up!" Thankfully, she's well behaved enough to be head down and ready to go. Unfortunately, she's in no hurry to do anything more than stand on her little head. Bad news is that doc doesn't expect her for another week or two. Good news is, Mommie will have that much longer to contemplate how long she should ground her for being stubborn and bull-headed!

Monday Evening: So, as you know, I spent the whole weekend fighting a head cold. Yes, I was miserable. Yes, I whined. Yes, I hate being sick. But thankfully, I'd gone all day Sunday without needing meds so I was pretty sure it was over and done with. That was until 7:00 Monday night. Oh, HAIL TO THE PORCELINE GODS!! Nothing like an evening prayer session to make you feel alive! No biggie though, it happens from time to time, especially towards the end of my colds. It's just a final purge on the road to recovery. Right? SO WRONG!!

  • 11:00 - Another worship session. Okay, so maybe I'm just drinking too much too fast. Let's try sipping the tea and relaxing.
  • 11:30 - HAIL POLCELINIUS FLUSHAMUNDUS!!! Well, that's definately no fun on an empty stomach. Lets try some hot tea to sooth the throat and maybe curb the coughing fits.
  • Midnight - *speaking in tongues* Okay, this is getting a bit ridiculous. I'm frigging thirsty! Could you maybe stop with the prayer-fest sometime soon!
  • 12:30 - Head spins around and spits pea soup everywhere! THAT'S IT! This is NOT New Mecca! We do no pray every 30 minutes! I am not calling a damn priest! Knock it off!
  • 1:00 - Cough. Choke. Gag. Purge. Cough. Fuck You! I hate you! I give up! Just kill me!
  • *fall asleep on couch until alarm goes off at 7:30 am*

Tuesday Morning:
  • 8:00 am - Call boss. "Hey J, I'm calling in DEAD! I'll make a doctor's appointment and let you know if she says I'm NOT DEAD!" - "Okay girl, let us know how you're doing. Take care!"
  • 8:30 am - Call doc. "Yes, I'd like to make an appointment for today to verify that I am DEAD!" - "What are your symptoms?" - "Well, let's see, I'm coughing, puking, running nose. All the basic symptoms of being DEAD!" - "Okay, we'll see you at 10:15!"
  • 10:15 am - Visit doc. "No, you are NOT DEAD! However, you're getting over a sinus cold, you have an ear infection, and you may have a stomach bug. Here's a prescription for your ear infection. Let me know if you still can't keep fluids down today. Keep track of your kick counts and call a doc if she stops moving." - *sigh* "Can't you just pronounce me DEAD?"
  • Pick up prescription, gatorade, 7-up, put gas in car, come home, email co-workers to let them know that sadly, I'm NOT DEAD! Curl up on couch, sleep until 4.
  • 6:00 pm - Let the coughing commence!!
  • 8:00 pm - Get my fix of HOUSE!
  • 9:00 pm - Go read a book
  • 10:00 pm - Try to fall asleep
  • 11:30 pm - Swear mad strings of profanity, broken only by coughing, as I storm outside to sit on front step. Coughing stops. Go back inside and curl up. Coughing starts.
  • Midnight - Daddy Dearest suggests Cloreseptic throat spray (not recommended for pregnant women) Stare long and hard at the bottle. Finally give in and spray throat. Okay. That is the coolest shit on the face of the Earth! It tastes like cherry flavored YARD ASS, but once your mouth and throat go numb you really don't mind at all.
  • Sleep until morning!

  • 7:45 am - Call boss and tell him I could really use another day off. "Okay girl, see you tomorrow!"
  • Immediately fall back to sleep until 1:30.

  • It's about 4:00. I've drank a bottle of Gatorade. I'm working on a 7-up. I've had a bagel with cheese. I can breathe. I'm only coughing once every 15-30 minutes. My stomach doesn't feel like it's sloshing with diesel fuel and week old yogurt. Baby hasn't been phased one bit. And really, my only complaint is that I think I could use one more nap.

So, I'm officially calling off my no-humor hex. You are free to post all of your hilariousness in it's fullest. However, do keep in mind that if I have a relapse and miss out on our Annual Class Picnic tomorrow, there will be HELL TO PAY! Seriously, I've already forfitted my trip to the Zoo for the sake of this child (I just don't understand why my co-workers would be nervous about dragging me on a 12-hour trip out of state, 3-hours from my doctor when I'm 3 days over-due! You'd think they were paranoid or something!). For those of you who believed that my hex was all smoke and mirrors, please keep this in mind. The one person who dared to slip up and make me laugh this weekend had a near "Death By Pop-Tart" experience!

Sorry if this post lacked the usual PIZZAZZ you have come to expect from me. If you actually paid attention to what you were reading, you know I haven't been at my best the last few days. Bear with me. We'll get things back on track. I just need some time to recouperate.