Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Friday, April 6, 2007

The Next Generation: Pinky

Meet "Pinky," the unsuspecting Redneck prodegy of the future! We have high hopes for this youngster. Already we are prepping her for a life as a deliquent!

We firmly believe that there is no better way of teaching a child, than good old fashioned experience. Of course we let her play in the street! We actually encourage her to "go chase headlights!" How else is the poor girl going to figure out how to dodge speeding cars as she outruns the police? It's an important life skill!

She'll definately thank us later in life when she has fully perfected the art of car-jacking! She's showing great promise in the area and we are all very proud! We hear there is good money in rims these days!

Of course, every child needs a backup career just in case they find they are not cut out for their chosen profession. Pinky is showing great promise in the art of "stalking." However, we realize that the simple act of stalking another individual is not exactly a profitable career choice.

Therefore, we encourage her to take it one step farther. KIDNAPPING!! Now there's where the real money is! A girl's gotta be able to provide for her family and who wouldn't get some satisfaction out of taking a few million dollars from those richy-smitchy snob-nosed aristocrats?

Of course, any good delinquent needs to learn the importance of a good "backup plan." You never know when the whole operation is going to go down the drain. Us poor Rednecks certainly can't afford to bail her out of jail. Therefore, we've been sure to instill in her the art of fleeing the scene of the crime!

And since you can only outrun the police on foot for so long, we've also taught her the importance of a good get-away vehicle.

That's right! Pinky has all the makings of an expert criminal! We have no doubt that she will someday make us all proud (and hopefully rich!). Of course, they may come a time when her only option is to RESIST ARREST!

Her next lesson will be in "pleading the fifth" and "the insanity plea." No doubt, one look at how we raised her and the judge will show pity on the poor girl!

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