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If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

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And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Fairytales and Funny Letters

Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away, there lived a beautiful princess in a magnificent palace. And every morning the princess would wake with a beautiful smile and kiss her parents and tell them how much she loved them....

Okay, I'm full of shit! Honestly it wasn't a land far away... it was Kansas... and it wasn't a beautiful princess... it was a deceptively gorgeous baby girl who was secretly hiding her demon heritage behind those pretty eyes... and it wasn't a palace, it was a 1-bedroom low-income apartment that certainly doesn't have enough room for the spoiled princess's toys... and she didn't wake every morning with a smile, she screamed to be fed and changed and played with... and she didn't tell her parents she loved them, she PUKED on everything they owned and when especially thrilled she even PUKED on them!!

That being said...

Dear Mrs. Mother of the Flaming Psycho -
Maybe, if your daughter hadn't threatened to KILL the housing director she wouldn't be getting kicked out. Maybe if your daughter didn't leave her kids home alone all the time, she wouldn't be having all these problems. Maybe if you daughter had one ounce of human decency this wouldn't have happened. And MAYBE trying to run her car through the housing director's front lawn at 6 AM wasn't the smartest thing she could have done. So maybe she shouldn't be talking about what a bitch the housing director is and how it's all her fault! Maybe, you should turn her over your knee and give her the proper paddling she deserves rather than trying to ruin the housing director's life. And MAYBE if you come to my apartment with a tape recorder, I will not only tell you how much I like the housing director, but also let loose with how much I hate that bitch that used to live in the apartment down on the end! Yes, we're having a block party to celebrate her eviction. Yes, we are all very happy she is gone. Granted, I had alterior motives for wanting her gone (i.e. empty 3-bedroom means my neighbor moves out & I get her 2-bedroom!) However, I still think your daughter is a bitch and am very happy that she is gone!
Good Riddens!

Dear Student Who Didn't Think I Could Give a Detention,
Luckily for you, the fact that you mistook me for an 18-year-old high school student saved your butt and made me feel extremely generous. Plus, I got quite a laugh out of the fact that you were shocked to know I had a child. Normally I give out A's for such "flattery" however, the fact that you refused to read during class and thought I was lying made me a little less generous.
Be More Careful

Dear Neighbor's Soon To Be Ex-Husband,
I realize that in your mixed up little brain you somehow believe that you are a more fitting parent for your son. However, I find it very hard to believe that you could handle one night alone with your child when you can't even bother to take him on the days he is scheduled to be with you. You can't take him on weekends because it will interfere with your "plans." You can't take him when he has an ear infection because he'll keep you up all night. You can't keep him if you have to work, or hang out, or pee. Do the world a favor and stop trying to villify the one GOOD parent he has in his life. Oh, and don't bother trying to make a bad guy out of Mommy's boyfriend either because frankly, he does more for the kid that you do. I give tons of points to any guy who goes out and buys diapers for his girlfriend's child because Daddy didn't do it!
Dead beat!

Dear High School Girl Who's Playing Both Sides of the Fence,
You seriously need to grow up. As if two people in the middle of a divorce don't have enough issues, you have to go back and forth filling Daddy in on the details of Mommy. That would be entirely one thing, except that in your little teenage mind there is not enough excitement around so you decide to stretch the truth and tell him that Mommy doesn't take care of the kid, has drugs in her house, doesn't clean and is lazy. Seriously! GET A LIFE! And don't try to tell me she's lazy either because I live right next door! DUH!!
Take thy DRAMA elsewhere!

Dear People Who Think They Want To Visit Me:
I hope you are prepared to put up with all the local DRAMA, or that you are equipped with ANTI-DRAMA suits to repell the deadly effects of other people's fucked up lives.
Good Luck


Dear Neighbors New Husband,
I'm sorry you had the unfortunate business of meeting my former MISTAKE at one point, but I have to be honest. I laughed my ass off at this... "Did they call him Whitesnake?"... "Well, honestly I thought he was a FAG!"

And P.S.S.

Dear Willie,
I realize that you were rather shocked to have three good looking girls tell you good-bye when you were playing pool at RCM last weekend. I know that you were trying very hard to figure out who we were. I'm sorry that I didn't come up and say hello to you when you came in, but frankly, I didn't like you much when I was married to your cousin so I didn't see the point. So, since I'm feeling sorry for the fact that you've been racking your brain to figure it out, I decided to give your balls a break and fill you in. I'm the BITCH who used to be married to that ALBINO asshole cousin of yours. Now stop scratching and the chafing will go away soon!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

All I can say is SHIT and your Dad always thought the albino was a fag.

I think the exact phrase was, WHO THE FUCK IS THE BRIDE HERE???