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Friday, April 6, 2007

Too Drunk To Drink

I believe I've said it before, but I'll say it again, "When my family sets out to do something, we DO IT RIGHT!" That includes our drinking. Unfortunately, even the most experienced drinkers among us may find it a little difficult to keep up at times.

No problem though. In our family, we strive to assure that no one is left out on the festivities of the evening. Many of my family members are trained in medical procedures and we have no problem issuing you an alcohol I.V. if you find yourself slipping behind.

Unfortunately, submitting to the peer-pressure and agreeing to have an I.V. also makes you a helpless victim to the rest of the drunks at our gatherings. Too many times we have seen the tragic effects that a sober individual may have on our celebration. Therefore, we make it a point to allow no sober individuals in the vicinity.

After administering an alcohol I.V. to a semi-inebriated individual, we are quick to swarm upon the potential party-pooper in a desperate attempt to assure they keep up with the drinking habits of the crowd.

Upon first realization that you have become a helpless guinea pig to our alcoholic whims, you are sure to experience some initial anxiety over the matter.

Fortunately, after a couple more beers, you won't remember a thing and will happily submit to our high standard of alcohol consumption.

Soon, you too will be three sheets to the wind like the rest of us. In no time at all you'll be pouring your own I.V. mixture and assuring that your blood-alcohol content stays well above the recommended driving level for weeks to come.

This family tradition is a necessary part of our survival as it has allowed us to black-out the many horrible and traumatic memories from many a night-gone-wrong. It also assures that there are no reliable witnesses to testify about the carnage the following morning.

WARNING: An Alcohol I.V. should only be performed by a trained (and completely wasted) medical professional. Do not attempt to administer an Alcohol I.V. on yourself without proper medical training. Failure to seek proper medical assistance may result in improper administration of the I.V. and therefore cause you to have inadequate blood-alcohol levels. This is a serious complication which may result in you remembering vague details of the evenings events which will cost you ungodly amounts in psychiatric bills. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

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