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Saturday, April 14, 2007

Who's Sybil?

Great, now I have to DEFEND myself! This is getting out of hand!

First I must say that I have no idea who this "Sybil" is or what my Mother thinks she's talking about! I DO NOT have multiple personalities!! (But I do believe several of the voices that inhabit my mind may need serious therapy!)

As far as golf carts go, I deny having anything to do with that situation! I'll tell you all exactly the same thing I told the officer when he asked me about it the following day. "Which golf cart?" I do not recall a golf cart that ended up stranded across town when two teenage girls wanted to visit a friend. Fortunately, due to insubstancial evidence (and some shoddy police work) no charges were ever pressed against me. I consider this whole situation to simply be a misunderstanding of the facts. Frankly, it's their word against mine and I'm sticking to my story! I have no idea why that local police officer got it into his mind that I may be trouble and continued to follow me around for the entire summer. I believe he must have been seriously over-worked and suffering from a great deal of stress.

I have no knowledge of where exactly the "Willie Nelson Farm Aide Handbook" came from. It was passed on to me from a third-party who may or may not have mentioned that the statute of limitations had expired on it. I do know that it is a very interesting book full of several interesting phone numbers. However, I imagine that much of the information is now very outdated. The years have played quite a toll on my young mind and I seem to have totally forgotten who gave the book to me in the first place.

Unlike my mother, who tends to blame her misadventures on her "supposed" alter-egos, I have no problem taking responsibility for my mistakes. In both of the above situations, I feel that I was an innocent victim of "guilt by association."

As far as marrying FS, I have a very logical explanation for that. I was under the strange misconception that a marriage was solely about loving someone. Unfortunately, I failed to realize that marriage also includes being able to tolerate the stupidity of a man, being able to overlook the financial incompitance of some people, and being able to keep from killing one's in-laws. It was not until I had signed the papers that I realized I was incapable of doing these other three things. Rather than spending the rest of my life in prison for burying my husband and his family in shallow graves, I opted to file for divorce.

Looking back is was really a blessing in disguise. I no longer have those misconceptions of perfection and having that first ex-husband under my belt has brought with it a very satisfying amount of relief.

I have since set my standards for "husband-material" a little bit higher. Next time around (which is not expected in the near future) I fully intend to marry for money. Daddy Dearest is well aware of the fact that while I love him very much, I am hoping that he is a wise financial investment. (There's good money in pizza these days!)

And in regards to our unborn daughter, I must say that if she has genetically inheritted any unsatifactory traits, they certainly have to come from her father or her maternal grandmother. Clearly, she could inherit nothing but a positive personality and fabulous sense of humor from ME! I am completely mentally stable and maintain that I have no clue why the men come around knocking on my door with that pretty white straight jacket. I believe they must either be lost or dipping into their surplus of mind-altering medications.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!


Ellie's Mommie said...

Note for Chris: I left a comment on "Special Offer" explaining why we CAN'T write a book. I left a bit of advice for you on "Dysfuntional" and you might want to check out my comment on "She DID NOT!" so you have time to prepare!!

Note for Old Woman I'm tired, net is boring, Luv you, Goodnight!

Chris said...

Rather than spending the rest of my life in prison for burying my husband and his family in shallow graves, I opted to file for divorce.
I almost peed my pants on that one. heh.

I'll have to go take a looksie.