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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I Love You Mommy!

WARNING: This blog has been rated 3PND (3 Pees, No Drinking!) by the Blog Readers Association of Mommy! You have been warned!

Since Chris officially canceled Tuesday, I'm kind of at a loss. I too canceled Tuesday so that I might better recover from Monday. However, when I checked in with Chris she made me feel guilty for leaving everyone here in Blogland to fend for themselves.

After spending my non-Tuesday reading Chris's recommended post, I decided that it was a perfect time to make fun of my Mother. Why? Well, because she's a hilarious old woman who lost her last shred of sanity years and years ago. (Raising me may, or may not, have had something to do with her apparent loss.)

In my family it is made perfectly clear that if we don't pick on you, we don't like you. Since I like my Mom an aweful lot, I think it's only fitting that I make fun of her.

Let the pointing and laughing commense!

I must tell you that my mother is officially the biggest KLUTZ I know! (Okay, technically she's the second biggest klutz, but since the person in the #1 position is klutzy on purpose, the official award has to go to my Mom!) Seriously, my Mother could find a way to injure herself in a plastic bubble!

Think I'm kidding? I'm not! My mother is the only woman on the face of this Earth who can give herself a DOUBLE CONCUSSION! Never heard of a double concussion? Don't feel bad. I believe the doctor made some technical statement like, "What the hell were you thinking?"

So, how do you get a double concussion? It's actually quite easier than you might expect.

First, you must strategically plan the landscaping of your yard so that a large tree stump is positioned directly outside your front step where the sidewalk forks in two directions. Second, you must wake up early in the morning and decide to leave your house prior to your coffee kicking in. Thirdly, you must do this on an icy winter morning when there are horses to feed, cows to check and ice to break in the water tanks.

Once these three aspects are properly set up, it is simply a matter of stepping onto your front step, slipping on the ice, and flying head first into the previously mentioned tree stump. Bingo! It's 7 A.M. and you have successfully recieved concussion #1! Congratulations!!

Of course, as the name "double concussion" implies, this is only the beginning! In order to achieve the spectacular title of "DUH" you must also possess a very unique quality. You must firmly believe that you are SUPERWOMAN and that all doctors are the "Devil's Handymen". Then, you must conclude that saving a baby calf from freezing to death is much more important than tending to your own injuries. If this is the case, you can then pick yourself up off the ice-covered front lawn and procede to go about your morning chores.

No doubt this would be a difficult task for many of us, because double vision and throbbing headaches would make it difficult to tell which gate led to which pen and which calf belonged to which cow. It seems that my Mother is quite talented in this realm of multiplicity. She barely noticed that our horses had miraculously cloned themselves and since math is not really her strong point, it posed no concern to her that there were a few too many cows in the pens.

My Mother proceded through her day, completing her chores and all of the pleasant tasks that go along with managing a ranch in the dead of winter. Amazingly, she did not fall in the water tanks, and all the gates were opened and closed properly.

At the end of a long day, my Mother stumbled her way back to the house and decided it was time for a nap. This is where that amazing double whammy rears it's ugly head. It is important to note here that at this particular time, my parents bed was actually a pull out couch. My Mother stumbles to her room and in an act of total exhaustion she basically belly flopped onto her bed. WHAMO!! Her forehead cracks precisely on the metal frame supporting the mattress! Congratulations Mom! You have just scored concussion #2!

I must say that this certainly takes a lot of talent and a true act of KLUTZINESS!! The doctor was not nearly as impressed! As far as the events that transpired between concussion #1 and concussion #2, they are forever lost. It is quite possible that she DID fall into the water tank and was oblivious to it. It is also possible that the dog ate alfalfa that morning, while the cows pigged out on Puppy Chow. Dad might have eaten cat food, while the cat got a cheeseburger. The neighbor may have even lost a few sheep that day. We may never know!

I know that you must truely be impressed by my Mother's fantastic feat of cranial damage. But please keep in mind that it takes much more than a single day's actions to defend a championship title.

My mother has also managed to slam herself face first into a cattle panel, only to have no recollection of what happened. The bruises clearly told us that she HAD slammed into the panel, but to this day we have no idea why she decided to take a running leap into the unforgiving metal.

On another occasion, this bull-headed woman jumped a fence and probably broke her ankle. Since it was only a week from the State Fair, she refused to go to the doctor because there was no way she would spend her "vacation" wearing a cast. Instead, she tightly laced a boot on her foot for a week. (Please picture a half naked crazy woman limping to the bathroom in the middle of the night wearing only her skivies and one cowboy boot!) Again, the doctor was not impressed with her.

One of her more talented feats involved an exploding sewing needle which managed to lodge itself into her eye. Though I must admit she DID seek medical assistance for this (not that they were of much help). She then spent the next few weeks pulling metal shards from her eye.

More recently, she managed to relocate her thumb so that it faced the opposite direction. I believe this incident had something to do with a greedy horse and a large hay bale feeder. Again, she sought medical assistance (to no avail) and certainly deserves a standing ovation for learning to wipe her ass with her other hand!

So, as you can clearly see, my mother is a glutton for punishment! She never ceases to amaze us (and annoy her doctors) with her klutzy resolve! She never gives up! She continues to brave the icy winter mornings, wrestle the hay bale feeders, and cuss at her sewing machine.

My Mother is a firm believer that when you get bucked off, you've got to pick yourself up and get right back on that horse.

That being said, I will leave you with one final "I'm tough enough to handle it" Mommy Moment!

Having just been released from the hospital for a surgery that only a woman could require (and in her case, welcome) she decided that she felt exceptionally good. In fact, she felt SO good that when Cletus announced he needed some help on a horse, she decided to overcome her life-long fear in order to assist him. In a brilliantly STUPID moment, she decided to saddle MY horse to help Dad. (Let me make it clear that I own an insane, stubborn, unpredictable, bastard of an Appaloosa!) She seemed to have no problem overcoming her phobia of horses at that moment. Unfortunatlely, my horse does not really appreciate having to actually WORK! My Mother's "bravery" lasted approximately 90 seconds. At that point, my horse decided to express his displeasure by throwing a full-blown three-year-old temper tantrum complete with bucking! While my Mother definately deserves BONUS POINTS for remaining in the saddle (a feat even I find difficult at times) she did discover at that very moment that she didn't feel nearly as great as she thought. Her ride was promptly brought to a halt as abdomenal incisions screamed in protest!

As I said, "My Mother is a firm believer that when you get bucked off, you've got to pick yourself up and get right back on that horse."

Unless of course, it actually involves a HORSE!!

3 comments:

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

OMG YOU NEED TO WARN CHRIS THAT THIS IS A NO FOOD NO DRINK BLOG OR SHE WILL BE BLOWING COFFEE OUT HER NOSE. I'M GLAD I CAN PROVIDE YOU WITH SUCH GOOD MATERIAL. I PERSONALLY FOUND THIS WAS A 3 PEE BLOG...PPP LOVE MOM MIE

Anonymous said...

OMG!!!! Holy hell, that is funnier than shit. Thank godness you put up a warning of I would have been blowing coffe out of my nose.

BTW, What the fuck kind of pain killer was she on when she thought she could saddle & ride a horse after a hysterectomy? I could barely get to the damn bathroom on my own for a week after my surgery.

I have GOT to make time to visit the farm. Maybe I'll even bring my camcorder because we could win the big prize on Funniest Home Videos. heh.

Love, Chris

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

lISTEN CHRIS: I HAD THE HYSTY ON A TUES, AND MADE IT BACK HOME IN TIME TO WATCH THE BIG LONGHORN DRIVE DOWN 83 ON FRIDAY AND SATURDAY. I IS ONE TOUGH BITCH.

ME, MY STITCHES AND MY PAIN KILLERS WERE WALKING ALONG SIDE THE CATTLE DRIVE TAKING PICS..