Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Kitchenitis Spreads


Here I thought that the Kitchen Incidents were isolated events limited to the parameters of my family members who are obviously Kitchen-Challenged.


Browsing the net, I stumbled upon a blog site that I enjoy reading occasionally. Skimming down through her blogs I find on titled "No Carrots Were Harmed in the Writing of this Post!"


Reading through her blog I was overwhelmed by her kitchen incident (and a sudden desire to pee my pants!)

From the soup she made to her dark kitchen, it is obviously clear that she has been struck by this horrifying disease! As I know from other blogs that she lives in Texas, I am greatly concern by the vast coverage of this disease. I can only hope that it has been limited to occuring only within the Midwest.

Please read her blog "No Carrots Were Harmed in the Writing of this Post!"

Monday, January 22, 2007

My Kitchen Gave Me Strep

In a never ending quest to blame all of life's problems on the KITCHEN!! I have found yet another KITCHEN complaint.

I believe that KITCHENS cause strep throat!!

You may laugh, but let me explain.

All my life I have avoided kitchens. They are frightening, scary, and make me break out in hives. In my apartment, I am easily able to avoid the kitchen (as it is at the back of the apartment) and must only enter a corner of it to access the refridgerator. On a rare occasion, I must fully enter the kitchen to fill a glass with water or use the microwave. In these incidences, I am careful to hold my breath for as long as possible and not inhale the potentially toxic KITCHEN air. Thankfully, my apartment is also strategically designed so that the kitchen actually takes up the smallest possible space. This lessens the amount of kitchen contamination relative to the rest of the apartment.

Unfortunately, on a recent trip home, I was exposed to my mother's much larger kitchen, as well as the kitchen of my grandmother. In total my visit lasted several days and most every activity required that one pass through the kitchen area. After this prolonged exposure to these kitchen molecules, I was suddenly overcome with illness. Upon reporting to the doctor, I found that I had strep throat. Strong antibiotics were prescribed which should have eliminated this infection in my body.

After completing all of the medication, I was finally feeling better. Had this been an isolated event, I would have thought no further on the matter. However, this weekend, finally feeling well and having energy for the first time in a while, I decided to be kind to my sweetheart. I bravely entered the kitchen, not once, but twice!! Completing in total, two whole loads of dishes and sending my darling dearest into a state of shock!

Quite suddenlylast night, I was overcome with a very sick feeling which remained there until morning. Upon visiting my doctor, I found that I once again had strep throat! Even the doctor was confused by this, as I had taken my prescription religiously and finished the entire bottle as directed.

The only possible explanation is that my good deed resulted in over-exposure to kitchen contaminants which thus caused me to become ill for a second time.

I must warn you that kitchens are the most dangerous part of your home. The AKAA (Anti-Kitchen Association of America) estimates that 52% of kitchens are more contaminated than 37% of bathrooms. While a recent study sponsored by the HWAKH (House Wives Against Kitchen Hazards) indicates that kitchen utensils are one of the most common weapons used by disgruntled housewives. Killer Kitchens Digest recently reported the following stories "Blenders: Puree or Pure Evil," "101 Deadly Kitchen Utensils," "The Hazards of Frozen Pizzas," and "10 Things Your Coffee Pot Knows About You!"

Please be aware of the hazards in your kitchen. You too could fall victim to its destruction. I realize that everyone seems to believe that kitchens are necessary, but I urge you to fight this common misconception. Manufacturers of kitchens would have you believe that they are an important part of daily living. Meanwhile, they are sweeping the facts under the kitchen mat.

If you or someone you love have been the victim of a kitchen related accident or illness. Please contact an attorney and seek compensation from the manufacturer of your kitchen. These companies have been aware of the dangers for years, yet they fail to warn the public of the disturbing statistics.

If you feel that your kitchen is an important part of your lifestyle, please take the following precautions:

  1. Always limit your exposure to the kitchen area to as little time as possible. Accidents are most commonly reported with prolonged exposure to the kitchen (i.e. Cooking, Washing Dishes) I suggest tasty microwave dishes and disposable utensils to limit the amount of time you would normally spend in the kitchen area.
  2. Always inform another person if you are planning to enter the kitchen area. In the event of an incident, this person will be able to contact the proper authorities and get you assistance.
  3. Never rush to the assistance of someone who has been involved in a kitchen incident. This is a dangerous situation and no one wants to have two kitchen victims. If possible, ask the victim to leave the kitchen area so that you may safely treat them outside of the kitchen. If the victim is unable to remove themselves from the kitchen, carefully assess the scene before trying to remove them from the kitchen area.
  4. If buying or designing a home, keep in mind the location and size of the kitchen. Smaller kitchens produce fewer kitchen toxins and are less likely to infect you while you are in other parts of your home. All rooms should be easily accesable without having to enter the kitchen area. If at all possible, a kitchen should have a door or partition which isolates it from the rest of the home.
  5. Never place a table or any seating arrangement within the kitchen area. These items of furniture may only encourage you to sit in the kitchen area, thus resulting in over exposure. Always eat your meals in the dining room or living area of the house.
  6. Place commonly used kitchen items (i.e. Fridge, salt & pepper, coffee pot, etc.) as near to the kitchen's exit as possible. This will limit your exposure to the kitchen whenever you need to access these common items.
  7. Despite the warnings, many people find that they cannot help but repeatedly expose themselves to the kitchen areas. This is a horrible addiction which results in thousands of kitchen incidents each year. Many go unreported due to the shame the victim feels from being a kitchen-addict. Remember that help is available. Know when to QUIT. Call 1-888-NO-KITCHEN.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Another Kitchen Attack

So it seems that the Anti-Can Opener has spread it's "disease" to further areas. Unfortunately, my dear cousin has fallen victim to this horrible string of kitchen mishaps. The poor girl was unexpectedly blindsighted by an attack while preparing a pizza the other night.

Apparently, she placed said pizza into a properly prepared oven with tender loving care. After some time, the obviously distraught pizza choose to cry out in agony by setting off the smoke detectors. Through the piercing screams of the smoke detector (which was obviously sympathizing with the pizza) and the choking smoke which was apparently leaking from her oven, my cousin managed to remove said pizza.

Surveying the damages, she concluded that the pizza was still in a semi-edible state. At this point she places the pizza onto a plate and prepares to cut it into more manageable slices for eating purposes.

Obviously, the pizza had not been cooked nearly long enough, because it still had the energy at this point to resist her cutting by jumping off the plate to the floor below. Landing right-side-up, I can only assume that the pizza intended to make a quick get away. Meanwhile my cousin was left holding her throbbing finger which had not only been burned by the super-heated sauce flung at her as a diversion, but had also been sliced by the pizza cutter in the process of the escape.

Luckily, the pizza was so traumatized by its grueling experience that it was unable to complete its plan and was quickly scooped up by my cousin.

After examining the pizza for any life-threating contaminents, she decided that she would have her revenge at last. She was finally able to sit down and devour the pizza.

Those who would say that a burnt, bloody, dusty pizza should just be throw away have never tasted the sweet, satisfying taste of VICTORY!

As I was not personally witness to the horrifying incident, and have only recieved this information through a third party, I can only make my best assumptions on how the whole event progressed. Please, forgive me if any of the details are incorrect, but I feel that it is very important to warn kitchen-goers everywhere that they may be in grave danger! Please, consider this a serious WARNING. Kitchens everywhere are under attack! No one knows where the terror will strike next. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!

Monday, January 1, 2007

About Me

27 years old

Trying desperately to overcome my disfunctional family.

Currently enjoying my sinfully unmarried life with Daddy Dearest and our precious angel.

Residing somewhere between the edge of my sanity and OZ!

Trying to fight my packrat tendancies, but finding it hard to part with my much-valued junk.

My DVD's are alphabetized.

My crayon box and closet are both arranged by color.

I'm totally addicted to my camera.

I use the word "that" too much when I write.

I'm anal about typos.

I'm slightly neurotic and occasionally eccentric in thought.

My favorite color is cornflower blue.

Love the smell of alfalfa, rain, fresh linens, and cucumber melon.

I don't think cow manure stinks too bad.

I don't drink tap water. I prefer well water or bottled water.

Like peanut butter and dill pickle sandwiches.

I graduated with a class of 19.

I educate our nations youth.