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Thursday, April 26, 2007

For Chris!

Dear Officer,

If you are reading this, then my dear blogger friend Chris has been carted off to jail after her latest "break down." As you further your investigation of today's events, please comsider the following:

  • Chris has recently been adopted into a highly disfunctional family. I firmly believe that this may have contributed in some way to her highly unstable manner, thus provoking her recent actions. Please take this into consideration. It is very hard to distinguish "right" from "wrong" once you get wrapped up in the chaos of this mess.
  • Chris was recently tagged to write a post about the letter "H". Hell, homocide, hypocrite and hysteria all begin with "h". Forming logical thoughts entirely out of words that begin with "h" can definately make one "halucinate" and find it "hard" to think in a logic manner.
  • While you may believe the teenage boy to be an "innocent" victim of these events, I can clearly see that Chris was the true victim. "The Boy" was clearly distraught that Chris implied he "go comando" and chose to exact his revenge by attempting to stage an unfortunate "housecleaning accident" that would bring about her unfortunate demise. I seriously believe that Chris's actions were in SELF DEFENSE. It was either him or her and she wasn't about to wait around for his next attempt.
  • Also keep in mind that this teenage boy was tampering with some seriously dangerous chemicals. From my experience, teenagers are dangerous around things as simple as "root beer" and there is no telling what they might do under the influence of garage cleaner!
  • It is also evident that Chris's state of mind was clearly "blurred" by the toxic chemical reaction that was melting her tile floors. The fumes made it difficult to see through running eyes and choking fumes. I suspect that Chris's blog was simply a innocent venting that turned tragic when she mistook her "grounded teenager" for a burglar. Simply a case of mistaken identity and coincidence I'm sure!

As you can see, today's acts were committed in complete innocence (or instability) and Chris should not be held accountable for her actions at the moment. Clearly, many factors were involved and this was not just a simple case of homocide. Please, be certain that you examine all of the facts before you make a final decision on the charges that are pending.

In the mean time, please forward the following message to Chris as I am uncertain of the jail's address (and I rarely write real letters).

Thank you for your assistance,

Ellie's Mommie



In regards to your recent request for hair-fashion advice, I feel obliged to offer my extent wisdom. If you are of pale complexion (something I would expect from a winter-bound Wisconsin) I do not recommend my Mother's suggestion of dying your hair black. While it does go smashing with bright orange, it has tragic affects on the state of your skin color. However, my best suggestion does require you to suffer these ill effects for a few months in order to achieve hair-color-perfection! Therefore, if you find your stay in the local "facilities" to be an extended one, you may consider this an option.

First, you must spend several months dying your hair various shades of blacks, dark burgandies, etc. For most even results, I suggest doing this every week or so in order to keep the roots from becoming overly exposed. After a few months of this regimen, you then must request that a hair stylist (unfortunately, this step cannot be done on your own) attempt to make you a blonde! After the stylist recovers from his/her cardiac arrest, they will first attempt to apply the maximum strength of peroxide to your head. If you have done the previous "black" procedure properly, this peroxide application will prove completely uneffect and fully astonish your stylist.

At this point you may then suggest that he/she use an herbal compound called "diamond glitz". (To forewarn you of the impact this had in my life, I will note here that these events took place NINE years ago & I can still remember the name of the product!)

After this product has had time to work, you will be greatly disappointed to look in the mirrow and see that your hair is still this dark greyish color. Do not be fooled. This product cakes on your hair like mud and incases it in a mummy-like chemical reaction. Once your stylist rinse this mud cast from your folicles, you will sit up in your chair and SCREAM!

Your hair (which was mud grey sixty seconds ago) will suddenly be every shade of ORANGE imaginable. The tips of each strand (which have endured months of the dark-dying process) will be a gorgeous burgandy. Meanwhile, the roots of your folicles will be platinum blonde! The remaining portions of the strand will vary in color from blonde to burgandy the closer you get to the ends (This includes a florescent orange color in the middle which should match your jumpsuit PERFECTLY!)

Your stylist will immediately faint (assuring no payment necessary) and no one on the block will be able to duplicate your exact hair color without explicit instructions from you. OH, THE CONTROL YOU WILL HAVE OVER THE FASHION INDUSTRY!

I hope that these suggestions will help you to be more satisfied with your hair fashion during your unfortunate incarceration.

While I hope for your quick release and that all charges are dropped, you might consider milking the situation for all it's worth. Seriously, is jail really that bad (if you can avoid become BIG BERTHA'S LOVE PUPPET)?

Think about this:

  • 3 free meals
  • laundry service
  • no screaming children
  • cable
  • access to furthering your education at the expense of taxpayers
  • house-keeping
  • free medical care
  • vacations to various locations while you appeal the verdict of your trial
  • and if it truly does turn for the worst you have the consolation of knowing you can order Steak & Lobster for your final meal... plus, they clean the injection site really good so you don't die from that last minute infection!

Best wishes from Blogland,

Ellie's Mommie


Anonymous said...

If this doesn't make Chris run for cover from this family nothing ever will.

Do these people know that all these stories we tell are true. We don't even stretch the fucking truth. It's just the shit that happens to us.

Where else but with us could you learn some of this shit. They sure don't teach it in school. At least no school I ever went to..

run Chris run fast and far...you will catch it from us if you stay.

Chris said...

Ok, I'm here, and you have NO idea what I've had to do for Big Bertha in order to get here. *shudders*
*reading...still reading...almost done...jeeze, give a prego a computer & swollen feet, and look how they can go...almost...done. reading*

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You crazy ass woman. Now, I've peed my pants from laughing so hard. Do you know what they do to people like that in prison? It ain't pretty sistah.

I'm going to print this and send to my court appointed attorney. Thanks. If this doesn't get me sent to the looney bin, or freed, nothing can. heh.

Big Bertha's telling me to jump and I have to go ask how high.

Love From The Pokey,
Chris aka Bertha's Bitch

PS. The minute I'm sprung, I'm buying a one way ticket to the farm. One look at the three of us, and either the cops will run screaming away, or take the old woman thats got a smokin' gun in one hand, a dead sheep in the other, and a mike's hard one hangin' from her pretty teeth.