Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

All Points Bulletin

After reading the emails from my Uncle and me, my mother sent this out to family members:


Please put out an APB. I am in desperate need of coupons for Depends underware. You see if my brother and my daughter continue to negotiate this bill, I will be out of clean underware.

When I read my brothers bill to my daughter for delivering her mail. I laughed so hard I cried.

When I read my daughters answer, I laughed so hard I peed my pants.

Now I have been in this family long enough to know this is not going to end in the near future.

You see, we believe it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt, then it's even funnier.

So if you could start gathering coupons i would be forever grateful.

love and respect to all

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