Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Monday, April 9, 2007

Moving Up In the World!

So today when we stopped to get the mail, we discovered that Daddy Dearest is definately moving up in the world! Amidst the bills and junk mail, there was an official letter from Metropolitan Who's Who.
The letter reads as follows:

March 26, 2007

Dear (Daddy Dearest):

It is my pleasure to inform you that you are being considered for inclusion into the 2007/2008 Metropolitan Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals "Honors Edition" of the Registry.

(Please keep in mind that Daddy Dearest delivers PIZZA for a living!!)

The 2007/2008 edition of the Registry will include biographies of our country's most accomplished professionals. Recognition of this kind is an honor shared by thousands of executives and professionals throughout America each year. Inclusion is considered by many as the single highest mark of achievement.

(I too strive to be recognized on the same level as my pizza delivery man!!)

Upon final confirmation, you will be listed among thousands of accomplished professionals in the Metropolitan Who's Who Registry.

(Thousands of accomplished professionals? Like the clown at the Wal-Mart Photo Center and the "sample lady" at your local grocery store!)

For accuracy and publication deadlines please return your application form to us at your earliest convenience. There is no cost to be included.

(But wouldn't you pay to be included in this prestigious list?)

On behalf of the Managing Director, we wish you continued success.

(Keep the PIZZA coming!!)


Amy M. Giommetti
Editor in Chief

181 Freeman Avenue, Suite C Islip, New York 11751 (P) 631-581-6100 (F) 631-980-4054
(Think you deserve this prestigious award? Apply online to be listed along with other accomplished professionals and pizza boys!)
Metropolitan Who's Who is not associated with any other Who's Who publication or organization.
So to all of you EXECUTIVES and PROFESSIONALS out there, I have a bit of advice!
QUIT spending thousands of dollars furthering your education!
QUIT working endless hours and missing out on important family events!
STOP striving to climb the corporate ladder!
You are wasting your precious time and money to be hoisted to the same level as MY PIZZA BOY!!
Side Note: Please do not think for one minute that I am making fun of Daddy Dearest.
Honestly, it would probably shock you to know that he makes more money delivering pizzas than I make educating your spoiled brats!
(okay, so they probably aren't yours, and not all of them are spoiled, and most of them really aren't brats! But how frustrating to know that they could go out and get a job like Daddy's, make more money than me AND get listed in this "prestigious" publication!)
I'm writing my college and telling them I want a REFUND!!


It's me, T.J. said...

Funny post!

I just thought that I would let you know that you may have a visitor stop by and threaten you with a lawsuit concerning your post here.

One of my blogging friends wrote a similar post and she sent him a threatening e-mail, called his work and spoke to his boss, and e-mailed his wife as well.

The person you may hear from is Cyndi Jeffers aka Cyndi Jeffus.

She works for Metropolitan Who's Who and doesn't like it when people blog about the letters they get from them.

His original post is here.

Have a great day!

Anonymous said...

OMG, first I followed the link that tj posted. Laughed like crazy. Then I called Billy, remember my friend from the CIA, and he laughed. He called Julie with the FBI (remember his Aunt) and she really cracked up over this Cyndi person. So, thanks for the blog, made us all laugh..

Randomness said...

Holy crap, this is great. Wow, I haven't heard from Billy for a while. How is he anyway? Boy will he shit after he hears from this lady. And if a pizza driver can get one I think a deli assistant manager can get one too...I will be checking my mail daily.

Ellie's Mommie said...

T.J. - Thanks for the heads up... It gave me something else to write about. I dare them to mess with the pregnant hormonal chick! Might make me lost my whole sense of humor (then I'd need compensation for emotional distress & therapy expenses).

Old Lady - Glad you got a good laugh out of it. Lay off the Mike's Lemonade, looks like I might need a good lawyer.

Randomness - Of course I think you deserve this award. I should send you a copy of the application so you too could be "prestigious".