Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

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If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Who Eats Rabbit on Easter!?!?

If you're looking for my usual happy-go-fartsy laugh-your-ass-off post, you're out of luck! This post is a sarcastic, insult-filled, irritated bitchfest about my family (interrupted by an occasional moment of comic relief).

Okay, so I tried! I tried really hard! I made a phone call, talked to the heathens, made sure they were aware there was definately a problem (even though I refused to let myself get worked up enough to tell them what the problem is) and had a nice, polite conversation about drunk parents flushing shitty diapers and other stupid crap!

I thought to myself, "No way someone I'm related to could be so dense as to not even try to discover what the problem was."

I was wrong!

I have since come to the only logical explanation!
Clearly my relatives are just one step above having the brain capacity of a single-celled organism!

What is my #1 pet peeve about my family these days? The fact that ever since they discovered there was a new baby coming into this world, they have completely ignored the existance of my parents and believe they can continue to stay on happy-bubbly terms with me!

Hmmm... You'd be WRONG!! (Bob, show our losers their consolation prize! That's right! You have officially won a long, sad and lonely life!)

I seriously DO NOT understand these people! All I ever hear is "You don't write! You don't call!" Well, that's because there isn't a Hallmark card out there that says, "Here's hoping the Easter Bunny crawls up your ass and craps chocolate eggs until they come out your ears!"

So this Easter, I'll be sitting at home, happily vegitating on the couch. My parents will be at their house, happily dining on LAMB! We will all be very greatful that we don't have to put on our imaginary happy-face-masks and mingle with relatives.

Meanwhile, if it crossed your mind to call and wish me "Happy Easter!" you might want to consider having a full frontal lobotomy! I have no urge to hear about how you have all gathered for ham at a dinner my parents were NOT invited to! Seriously, I'm likely to reach through the phone, grab you by your forked tongue and wrap it around your neck until you turn the same pretty pastel blue color as my chocolate eggs.

So, to all my friends, fellow bloggers, and family I can actually stand...
Here's wishing you a Hippity Hoppity Easter!

To the idiots who just don't understand why I don't call anymore...
I hope the Easter Bunny steals your beer, poops in your ham, and stuffs your bloody remains into plastic Easter eggs!


Anonymous said...

Ok, how can the prego chick be that pissed and make me laugh this hard. I can just see the easter bunny and his chocolate eggs up their fat drunken asses. then climbing out and pooping in their ham before slicing this to bits with the carving knife. THE CAMPOUT COULD BE A LOT OF FUN THIS YEAR.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I detect some hostility. Why don't you open up and tell Dyckerson what's really bothering you?

Chris said...

"Here's hoping the Easter Bunny crawls up your ass and craps chocolate eggs until they come out your ears!"

HAHAHAHA! Where do you come up with this stuff! I am so damn happy I hippity hopped my way into your family's blogs. Damn, I had no what I have been missing.

Ellie's Mommie said...

Old Woman: *bows* It takes a special sort of talent to be pissed off and funny at the same time.

Mighty D: Unfortunately, I've already worked out these issues with my therapist. I wish I had read your comment first. No doubt I could have saved a couple grand.

Chris: It takes a great amount of hate and discontent to come up with a classic Halmark card like that. So happy that my family can keep you entertained (despite our complete lack of sanity)