Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.


If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I'm In Trouble Now!

Of course I woke up from my afternoon nap to learn that my previous post about Moving Up in the World might cost me some "serious" legal threats in the near future.

Concerned, I read the post published by South Con and realized the company had sent the EXACT same letter. Concerned about these rumored "legal actions," I immediately browsed through links until I found the letter that South Con has recieved. Upon careful reading of the letter and the list of aligations, I decided that these people definately meant business.

However, I feel that I can head off any future debates over the matter right here and now.

Several legal terms have been used in the past to imply that posts similar to mine are in violation of these companies rights and interfere with their business. Among those terms you will find false, defamatory, malicious, and libelous. I have carefully read and reread my post to conclude that none of these words apply to my particular post.

False: As you all know quite well, I'm very big on NOT lying so this was of course the first word I examined. I was very careful to be certain there were absolutely no falsehoods in my statements.

  • Yes, I picked up the mail and yes, that was exactly what the mailbox contained.
  • Yes, the date on the letter was correct.
  • Yes, I checked the entire letter for word-for-word accuracy and spelling errors.
  • Yes, Daddy Dearest delivers PIZZA.
  • Yes, I do strive to be recognized on the same level as him. (Have you seen what pizza delivery men get tipped these days?)
  • Yes, I do think the clown at the Wal-Mart Photo Center and the "sample lady" at the grocery store are accomplished individuals (they aren't living in their parent's basements smoking POT! Thus, they are accomplishing something!)
  • Yes, I would pay to be put in a prestigious list (How much I would pay is another story!)
  • Yes, I'm pregnant and I definately want Daddy Dearest to KEEP THE PIZZA COMING!
  • Yes, I got the address correct, and was even careful to include their fine print.
  • Yes, my advice to executives and professionals was genuine. (Daddy Dearest makes more than most teachers!)
  • Yes, that too is a fact!
  • Oh! Well CRAP! I found the "false information!" They must know me pretty well. I never had any intention of actually writing to my college and asking for a refund! Can they take me to court for failing to ask for my money back after I said I would? Well, I guess if it comes down to that, I'll simply have no choice but to ask for a tuition refund. That'll break my heart!

Next word, Malicious: I don't need to go into a lot of detail here. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am only "malicious" towards family members and ex-husbands. And even then, I take it all in a very light-hearted, live-and-let-live manner (okay, so not so much with the ex, but hey). There is nothing malicious about my post. It was simply pointing out the grand importance of your local pizza delivery guy (and other professionals) who are greatly under-appreciated in this day and age.

As far as Defamatory and Libelous (which essentially mean the same thing), I do believe that without "false" information or "malicious" intent, it is impossible to be accused of these things.

At this point, I would like to point out that as of yet, I have recieve no further communications on this matter. This is simply a post to try and prevent any misunderstandings the company might have about my previous posting.

However, if this company still feels the need to contact me on the matter they should be aware of a few other things.

  1. I am a well educated woman who just HAPPENS to blog in her spare time. Just to point of HOW educated (and because I consider it a great accomplishment) let me note that I personally drew up my own divorce papers including the financial settlement papers. You can probably guess who came out on the better end of that one!
  2. I am a very outspoken woman who does not take kindly to harassment. I would consider it a giant LEAP of harassment if this company were to contact my employer or Daddy Dearest on this matter. While finding my employer might not be too difficult for someone with the right connections, locating the name, e-mail or phone number of Daddy Dearest would take a literal act of stalking since there is no documented link to connect us.
  3. AND finally, I am very much pregnant. Thus, I am very HORMONAL! As the initial communication with Daddy Dearest was unsolicited, and I have clearly pointed out how truthful and non-malicious I was being in my post, I would consider it a grave mistake for anyone to throw idle threats at me during the next month or so. I am a very happy-go-lucky woman (even in my state of extreme hippo-ness) but as my Easter post indicates, I can be provoked to take extreme actions.

Having said all of that, I'd like to end with saying I hope everyone out there in an under-appreciated working position is blessed with some "prestigious" award at least once in their lifetime! In the very least, it'll cheer youup and give you something to write about!

My deepest appologies to the clown at the Wal-Mart Photo Center, the "sample lady" at the grocery store, executives and professionals who now realize where they wasted their money, Donald Trump, my college professors, and Daddy Dearest! I in no way meant to imply that any of you were unworthy of recognition!

3 comments:

It's me, T.J. said...

Well it looks like you covered your... um... bases.

Good Job.

As soon as I get time I'll link to your posts if that's okay by you.

Chris said...

Yep, I think you got it covered. Can I get a ringside seat if there should be any threats? I love me some good action!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put in my application at all of the pizza joints in the surrounding area...as soon as it stops snowing. ;)

Ellie's Mommie said...

TJ - I think that should do it. Feel free to link if you'd like.

Chris - Pizza delivery & snow do not sound like a fun combo. I'll be so happy when Spring decides it's going to stick around. I'm tired of cold winds, rain & snow.