Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Special Offer

Is your family getting too big to handle? Are you tired of those happy family gatherings? Wish you could get some peace and quiet without your relatives calling to see how you are? Can't afford to buy Christmas gifts? Have I got the solution for you!

With minimal effort and a little bit of time, you too can enjoy your retirement without the annoying complications of family matters. Now, for a limited time, I'm offering you these 10 easy steps at no cost to you! I personally guarantee that my simple, step-by-step guide will allow you to enjoy your golden years in the quiet solitude that so many people love.

This is a once in a lifetime offer and I highly suggest that you act quickly. The sooner you start this process, the less time you will waste mailing out those redundant holiday greetings.

How to fuck up a family in 10 easy steps!

  1. Bad-mouth your children in front of your grandchildren.
  2. Hold mistakes over your family's heads for decades
  3. Stick your nose in your family's business when they don't want you to.
  4. Ignor the existance of family members who do not kiss your ass
  5. Intentionally try to spread hate and discontent among family members
  6. Try to spawn jealousy by showing favoritism through gifts and attention.
  7. Pretend that there aren't problems and that people in the family aren't upset when you know they are.
  8. Twist the facts when these problems finally fester to the point that someone makes you aware of them
  9. Never accept responsibility for your own actions and continue to act as if nothing is wrong
  10. Cease contact with anyone who continues to feel that something needs to be resolved.

This method carries my SATIFACTION GUARANTEE! If you aren't completely satisfied with your quality of solitude in six-months, I will refund you the entire cost of this product! I am that convinced at how well this guide works.

This service is offered to you at no cost for a limited time.

Please look for these other step-by-step guides in a store near you:

  • 10 Easy Steps to a Cheaper Phone Bill
  • The Dummies Guide to Ruining a Holiday
  • 101 Recipes for a Family Feud
  • 20 Comments to Make Your Houseguest Leave (And Never Come Back)
  • 50 Reasons Why You Should Plan Your Own Funeral
  • AND
  • 1000 Excuses for Your Own Mistakes

All of these products are specifically engineered for people who are completely unsatisfied with their happy family. Each product offers a life-time guarantee for as long as you stick to our specifically designed programs.

Authors of these manuals have years of experience in watching families fall apart and have seen the great amount of joy and satisfaction it brings to those who have instigated the proceedings. They have carefully written these manuals to be easy to follow and provide detailed instuction (including various examples to better guide you on your journey to a "broken family")

Sarcastic Publishing Inc., is proud to offer you these manuals, along with several other guides in the near future.


Anonymous said...

OMG ROTFLMFAO CHRIS IS RIGHT!!We are funny when we are mad. Damn, I never knew that about us. I hope you plan on giving me royalties for the manuals. I want my 15% of free. After all, in the near future, Ellie may want a refrigerator box to fly home in too. THEY ARE NOT CHEAP...

Chris said...

I think someone should be writing a book. It would sell MILLIONS! You people are the funniest shit on the net.

Ellie's Mommie said...

Old Woman: 15% of FREE it is... I'll even throw in an extra 15% refund if you're not fully satisfied!

Chris: There's two problems with writing a book. 1) Everyone we wrote about would want in on the profits & frankly, I'm a selfish only child who doesn't wanna share! AND 2) Do you know how hard it is to convince those men with the van & straight-jacket that they have the wrong apartment? It's getting out of hand these days. I can't even imagine how I'd explain myself if my face was plastered on the dust jacket of a book!

Chris said...

Damn greedy relatives! We could use pseudonyms, and ever so slightly change the settings.

Stupid white vans, I say we blow the tires out & make a run for it. Although, you're pretty prego and can't run very fast. hmmm...maybe we could have you air lifted out...hey! I'm just sayin'. ;)