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Friday, January 12, 2007

Another Kitchen Attack

So it seems that the Anti-Can Opener has spread it's "disease" to further areas. Unfortunately, my dear cousin has fallen victim to this horrible string of kitchen mishaps. The poor girl was unexpectedly blindsighted by an attack while preparing a pizza the other night.

Apparently, she placed said pizza into a properly prepared oven with tender loving care. After some time, the obviously distraught pizza choose to cry out in agony by setting off the smoke detectors. Through the piercing screams of the smoke detector (which was obviously sympathizing with the pizza) and the choking smoke which was apparently leaking from her oven, my cousin managed to remove said pizza.

Surveying the damages, she concluded that the pizza was still in a semi-edible state. At this point she places the pizza onto a plate and prepares to cut it into more manageable slices for eating purposes.

Obviously, the pizza had not been cooked nearly long enough, because it still had the energy at this point to resist her cutting by jumping off the plate to the floor below. Landing right-side-up, I can only assume that the pizza intended to make a quick get away. Meanwhile my cousin was left holding her throbbing finger which had not only been burned by the super-heated sauce flung at her as a diversion, but had also been sliced by the pizza cutter in the process of the escape.

Luckily, the pizza was so traumatized by its grueling experience that it was unable to complete its plan and was quickly scooped up by my cousin.

After examining the pizza for any life-threating contaminents, she decided that she would have her revenge at last. She was finally able to sit down and devour the pizza.

Those who would say that a burnt, bloody, dusty pizza should just be throw away have never tasted the sweet, satisfying taste of VICTORY!

As I was not personally witness to the horrifying incident, and have only recieved this information through a third party, I can only make my best assumptions on how the whole event progressed. Please, forgive me if any of the details are incorrect, but I feel that it is very important to warn kitchen-goers everywhere that they may be in grave danger! Please, consider this a serious WARNING. Kitchens everywhere are under attack! No one knows where the terror will strike next. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!

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