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Sunday, April 8, 2007

Culture Shock

First, I have to say this, "I really do like Daddy Dearest's family!"
Having said that, I have to confess something.

Going to his family gatherings are enough to bore a tree sloth!
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Seriously! Let's start by looking at the family gatherings I'm used to (i.e. My Whacko Relatives). Just for fun, let's use numbers to explain it.

  • 1 - The number of consecutive days that local authorities permit our entire family to gather in the same spot. An exception is made once a year for our family get together, but we must apply for a permit at least 0ne year in advance, deliver a detailed guest list, present a detailed schedule of events, sign waivers allowing police to perform routine inspections, and file affidavids stating that no more than two of us will enter the city limits during any period of time without first informing the proper authorities.
  • 2 - The number of police officers who routinely patrol the block when my family is around.
  • 3 - The number of people who are usually pissed off about something in our family at the time of the gathering
  • 4- The number of drunk EMTs present at my family gatherings.
  • 5 - The number of people who end up in handcuffs before the "gathering" has been dispersed by local law enforcement.
  • 6 - The number of injuries that require 9-1-1 assistance.
  • 7 - The number of empty beer cases discarded in the first half-hour of the "gathering"
  • 8 - The number of times family members storm out of the house upset about one thing or another.
  • 9 - The number of tires slashed following the family procedings.
  • 10 - The number of dogs barking amidst all the bickering and snide remarks.
  • 11 - The number of stitches the average survivor requires upon leaving the gathering.
  • AND
  • 12 - The number of therapy sessions required to overcome the traumatic experience of the day.

Other important numbers may include:

  • the amount spent in compensating neighbors for physical, emotional, and property damage
  • the amount spent on vehicle repairs, fines, and court costs
  • the number of people who disown the family after each occasion
  • the number of months before everyone can gather in a sociable manner again
  • the number of days each person is put on probation
  • AND
  • the number of restraining orders filed following a family gathering

These numbers vary according to the severity of the situation and the response time of local authorities and emergency services.

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Now let's look at a family gathering in Boresville (a.k.a. Daddy Dearest's family)

  • 1 - The number of prayers spoken prior to eating.
  • 2 - The number of words spoken as people stuff their faces full of food.
  • 3 - The number of milk jugs emptied at the table
  • 4 - The number of children present at the gathering
  • 5 - The number of times someone falls asleep in their plate
  • 6 - The number of people who gather in the livingroom to "chat"
  • 7 - The number of times someone laughs about something during the "gathering"
  • 8 - The number of hugs required before you are allowed to exit the house
  • 9 - The number of times someone says "Thank You for having us"
  • AND
  • 10 - The number of minutes after the meal before you wish you could leave

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Now, as I said before, "I really DO like Daddy Dearest's family!"

But as you can see, there is nowhere near the excitement that you will find at a normal gathering on MY side of the family. It's sort of a "culture shock." Personally, if I'm going to get dressed up and wear uncomfortable shoes, I prefer to have some sort of entertainment. These people don't even serve alcohol!! There is something seriously wrong with that!! It's just not right to stuff that many people into that small of a place and not even offer them a beer and a football game!!

On the bright side, going to Daddy's family gatherings seems to save me a lot of money bailing various family members out of jail.

5 comments:

Randomness said...

We do have more fun even though we all bicker like a married couple of 50 years. To bad we are not all lucky like on relative and have hard hearing. We can't just turn off our hearing aides. Oh well, I think that you should add to our #1 that the gather has also been mandated to only be on grounds that a family member owns, we are no longer allowed on public property.

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

Ok, I have never had to be bailed out, I have never had to have stitches. I have caused others to have stitches and they have had to be bailed out on account of I outran the cop and they didn't.

I have stormed out and caused others to storm out.

I DO HOWEVER, HOLD THE TITLE OF THE ONLY MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY WHO HAD TO HAVE A BOOZE IV, INSERTED IN HER ARM BY FELLOW FAMILY EMT'S BECAUSE I WAS LAUGHING TO HARD TO DRINK. AS A FULL BLOODED FAMILY MEMBER I DO GET MEAN IF I GET TO MUCH BLOOD IN MY ALCOHOL SYSTEM. WHERE'S THAT DAMN PICTURE????

Jessica said...

Drunk EMT's make me hot.

Ellie's Mommie said...

Randomness: I totally forgot about the ban from public places. I just figure it's much easier to claim we camp locally so no one has to drink & drive in order to fetch more beer!

Old Woman: I call dibs on the IV this year. I've got several holidays to make up for once this turkey gets here. You are designated DAY CARE GRANNY!

Jessica: That frightens me b/c I think all the drunk EMTs are legally married except for Old Woman. Since she's found Mike's Hard Lemonade there's no telling what she might do next!

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

Ok, I'll be designated Day Care Granny, but with Aunt Cindy there do you really think I'm going to even get a place in line to hold her? You know how Cindy is with babies. She gave up smoking and drinking just to hold babies. I don't know. But you can have the IV. When do you plan on posting the link for these turkeys to see our website???? I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU.