Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Fairytales and Funny Letters

Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away, there lived a beautiful princess in a magnificent palace. And every morning the princess would wake with a beautiful smile and kiss her parents and tell them how much she loved them....

Okay, I'm full of shit! Honestly it wasn't a land far away... it was Kansas... and it wasn't a beautiful princess... it was a deceptively gorgeous baby girl who was secretly hiding her demon heritage behind those pretty eyes... and it wasn't a palace, it was a 1-bedroom low-income apartment that certainly doesn't have enough room for the spoiled princess's toys... and she didn't wake every morning with a smile, she screamed to be fed and changed and played with... and she didn't tell her parents she loved them, she PUKED on everything they owned and when especially thrilled she even PUKED on them!!

That being said...

Dear Mrs. Mother of the Flaming Psycho -
Maybe, if your daughter hadn't threatened to KILL the housing director she wouldn't be getting kicked out. Maybe if your daughter didn't leave her kids home alone all the time, she wouldn't be having all these problems. Maybe if you daughter had one ounce of human decency this wouldn't have happened. And MAYBE trying to run her car through the housing director's front lawn at 6 AM wasn't the smartest thing she could have done. So maybe she shouldn't be talking about what a bitch the housing director is and how it's all her fault! Maybe, you should turn her over your knee and give her the proper paddling she deserves rather than trying to ruin the housing director's life. And MAYBE if you come to my apartment with a tape recorder, I will not only tell you how much I like the housing director, but also let loose with how much I hate that bitch that used to live in the apartment down on the end! Yes, we're having a block party to celebrate her eviction. Yes, we are all very happy she is gone. Granted, I had alterior motives for wanting her gone (i.e. empty 3-bedroom means my neighbor moves out & I get her 2-bedroom!) However, I still think your daughter is a bitch and am very happy that she is gone!
Good Riddens!

Dear Student Who Didn't Think I Could Give a Detention,
Luckily for you, the fact that you mistook me for an 18-year-old high school student saved your butt and made me feel extremely generous. Plus, I got quite a laugh out of the fact that you were shocked to know I had a child. Normally I give out A's for such "flattery" however, the fact that you refused to read during class and thought I was lying made me a little less generous.
Be More Careful

Dear Neighbor's Soon To Be Ex-Husband,
I realize that in your mixed up little brain you somehow believe that you are a more fitting parent for your son. However, I find it very hard to believe that you could handle one night alone with your child when you can't even bother to take him on the days he is scheduled to be with you. You can't take him on weekends because it will interfere with your "plans." You can't take him when he has an ear infection because he'll keep you up all night. You can't keep him if you have to work, or hang out, or pee. Do the world a favor and stop trying to villify the one GOOD parent he has in his life. Oh, and don't bother trying to make a bad guy out of Mommy's boyfriend either because frankly, he does more for the kid that you do. I give tons of points to any guy who goes out and buys diapers for his girlfriend's child because Daddy didn't do it!
Dead beat!

Dear High School Girl Who's Playing Both Sides of the Fence,
You seriously need to grow up. As if two people in the middle of a divorce don't have enough issues, you have to go back and forth filling Daddy in on the details of Mommy. That would be entirely one thing, except that in your little teenage mind there is not enough excitement around so you decide to stretch the truth and tell him that Mommy doesn't take care of the kid, has drugs in her house, doesn't clean and is lazy. Seriously! GET A LIFE! And don't try to tell me she's lazy either because I live right next door! DUH!!
Take thy DRAMA elsewhere!

Dear People Who Think They Want To Visit Me:
I hope you are prepared to put up with all the local DRAMA, or that you are equipped with ANTI-DRAMA suits to repell the deadly effects of other people's fucked up lives.
Good Luck


Dear Neighbors New Husband,
I'm sorry you had the unfortunate business of meeting my former MISTAKE at one point, but I have to be honest. I laughed my ass off at this... "Did they call him Whitesnake?"... "Well, honestly I thought he was a FAG!"

And P.S.S.

Dear Willie,
I realize that you were rather shocked to have three good looking girls tell you good-bye when you were playing pool at RCM last weekend. I know that you were trying very hard to figure out who we were. I'm sorry that I didn't come up and say hello to you when you came in, but frankly, I didn't like you much when I was married to your cousin so I didn't see the point. So, since I'm feeling sorry for the fact that you've been racking your brain to figure it out, I decided to give your balls a break and fill you in. I'm the BITCH who used to be married to that ALBINO asshole cousin of yours. Now stop scratching and the chafing will go away soon!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Oh Kiss Off and Have a Giggle At My Expense

Update: It should be noted that the Evil Munchkin from the Flaming Realms of OZ was exterminated in order to make room for the FemiNazi terrorist that I carried in my womb for nine months and who aspires to someday be a world dictator!!

Things you should know about the newest member of the crime villian family:

  1. Clearly she drinks too much soda, dirties too many dishes, goes through too many outfits and has too damn many toys. That is the only explanation for the state of my household.
  2. Her internal clock is set to go off precisely 1 hour after Daddy goes to bed and two hours before Mommie wakes up for work.
  3. The fluid retention mechanism in this child's stomach is pre-programed to malfunction precisely 15 minutes before Mommie is ready to go out with the "girls." It is uncertain whether this malfunction is triggered by the color of Mommie's lipstick, the smell of Mommie's clean clothes or the sound of Mommie putting her keys in her purse. Due to the fact that someone has intentionally removed the maintence sticker from this child which I am certain contained a toll-free number for technical assistance, we are currently unable to correct this major malfunction.
  4. The number of outfits this child dirties in one day is precisely equivilant to the number of ounces she eats during any given 24-hour period, multiplied by the number of hours she spends awake.
  5. The number of grey hairs that Mommie and Daddy acrue is equivilent to the number of dirty diapers, plus the number of dirty outfits, times the number of times the pacifier is refused, plus the number of minutes she screams.

All prospective visitors to my home should come prepared with several changes of clean clothes. As a general precaution it may be wise to take your dirty socks and rub them on as cologne to counteract the scent of clean laundry which I am certain agitates this child to no end. Guest should also be equipped with ear plugs (I recommend the ear muffs that they use on the shooting range as this child has developed an new sound which could easily break the sound barrier and is exactly the right pitch to shatter glass.) In addition, I suggest that guest be fully prepared to stand in an upright position and be capable of hold a baby while wiping their ass.

Childbirth classes they don't teach (but should):

  • How to Crap & Breastfeed in Unison
  • The Wild World of Baby Fluids
  • The Musical Stages of Child's Screaming
  • Elevation and it's Affects on a Child's Crying
  • The Horrors of Breastfeeding and Nipple Tattoos
  • 101 Reasons Your Child Might Fuss
  • Doctors Don't Know Everything
  • Balancing a Baby on a Budget

That being said, I adore my baby girl and I wouldn't trade her for the world. There is one more class that should be offered to all expectant mothers: 1 Million Ways a Baby Can Melt Your Heart!!

Love and Hugs to All

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Dear Evil Munchkin From the Flaming Realms of OZ:

I realize that this is a very small apartment, but there are only 2.5 people living in it at this time and I simply see no reason why it needs to look like a tornado went through it. Seriously, if I start digging through things, I imagine I will find two feet sticking out from under the edge of a wall, complete with ruby slippers!

I will take partial responsibility for the dirty dishes piling up on the counter. I can even accept the trash that is waiting to be hauled out (can't take trash out while there's a maniac on the loose - at least that's my excuse!) Not to mention the fact that I'm too busy following your strange gremlin tracks around in the hopes that I can catch you and make you take the trash out!

However, I simply cannot understand the 15,000 Starburst wrappers that are fornicating on my desk! And what's with the miniture armada of paper airplanes sitting on the printer?

Honestly, your fun little games are not amusing me. I was especially not impressed when you decided to start breaking various appliances. I realize we don't have the newest appliances, and things are bound to break from time to time, but was it honestly necessary to break both the fridge door and the television at once?

Okay, so maybe we should have taken a closer look when the fridge door didn't shut the first time. Maybe, instead of assuming it was just a piece of shit that didn't seal on the first push, we should have investigated. Maybe slamming the door and cussing at it was not the correct reaction. But who in their right mind would have guessed that something was stuck in the door and that the bottom hinge would break as a result of slamming it? Do you realize how many times I've slammed that fridge door? Why? Because it's notorious for being a piece of shit. Who would have guessed it would actually break? I fully believe that you, Evil Munchkin, waited until the perfect moment to place a small, seemingly invisible item in the door to purposely break it. I am not amused! Though I am greatly appreciative of my brand spanking new fridge, I do not believe that you intended such good fortune to fall upon us. As a result, I am now determined that you hide in our new refridgerator and freeze my milk despite the fact that the fridge is set to the lowest (warmest) setting!! WTF?!?!

And the TV!! What did the TV ever do to you? Okay, so the plastic casing had a little crack in it from when Daddy Dearest tripped over it in the middle of the night. No big deal. But why, when Daddy Dearest decided that the picture on the small TV was better, did you decide to chisel away at the crack until Daddy Dearest sat the TV down and the whole thing collapsed? Was that necessary? Do you realize how ghetto my TV looks now? Yes, I like the big TV better, but you can't read the words on the guide and you can't read the captions on the storm warnings and you can't tell if the thing in the background is a tree or the serial killer sneaking up, but hey. I only watch 2 shows: House and Law & Order. If it's House, I assume the guy on the ground is sick. If it's Law & Order, I assume the guy on the ground is dead. Yes, I could put the big TV back up until we can pick up Daddy Dearest's TV this weekend, but I decided it's kind of nice getting to watch more than two shows, since I can actually read the guide to know what they are! So yes, I will watch my ghetto, backless TV that is being supported by a poisonous jar of toxic Peter Pan peanut butter. I will smile at the creativity of Daddy Dearest and hope that I don't have any unexpected guests in the next few days. And I will laugh as I force Daddy Dearest to throw a fully functioning TV into the dumpster because HONESTLY, we are not that FUCKING POOR that we need to keep a 20-inch backless TV around "just in case".

So as you can see, Evil Munchkin, I am in no way impressed with your Full Moon antics. Making a soda can explode on Daddy Dearest right before he headed to work. Not cool! Mysteriously knocking down anything in my shower that is held up with a suction cup (especially in the middle of the night). Annoying! And what the hell are you doing with all of my fingernail clippers? I swear!

I have had to place tracking beacons on all of my socks, since you insist on following me to the washer and stealing them. I now count socks before I take them to the washer, as I place them in the washer, as I place them in the dryer, and again when I fold them. I have so far managed to keep all socks paired with an appropriate match. I believe instead that you are now stealing underwear and silverware. I hate to fathom what strange place setting you have created in your Evil Munchkin dining room.

I am hereby issuing a warrant for your immediate eviction from this apartment. All individuals have been informed to squish you on site. If you cannot behave like a civilized part of society, I will be forced to call in an exterminator. Don't think for one moment that your band of cavity-ridden Lollipop kids and your flying monkeys will be able to protect you.

The Great and Powerful Ellie's Mommie!!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Proof of Life

Random Conversation for your entertainment (On our anniversary in the hotel spa)

Me: Once upon a time there was a...
Daddy Dearest: MAN
Me: And he wanted to...
Me: But he didn't have a...
Me: So he used a...
Me: But it...
Me: And so he...
Me: The End