Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Don't be a hypocrite!

You're okay when the school censors clothing that promotes alocohol, tobacco or drugs.  You're okay when the school censors clothing that implies inappropriate behavior.
You're okay when the school censors how short skirts can be, even if that means the cheerleaders are not allowed to wear their uniforms to school.
You're okay when the school censors chains, trench coats, bandanas, head bands and jewelry.
You even recommend that the school should censor some of the books that are extremely graphic and intense.
However, the minute someone points out that your pep club t-shirts might be taken the wrong way, you are instantly pissed to hell and back!
I'm sorry that it didn't click in your mind.  Clearly, it is an issue you need to take up with your husband.  Thankfully, I am not the only person who totally understands how someone could take your "logo" the wrong way.
Yes we may be sickos.  We may be perverts.  We may need to get our minds out of the gutter.  But that is besides the point.
"GIVE US SOMETHING TO SCREAM ABOUT!"  can be taken wrong on so many levels.
The madder you get, the more I think you are just jealous that some of us have something to scream about!!!
And if my memory serves me right, I do recall a few cheerleaders who had something to scream about on the bus ride home from the game.
You want to censor things, you're gonna have to get over it and choose a new logo.
Sorry if it hurt your feel bads, but I'm just speaking the truth.  You can't have one set of rules for the school and another set for your organizations.
I still vote you leave the shirts the way they are.  But I'm a trouble making bitch like that who loves to see "upity" people all freaked out over stupid bullshit.
Better yet, get T-shirts that say:
That'll piss em off!

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Saturday, November 24, 2007

Yes, She ALWAYS smiles for the camera!!

We're #1

I'm a little munchkin child!!

Come any closer and I'll sock you one!


Happy Holidays!!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

My latest accomplishment!

About a week ago, I recieved a postcard from an "anonomous" mailer letting me know that there would be a party for my great-uncles birthday.  Since my mother had recieved a phone call a few days prior, it was no surprise that there was a party.  It was, however, a surprise to find the postcard in the mail THE DAY BEFORE the "party"!!  Unfortunately, much like our summer camp out, I was unable to attend on such a short notice!
Upon closer examination, I realized that the "mystery mailer" had suddenly forgotten my name!  I realize that I haven't spoken to anyone in a while, but I'm pretty sure there are enough gossip-mongers around to spread the news if I had run off with the pizza boy and changed my name to SNITZLEBOGGER MCGOOGLETON!!
Further examination, revealed my address was wrong, which probably (along with no last name) contributed to the late arrival of my postcard.  I find it very difficult to believe that the "mystery mailer" was capable of remembering my zip code, but somehow forgot my house number by accident.
At this point I became a little bit irked.  Honestly, why in the world would you take the time to invite me to a party and then intentionally forget my name, miswrite my address, and then not even sign the postcard (I mean photograph you wrote on the back of) with your name or return address?  WHAT A WASTE OF A STAMP!!  If you were trying to punish me, you might start by keeping me away from things I like.  Eating dinner at a cheesy western bar with a bunch of 70-year-olds is not my idea of great excitement!!  Gee, real sorry I missed out on all that excitement!!
So today, I finally found the time to be a real BITCH!
I sent a postcard with these two maps on the front:
Nebraska Highway MapKansas Highway Map
Then, I took a knife and cut out a square in Nebraska where my parents live, and a square in Kansas where I live.
Written in the upper left, it says:
Since you find it
so hard to simply
for being WRONG!
Written in the bottom right:
Maybe it
will be easier
if you just
On the back I wrote:
I'm not dumb enough to believe you lost my
address or accidentally forgot how to write it
correctly.  I'm not stupid enough to think that
you forgot what MY LAST NAME WAS!  And
I don't think it's a coincidence that your post-
card arrived in my mail the day before the party!
Since you can't act like adults, please forget
where I live, lose my address, erase my phone
number AND forget any "holidays".
didn't give a shit when it mattered so don't
bother them now!
Along the bottom edge I placed our latest family pic, a pic of Ellie, and two 3-generation photos.  Of course, I couldn't resist strategically placing hearts over Ellie's face in ALL of the pictures! (that was the influence of my mother & co-worker)
Then I wrote near the pictures in small print:
Does this make
you mad?
I'd apologize
but I don't
think I've done
Hand written along the middle edge it says:
Looks like childish bullshit is contagious!
Since I wanted to be sure my postcard arrived, I did not omit the last name... instead I mispelled it henDICKS!!!  Then I addressed it to the wrong P.O. Box (40 instead of 42).
I will be mailing this postcard today or tomorrow... oh the joys!

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Friday, November 9, 2007

Guess Who?

Mommie & Ellie on Halloween 2007 at the Mall.

Dressed up as a school girl with an apple!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

When Grandma & Grandpa Visit

Once upon a time in a tiny little apartment there lived three little bears. A Daddy bear, a Mommie bear, and a baby Ellie bear. One weekend, Grandma Bear and Grandpa Bear were visiting. The first night, all of the Bears piled into the little one bedroom apartment and everything was fine and dandy.
On the second day, Grandma Bear, Mommie Bear and Baby Ellie Bear went shopping and had their pictures taken.

Baby Ellie Bear had a couple of pictures taken of herself too.
But she was not impressed when Mommie Bear and Grandma Bear decided to smother her in kisses.
After some more kisses, a lengthy shopping spree, and a stupid cashier who thought I wouldn't say anything about $8.11 cents worth of coupons that she just sat aside without crediting... the Lady Bears went back to their small cave resort.
Later that evening Goldilocks stumbled by with her two cubs dressed for Halloween. The genearal assumption is that Goldilocks wanted to ask Mama bear to give her a ride to the Halloween party, but since Goldilocks has been especially crappy lately (and Mommie Bear thinks she'd make an entertaining tether ball) Grandma Bear answered the door with teeth bared. Goldilocks did not ask if we had any chairs, porridge or cozy beds, but instead went begging elsewhere. A wise decision since I'm not sure I had any toothpicks around for Grandma Bear to pick her teeth with. Also, I don't think there's enough Listerine in the world to get that BAD TASTE out of Grandma Bears mouth.
Anyway, all was good and fun. Grandma and Grandpa Bear seemed to have a good time and we enjoyed having them here to visit. Hopefully next time they visit, we'll have a little bigger cave to give us all a little more elbow room.
Love & Kisses,
** Stay tuned for the tortures of Halloween and other pictures snapped this weekend.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Fabulous Deals 10/21

Since I'm a Mommie now, I'm always on the look out for fabulous deals, freebies, and good coupons. Cousin Mole, having given birth to Deadbeat Dyke's lovechild, is also on the lookout for good deals. As a result, I'm dedicating a whole new section to shopping bargains, excellent coupons, and freebies. Anytime I find something awesome/useful/relatively handy, I'll post it to share with all.

What makes me different from other people who list free stuff? I don't list the "SCAMS".

FREE-LOADER TIP #1 - if you are looking for free things and the opening screen simply asks for an email... don't do it, they'll spam your address, plus they always require you to participate in their programs. Bad sites are brandarama.com and anything that looks too good to be true.

FREE-LOADER TIP #2 - you may want to sign up for a free email address just for the freebies. I won't send you to any spam sites, but some of the companies send you emails and eventually you'll get bogged down in crap. I get so much spam I don't notice, but it's just a thought.

FREE-LOADER TIP #3 - I do not guarantee any of these freebies to arrive. I'll make a note if I did receive my sample and I'll try to let you know the size, quality, and if it had coupons. But honestly, I get so many samples anymore that I can't keep track of them.

FREE-LOADER TIP #4 - I can't guarantee the offer is still there. Walmart changes their samples often so check back to their site often. I've gotten some good samples from them (Dry Cleaner Sheets, Purex Detergent & Softener, Listerine Whitening Strips, etc.) They're always changing them. Other offers expire or run out of supplies.

Hope you can get some use out of some of this

Today's picks:

Upromise - If you have a credit card you're willing to register OR shop at certain stores (Dillon's, Gerbe's, Baker's, GNC, Walmart.com, etc.) you can sign up free at this website and a percentage of your purchases for certain products (Tylenol, Flintstone vitamins, certain groceries, etc.) will be saved toward a college fund for your child, a friends child, etc. Check it out! (I'm a member & I'm happy with it)

Tylenol Recall - In light of the recent recall for Infant Tylenol Cold & Cough products, Tylenol is offering you a coupon for $5 off a Tylenol product (Expiration date 11/19/07) It's a printable coupon, so you may be asked to install the coupon printer, but it's no big deal. Click the link at the bottom of the recall notice to print coupon. (Coupon printed no problem)

Rebate on Polident Denture Care - Haven't tried it, but it's a company site so it's safe if you're interested.

(I got tired of typing Free Sample)

Smokers - Free Sample of Nicorette Red - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

Hairapy - Free Sample of Sunsilk Shampoo/Conditioner - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. Get another free sample HERE. (Got this one from Walmart. One application shampoo, one conditioner, one after shower conditioning stuff, plus a coupon)

Tylenol PM Rapid Release - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

NurtaSweet - Available at Walmart.com. Fill out mailing and email address, answer a couple questions and bingo. Takes about 30 seconds. (just requested, but walmart samples are reliable)

Baby Formula - Free Sample of Parent's Choice Gentle (Walmart Brand) - Fill out the information and they will send you a bag of formula (1 day supply, no coupon) - Did it, got it, gave it to a neighbor when she ran out the day before payday. Just fill out your mailing address, email, and answer a couple questions. Another 30 second easy one.

Baby Formula - Another Free Sample of Parent's Choice Milk Formula - Same website as above, just a different formula. You can request samples of both. (Did it! 1 Day supply, no coupon.)

Baby Bowl from Beechnut - Sign up for their email newsletter and they'll send you a bowl for your baby. (Got it!)

Dove Cool Moisture hair care - Fill out easy form, get a free sample. I love dove samples, they aren't cheap crappy samples. They usually come in the trial size containers, but I haven't gotten this one yet so who knows. Get another Dove hair care sample HERE. Again, haven't gotten this one so not sure on the size.

Reviva Skin Care - Never heard of the company, haven't signed up yet, but it's another easy form to fill out.

Murad Intensive Wrinkle Reducer - Again, don't know much on this one, but if your interested, it's not a scam.

Always - Fill it out for your daughter (mine's 5 months old so I guess I'll get the samples, but anyway) you'll get free samples for a happy period (yeah right!) Want more Always Samples click HERE. Prefer Tampex? Get them HERE. (I have gotten some samples from Always - not sure it's the same request, but they came with cute stickers and a sticky note pad). How about Kotex? Or Playtex?

L'Oreal Skin Genesis - This one came the other day, small sample packet and it might have had a coupon, can't remember. Click pink hexagon when screen loads.

Eucerin Calming - Simple form. Haven't done it.

Lotion sample from The Healing Garden - Simple form. Haven't got it.

Dove Energy Glow Lotion - Got this one it was a trial size bottle. It's a lotion with a light tanner in it. Have I mentioned I love Dove?

Dove Proage - I got the deoderant. Love it. Also came in a trial size container with coupons.

Garnier Nutritioniste - This one's from the company site so I'm sure it's the real deal, but I haven't done it yet.

CoffeeMate - This one says I can't republish their offer and since I'm not sure what that means, I'll just tell you to check out this link before October 31st if you enjoy a little something extra in your morning coffee. (I know I said not to go to sites that start out just asking for your email, but this one's okay. It's the company site.)

Sensodyne Toothpaste - Get a sample of ProNamel and a regular Sensodyne sample. Requires sign up with GlakoSmithClyne or whatever the company is. Did it today so haven't got samples yet. Teeth still not clean enough? Get some Aquafresh Extreme Clean (prints a buy one free coupon, must activate coupon printer) and then get more Aquafresh coupons under "Savings & Special Offers:

Reach Access Flosser - Link to free flosser on right side of screen. Also a link to printable coupon. Did it today.

This one is for Adult's over 18 only - Durex lubricant - I'm not fond of this brand so I haven't done it, but it might be worth someone's interest. If you prefer Astroglide, get a sample of that HERE. (got it - enough said!)

And with that, "I'm Spent!"
Have a great week!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

What a STEAL!!

Why I am the total BOMB?
I went to Sears on Sunday (and MONDAY) and bought the following items on clearance!  You really need to look at the prices on these items... it's INSANE!
in brown . . . cost? . . .  $1.99 (Originally $29.99)
Modal Cami Solid
in red . . . cost? . . . $0.89 (Originally $16.00)
Petite Classic Fit  Straight Leg Jean
cost? . . . $1.49 (Originally $29.99)
Tube Dress
in green . . . cost? . . . $2.69 (Originally $39.99)
cream w/ floral print . . . cost? . . . $0.99 (Originally $11.98)
So lets see... if you share the jeans with the two tops I bought 4 outfits (2 dresses, two jean/tops)
The retail value of the clothes was . . . $127.95!!!
How much did I pay?  $8.05!!!
Do you see that?  RIDICULOUS!!!  4 outfits for $8!!  I can't even buy a pair of sweat pants at Wal-Mart for that price!!  CRAZY!!
Speaking of Wal-Mart... they do make my weekend sales list.
On Saturday, I bought the following there:
Riders - Juniors Tab Buckle Capri Jeans
cost? $4.00 (Originally $18.92)
No Boundaries - Juniors Tie-Neck Tank
cost? $4.50 (Originally $5.77)
a pair of sexy red high heels for $7.00 (Originally about $28)
Yeah... I'm a BARGAIN WHORE... you're just jealous!

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Wednesday, October 3, 2007

So what's my excuse this time?

Apparently, there's a magic loop that I too have been left out of (stupid place is probably full of Hippies and Construction workers anyway!)
But since people are starting to worry that the leprechans will never send out a proper RANSOM letter, I figure I ought to make it known that I stole their pot of gold (rainbow and all) and ran off to Cancun with a happy cloud named Benny! 
So keep your pennies and buy some more vicadin because I don't need your box of Fruit Loops.  I have enough mental problems of my own, please don't make me cope with yours also.
When my coworker read to me what my mother emailed her, I suddenly came to the tragic realization that someday the time will come for me to put my mother in a nutty farm.  I simply have not got enough money to build her a properly constructed fully padded room where she cannot injure herself. 
First of all, my mother is a complete CLUTZAHOLIC and secondly, I worry that if left unsupervised, she just might begin sticking Rice Crispies in the hopes that the *SNAP*
will drown out the voices in her head. 
rice krispies.jpg
Besides, do you know how expensive it would be to keep supplying her with books and crayons to eat?  I love my dear mother, but I have to draw the line at cereal snorting crayola consumers!
If it is not obvious to you yet, I will point out the simple fact that I am just as crazy as my mother.  Yes, I'm a few fries short of a happy meal! 
My elevator doesn't go to the top floor!  And I have seriously contemplated the quantum physics required to keep your balance while spinning around in the front yard in the middle of the night in the rain until you fall down in the drainage ditch and nearly drown.  But, I have one thing that YOU PEOPLE DON'T!!
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I am genetically prone to being WHACKO, WIERDO, PSYCHO, NUTTY, etc.  The Bonkers bug bit me on the ass long before I came into the odd little world.  I was destined to spend my life in a state of SEMI-DELERIUM.  If you got out the microscope and checked my genes, you'd find little people screaming from their straight-jackets.  And what am I supposed to do about them? 
I can't kick them all out on the streets so we have a bunch of miniture psycho homeless people begging for pennies in front of the supermart!!  Can you imagine the chaos?  People like you would be walking around and you'd see this tiny little psycho person and you'd total FREAK!  The mass hysteria that would result would cause a boat load of guilt that I'm not sure I could handle.
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So, CLEARLY, I'm INSANE!!!  But what's YOUR EXCUSE??  Hmmmm... do tell me why all of you "normal" people do STUPID SHIT?  I do stupid shit because my genetics cause chemical imbalances which send mixed messages to the neurons and wreak havoc on my passive state of mind.  YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE!!!  You do stupid shit because you are genetically prone to being STUPID!!  Just accept it!

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