Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Saturday, May 26, 2007


Somebody had a natural birth without an epidural.
That somebody was never bed ridden and attached to monitors through 14 hours of contractions accompanied by coughing fits and vomiting!

Somebody complained about the bulky diapers the hospital provides you after birth.
That somebody never had a continuous cough to accompany their weakened bladder muscles.

Somebody made a law that says you can't call in a narcotic prescription.
That somebody never had to wait 20 minutes for their pain-killers after being released from Labor and Delivery.

Somebody decided all car seats should be rear-facing for the first year.
That somebody never rode in the back seat for a month because they couldn't see if their baby was okay.

Somebody will tell you that breastfeeding should NOT hurt.
That somebody never had an infant use them as a pacifier.

Somebody will tell you that a tattoo hurts.
That somebody never had a baby gnaw on their nipple.

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