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Friday, April 13, 2007

The Molecular Structure of WTF?

I know in the past you must have thought I was over-exagerating when I said that I didn't really have a "Family Tree" but more of a "Family Hedge." I decided that it was about time that I set the record straight! I HAVE A VERY MESSED UP FAMILY!

Since it gets very complicated trying to explain just how "messed up" the family truely is, I decided that I'd make you a diagram to better explain it (seriously, this confused me and they're MY relatives).

Of course, you looked at that diagram and said to yourself, "What the fuck is that? The molecular structure of Uranium?" I completely understand. Therefore, I'm totally prepared to explain it. We'll start at the top with my Mother's parents (I use that term lightly these days), Hagatha and Spineless. This couple had four children (though they tend to claim only two). You will find my Crazy Cousin, Mole, indicated there under my Aunt (A) and Uncle (U). In yellow you will find my Mother (ALF - a.k.a. Aunt Fat Lady).

From there you can follow my GENETIC family up to SD (Sperm Donor) where you will find his four other wives (W) and two mistresses (M) along with the swarm of my brothers (B), sisters (S), step-brothers (SB) and step-sisters.

After that you will notice a giant red "X" through my Mother's youthful error of marrying FN (Fuck Nut) and his two children.

Finally, it seems that Mom got her head screwed on straight when she met Cletus (my Dad) who has two sons from his previous marriage.

Off to the right you can see that my best friend was sort of "adopted" into our family as my Mother's other daughter.

Finally, you can follow the path down to ME, Daddy Dearest, and soon Ellie.
Note: I did mention my own youthful error of marrying FS (Fuck Stick) over to the right.

So as you can see, I am NOT stretching the truth when it comes to just how messed up (and have I mentioned DISFUNCTIONAL?) my family really is.

Hope that clears up any misunderstandings and confusions you may have had.

I'm open to suggestions on how to explain this disaster to my child when she gets older! Seriously, how do you tell your kid that she has two aunts who think the world of her, but they aren't related to Grandma and Grandpa (she'll never know her BIOLOGICAL grandfather). Oh the JOYS!!

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