Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Friday, April 6, 2007

Lazy is Codeword For "Hung-Over"

After the festivities of the previous night, it is often difficult to muster the ambition required to participate in the celebration the following day. Not wanting to be labeled "the party-poopers," the Rednecks got together an devised a solution to our head-throbbing dilema.

As you can tell from these photos, there were a few of us who had yet to begin our recovery process. A few too many shots of Crown Royal were still pulsating through our bloodstream.

At first, some of the locals were a bit concerned about the dreadful state of our group. Some were uncertain if the aftermath would prove fatal to the prestine interiors of their nice cars. Of course, we felt they should be grateful that we weren't risking their fabulous paint jobs.

It was shocking to know that there were still those among us who had the ambition and energy to actually deliver the candy to the drivers in the parade. It's amazing what you can do when you are still under the influence of the previous evening. While half the town drug their candy-craving children to the parade through hazy eyes and throbbing headaches, there were those among us who were still intoxicated enough to stumbling into the street.

Of course, looking back this was clearly an unwise decision. Anyone who knows the driver of this particular vehicle, probably realizes how lucky he was that they didn't issue a sobriety test at the end of the parade route.

Not everyone had that morning rush going on though. Some of us were simply content to sit in our chairs and take pot shots at the passing floats. It should be noted here that my cousin's wife either found a way to avoid becoming overly intoxicated or she's one hell of a shot when she's drunk (this piece of candy actually landed INSIDE the ladies washbasin!)

Of course, anytime you combine a bunch of Rednecks with an eighteen-wheeler AND candy there is bound to be trouble. Here you can see the great extents that some of us will go to when the whole family screams, "Jelly-Belly!!" We are certain that the cheap candy we purchased early that morning was well worth trading for the arm load of candy that she returned from this vehicle with.

Of course, there are always those among us who have no interest in celebrating our uniqueness. Here you can clearly see that some individuals in our group are either too sober, too hung-over, or too embarassed to acknowledge they are related to us.

Don't worry though. We won't let a few headaches ruin our fun. We'll be back again this year for even more festive entertainment.

This year, we'll be more prepared and may even have a float. However, just knowing the way our bunch tends to celebrate, don't be surprised if you see our float sitting along the side of the road somewhere and all of us sitting on the curb with a sign that reads:

"Yes! We DID build a float this year!
(but we forgot to designate a driver)
Please keep the NOISE down!

No comments: