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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Oh Kiss Off and Have a Giggle At My Expense

Update: It should be noted that the Evil Munchkin from the Flaming Realms of OZ was exterminated in order to make room for the FemiNazi terrorist that I carried in my womb for nine months and who aspires to someday be a world dictator!!

Things you should know about the newest member of the crime villian family:

  1. Clearly she drinks too much soda, dirties too many dishes, goes through too many outfits and has too damn many toys. That is the only explanation for the state of my household.
  2. Her internal clock is set to go off precisely 1 hour after Daddy goes to bed and two hours before Mommie wakes up for work.
  3. The fluid retention mechanism in this child's stomach is pre-programed to malfunction precisely 15 minutes before Mommie is ready to go out with the "girls." It is uncertain whether this malfunction is triggered by the color of Mommie's lipstick, the smell of Mommie's clean clothes or the sound of Mommie putting her keys in her purse. Due to the fact that someone has intentionally removed the maintence sticker from this child which I am certain contained a toll-free number for technical assistance, we are currently unable to correct this major malfunction.
  4. The number of outfits this child dirties in one day is precisely equivilant to the number of ounces she eats during any given 24-hour period, multiplied by the number of hours she spends awake.
  5. The number of grey hairs that Mommie and Daddy acrue is equivilent to the number of dirty diapers, plus the number of dirty outfits, times the number of times the pacifier is refused, plus the number of minutes she screams.

All prospective visitors to my home should come prepared with several changes of clean clothes. As a general precaution it may be wise to take your dirty socks and rub them on as cologne to counteract the scent of clean laundry which I am certain agitates this child to no end. Guest should also be equipped with ear plugs (I recommend the ear muffs that they use on the shooting range as this child has developed an new sound which could easily break the sound barrier and is exactly the right pitch to shatter glass.) In addition, I suggest that guest be fully prepared to stand in an upright position and be capable of hold a baby while wiping their ass.

Childbirth classes they don't teach (but should):

  • How to Crap & Breastfeed in Unison
  • The Wild World of Baby Fluids
  • The Musical Stages of Child's Screaming
  • Elevation and it's Affects on a Child's Crying
  • The Horrors of Breastfeeding and Nipple Tattoos
  • 101 Reasons Your Child Might Fuss
  • Doctors Don't Know Everything
  • Balancing a Baby on a Budget

That being said, I adore my baby girl and I wouldn't trade her for the world. There is one more class that should be offered to all expectant mothers: 1 Million Ways a Baby Can Melt Your Heart!!

Love and Hugs to All

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Since I'm a huge fan of SNUG, I have the correct form of ear protection.

Since I garage sale, I have the correct amount of changes of clothing.

Since I'm Grandma, I can stand up right, wipe a shitty ass, change a diaper,AND EAT MY LUNCH.. all at the same time..

Since she's my only grandchild, I bought her more toys today..

Since, I know where you live, I'll see you in a couple weeks..

love, MOM mie