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Monday, January 22, 2007

My Kitchen Gave Me Strep

In a never ending quest to blame all of life's problems on the KITCHEN!! I have found yet another KITCHEN complaint.

I believe that KITCHENS cause strep throat!!

You may laugh, but let me explain.

All my life I have avoided kitchens. They are frightening, scary, and make me break out in hives. In my apartment, I am easily able to avoid the kitchen (as it is at the back of the apartment) and must only enter a corner of it to access the refridgerator. On a rare occasion, I must fully enter the kitchen to fill a glass with water or use the microwave. In these incidences, I am careful to hold my breath for as long as possible and not inhale the potentially toxic KITCHEN air. Thankfully, my apartment is also strategically designed so that the kitchen actually takes up the smallest possible space. This lessens the amount of kitchen contamination relative to the rest of the apartment.

Unfortunately, on a recent trip home, I was exposed to my mother's much larger kitchen, as well as the kitchen of my grandmother. In total my visit lasted several days and most every activity required that one pass through the kitchen area. After this prolonged exposure to these kitchen molecules, I was suddenly overcome with illness. Upon reporting to the doctor, I found that I had strep throat. Strong antibiotics were prescribed which should have eliminated this infection in my body.

After completing all of the medication, I was finally feeling better. Had this been an isolated event, I would have thought no further on the matter. However, this weekend, finally feeling well and having energy for the first time in a while, I decided to be kind to my sweetheart. I bravely entered the kitchen, not once, but twice!! Completing in total, two whole loads of dishes and sending my darling dearest into a state of shock!

Quite suddenlylast night, I was overcome with a very sick feeling which remained there until morning. Upon visiting my doctor, I found that I once again had strep throat! Even the doctor was confused by this, as I had taken my prescription religiously and finished the entire bottle as directed.

The only possible explanation is that my good deed resulted in over-exposure to kitchen contaminants which thus caused me to become ill for a second time.

I must warn you that kitchens are the most dangerous part of your home. The AKAA (Anti-Kitchen Association of America) estimates that 52% of kitchens are more contaminated than 37% of bathrooms. While a recent study sponsored by the HWAKH (House Wives Against Kitchen Hazards) indicates that kitchen utensils are one of the most common weapons used by disgruntled housewives. Killer Kitchens Digest recently reported the following stories "Blenders: Puree or Pure Evil," "101 Deadly Kitchen Utensils," "The Hazards of Frozen Pizzas," and "10 Things Your Coffee Pot Knows About You!"

Please be aware of the hazards in your kitchen. You too could fall victim to its destruction. I realize that everyone seems to believe that kitchens are necessary, but I urge you to fight this common misconception. Manufacturers of kitchens would have you believe that they are an important part of daily living. Meanwhile, they are sweeping the facts under the kitchen mat.

If you or someone you love have been the victim of a kitchen related accident or illness. Please contact an attorney and seek compensation from the manufacturer of your kitchen. These companies have been aware of the dangers for years, yet they fail to warn the public of the disturbing statistics.

If you feel that your kitchen is an important part of your lifestyle, please take the following precautions:

  1. Always limit your exposure to the kitchen area to as little time as possible. Accidents are most commonly reported with prolonged exposure to the kitchen (i.e. Cooking, Washing Dishes) I suggest tasty microwave dishes and disposable utensils to limit the amount of time you would normally spend in the kitchen area.
  2. Always inform another person if you are planning to enter the kitchen area. In the event of an incident, this person will be able to contact the proper authorities and get you assistance.
  3. Never rush to the assistance of someone who has been involved in a kitchen incident. This is a dangerous situation and no one wants to have two kitchen victims. If possible, ask the victim to leave the kitchen area so that you may safely treat them outside of the kitchen. If the victim is unable to remove themselves from the kitchen, carefully assess the scene before trying to remove them from the kitchen area.
  4. If buying or designing a home, keep in mind the location and size of the kitchen. Smaller kitchens produce fewer kitchen toxins and are less likely to infect you while you are in other parts of your home. All rooms should be easily accesable without having to enter the kitchen area. If at all possible, a kitchen should have a door or partition which isolates it from the rest of the home.
  5. Never place a table or any seating arrangement within the kitchen area. These items of furniture may only encourage you to sit in the kitchen area, thus resulting in over exposure. Always eat your meals in the dining room or living area of the house.
  6. Place commonly used kitchen items (i.e. Fridge, salt & pepper, coffee pot, etc.) as near to the kitchen's exit as possible. This will limit your exposure to the kitchen whenever you need to access these common items.
  7. Despite the warnings, many people find that they cannot help but repeatedly expose themselves to the kitchen areas. This is a horrible addiction which results in thousands of kitchen incidents each year. Many go unreported due to the shame the victim feels from being a kitchen-addict. Remember that help is available. Know when to QUIT. Call 1-888-NO-KITCHEN.

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