Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

The Anti-Can Opener

So, here I was trying to figure out what to have for a snack today and I decided on tuna salad, cheese and crackers. When I went to the kitchen to make this tuna salad concoction, I discovered that I owned a kitchen utensil that I did not even know existed.

I own an Anti-Can Opener!

What, you may be asking yourself, is an Anti-Can Opener? I wondered the same thing. I pulled out what appeared to be an ordinary Can Opener, only to discover that is was an Anti-Can Opener. How clever of it to disguise itself as a Can Opener!

Now you may be asking yourself, "Well, what does an Anti-Can Opener do?"

That is a very good question! I honestly have not figured out the true purpose of an Anti-Can Opener. I have, however, discovered that it is NOT to open cans. The procedure went as follows:

I removed what I believed to be a can opener from the drawer and retrieved a can of tuna from the cupboard. I carefully placed the can opener on the can, as you would normally do, and then proceded to turn the handle. I expected the top of the can would be sliced away from the can revealing the tasty tuna treat below. Instead, the handle spun freely and the can remained unopened.

Realizing that the blade of the can opener had not pierced the top of the can (we've all had this happen before), I carefully replaced the can opener on the can and squeezed the grips tightly. I expected to hear that all too familiar *pop* as the blade made that initial slice into the lid. There was NO *pop*!

Removing the can opener from the can, I examined the lid closely. There was a slight indentation in the lid where the blade had "touched down" and the rim of the can was now slightly bent. Unfortunately, I was no closer to having an open can of tuna which I could savor.
Replacing the can opener on the can in a different spot, I squeezed the grip as hard as I could. Another indentation and bent rim, but no cut. After several similar attempts, I decide to move the blade slightly in the hopes of finding a place on the seemingly dull blade that would penetrate this resilliant tin can.

Having repeated THIS process several times, determined to get my can of tuna opened, I was finally blessed to hear that much need *pop* sound as the blade pierced the lid of the tin can.

AHHHH! Just moments away from tuna salad!

Or not!

You see, here is where the Anti-Can Opener reveals it's true talent. It appears that not only is the Anti-Can Opener designed to NOT open cans. It is also designed to render said can, UNOPENABLE! Let me explain:

As I turned the handle to make the can opener progress around the edge of the can, I learned that every place I had made a previous attempt to open the can was now indented too far for the blade to cut through.

After one complete rotation, I had a can lid that appeared to be perforated rather than sliced. On top of this, the Anti-Can Opener has an additional talent of stripping the paper label off of the can. So now I have a can of tuna, with a ribbon of sliced paper label, and perforated lid that refuses to allow me access to the tuna it contains.

A second rotation around the lid of the can, reveals yet another talent of the Anti-Can Opener. Each time the blade is forced to cut through one of these places that was previously uncut, it causes a vicious jerking action. At this point the can is impossible to hold on to. Ironically, this can, which is not yet open far enough to remove the tuna, is open just far enough to allow the fishy smelling juices to escape during sudden jerking movements. Thus covering, my hands and the counter in fishy tuna juice.

After repeated repositionings and several jerking slices through previously unsliced areas, I finally had a lid which was only attached in one place.

Relieved, I pried my can open, removed the paper label ribbon cuttings, mixed together my tuna mixture, and sat down to enjoy my snack.

So, as you can see the Anti-Can Opener is designed to do four things:

1) Not open the can
2) Render the can even more difficult to open upon further attempts
3) Create festive paper ribbons from the can's label
4) Make a mess of your kitchen while trying to open the can

A further irony is that this annoying little device (which apparently kicked out my previous Can-Opener, as well as my extra Can-Opener which was nowhere to find during this crisis), has even greater talents than I could have ever expected.

You see, this little inconvienence is obviously able to either predict or affect the future (at this point I'm not sure whether it was an OMEN of things to come or the CAUSE of things to come). Regardless, either is an incredible talent.

As I sat down to enjoy that lovely snack I had prepared, little did I know that I was in for a suprise. Precisely nine tuna loaded crackers later, I was overcome with an incredible (and very sudden) bout of sickness. Amazingly, I made it to the bathroom in time (barely) and felt just as well afterwards as I had moments before. I have not had morning sickness in about two weeks and I had not eaten anything else that might have reacted poorly with the snack. I returned to the livingroom afterwards and continued my snack with no ill effects.

The fact that the nausea came and went so quickly makes me think that perhaps the Anti-Can Opener is actually a cursed item. At this point, I have no solid proof of this strange alligation, but I will continue to keep you posted on the situation. It definately makes me wonder what happened to my extra can opener.

Until these alligations can be either proven or disproven, I highly suggest if you find yourself in the possesion of an Anti-Can Opener, that you take protective measures. First thing is first, gather up all other can openers in the area and see to it that they are put in safe places far away from the Anti-Can Opener. Secondly, be wary of roaming too far from the bathroom. If at any point you find that you may be unable to reach a bathroom, I highly suggest keeping a trash can or plastic bag quite near to you. Thirdly, check back here often to recieve updates on the source of the Anti-Can Opener's powers and how to repair or dispose of the Anti-Can Opener in a suitable manner.

Until then, BE SAFE!

**NOTE: In the event that you are suddenly unable to contact me for an extended period of time, please forward this message to the local authorities as it may be of great assistance to them in their investigation of my disappearance.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The Stamp

Last August I sent an email to my Uncle and asked him to please print it off and deliver it to my grandparents who live a few blocks from him. My grandparents recieved their letter from me and sent me a letter in the mail, but I soon recieved a message in my inbox from my Uncle.


I was more than happy to deliver your note to Ma & Pa. It arrived at our house okay. But, while driving across town, I ran over something that destroyed my tire before flying up and cutting my oil filter. I sat down my beer and changed my tire. Just as I was finishing, a cop pulled up to help. After seeing the open beer bottle, he started asking a lot of questions that I didn't have time, or desire to hear. This is when my friend "Bud" started thinking that we could out run said copper. About a mile down the road, Bud remembered the damaged oil filter. The loud knocking noise was the first hint. Bud and I discovered a Tracker will go about 1.4 miles with no oil. At this time, Bud is thinking, "Cops eat a lot of donuts, I'll bet we can out run him on foot." After only 3 or 4 steps, the nice copper tackled me on the ground. He offered me a ride and gave me some bracelets, so here is your bill for delivering your letter!
1 tire...................................$ 67.45
1 oil filter............................$ 6.75
1 Motor installed................$1500.01
Bail.....................................$ 300.00
Fines...................................$ 700.03
Insurance Increase.............$3500.04

Just shitten ya! I'll be glad to forward your letters.

Revised Billing

This was my response to my Uncle's bill:



I have reviewed the bill you sent me very carefully and I have concluded the following:
Goodyear tire estimates that the average motorist in North America travels about 12,000 miles each year. The delivery that I requested was appoximately a 1.2 mile drive. Considering that, the mechanical repairs on your vehicle should be reduced to 1/10,000th of the total. (approximately 16 cents) Considering you likely would have driven this distance regardless of whether you were delivering my letter or not, I feel that you are still responsible for 1/2 of the remaining cost. Making me responsible for 8 cents of your mechanical repairs.

Now let's address your criminal charges. The way I see it 99% of these charges should be blamed on your friend "Bud", who apparently gave you very ill advise in a time of crisis. Of the remaining 1%, I must hold you 99% responsible for listening to your friend as we all know he doesn't have the best history for good advice. The remaining 1% of that should be equally split between myself and your wife, whom obviously made you drink that beer. Thus, my conclusion in regards to your criminal costs is that Bud should be responsible for $3762.04, You should be responsible for $37.62. The remaining 39 cents should be split between me and your wife, making me responsible for 20 cents.

Finally, we will address the matter of your raised insurance in the amount of $3500.04. First, as insurance is based on the driving history of the insured drivers, we must first cut this amount in half and place half of the blame on your wife. This reduces said bill to $1750.02. Next, the way I see it is you have been driving for approximately 30 years which adds up to 10950 days. My letter was involved in just one of these days and therefor I feel I'm only responsible for 1/10950th of your driving history. Using these figures, I estimate that my responsiblity for your insurance costs are 16 cents.

The revised bill is as follows:

1 tire, 1 oil filter, 1 engine installed.............$0.08
bail, lawyer fees, & fines...........................$0.20
raised insurance cost...............................$0.16
Total cost to me.......................................$0.44

Now, normally, I make around $9.00 an hour giving advice to students and assisting with problems. Due to the fact that you have done so much free mechanical work for me in the past, I'm going to do you a favor and provide you with equally valuable advice for a flat rate of 44 cents.

First, I must recommend that you forget your wife is partially to blame for this misspent adventure and write it off as the price you pay for "marital bliss"

Secondly, though I don't think it will do you much good, you should send a bill to your friend "Bud" in the amount of $3762.04 for your criminal costs. Here, I must advise you that Bud is a bad role model for you. He is a bad influence on your fragile sensibilities and he will only lead you to further trouble in the future. Perhaps you should consider cutting all ties with him and find more positive influences in your life. Word on the street is that Bud is a bad guy. He's been seen in the company of many bad characters like Jack, Jose, and even the notorious Mary Jane. More often than not, he seems to be associated with criminal activities world wide. You need to find out who you are and stop letting Bud tell you who should be. I know you like Bud and he's fun to be around, but considering your history together I just don't think that he is a very good friend to you. How many nights has Bud spent in jail for you? Think about it.

Oh, and last but not least, I recently spent several months typing up divorce papers to make sure my ex had to take responsibility for all of the expenses of his misspent adventures, so I'm pretty good at this delegating financial responsibility stuff.


You didn't think I was just going to sit back and take that did you? Once I picked myself up off of the floor from laughter, I had to find some way to get out of this bill. Thanks for delivering my letter, I got a letter from Grandma in the mail today.

Take care,


All Points Bulletin

After reading the emails from my Uncle and me, my mother sent this out to family members:


Please put out an APB. I am in desperate need of coupons for Depends underware. You see if my brother and my daughter continue to negotiate this bill, I will be out of clean underware.

When I read my brothers bill to my daughter for delivering her mail. I laughed so hard I cried.

When I read my daughters answer, I laughed so hard I peed my pants.

Now I have been in this family long enough to know this is not going to end in the near future.

You see, we believe it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt, then it's even funnier.

So if you could start gathering coupons i would be forever grateful.

love and respect to all


Here's the last letter from my uncle. I never did get around to responding, but I'll come up with something one of these days.



In a shameless attempt to get out of paying a bill, you have attacked all my friends. After telling them about your comments, there replies were as follows:

Mary Jane said, "I need to weed out the bad kin and smoke 'em!"

Jose responded with "Senor Rojo been berry berry good!"

Jack thinks you hate him because he's black!

Then there's Bud. Bud cannot believe the terrible things you, a fellow horse lover, said about him. He wonders if you realize that a total disassociation with Bud would result in 5 majectic Cleidsdales starving to death? And wonders if you should be teaching our youths.

Till next time,