Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.


If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Friday, April 6, 2007

Cheaters NEVER Win (Unless we make you QUIT!)

Okay, so I'm a pretty honest and straight-forward person. I try not to lie about things. I don't steal. And generally, I don't cheat. I tend to hold myself to a relatively high moral standard which I attribute to my Mother. To the best of my knowledge, she is the same way. I've never known her to lie or steal, and generally she doesn't cheat.

In fact, when I was growing up there were really only two rules in our house.
  1. Don't LIE to me.
  2. Don't STEAL from me.

Looking back though, I realize that she never did say "Don't CHEAT!"

That is in fact the reason I used the words "generally, I don't cheat."

I don't cheat on my taxes. I don't cheat my friends. While I have cheated on lovers in my youth, I swear there was a jusitifiable reason for it and I think looking back that they would agree. GENERALLY, I catergorize cheating in the same category as lying because you'll probably have to lie to cover up the fact that you cheated.

If I'm playing a game with my friends, you can probably bet that I am the last person who would be accused of cheating. It's just bad form. Whether you're playing poker for real money or just a game of Candy Land, I would be more likely to say, "No, I think I made a mistake," than I would to cheat.

However, this GENERAL concensus is thrown completely out the window if my Mother and I are playing at the same time. I'm not quite sure why it is, but my Mother and I seem to have an obsession about cheating when we're together. It doesn't really make sense that you could take two GENERALLY honest people and create one BIG FAT CHEATING MACHINE, but that is exactly what happens.

I don't care if we are playing a game of TiddlyWinks! You can bet if my mother and I are at the same table, we've found a way to cheat!

Normally, this isn't really a big issue because my Mom and I are usually on opposite teams (doesn't matter, we'll still cheat!) and more often than not, the game simply involves the two of us. Since we both are well aware that the other person is a BACK-STABBING, CARD-HUSTLING, CHEATING WHORE from the very start, we don't get too worked up over a silly game.

Unfortunately, when other people become involved in our games and are unaware of our TOTAL LACK OF GAME ETHICS, they tend to eventually forfit in anger (we consider that a WIN for us!)

-------------------

Case in point: The never-ending game of Monopoly, while fun, can slowly drag out into a boring and uneventful game (especially if you're playing "last man standing"). My [insert string of profane descriptors] ex-husband made the unfortunate mistake of playing a game of Monopoly with me and my Mother one night. It was quickly apparent that he was out to win (imagine that) and was taking the game far too seriously.

Side Note: Taking ANYTHING too seriously in my Mother's house is strictly FORBIDDEN and must be immediately PUNISHED!

My Mother and I (finding his seriousness and arogance irritating) made a silent pact to teach him a lesson. From that point on, things started to turn ugly. There was all the "drama" of a good C-SPAN scandal - embezzelment, secret trades, forged documents, slight of hand and muffled giggles.

In the end, the game had to be called on account of rain/tears and the board was packed away in a fit of defeat-induced rage while my Mother and I tried to catch our breath between fits of hysterical, tear-jerking laughter. My ex-husband did not seem to find the humor in our unethical behavior (we however, considered the game quite a success!)

-------------------

It may be disturbing to you to think that we would find such pleasure in the humiliation of a "poor, unsuspecting man". You might say that he had every right to get mad. You might call us mean. You might scowl and frown at our poor sportsmanship. If that's the case, I suggest never playing a game with us.

When you find yourself in a game with cheaters (especially if everyone is cheating EXCEPT you) there are a few possible reactions:

  1. You can (as he did) throw a two-year-old temper tantrum and pout.
  2. You can politely excuse yourself from the game.
  3. OR you can seek REVENGE!!

Option 1 makes you look like a BIG FAT CRY-BABY who can't take a joke.

Option 2 is an ethical and generally acceptable excuse to avoid the cut-throat business at hand (but you can bet we'll call you a SISSY for giving up!)

Option 3 is much harder to do (especially if you've been ganged up on) but in the long run, it is also much more satisfying.

It's a lot like driving on a highway. If you are stuck in a mess of cars that are all driving 5 miles over the speed limit you have 3 choices:

  1. Slow down to 5 miles BELOW the speed limit to intentionally piss off all the drivers behind you.
  2. Maintain the exact speed limit (probably still irritating the drivers behind you) and continue on knowing that YOU are following the rules.
  3. OR... Increase your speed to keep up with the cars around you knowing that EVERYONE is breaking the rules too!

While it probably isn't wise to use this theory in every situation (if both your neighbors are convicted felons you might not want to follow suit), this is definately an acceptable solution if you find yourself suckered into playing any type of game with my Mother and I.

In the future, consider yourself WARNED! My Mother and I are very proud of our cheating strategies and when together, we lose all regard for your feel-bads. As far as we are concerned, IT'S JUST A GAME and if we get bored with it, we'll cheat just to stir things up. Feel free to play along anytime you want, but you better be prepared to KEEP UP WITH TRAFFIC or find the nearest OFF-RAMP. Otherwise you might find yourself choking on our EXHAUST as we plow over the top of you without remorse!

HAPPY GAMING!!

2 comments:

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

You took up 45 minutes of my internet time. I read, I laughed, I picked myself up off the floor and started over. This might be one of your best. Well they are warned. What else can we say?
love,
your game cheating Mom Mie

Chris said...

Yep, it runs in the family.

"There was all the "drama" of a good C-SPAN scandal"

BWAHAHAhahaha! I loved this post, and your relationship with your Mom is fantastic.