Back to School

POP QUIZ

Multiple choice:
1. Why does my child scream bloody fucking murder?
--a. She has an ear infection
--b. She had her shots on Wednesday
--c. She doesn't know what she wants
--d. She's the spawn of Hades

2. What time have we gone to bed this week?
--a. midnight
--b. 2 am
--c. 4 am
--d. 6 am

3. What time does Ellie wake up?
--a. 8 am
--b. 10 am
--c. Noon
--d. 2 pm

4. What TV shows am I currently addicted to?
--a. General Hospital and House
--b. Big Love and Lil' Bill
--c. America's Got Talent and Cities of the Underworld
--d. all of the above

5. What do I really wish I could do?
--a. run away to Mexico
--b. get my child to sleep in her crib
--c. get drunk with the football team
--d. marry a 99-year-old multi-millionaire the day before he croaks

True or False:

__ 6. I've had time to blog but nothing to blog about.
__ 7. I've seen almost all the movies that are playing in the theater this week.
__ 8. I missed an episode of Big Love and am freaking out because I don't know what is going on with the 3rd wife or what happened after the cops busted the compound!
__ 9. I actually cooked a meal this week and it was... MEATLOAF!
__ 10. Most of my neighbors are complaining about things going on in the housing center.

Essay:

Please tell me what you think my next blog should be about and why.

you can all thank Ellie's crazy Grandma for complaining... she earned the whole class homework!

Free Moment... Shh... Don't Laugh too hard... Oh Hell... She sleeps like a rock!

FINALLY! I think this is the first time that the following events have all happened at the same time!

1. I have two arms free.
2. I'm not making a bottle.
3. I'm not pacing the floor pulling out my hair.
4. I'm not eating.
5. I'm not smoking.
6. I'm not sleeping.
7. I'm not having or pondering the idea of having sex.
8. I'm not too damn exhausted to think (let alone type).

Yes, I actually have a 100% free moment (knock on wood/paper/fiberboard/tree product) to catch up on all my loonies who I miss quite dearly. *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

It's true that I shouldn't be letting her sleep on the couch... on her stomach... during broad daylight... but you know... I just don't give a flying fuckity fart hook at this particular moment.

I hereby claim this moment as MINE!! ALL FUCKING MINE!!!

So as I strolled down the lovely streets of Blogland and the bees buzzed amongst the beautifully blooming flowers... I tripped over some frigging trash some asshole had thrown on the sidewalk... the next thing I know, I'm picking gum off the bottom of my shoe... and realize that some jackass teenager has spray painted graffiti on the side of my house!

I kicked the trash into the neighbor's yard (her's smells like ass anyway!), threw the gum on the sidewalk behind me and sprinkled powdered milk on the lawns of any house that has teenagers living in it (secretly wringing my hands and praying for rain, followed by a hot sunny day!)

Back to my lovely relaxing stroll... While I sympathize with the lonely life of Crystal, I could not help but laugh hysterically (as piss ran down my leg) because I can so relate to her circumstances. I can so picture myself standing on the front porch holding a gun, screaming at a dog, and cussing the asshole who is out fishing instead of home "protecting" his family. Then again... I'd probably have gotten myself shot by the cops for screaming "If you're bringing that worthless son-of-a-bitch home drunk, you better duck!"

Down the street a little further, I find Dawn wallowing in her petty hatred for her High School classmates. While her darling Terrance tries to talk her into "being the better person" I'm standing on the sidewalk screaming, "KICK THEIR ASSES DAWN!! TO HELL WITH THOSE BE-IOTCHES!!" Yes... it will be ten years for me soon. Do I carry a grudge with me every day? No... what a waste of time. But honestly, when you look back and think about it... don't they just PISS YOU OFF!! Yes, I have moved on and made a good life and those people hardly ever cross my mind, but like the ex you forgot about until you saw him on the street... having someone bring them back into your life just naturally digs up all the animosity you thought you had boxed away! It's not like you spend 10-20 years anxiously waiting for that reunion! Would you even notice if you never heard from them again? Then some idiot decides... "Lets get together and point and brag and relive our stupid youth because we have nothing better to do!" That's when you start feeling petty! So I'll be the one standing in the circle screaming "FIGHT FIGHT!! PULL HER HAIR OUT!!"

Further down the street, I thought about stopping in to say, "Hi" to Karla, but then I remembered it's almost eight o'clock and I'd hate to interupt her alcohol graphing. Since it wasn't too long ago that I was being tormented by my own little parasite, I thought I'd leave her alone to contemplate the future horrors of more singing Elmos.

I had to hold back my diabolic side as I passed further down the street. Looky Daddy is camping with his wife, a six-year-old and two-year-old twins. Now is the perfect time to sneak in and steal his stash from the mini-bar. But sadly, my good conscience over-ruled my inner-alcoholic and decided he would definately need that mini-bar when he gets back from camping. If he's smart, he took it with him!

So... my long stroll through Blogland has resulted in me wanting a dog, cursing my classmates, and clearly needing a drink since my darling daughter just woke back up. Enjoy the stroll but try to stay away from the trash. Also, don't dump your damn trash on my sidewalk anymore because Chris has enough shit piling up in her yard.

Happy Walking!

Horny Bastards are Frothing At the Bit

Okay, I'd love nothing more than to satisfy the insatiable needs of blogland (I'm a tramp like that!) but honestly, my "ASS," as my Mother so kindly puts it, is currently owned by a rather demanding individual (not Daddy Dearest, poor guy can't remember the last time he got some "ass"...was that too much? oh well, you asked for it).

Anyway, since my darling daughter insists that she needs to be the center of attention for most of the day... what is a mother to do? I thought about putting her in the baby sling and hanging her off the side of the desk, but unless I super-glued the pacifier in her mouth, I'm afraid she'd still object.

On the up side, she decided to develop a sleeping schedule. For three days in a row she was going to bed a little before midnight & sleeping straight through (minus a couple of feedings) until 9:30 am. The down side? We let her sleep all of one day because we were rearranging the bedroom and now that wonderful sleep schedule went out with the dirty diapers. Back to SQUARE ONE... which is just to the left of HELL!

Good thing is that Ell now has her own personal corner in the bedroom. Bad thing is that she refuses to spend any time in the bedroom unless she is asleep on MOMMIE'S BED!!

... on a lighter note, I'd like to publish this letter ...

Dear Mr. Postman who was sleeping in his vehicle at 3 PM in the park,

I now know why my mail is always late!!

Thank you!

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
I was tempted to blare on the horn as we passed him, but then I decided he was only delivering bills so who the hell cared.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

So our lives have been filled with tons of intellectual conversations.

Case in point:

*on trip to Nebraska*
Daddy Dearest: That tower looks like it has ping pong paddles on it!
Daddy Dearest: Oh Wait! They're bottle caps!
Daddy Dearest: Nope! They're modern indian drums!
Daddy Dearest: They just automatically go off on schedule
Daddy Dearest (in American Indian voice): Teepee burn down, Squaw run off, Horses die, Casino go under, We eat hogs, I sell my hair, Make good Tampons!! (by now voice is East Indian)
Me: *laughing hysterically, throws notebook on car floor*
Daddy Dearest: Release everything! Can't hold onto this! Must focus on breathing!
Daddy Dearest: Rub belly pat head, rub belly pat head, rub belly pat head! SHIT! Rub belly rub belly rub belly!!

As you can see, our car was clearly leaking some form of toxic gas into the vehicle which created this strange state of non-sense delerium. Not convinced! Try this conversation on for size:

Daddy Dearest: *something about Cantaloupe*
Me: We can too elope!
Daddy Dearest: No we can't!
Me: *Discussion about telling people we're already married*
Daddy Dearest: *Comments that we could stage a wedding complete with rented tux and dress*
Daddy Dearest: We'll even rent the bouquets!!
Daddy Dearest: OOOHHH!! I want a bOOOOOkie!
Me: *laughing hysterically* You're DELERIOUS!! *more laughter* bOOOOOkie!!
Daddy Dearest: bOOOOOkie? I don't know no Bookie! I don't read BOOKS!!
Me: *laughing & trying to speak*
Daddy Dearest: Mrs. B!!! (refers to a previous conversation not worth mentioning)
Me: *more laughter & tries to comment* B-b-bo...
Daddy Dearest: (interupting) BOO! Boob! Boobobee!!
Daddy Dearest: "Hi! I am BOOBOBEE!!"
Daddy Dearest: Let's name our son BOO-BO-BEE!!

Now, as much as I would truely love to blame these non-sense conversations on toxic gases, recreational drug use, or 80's flashbacks, I am reluctant to admit that this is just a fact of our lives. Even now, the insane subject matter continues to haunt me.

If you have watched the new animated series "Lil' Bush" this will be a lot more hilarious too you, but in case you haven't I'll give you a little background. The series has Bush Sr. as president and all of today's politicians are just kids. The character Lil' Cheney goes around constantly saying "Raar, raar, raar, ((random statement)), raar, raar!" That being said, this insanity has trickled into our brains and has become the new "silence breaker" in our home. When there is nothing to say (or we're too braindead to form logical conversations) we simply spew off these random statements...

Raar, raar, raar, POTATO CHIP raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, MOO COW raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, WHIPS & CHAINS raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CRYING BABY raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, SCARY CLOWN raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CANDY BAR raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, STRIP POKER raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, UGLY NEIGHBOR raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, JUNE BUG raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CABAGE PATCH KID raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, ANAL SEX (Was that too much? Sorry!)

You get the drift! It's been mind boggling around here!

And on a final note... let me leave you with some lyrics (sung to some symphony that I knew until I tried to think of it!)

If you are in the other room, then you will hear me,
If you are in the other room, then you will hear me,
I'll scream out loud
I'll scream out loud
I'll scream out VERRRRYYY LOUD!
Where is my blankie?
Or my binkie?
Or my baba?
Where is my blankie?
Or my binkie?
Or my baba?
Where is my BABA?
Where is my BABA?
Where is my BA-BA-BAAA?
Oh no my tummy
It hurts when I throw up...

So, yeah... You can thank Daddy Dearest for not only giving up the computer, but babysitting for the last couple of hours so that I had time to entertain your selfish asses!! And just in case the thought crossed your mind to critisize... his poker check came today and all I can say is "SHUT THE FUCK UP! HE MAKES MORE ON THIS COMPUTER THAN I MAKE IN TWO MONTHS OF WORK SO HE CAN HAVE IT ALL HE WANTS!!" Besides, if you checked your site meters you know I've been here, I just haven't been in the state of mind to think of something creative!

So now I've taken time to satisfy your blogland needs (leave the money on the dresser!) if you don't mind I'm going to go satisfy myself (selfish bastards didn't even offer me a kiss!) But honetly, I have a patriotic manicure that has been in the making (one layer at a time) for the past five hours (just enough time for one coat to dry between Ell's screaming fits). So if you don't mind, I'm going to go paint the stars on my right hand and consider painting my toe nails with pretty spring flowers.

So put your damn clothes back on and lock the door on the way out!!

...................................................................................
FOR SALE: Bottled baby puke and dirty diapers. No questions asked. All sales final. Product may vary.

Bored?

Read my FRONT DESK ----------->
Leave me a comment to tell me how far you actually got.
I'm curious to see how BORED you really are!!

I'll give you extra BOREDOM points if you not only read the whole thing, but take the time to actually click all of the random links (some of them really are worth a click).

Enjoy!!

Somebody

Somebody had a natural birth without an epidural.
That somebody was never bed ridden and attached to monitors through 14 hours of contractions accompanied by coughing fits and vomiting!

Somebody complained about the bulky diapers the hospital provides you after birth.
That somebody never had a continuous cough to accompany their weakened bladder muscles.

Somebody made a law that says you can't call in a narcotic prescription.
That somebody never had to wait 20 minutes for their pain-killers after being released from Labor and Delivery.

Somebody decided all car seats should be rear-facing for the first year.
That somebody never rode in the back seat for a month because they couldn't see if their baby was okay.

Somebody will tell you that breastfeeding should NOT hurt.
That somebody never had an infant use them as a pacifier.

Somebody will tell you that a tattoo hurts.
That somebody never had a baby gnaw on their nipple.

Frequently Asked Questions

If you actually read my IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS you will see that I'm looking to add a new section to my page. Of course, in order to do this,
I need YOU!!

So here's your chance to ask me anything that happens to be on your mind.

Wanna know how many times I shoot milk in my daughter's eye each day? Curious to know how many dirty diapers are sitting next to her changing area? Want to know how long it's been since I had a bath?

Ask away!!

How many hours of sleep did I get? What is on the front of my fridge? How many beer caps are stuck in my ceiling?

This is a no holds barred questioning session.

Of course, I do get to use my discretion in answering questions that may give too much information or potentially incriminate me. I can promise you 100% honesty, unless of course the sheer nature of the question calls for 100% sarcasm.

No matter what, it should definately be interesting.

So start asking!

Your Reward?
Obviously, the answer to your question. Hopefully, a good supply of humor. And on top of it all, I'll include you in the new blogroll (coming in the next day or so) just for taking time out of your busy day to comment.

So what are you waiting for?
ASK ME SOMETHING!!

A Toast!

This is a toast to my regular visitors!!

• Old Woman In a Shoe - Of course my Mother has to be first on the list. What kind of daughter would I be if I didn't give my Mom props for 1) learning the internet, 2) maintaining a blog, 3) being able to decorate her own blog site and 4) being the BEST MOM in the world!!
• Mole - Even though she's busy being a member of the "real world" trying to overcome her tragic heritage as a REDNECK, she's still my favorite cousin and I have to give her tons of points for being totally AWESOME!!
• Chris - I must commend Chris for the simple fact that she VOLUNTARILY joined our happy little disfunctional family and seems to be thriving in an otherwise hostile environment. Plus, she's just generally cool and funny!
• Sunshine - The lovely Prom hostess comes by regularly to be disappointed by my total lack of time to post these days. Thank you for continuing to check in. I promise, things will get back to their normal chaotic routine soon!
• TJ - Stumbled on here when I posted about a mailing scam and just kinda stuck around. Glad you keep returning now and then.
• Autumn's Mom - Not a repeat visitor, but I commend anyone who takes the time to comment on my posts.
• Tink - What can I say? I love reading the tales of Tink, but I've been so busy these days. Still, Tink stops by occasionally to see how things are around here. Thanks!
• Mighty Dyckerson - It's the big Dyck! Aside from his vomit-inspiring infatuation with my cousin, Mole, his sick sense of humor makes me chuckle from time to time.
• Corky - Fellow first time parent and aspiring WORLD DICTATOR!!

And a few unidentifiable individuals (leave me a comment so I know who you are!!!):

• Maxonline (StarHub Cable Vision) - My most frequent anonymous "stalker"
• Union County College (Cranford, NJ) - Good to know I'm spreading my wisdom to higher education.
• Lincoln, NE (State of Nebraska, Department of Communications) - Your communication skills suck! Introduce yourself!!

Other unknown visitors from:

• Arlington, TX
• Clayton, NC
  Cheyenne, WY
• and Various unknown locations.

The Alphabet This Week

Ankles: Oh My God!! Sitting on the bed last night I realized my ankles have turned into ham hocks! The joys of late pregnancy swelling.

Baby: As of Monday, April 30th, Baby Ellie has no intentions of evacuating her current residence. She is greatly enjoying the misery of her Mommie.

Criminal: Due to a nasty individual who decided to stab two local residents, the local school was on lock-down Wednesday and had no school Thursday. Classes of course were forced to resume on Friday due to a track meet.

Dishes: Daddy Dearest and I partnered up and washed EVERY dish in the house last night. The whole process actually involved our bath tub, because it seemed like the quickest way to soak all the ickies off at once rather than having to wait for one load to soak at a time!

Ellie: Our darling child is active as ever. Mommie being sick has not phased her karate antics in the slightest. She is definately proving to be quite a handful already.

Faucet Filter: Tragedy struck in my kitchen when my Pur water filter sprunk a leak. I am now resorting to bottled water until Monday when we can replace the part. I absolutely hate tap water!

Grandparents: I think they're lying low right now. I find it absolutely hilarious that after a skiff of snow, they thought to call and make sure I wasn't snowed in (didn't bother to call and ask Mom & Cletus) but last night a killer tornado makes NATIONAL news and I hear nothing. Either, they realize I'm really mad at them or they finally learned how to use a MAP!

Hospital: As of last night our hospital bag was officially completed. All that is left to put in there is an outfit for me, some things for Daddy Dearest. At the last minute, all Daddy Dearest should have to do is pack up the laptop, camera, cellphones and pillows.

Intellect: Trying to combat my "brain sucking parasite" I've read 2.5 books in the past 2 weeks. I still feel a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

Juice: Seems like my Mother is terrorizing her neighbors and the local law enforcement (using that term lightly). Glad she's been keeping them all in line this week.

Kansas: The town of Greensburg, Kansas was literally wiped off the map last night by a killer tornado. There are currently 9 reported deaths and over 50 hospitalizations. Our hearts go out to those who have lost homes and loved ones to this tragedy.

Laundry: Wednesday night spurred a moment of ambition for me. I officially washed every item of clothing in my house. I also stripped, washed, Feebreezed, and remade the bed.

Marigolds: Right after the Easter freeze wore off, we planted a cute little row of marigold seeds along our front step. I am happy to say that despite my BLACK thumb, these hearty little plants have finally popped their heads out of the soil. Thinking it was about time to mow, I placed a bright orange ribbon along the edge of the plot to warn our maintenence man of their existance. While the orange ribbon did not survive todays mowing, it did alert him to the presence of my tiny plants and they managed to survive his hackjob.

Neighbors: Let's introduce the nearby residence. Neighbor #1 (a.k.a. Strange Pothead). This guy seems very shy. He's hardly spoke to us since he moved in. Yet somehow he mustered up the courage to come knock on my screen door yesterday to bum a cigarette. Since I've definately been there and I truly sympathize, I did give him a smoke, but I was not exactly the most sociable about it. Seriously, you barely say hello to me, but can come ask for a smoke? ODD! Neighbor #2 (a.k.a. Crackhead I Really Like). Okay, so I think she fried a few too many braincells in her life. I also think she has some poor parenting skills. However, as a person, she's just the sweetest thing. She gives us leftovers, invites us to BBQ's, brought her phone number over in case I need any help while Daddy Dearest is at work. I can't help but like her. And finally, Neighbor #3 (a.k.a. Either Has Parking Anxiety or just wants to piss me off). Nothing irritates me more than someone who cannot park. I'm not talking complicated parallel parking which is a challenge for even me (thus I avoid it), I'm talking just whip the car into a normal spot parking! Daddy Dearest and I live on the back side of our apartment building and are the only ones on the back North side who have a vehicle. Therefore, logically, we try to park our two cars at the farthest North end of our parking lot. Since our grey car is very rarely used, we park it in one spot, leaving just enough room to park the red car to the North of it. This leaves a perfect parking spot for Neighbor #3 to have immediate access to her sidewalk. However, it seems as if every time we move our red car, Neigbor #3 insists on parking in the far North spot we created. I assume she's either parking challenged and cannot park her minivan in the 40 acres provided by her sidewalk, or she's a bitch who wants to piss off a pregnant woman. (end rant)

Overdue: We are fast approaching that "Special Day" and still no sign of progress. Here's hoping we get some good news on Monday saying this child is getting ready to make her debute. You'd think with all my "purging" and coughing fits this week, the sheer force would have pushed her down. I keep waiting to cough and pop a kid out on the floor.

Picnic: Go figure! Our Annual Class Picnic was canceled do to school being canceled that day. It has been rescheduled for next week. So either I'll be even more miserably pregnant than I am now or I'll be in the hospital for it. Just my luck!

Quiet: That's what kind of week it's been around here. No work, no news, no calls, no nothing. It was very relaxing.

Repairs: This list of items that have broken for various reasons this week include the refrigerator, the TV, the faucet filter, and the sink drain. Yes, it has been quite a week. The metal support that holds the fridge door up broke off the bottom of the fridge. The plastic casing on our small television (slightly damaged months ago) finally cracked to such an extent that the back had to be completely removed. The faucet filter sprung a leak. And to top it all off, the kitchen drain popped off flooding the kitchen floor. I believe that during the next full moon we will simply lock ourselves in our room and refuse to touch anything.

Sick: Myself, Cletus and Chris have all spent the week sick. Oh the joys of vomit, sore throats, coughing up portions of your lungs, and general miserableness.

Television: Much to my enjoyment, this week we accidentally stumbled on cable channels we did not know we had. We are now privy to HBO, Showtime and The Movie Channel. Just the basics (none of the special package channels) but it was kinda neat to have some more recent movies on TV this week. Hopefully it's a perk of the new channel line-up that is costing us an extra $5 and not an error on the cable companies part.

Unconditional: Okay, so she's driving me crazy! She kicks! She's uncomfortable! She's made me fat! She's made me cranky! She's totally ruined my figure! And she hasn't even said she's sorry! But I love her!

Virgin: I SWEAR I AM ONE!!!

Work: Between doctor's appointments, two days of illness, and a psycho fugitive, I only had to go to work one day this week. While having a one-day work week was great for my total exhaustion, it has proved to be extremely boring.

eXhausted: Do I really need to say any more than that?

Yesterday: I fell madly in love with Daddy Dearest. Oh, wait! That happened a while ago. But you know what? I'm still madly in love with that man! Even when we bicker. Even when we argue. Even when we're so mad at each other we can't see straight. I still love him. And when it's all settled down, he never ceases to remind me how much he loves me too. When I'm feeling down, he kisses me and tells me how beautiful I am. When I'm feeling fat, he smiles and tells me I'm sexy. When I can't stand to look at my horrible stretch marks, he hugs me and tells me that they aren't that bad. At his very worst, he is the best. When I fall asleep, book in hand, he gently tucks me in and kisses me. When I tell him I feel bad for not helping with the housework, he reminds me that I picked up the laundry, cleaned off the coffee table, or took out the trash. He holds me and rubs my back and smothers me in a million kisses at just the right moment. Yes, we have a moments. We even have our days. We've been known to yell. We've said things we don't mean. We've gone whole days barely speaking. But in the end it always works out. (end sappy love story)

Zebras: Quick Fact - The stripes on a zebra are as unique as a human fingerprint. Scientist can use them to individually identify each animal. "Yes, officer! The suspect had a four-inch-long verticle stripe running at a 32-degree angle along its left flank..."

Prom 2007

Sunshine is hosting Prom 2007! Woohoo!

@>-;---*---;-<@

Unfortunately for me, she has scheduled the prom date for May 8th. Since my due date is set for May 10th, I don't believe it would be wise for me to make tentative plans to actually attend Prom. (Especially since I believe my Mother had some strange dream about me falling on my pregnant ass while doing the disco!)

@>-;---*---;-<@

So sadly, I will NOT be attending the festivities!

@>-;---*---;-<@

NEVER FEAR!! I will be with you in spirit (unless of course I'm in labor and delivery screaming to Daddy Dearest that this is all his fault!!)

@>-;---*---;-<@

So the prom festivities for 2007 include posting of old Prom photos, finding a prom date, remembering your favorite prom song, and digging up your old prom stories.

@>-;---*---;-<@

When it comes to those old Prom photos, I know exactly where they are. Unfortunately, climbing up on a chair and digging a huge box of photos out of the top of the closet are not on the list of top 10 things a pregnant woman should do.

--;-<@Luckily, we have an alternative! I still have in my closet my prom dress from my senior year! Yes! It still fits! As a matter of fact, it still fit me when I was four-months pregnant. Not saying I was fat in high school, just that knit fabrics are very forgiving.

---;-<@So here you have it. My 1998 prom fantasmo made slightly more hilarious by the baby-belly I had around Christmas of last year (No, I was NOT pregnant for my senior prom!) This fabulous number was purchased at some trendy shop in the local mall. Totally psychodellic in nature, it is the exact opposite of what everyone would have expected me to wear. This number came complete with a matching jacket which I detest! I topped the number off with black 6-inch platform heels (shoes I absolutely adored until about a year later when I fell off them and broke the straps as opposed to my ankle).
---;-<@I can't say it was really a "hit" at the prom, but frankly, I didn't give a damn! I love this dress (still do when I'm in that funky-make-your-eyes-hurt sort of mood). I'm all about making statements and this one clearly says, "I think you people pop too much acid so now I'm going to fuck with your minds!" You really have to see this in the fabulousness of strobe lights to really get the full effect, but if you use your imagination, I'm sure you can appreciate its hideous nature!

@>-;---*---;-<@

As far as the Prom date goes, I'm afraid I'd prove to be quite a wallflower if I was able to attend. Not one to be a drag on others (and not wanting to stand anyone up) I really don't think I'll be needing a date.

@>-;---*---;-<@

As far as Prom songs go.

Let's see. I attended five proms in "Hickville, U.S.A" so you can bet that Garth Brook's "The Dance" was played at each of them.

@>-;---*---;-<@

And when it comes to Prom stories...

Funniest Prom moment: Prom 1998.

---;-<@My Senior Prom was a riot. My date couldn't make it, I didn't care. I gave my date's glass to my Freshman girlfriend. I spent the entire night with my two freshman girls and their dates.
---;-<@We went to the After-Prom and had a blast. We waited around to catch breakfast before we headed home. Since my Mom had told us not to cruise around, we decided to stop at a laundry mat. Why? Well what else is there to do in a tiny town at 5 am? We washed our clothes of course!
---;-<@Somewhere in the archives of my misspent youth are photos of me and "Sassy Bear" sitting on a wash machine in leather pants, high heel shoes our bras and her boyfriend's neck tie with our arms around each other and cigarettes in our hands. This laundry mat had a huge picture window that faced out onto one of the main streets in town, but we didn't care in the slightest. We spent the better part of the morning racing around the room in laundry carts and crawling in and out of the washers and driers.
---;-<@At one point Sassy ran outside in her bra to see if there was something funny under the car (this is directly related to a radio commercial I heard earlier that night, and checking under the car became a major past time for well over a week).
---;-<@As far as our bra-parading escapade, it was brought to an abrupt end when it dawned on us that the police car that just drove by may have noticed two shirtless teenagers dancing around in the picture window of the laundry mat. Thankfully, the guys offered up their shirts until our shirts were ready to be removed from the drier.
---;-<@The events ended with a quick breakfast and a Dodge Ram truck (it was red) slamming into the back bumper of my Caddy after I dropped everyone off that morning. Luckily, the only damage was a cracked taillight and a startled teenage girl who was in desperate need of sleep.

@>-;---*---;-<@

Thus ends my walk down memory lane. Now would someone please go check to see if there is anything funny under my car, because honestly, I'm too fat to do it myself this time (and I vaguely recall slamming my head in the car door not once, but twice when I attempted this on Prom night).

@>-;---*---;-<@

COME! JOIN THE FESTIVITIES!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO LAUGH AT THOSE OLD PHOTOS AND THE CRAZY SHIT YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE A TEENAGER!!

Another Moment to Bore You With

See what happens when a pregnant chick gets sick?

SHE GETS VERY BORING!

Why? Because, I've probably spent 36 of the last 48 hours sleeping in 4 hour intervals. I've read 1.5 books while sweating to death beneath the blankets.

Daddy Dearest has slept the past 2 nights on the couch because 1) he doesn't want to bother me 2) I wake up every few hours 3) his side of the bed has become home to my Kleenex supply and 4) the bedding is covered in cold germs.

While I can actually breathe for the first time in days, I still have that dry sore throat that comes with breathing through your mouth for two days and the hot-flashes have yet to subside. I'm still not sure whether it would be wise to venture down the block to do laundry today.

Meanwhile, my brain is fried and I'm entertaining myself with stupid surveys. Since you are obviously ENJOYING your weekend, while I remain in sick-prego isolation, I feel the need to torment you with this mind-numbing stupidity. This was question #1 on the latest survey I read. It is a post all in itself, and that's okay since the rest of the questions were just more pointless shit like "Do you close your eyes on a roller coaster?"

Have you ever been searched by the cops?
This is actually pretty good.

The date is March 16th, 1999. I have just spent the entire day surrounded by "The Disfunctionals" as we buried my dear great-grandmother who passed away at the ripe old age of 90-something. The back seat of my gigantic blue Cadillac is loaded with 15,000 things I had hauled back from my dorm room over Spring break. The funeral was hilarious, the funeral procession would have brought NASCAR fans swarming, the burial was comical, and the reception included a three-generation game of TAG (you can't help but celebrate a woman who lived as long as she did). So, while it was a sad day for our family, we made the best of it.

Late that night, my boyfriend and his mother got into an arguement and he left the house. I, of course, went to get him and bring him back. I'm driving around in my Caddy wearing a giant sweater that is actually longer than the dress I have on underneith it. I picked my boyfriend up on main street and noticed our local cop was coming down the street. (Let me point out here that this is a town of a couple hundred where everyone knows everyone!)

Knowing my boyfriend needed some time to cool off, we drive out of town. Officer "Fuckhead" follows us. It is very difficult to have a conversation with someone when you are nervously trying to assure that you do not violate any traffic violations with a cop directly behind you. Five miles down the road, I decide to turn around and go back to town. When I turned around, Officer "FH" had traveled far enough down the road that I could no longer see his lights. I headed back into town at exactly the speed limit. To my shock, looking in the rearview mirror, I realize that Officer "FH" has turned around and has caught back up to us. (Speed much?)

More than a little spooked (it's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere) I slowly drive around town, hoping that Officer "FH" will go away long enough for the two of us to talk. I did not get so lucky. After Officer "FH" has followed us for several blocks, I decide we need to find a well lit place to park the car so he doesn't think we're "fooling around in the back seat" or something. I parked the car in front of a friend's house and we procede to converse.

Officer "FH" circles the block several times. I must tell you this is very distracting when you are trying to calm someone down and convince them to return to their house. I finally came to the conclusion that Officer "FH" must think something strange is going on. To ease the mind of Officer "FH" I decide to go park in front of the other local cop's home. Certainly if I'm parked in front of a police officer's home there will be no doubt that we're not up to anything "fishy".

No dice. Officer "FH" pulls up behind my parked car with his bright headlight shining in my back window (no flashing lights, no siren) and walks up to my window. More than slightly peeved, I barely cracked the window & said hello. He addressed me by my name (okay, so there goes my defending him by saying he wasn't sure who I was) and demanded to see my license and registration.

I promptly asked him what seemed to be the problem.
He informed me that he asked for my license and registration.
I asked why he was pulling me over.
He said he wasn't pulling me over (clearly, the car was already parked).
I then asked him, "Well, then why do you need a license and registration?"
This clearly made him irate (and a bit irrational) as he informed me that "I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!! Let me see you license and registration!"
I cussed and gave them to him.
Officer "FH" then asks me to step out of the vehicle which I did.

We go back to his cruiser where he procedes to berate me with a series of 20 questions. "What are you doing? Where have you been? Why are you doing it? Where are you staying? blah blah blah."
I interrupt and say "Why have you been following us for the past hour and a half?"
He gets all defensive. He does the whole "follow my pen" sobriety test.
I continue to ask him why he is bothering us.
He skirts around the question.
I demand an answer for why he is harassing us.
He again yells "I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!!!" and procedes to run my plates through dispatch (I later learned he did this over a private airwave as he knew my mother had a police scanner). The minute he pushes his "talk" button, I clearly state "You crooked son of a bitch!" Of course, it was no surprise that my plates came back clean as a whistle.

Let me point out here that I grew up with this man's sons. Literally, I was probably at his house as much as I was my own. And the whole town knew that his son was the BIGGEST drug dealer in town!! So I was more than a little shocked when he had the nerve to ask if he could search my car!! "Excuse me?" He asked again! I'm practically laughing at this point.

I really wanted to ask him if his son had been in my car lately, but instead I said (and I quote), "If you really want to search through the two tons of shit I've brought home from college, you just get your happy ass out there and do it! But let me out of this fucking car!"

He agreed. I stood at the trunk of my car and my boyfriend stood at the hood of the car, while Officer "FH" procedes to try and search the back seat of my two door Caddy.

Finally fed up with this whole matter, I decided to take action. I reached into my coat pocket and retrieved my cell phone. It's about 2 am... this is so NOT going to be pretty!

I begin typing in numbers
... 3-2-1 ...
(Officer "FH" looks out back window and sees me with phone!)
... 5-5-5 ...
(Officer "FH" bangs his head on the roof of my car in a desperate hurry to get out of my vehicle!)
... 4-3-7-2 ...
(Officer "FH" is standing in front of me returning my license and registration!)
... My finger poised on "SEND" he asks one last question, "How old are you?"
(Think back now, had my license, has known me for the past 6 years, and his daughter-in-law is practically my sister only 2 weeks younger than me!)
I rolled off a good old military-style answer, complete with "Sir" and a crappy sallute to honor his 3 military children who aren't drug dealers!
Officer "FH" storms off to his cruiser and I pushed "SEND" to call MOM!!

Needless to say, Officer "FH" and my Mother do not get along in the first place. Even Cletus thinks the man is a worthless piece of crap. My Mother was not in the slightest bit amused by all of this, even less so considering she got woke up in the middle of the night after spending the day at a funeral.

The following morning the local Sheriff recieved a very heated explaination of why his Deputy was a major fuckhead and what legal actions she would take if he ever pulled something like this again with HER DAUGHTER! She further explained that should an officer in this county attempt to pull HER DAUGHTER over again, she had instructed her to call 9-1-1 and drive to the nearest police station.

Two days later, a State Patrol officer arrived at our home (per our request) to search my vehicle for any illegal substance that needed to be removed. Nothing was found and I am happy to announce that I never again had to deal with a police officer from that county again.

The moral of the story is:

"Crooked Cops should NOT fuck with MEAN-ASS Women and their Kids!"

Now see... that was bearable, if not slightly amusing. Stay tuned for more
"BORING-I'M-SICK-CRAP"
in the near future.
*ACHOO*

In Pursuit of BOREDOM!

As I yet remain congested, and over-all feel like crap, I am continuing my boycot of all things funny for yet another day.

So in a desperate search for boring blog material, I have searched Myspace message boards for stupid pointless crap! To no surprise, I found plenty of it, and will now bore the hell out of you with my mindless dribble.

Let the pointless droning begin:

Where were you 3 hours ago?
I was asleep under my covers practicing my newest "lose weight quick" scheme of sweating out a cold.

Who are you in love with?
Well Daddy Dearest of course!

Have you ever eaten a crayon?
Eaten a what? You're kidding right? No! To my knowledge I have never had the urge to chew on, let alone actually swallow, an artificially colored stick of wax!

Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Hmm... A spray can of lysol, an ink pen, a cigarette lighter, and an old journal.

When was the last time you went to the mall?
March 30th. I slipped in the back door of Sears to pick up a Smile Saver card at 50% off, and then I quickly slipped back out to my car and came home. Have you seen the mallrats these days? They're some scary people!

Are you wearing socks right now?
Ha! Nope. You're lucky I have underwear and a shirt on!

Do you have a car worth over $2000?
No, but the baby does! And Daddy Dearest does! I don't mind though, I've stolen the baby's car for the next umpteen years anyway!

When was the last time you drove out of town?
Last Tuesday we drove out to look at a house we want to buy.

Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No, the last movie we saw in the theater was Premonition

Are you hot?
Currently, no... give me a few minutes, I'll have a hot-flash!

What was the last thing you drank?
A glass of milk.

What are you wearing right now?
A grey, long-sleeved, night shirt and underwear! They're WHITE if you must know!

Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
I let Daddy Dearest do it.

Last food you ate?
Cheese and crackers... but a bagel is looming in the near future.

Where were you last week at this time?
Probably right here. Sundays are pretty dull for me.

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
No, the last thing I bought was some bandanas a few weeks ago.

When was the last time you ran?
Pregnant chicks don't RUN!! They don't remember when they last RAN!! They don't think they've ever RAN in their entire lives!!

What's the last sporting event you watched?
Part of a NASCAR race on April 15th while we were visiting family.

What is your favorite animal?
Doggies!!!

Your dream vacation?
A Carribbean Spa Resort!

Last person's house you were in?
Besides my own? We were in a strangers house last week looking to buy it. Before that, I'd guess Daddy Dearest's brother's house.

Worst injury you've ever had?
Probably cracking my head open when I was 7.

Have you been in love?
Several times

Do you miss anyone right now?
Of course I do. I always miss people when they aren't around, and since a lot of people aren't around very often, I miss a lot of people often.

Last play you saw?
Oooh... probably "The Importance of Being Earnest" in 1998 at the outdoor ampitheater in Spring Green, Wisconsin.

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I never was one to go "fishing" for a man.

What are your plans for tonight?
Sleep, Internet, Television, Sleep, Medicine, Bath, Sleep, Wash the sick-germs off the sheets if I decide I'm really feeling better, and Sleep MORE.

Who is the last person you sent a message to on Myspace?
My baby sister, wishing her a happy birthday!

Next trip you are going to take?
Well there's a doctor's appointment tomorrow. A baby due soon. But those are just a trip into town. I guess the next "actual trip" will be to Nebraska to visit my Crazy family (at least those I'm speaking to at the time!)

Ever go to camp?
Yep. 4-H camp a couple of times. An electrical camp (not as boring as it sounds). An academic camp (again, not boring at all). And then I was a 4-H camp counselor.

Were you an Honor Roll Student?
YEPPERS!

What do you know about the future?
Everything will be OKAY!!

What do you want to know about the future?
How much longer I have to carry this wrecking ball around on my stomach?

Are you wearing any perfume right now?
HAHA!! No! I've been sick! I probably smell like YARD ASS!!

Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
Matter of fact I've got one scheduled tomorrow. If I don't kick this cold before morning, I'll have two scheduled tomorrow.

Where is your best friend?
Which one? One's doing yard work & watching bulls, one's at work, and the other is probably "trolling"

How is your best friend?
Between a "rigged" NASCAR race and problems with a "mechanic" I'd guess their all in pretty crappy moods.

Do you have a tan?
LMAO... My natural skin color verges on transparent. Now figure that I'm pregnant and Mother Nature has not decided if it's Spring or Winter yet. What exactly is a tan?

What are you listening to right now?
The water in the aquarium, the clickity clack on keyboard keys, and the voices in my own head.

Do you collect anything?
FROGS!! And junk!! Old bottles!! More Junk!! And dust bunnies!

Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
My grandmother!

Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
Me personally? It's been a long time. I'm a very careful driver because I figure I'm WAY over due for a ticket of some sort.

Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
Why yes! Everytime I go through the drive-thru.

What does your last text message say?
"Hey sweetie, can't talk bc Ive got a nasty cold, but want 2 wish U a fabulous HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Love U bunches & tons. Stay out of trouble, Im 2 fat 2 bail U out." Sent it to my baby sis a few hours ago.

Do you like hot sauce?
I like mild sauce. I prefer not to have flames shoot out of my mouth, but I can handle some "heat" depending on what I'm eating it with.

Last time you took a shower?
Do you realize how much energy it takes to stand up and bathe all these extra inches? I haven't taken an actual shower in months. But I took a bath Friday night, and I'll take another one tonight once Daddy Dearest gets home to help me out of the tub.

Do you need to do laundry?
How did you know? Are you spying on me? There are clothes to wash and bedding to wash and here I am with a cold. It'll get done tonight or tomorrow.

What is your heritage?
English-Irish-German-Scottish-Swedish... aka Heinz 47... oh, there may be some Cocker Spaniel in there if you check my biological father's family tree closely enough.

Are you someone's best friend?
I sure hope so.

Are you rich?
HAHAHAHAHA! Sure! I'm vacationing on my yacht in the Carribean as I type this!

What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was popping some cold medicine, checking my email one last time, and curling up on the couch to wait for Daddy Dearest to get home from work.

Okay, you can WAKE UP now! I'm finally done. I know! You were sick of the mindless dribble ages ago. But you know what? I don't care! That's what you get when I get sick! WHY? Because I'm a big, fat, miserable, sicky and I want to WHINE about it! Why? Because I hate being sick! I hate everything about sickness! I hate it! And I'm a big, fat, miserable, sicky, WIMP about it!! So, DEAL WITH IT!!

Have I mentioned I have a hangnail that hurts, I ran over my toe with the chair, my sinuses could put Niagra falls to shame, the baby has her big toe in my spleen, and the doctor is going to check my "tonsils" tomorrow?

That's right! I'm whining! You're tired of it! I DON'T CARE!! Go sit on your porch and sniff your yard ass, have a Mike's hard lemonade, and shoot a sheep or something!!

I'm going to sit here in my own miserable (have I mentioned FAT?) self-pity and POUT!!

I WANT MY MOMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

*ACHOO*

*rubs snotty Kleenex on post*

HAHA!! See how you like it! I have officially CONTAMINATED you!!

ENJOY!

For Chris!

Dear Officer,

If you are reading this, then my dear blogger friend Chris has been carted off to jail after her latest "break down." As you further your investigation of today's events, please comsider the following:

• Chris has recently been adopted into a highly disfunctional family. I firmly believe that this may have contributed in some way to her highly unstable manner, thus provoking her recent actions. Please take this into consideration. It is very hard to distinguish "right" from "wrong" once you get wrapped up in the chaos of this mess.
• Chris was recently tagged to write a post about the letter "H". Hell, homocide, hypocrite and hysteria all begin with "h". Forming logical thoughts entirely out of words that begin with "h" can definately make one "halucinate" and find it "hard" to think in a logic manner.
• While you may believe the teenage boy to be an "innocent" victim of these events, I can clearly see that Chris was the true victim. "The Boy" was clearly distraught that Chris implied he "go comando" and chose to exact his revenge by attempting to stage an unfortunate "housecleaning accident" that would bring about her unfortunate demise. I seriously believe that Chris's actions were in SELF DEFENSE. It was either him or her and she wasn't about to wait around for his next attempt.
• Also keep in mind that this teenage boy was tampering with some seriously dangerous chemicals. From my experience, teenagers are dangerous around things as simple as "root beer" and there is no telling what they might do under the influence of garage cleaner!
• It is also evident that Chris's state of mind was clearly "blurred" by the toxic chemical reaction that was melting her tile floors. The fumes made it difficult to see through running eyes and choking fumes. I suspect that Chris's blog was simply a innocent venting that turned tragic when she mistook her "grounded teenager" for a burglar. Simply a case of mistaken identity and coincidence I'm sure!

As you can see, today's acts were committed in complete innocence (or instability) and Chris should not be held accountable for her actions at the moment. Clearly, many factors were involved and this was not just a simple case of homocide. Please, be certain that you examine all of the facts before you make a final decision on the charges that are pending.

In the mean time, please forward the following message to Chris as I am uncertain of the jail's address (and I rarely write real letters).

Thank you for your assistance,

Ellie's Mommie

--------------------

Chris,

In regards to your recent request for hair-fashion advice, I feel obliged to offer my extent wisdom. If you are of pale complexion (something I would expect from a winter-bound Wisconsin) I do not recommend my Mother's suggestion of dying your hair black. While it does go smashing with bright orange, it has tragic affects on the state of your skin color. However, my best suggestion does require you to suffer these ill effects for a few months in order to achieve hair-color-perfection! Therefore, if you find your stay in the local "facilities" to be an extended one, you may consider this an option.

First, you must spend several months dying your hair various shades of blacks, dark burgandies, etc. For most even results, I suggest doing this every week or so in order to keep the roots from becoming overly exposed. After a few months of this regimen, you then must request that a hair stylist (unfortunately, this step cannot be done on your own) attempt to make you a blonde! After the stylist recovers from his/her cardiac arrest, they will first attempt to apply the maximum strength of peroxide to your head. If you have done the previous "black" procedure properly, this peroxide application will prove completely uneffect and fully astonish your stylist.

At this point you may then suggest that he/she use an herbal compound called "diamond glitz". (To forewarn you of the impact this had in my life, I will note here that these events took place NINE years ago & I can still remember the name of the product!)

After this product has had time to work, you will be greatly disappointed to look in the mirrow and see that your hair is still this dark greyish color. Do not be fooled. This product cakes on your hair like mud and incases it in a mummy-like chemical reaction. Once your stylist rinse this mud cast from your folicles, you will sit up in your chair and SCREAM!

Your hair (which was mud grey sixty seconds ago) will suddenly be every shade of ORANGE imaginable. The tips of each strand (which have endured months of the dark-dying process) will be a gorgeous burgandy. Meanwhile, the roots of your folicles will be platinum blonde! The remaining portions of the strand will vary in color from blonde to burgandy the closer you get to the ends (This includes a florescent orange color in the middle which should match your jumpsuit PERFECTLY!)

Your stylist will immediately faint (assuring no payment necessary) and no one on the block will be able to duplicate your exact hair color without explicit instructions from you. OH, THE CONTROL YOU WILL HAVE OVER THE FASHION INDUSTRY!

I hope that these suggestions will help you to be more satisfied with your hair fashion during your unfortunate incarceration.

While I hope for your quick release and that all charges are dropped, you might consider milking the situation for all it's worth. Seriously, is jail really that bad (if you can avoid become BIG BERTHA'S LOVE PUPPET)?

Think about this:

• 3 free meals
• laundry service
• no screaming children
• cable
• access to furthering your education at the expense of taxpayers
• house-keeping
• free medical care
• vacations to various locations while you appeal the verdict of your trial
• and if it truly does turn for the worst you have the consolation of knowing you can order Steak & Lobster for your final meal... plus, they clean the injection site really good so you don't die from that last minute infection!

Best wishes from Blogland,

Ellie's Mommie

Today was brought to you by the letter F!

Have I mentioned I hate Mondays? Seriously, who the hell decided that Monday was so great? And who's bright idea was it to schedule all of my prenatal visits on MONDAYS? Seriously, what kind of shit is this?

Think I'm over-reacting? FINE! You like Mondays so much? You try starting your week out by having some jolly cheerful doctor check your tonsils via your nether regions!! Yeah! See how much you like Mondays then!!

MONDAYS SUCK!!

That being said, here's today's spectacular chain of events.

• Sleep in on my day off!
• Wake Daddy Dearest up for appointment.
• Make DD laugh all the way to town because "I can't feel the wind, turn on the AC!" We drove all the way there with the windows down and the AC on because "I can't feel the wind!"
• --------
• Nether-region tonsilectomy
• More epidural comments
• Baby & Mommie are both perfectly healthy
• Almost 38 weeks and no progress
• Doc is still optomistic but exact words were, "Now we just play it week to week. Not looking very promising right now. HAVE SEX!"
• Cuss obstinant unborn daughter for being too damn comfortable! GET OUT OF ME!!
• --------
• Waddle through Dollar Tree finding none of the things I went there to buy.
• Find one of the items on the front wall AFTER I've already paid for my junk.
• Glare at items and decided it just isn't worth it.
• --------
• Go to eat at Long John Silver's. Heart set on fish sandwich.
• Find that LJS is no longer there due to construction. No clue where it went!
• Settle for cheap-ass fish sandwich from the piss-colored arches!
• --------
• Get home, call realtor, schedule time to view a house, get address.
• Decide to go check out house in advance
• Driving down road (windows down & AC going)
• DD slows down and sticks head out window to check tire (I haven't mentioned how paranoid he is about vehicles)
• Laugh hysterically at DD when his hat instantly blows off and lands in the middle of the road behind us. (Guess he couldn't feel the wind either!)
• Go back to pick up hat
• Go check out house. It's fabulous, in the country, five acres, and we can afford it. Something will definately go wrong with the loan application process!
• --------
• Check out nearby road to see where it goes.
• Discover large tree down across entire road (I'm a "country girl" and I must say this is a first for me. The tree was blocking the whole damn road. AND the road was paved. Okay, so it was "lightly" paved, but still!)
• Come back home to fill out loan paperwork.
• --------
• Discover while we were gone "Parking-Challenged" has placed their vehicle smack dab between two parked cars. Said vehicle is strategically placed to prevent anyone from parking on either side of it.
• Park red car along tree line (not parking area)
• Move grey car closer to Parking-Challenged vehicle.
• Move red car beside grey car.
• Cuss continuously throughout whole process.
• --------
• Fill out loan papers.
• Find all necessary documents.
• Spend a moment admiring my "skills" at writing my divorce decree and settlement.
• Call boss and ask for tomorrow off to view house and meet with loan department.
• --------
• Clean closet.
• Daddy Dearest (holding stuffed animals that go in closet): "Let's play catch!"
• Me (not ready to put stuffed animals in closet): "No, I'm not ready for them!"
• Daddy Dearest (grinning): "Okay, then we'll play dodgeball!" (proceeds to pelt me with stuffed pink pig and 50 squishy frogs)
• --------
• Reorganize baby furniture.
• Cuss because apartment is too small for all our shit and a baby!
• --------
• Pig out on stir-fry.
• --------
• Write pointless blog about day's events.
• --------
• Go to bed thankful that MONDAY IS OVER!!!

So I wasn't online yesterday because I was sleepy. I wasn't on today because I HATE MONDAYS!! And I probably won't be on tomorrow because I'll still be recovering from Monday (a good "fix" of HOUSE might help!). Guess I'll talk to you all on Wednesday!

Much love and HAPPY BLOGGING!!

Oh yeah, just to make me feel better . . .

FUCK MONDAY!!!

Alphabet Game

This post was brought to you by the letter "K"

Karate kid kangaroo kicks K's knotting kidneys
Kitchen karma keeping know-nothing K klutzy
Kindhearted knight kisses kooky K

Killjoy kin kindles knockdown
King knucklehead keeps kingdom's keepsakes
Knowledgeable kid kindly keeps key knick-knacks
King's knife kills kind kid's karma
King's kickback knits kneedeep kinked knowledge
K's keen knowhow killed kindred kindness

Kamikaze Koran killers
Keen kleptomaniac kaiser kidnaps kittens

Keyboard keystroke kaput

K's Kooky Keepsakes (just for KICKS!)

• 1-kilogram Kumquat Keg
• 1 Koala Kennel
• 1 Knitted Kilt Kit
• 1 Kooky kaliedoscope kazoo
• Kosher Ketchup Kelp & Kiwi Keilbasa Kabobs
• 10-karat krypton
• 1 Kayak keel kickstand
• Kinesiology for Kindergarten
• 1-kiloliter kneecap kettle
• 2 Khaki karate kerchiefs
• Klutzy kitchenware kite
• Knightly kickboxing knickers
• 1 Kerosene keeping knapsack
• 1 Kitty-killing knocker
• 1 Keno kiosk
• 15 Kneaded kale kernels
• 4 Kangaroo knees
• 2 Kestrel knuckles
• Kickoff Knighthood

Just so you know... that was KRAZY!!!

OMG You're NUTS!!

So I was skimming through pregnancy boards (my second favorite past-time these days) and found a woman who had reponded to a question. The question and response aren't important. What got me was in her "signature" she lists her children.

#1. Grace - 8 lbs.
#2. Melissa - 9 lbs 4 oz.
#3. Johnathan - 12 lbs 10.5 oz
#4. David - 9 lbs 13 oz
#5. Allison - 9 lbs 5 oz
#6. Boy EDD May 23rd

My first thoughts were . . .

1. SIX KIDS!!
2. OMG! THEY'RE HUGE!!!
3. Did you need to clarify that extra half ounce on a 12+ pound baby?
4. Did Johnathan's birth announcement list the weight or just say "FUCK!"
5. Have you started writing "smaller than the last one"?
6. How could you ever have sex again after a 12+ pound baby?
7. Are you a glutton for punishment?
8. 12 POUNDS!!

The Alphabet Game

Wanna play? Check out the rules (and entries so far) here.

The letter "E"

Essay Explaining Evolution

Enter
Echoing erotic escapade ensues
Each extremely exciting embrace entices exhilarating effects
Ejaculation efforts embedded emerald embryo exactly
Extended elaborate expert examinations ensure exotic extraterrestrial exists
Everyone expresses extraordinary elation
Eventually environment eases establishing endearment
Excellent enthusiasm elevates enchantment
Easily evident expansion everywhere
Endless enlargement exhausts every experience
Everything evokes extreme emotions
Estrogen error escalates
Explosive eruptions evident every evening
Evidently eating everything edible endorses elephantitis
Excessive engorgement evokes empathetic exclamations everyday
Everlasting eras elapse
Estimated eviction eagerly expected
Everybody encourages early epidural elixir
Emergence expects excruciating elements
Enduring energy essentially employed expels Earthling
Expect exalting experience exceeding every elating enjoyable expectation
Exit

Brought to you by the letter "B"

This is 100% my mother's fault! She has challenged an alphabetical blog. She began with the letter "a" and I (being the show off I am!) have accepted the letter "b". Feel free to check out her rules and take the next letter.

-----~~*~~-----

Ballistic broad blasting bleating baabaas.
Borrows booze, buys bullets, but balances boredom.

Babbling baroness balms baby belly butter.
Birthright barely bearable but brilliantly beautiful blessing.

Blissful bitches begin belligerently beating badly behaved bastard brats.
Believe both belong behind bars but best befriend batty businesswomen.
Bothered but blending bubbly bourbon beverages brightens body.

Baby brain blogged B’s but believes beginning blogger be big bad butthead.

-----~~*~~-----

*BANG BANG BANG*

Slacking off again!

Okay... so I'm frigging LAZY!!

KNOW WHY?

Because I have a friggin parasitic demon child sucking out every last shred of SANITY & AMBITION!!

• I don't even have the energy to go leave a Death Threat for Karla (let me tell you, it greatly disturbs me that I've slacked off to this extent, because normally I would jump at an open invitation like this!)
• I certainly haven't had the energy to build something as spectacular as the Great Wall of Judy! (I might be able to point and say, "you should put that over there!")
• I would have fallen dead on my feet if I was running Mole's Deli Relay (can you say, "Desk job is kicking my butt these days"?)

Are there any other things I've slacked off on this week?

OF COURSE!

• I haven't checked my fellow bloggers!
• I haven't added a certain blogger to my list (though subconsciously this could be on purpose!)
• I haven't done laundry.
• I haven't cleaned house.
• AND
• I've rarely taken the time to put on CLOTHES! (be jealous... or SCARED!)

So what have I found the time to do?

• I took a fabulous nap on Monday.
• I purchased some cheap Easter gifts for my neighbor's kids.
• I watched HOUSE.
• I rented three movies to keep me entertained for the week.
• I watched Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" with Daddy Dearest.
• I came to terms with the fact that I spent $2.99 renting a movie I had already seen but forgot!
• I took another nap tonight.
• I talked to my Mom & Mole.
• I walked across my livingroom a couple of times!
• And I manage to drag my fat-happy ass to work every morning on time!

SO... If you're disappointed in my total lack of ambition...

I don't give a sheep's TURD whether "I complete you" or not. I'M TIRED!!!

But I will say this...

"You COMPLETE Me!"

That's right! I said it! You get me through my day!

YOU COMPLETE ME!!!

Keep making me laugh! (It wears me out so I can catch some healthy shut-eye!)

I Need New Blog Sites

As you can see, my list of "20 crazy people" has three listings who have failed to make me laugh this month.

Tragically, they will need to be replaced with someone who can provide me with some comic relief! There is way too much seriousness in this world and I simply cannot accept going an entire month without having something to laugh about.

So, if you know of anyone who can fill the void in my life, please leave me a comment about them so I can check out their site.

I am willing to promote more than 20 sites through the month of April in the hopes of finding some steady amusement. At the end of the month, the top 20 sites will remain on "20 crazy people". In the event that I feel reluctant to delete someone, I will consider revising my list length or creating another section for bloggers I enjoy.

Come on readers! Offer up some suggestions! Think you're funny enough to make the list! Feel free to pimp yourself!

WOOHOO!!

As you can see, I've spent my Saturday trying to figure out how to create an awesome header.

Props to me!!

Of course I have no idea how I did it... so the real challenge will be to see if I can ever change it. But I thought it was cool nonetheless!