Haha... very funny! Now take it back DAMNIT!!

Dear Higher Power With a Sick Sense of Humor:

Okay, I must admit I had to laugh when you decided to bless us with this child. The incredible irony of the situation was completely hilarious. I've had many laughs over the fact that my ex was unable to achieve this feat in three years of marriage, while Daddy Dearest managed it in less than a year. I must admit, waiting until we started our birth control pills only added to the hilarity.

Always being one to laugh in the face of the unexpected, I found further humor in the fact that Daddy Dearest's family is entirely Catholic and we have no intentions of marriage in the near future.

Normally, I am the first to commend you on your sense of humor. Back to back cases of strep throat, while unpleasant, baffled the doctors and therefor made me laugh.

I've even reached a point where I can laugh at the inappropriate timing when it comes to my family's "disfunctional" falling out.

I must confess though, that I have finally lost all patience with you and DO NOT find your latest joke to be in the least bit funny.

Oh yes, I'm a hilarious person made even more hilarious by the giant wrecking ball that protrudes from my abdomen and makes me waddle like a penguin everywhere I go. It is absolutely hysterical that I can no longer get out of the bath tub on my own, let alone bathe and shave various parts of my enlarged form. You're more than entitled to laugh at my current state of exhaustion and the fact that you've made it clear to this child that she does not need to make preparations to evacuate her current residence in the near future. I have no problem being the brunt of these ridiculous jokes.

HOWEVER,

I do not think it is in any way humorous that you decided to bless me with a full blown head cold, complete with nasty sinus drainage, headaches, hot-flashes, and sleepiness at this point in the pregnancy! Was it really necessary to INCREASE my state of discomfort and misery? Were you not laughing hard enough as I try to rolly polly my way out of bed each morning? Was it not humorous enough for you to just sit back and watch me try to put socks on?

YOU ARE A SICK INDIVIDUAL!!

So you've had your laugh. One last DIG at my overly miserable expense! I now DEMAND that you TAKE IT BACK!!

Until you decide that the ninth month of pregnancy is sufficient laughter for you, I will be boycotting your existance. There will be no more late-night seances, no more sacrificing of goats, no further spreading of your sick but humorous gospel! I am through doing your evil bidding until such time that you see to relieve me of this unnecessary cold.

NOT SO FUNNY NOW IS IT?

And furthermore, I will demand that all who love me also restrain from serving your horrible whims. There will be no more shooting of sheep, no more burying children in shallow graves, no more laughing at the expense of trolls, and no making fun of life's minor inconveniences. Until I am in a more healthy state of non-congestion, I demand that Blogland become BORING!!

Anyone who insists on posting something that will amuse your sick sense of humor will have to answer to my sick state of mind. My wrath will be unbearable. I will travel Blogland sneezing on everyone's sites. I will refuse to use Kleenex when posting comments. I will not wash my hands before I type. I will spread your nasty headcold all over Blogland to any and all who worship your humor.

Maybe if all of the bloggers are sick and can no longer feed your cruel amusement, you will see fit to relieve me of my illness and allow me to enjoy the remaining misery of pregnancy congestion free!

Totally not amused & seeking revenge,
Ellies Mommie

Today was brought to you by the letter F!

Have I mentioned I hate Mondays? Seriously, who the hell decided that Monday was so great? And who's bright idea was it to schedule all of my prenatal visits on MONDAYS? Seriously, what kind of shit is this?

Think I'm over-reacting? FINE! You like Mondays so much? You try starting your week out by having some jolly cheerful doctor check your tonsils via your nether regions!! Yeah! See how much you like Mondays then!!

MONDAYS SUCK!!

That being said, here's today's spectacular chain of events.

• Sleep in on my day off!
• Wake Daddy Dearest up for appointment.
• Make DD laugh all the way to town because "I can't feel the wind, turn on the AC!" We drove all the way there with the windows down and the AC on because "I can't feel the wind!"
• --------
• Nether-region tonsilectomy
• More epidural comments
• Baby & Mommie are both perfectly healthy
• Almost 38 weeks and no progress
• Doc is still optomistic but exact words were, "Now we just play it week to week. Not looking very promising right now. HAVE SEX!"
• Cuss obstinant unborn daughter for being too damn comfortable! GET OUT OF ME!!
• --------
• Waddle through Dollar Tree finding none of the things I went there to buy.
• Find one of the items on the front wall AFTER I've already paid for my junk.
• Glare at items and decided it just isn't worth it.
• --------
• Go to eat at Long John Silver's. Heart set on fish sandwich.
• Find that LJS is no longer there due to construction. No clue where it went!
• Settle for cheap-ass fish sandwich from the piss-colored arches!
• --------
• Get home, call realtor, schedule time to view a house, get address.
• Decide to go check out house in advance
• Driving down road (windows down & AC going)
• DD slows down and sticks head out window to check tire (I haven't mentioned how paranoid he is about vehicles)
• Laugh hysterically at DD when his hat instantly blows off and lands in the middle of the road behind us. (Guess he couldn't feel the wind either!)
• Go back to pick up hat
• Go check out house. It's fabulous, in the country, five acres, and we can afford it. Something will definately go wrong with the loan application process!
• --------
• Check out nearby road to see where it goes.
• Discover large tree down across entire road (I'm a "country girl" and I must say this is a first for me. The tree was blocking the whole damn road. AND the road was paved. Okay, so it was "lightly" paved, but still!)
• Come back home to fill out loan paperwork.
• --------
• Discover while we were gone "Parking-Challenged" has placed their vehicle smack dab between two parked cars. Said vehicle is strategically placed to prevent anyone from parking on either side of it.
• Park red car along tree line (not parking area)
• Move grey car closer to Parking-Challenged vehicle.
• Move red car beside grey car.
• Cuss continuously throughout whole process.
• --------
• Fill out loan papers.
• Find all necessary documents.
• Spend a moment admiring my "skills" at writing my divorce decree and settlement.
• Call boss and ask for tomorrow off to view house and meet with loan department.
• --------
• Clean closet.
• Daddy Dearest (holding stuffed animals that go in closet): "Let's play catch!"
• Me (not ready to put stuffed animals in closet): "No, I'm not ready for them!"
• Daddy Dearest (grinning): "Okay, then we'll play dodgeball!" (proceeds to pelt me with stuffed pink pig and 50 squishy frogs)
• --------
• Reorganize baby furniture.
• Cuss because apartment is too small for all our shit and a baby!
• --------
• Pig out on stir-fry.
• --------
• Write pointless blog about day's events.
• --------
• Go to bed thankful that MONDAY IS OVER!!!

So I wasn't online yesterday because I was sleepy. I wasn't on today because I HATE MONDAYS!! And I probably won't be on tomorrow because I'll still be recovering from Monday (a good "fix" of HOUSE might help!). Guess I'll talk to you all on Wednesday!

Much love and HAPPY BLOGGING!!

Oh yeah, just to make me feel better . . .

FUCK MONDAY!!!

It's still a girl!!

All the family DRAMA (I think we've entered CODE BLACK!) aside, there was a happy moment of elation today when Daddy Dearest and I got to see our little girl again! It took a while to get a nice picture of her face b/c she kept rolling and putting her hands up there. But she finally found her toes and let us have a pretty chubby cheeked pose. The pictures aren't the greatest (and my purse injured the last one w/ imprints from two quarters) but she was being a little turkey.

She had no problem giving us a perfect profile shot and even stuck her tongue out while we were watching her.

The face shots were much harder to get. She kept yawning and wiggling around with her hands on her face.

We also got to see all her little organs that are absolutely perfect. Just for good measure we made sure she was still a little girl (SHE IS!! NO ROOT FOR HER!!)

Measurements put her at 6 pounds 8 ounces, which was a relief to me, since she feels absolutely HUGE!!

Everything is absolutely perfect.

WARNING: The following contains sexual content and disturbing descriptions which may not be suitable for all viewers. Viewer discretion is advised!

I'll spare you the details of the actual doctors exam, but needless to say the doctor was saying, "You realize we have to get a baby out of here?" She then encouraged an epideral which was a bit discouraging. I realize my reaction was one of pain, but seriously I need a DO NOT ENTER sign down there. Just picture petting a cat the wrong direction. Yep, that's what it felt like!

Now you can guess how pleased I was when the doctor prescibed SEX twice a week! She said it's the only PROVEN method of enducing labor! Of course Daddy Dearest (poor deprived guy) was grinning EAR TO EAR at this news, but I am so not impressed!

Thankfully, she did say there was no need to overdo it like the last couple who had sex 10 times in one week! Yeah, my jaw dropped too! Oh, that's normal for you? YOU SUCK!!

A Recap

A quick recap of the last few days:

• Thursday night was "Girl's Night Out." Okay, so it was "out" for me, as I traveled a few blocks away to my co-workers for an evening of mind-numbing chocolate brownies and Mary Kay facials. What I expected to be a 1-hour endeavor into the joys of deep cleansing and fabulous skin, turned into me spending 1 hour applying various products to my face, $30 on products I had no intention of purchasing, and 4 more hours laughing hysterically with my co-worker about everything from "shitting on people's desks" to "cheating at cards."


• Friday morning, after not near enough sleep, I awoke to mind-numbing pain which was quickly accompanied by a blood curdling scream that could wake the dead. Daddy Dearest shot bolt upright in bed and tried to overcome his coronary long enough to assist me. My leg was seized up in a massive cramp! With 43 inches of belly between me and my feet, it was completely impossible for me to reach my toes to stop the spasm. Amidst my maniac screams and tearful begging for Daddy to pull my toes up, I clearly began to understand why an animal would gnaw its own leg off to escape a trap. With Daddy's help, my leg eventually relaxed enough that I could breath. Of course there was no point in my trying to go back to sleep after that. No doubt I would have suffered nightmares about my leg trying to physically remove itself from my body and run off to Vegas with some two-bit fishnet stocking! While Daddy Dearest was able to quickly slip back into his near-coma state of REM sleep, I spent the remainder of the day being absolutely useless and generally feeling sorry for myself as I limped around with the aftermath of the cramp lingering in my leg.


• Today, still feeling the effects of yesterday's leg spasm, I have limped around the house in a pretty pathetic manner. Picture a pot-bellied pirate hobbling around my apartment with a chocolate brownie in one hand and a TV remote in the other. I've already had one nap today and am highly considering a second nap. It just seems like a good thing.

Updating my "things I've slacked off on" list from the middle of the week:

• I finally found the motivation to offer up a Death Threat for Karla. It really wasn't too difficult after she informed me she would show up during nap-time with 6 musical Elmo toys! Do not mess with the pregnant chick's NAP TIME!!!


• I have read the updates on all my fellow bloggers (even adding a couple of new crazies to the list)


• I finally added that certain blogger to my list (I believe it was out of pity)


• And I decided to put clothes on (but only because it's colder than a witch's tit outside)

I still have not done laundry or cleaned house due to my current state of limping disability. Laundry would require revealing my "limping pirate" persona to the neighbors and cleaning the house would involve stooping to pick things up. This is strictly forbidden for at least one more day because my calf muscle has sent a threatening letter explaining that it WILL immediately ceaze up again if I even consider performing a stooping movement!

So yes, I am officially a FAT, LAZY, MISERABLE, LIMPING PIRATE!!

Now make me laugh or walk the plank!!

Okay, so when you find everytime you look in the mirror you are slowly turning into a bigger and bigger version of a hippo, you eventually have to break down and do something to remind yourself that you can still make the boys turn their heads.

Tonight, that's exactly what I did.


I broke down, drug out the hot red dress, pulled my hair back and put on the brightest red lipstick I own.

Then, just to remind myself that I still clean up pretty nice, I pulled out the camera and flashed about 100 pictures. I recommend always taking 100 pictures because you're sure to get a few that you like.

So, a few layers of makeup, 100 camera flashes, and a few photo touch-ups later, I must say, "She's STILL got it!!"

Maybe it's a little self-indulging. Maybe I'm a little bit concieted. But frankly, when you've put on thirty pounds, several pant-sizes, and haven't seen your feet in months, you really don't care how self-absorbed you're being.

What does matter is that I'm still pretty. To hell with that! I'm still DAMN SEXY!! That's right! I said it! I'm ONE HOT MAMA!!

So take that and stick it in your "I pushed my baby out in 5 pushes" pipe and smoke it!! hehe... just kidding! I still envy any woman with an easy pregnancy and short labor.

So now that I've satisfied my own ego, I suppose I can give in and bring some sort of sick pleasure to you evil freaks out there who relish in seeing how big of a BLIMP I've become (you sick bastards!!)

So here you go. Some 33 week belly shots! Yes! I'm huge! It's 42-inches if you have to know! Yes! I know! You're loving it! Go ahead! Have your fun! Just remember, from the chest up I can still give your man whiplash! Haha! Not so funny now is it? Yeah! SHUT UP! See that large basketball protruding from me? Yeah! That'll teach you to enjoy my misery!

Hope you all enjoyed. And in case there's anyone out there who just take themselves WAY too seriously. I'm not out to steal anyone's man, but I will laugh if you have to slap him for checking out another chick! Just be nice to the FAT pregnant chicks... because underneath the layers of baby...

WE'VE STILL GOT IT!!!

Yep... It'll SUCK!

So, I thought I'd sum up our birthing classes so far:

• Session #1: Hi, we're pregnant. Yep, you're pregnant too. Guess we're all pregnant here! Hmmm... What should we talk about? Okay, well... Isn't pregnancy fabulous? No? Oh! Okay. Well this is why it sucks (pointing to picture of where all your organs have moved too now that baby has invaded your entire body). So see... it's so much fun being pregnant! Now for a little "birthing porn"! Oh my GOD!! I don't want to see that come out of me let alone some woman I don't know! *pukes in plastic cup* Thanks! Now I picture giving birth to some freaky alien being! Okay Daddies. Time to pamper Mommy! Quiet relaxing technique! Ahhh... wait... how am I supposed to relax when you just showed me way more than I wanted to see & our darling daughter has decided to have a karate class inside me? Okay... this is me being relaxed. Yeppers... I think we're done here. Honey... let's get a burger!

• Session #2: Hi, we're all still pregnant here (had to reintroduce b/c instructor had been sick the 1st night). Soooo... these are the stages of labor. First it sort of sucks. Then it really starts to suck & you might get uncomfortable & cranky. This would be the time to go to the hospital. Once you get to the hospital it's going to suck big time. This is why it sucks. You're squeezing a watermelon out of a 10 centimeter hole. Yes! I said 10 centimeters!! So if you don't take any medicine, here's how bad it'll suck! (watch video about sucky labor). Now lets go look at where all this sucky shit is going to take place. Wasn't that nifty? They'll take real good care of you. So back to today's lesson. Medicine is awesome. BUT.... it has some sucky things too. Here's a list of sucky crap that could happen to you if you take medicine. Now lets see a video about how bad it'll suck if you take meds. (insert video here) So now that we know how bad it's going to suck, let's remind Daddy that Mommy gets to be pampered through this whole process. Now balance on this circus ball and relax. This is how we breathe. In to 4, out to 4... in to 4, out to 4... okay then when it really starts to suck... in to 2, and out to 2... really shallow breaths... in to 2, out to 2... let's practice how we'll breath when it starts to suck. Okay, good job... have a great week!

• Session #3: Welcome back everyone! So these are some things you should bring to the hospital: money, phones or calling cards, phone numbers, slippers, personal hygiene stuff, clothes for you & baby, massage & relaxing stuff, books, etc. Now... lets talk about how much it would suck if you had to have a c-section. These are some reasons why you might need one. If you have one, you'll be awake, but you won't feel a thing. Of course, they won't let you see this because... well, we don't know because no one asked. Anyway, they'll cut you open and take out the baby. It'll take like 5 minutes. Then they'll stitch you back up. Recovery is longer, but other than that it pretty much sucks less than giving labor. Except for the gas pains. Now let's watch a video of a woman who's labor really sucked so she had a c-section to deliver her 9 pound baby. (insert video) Now you know everything will be okay if you do have to have a c-section. So, lets talk about a few more breathing things. When it starts to suck big monkey balls, a good breathing technique through a contraction is "hee hee hoo"... "hee hee hoo"... then when they tell you that you cannot push yet, you'll need to blow out "hoo hoo hoo hoo" not so fast that you hyperventilate though. When they ask you to push, it's like blowing up a balloon. Now lets balance on these circus balls and put your feet up on these chairs. Daddy will squeeze you into a "c" shape so your chin is on your chest. This is a good pushing position. Now remember Daddy... Mommy gets all sorts of pampering. So let's practice hand massages and relaxing techniques.... Ahhh... now isn't that nice? So next week we'll talk about newborns & caring for them. I'll have some new parents bring in their little brats and tell you all about how much labor sucked for them and how great it is to have a baby! Have a great week!

Okay, so I of course have added all the "SUCK" words. But only because the instructor is supposed to make it a positive thing and she can't actually come out and say, "Okay ladies. This is really going to suck! But it'll suck less for you since you're informed about how bad it will suck!"

Honestly, it really has been a good class. But it's still going to SUCK! I have no delussions. I figure if I keep telling myself how much it'll suck then either I'll be fully prepared for the suckiness or I'll be shocked to find it wasn't as bad as I thought. Either way, expecting it to suck & finding out I was right seems a lot better than thinking it'll be a walk in the park and finding out that it REALLY F#$%ING SUCKS!!!

So, please don't burst my bubble by trying to tell me about how much YOUR labor didn't suck! It sucked! You just don't remember it! The proof? You had SEX again!! Amnesia is a disorder that allows a woman who has gone through 9 hours of labor and squeezed a seven-pound screaming lizard out to EVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!!!

Nighty Night

Me: Mommy's tired.
Daddy: Then Mommy should go to bed.
Me: I'm going to. And I'm taking the baby with me.
Daddy: (wrapping arms around my belly) Nope! I wanna keep the baby tonight!
Me: (staring speechless)
Daddy: (laughing at expression on my face)
Me: Well... um... hmm... let's see if we can figure this one out.
Daddy: (grinning)
Me: Nope. Sorry, I've got nothing.
Daddy: (kissing belly) Fine then, just take her to bed with you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A few nights ago

Daddy: (kissing me) Goodnight Princess 2! (kissing belly) Goodnight Princess 1!
Me: Hey! Wait a minute! Why does she get to be Princess 1? I was here first!!
Daddy: (kissing belly again) Well, because she's cuter!
Me: (pretending to be mad) *hmph!*
Daddy: Goodnight sweetheart! I love you!

Daddy's Lucky Charm

Last night was hilarious!

Daddy Dearest gets a phone call asking him if he'd like to play poker. Since it's Spring Break and I'm totally bored out of my mind, he asked me if I wanted to go with. I agreed and got dressed.

Now, while the guys he plays poker with are mutual friends that we both used to work with, I haven't gone with him in over 7 months. Needless to say, pregnancy and a full-time job make for a very exhausted (and anti-social) Mommy.

So, we get ready and get in the car to go.

At this point, Daddy Dearest informs me that he isn't sure if the guys know I'm pregnant. I burst into hysterical laughter. "You mean you see these guys about once a month & it's never crossed your mind to tell them you're having a baby?"

He's laughing now too. "Well, it just never really came up."

About five minutes later I start laughing again. "I'm picturing the phone call. 'Hey man, wanna come play poker?' 'Sorry, I can't tonight, I'm in labor and delivery!' That'd baffle them!"

So anyway, we get to W's house and Daddy proudly announces that he brought his girls with him as he pats my belly! Everyone says how good it is too see me and how long it's been, but they don't comment on the obviously enlarged belly.

About thirty minutes into the poker game, W stops and looks at Daddy. "Okay man! I've gotta ask. Did you tell us you were having a baby?" Through our laughter Daddy says he didn't think that he had. Now that the ice has been broke, the door is open for a string of hilarity over the subject.

• Well that's a relief! I was pretty certain that wasn't just weight gain but I didn't really want to come out and say "Hey girl! Did you know you're pregnant?"
• (after following me down the staircase) "So, do you have to balance different when you have a baby?"
• (while rocking the step that I'm sitting on in the back yard) "If I rock this hard enough will it induce labor?"
• (handing me a second taste of his fabulous cheeseball) "Since I gave Daddy a beer for the baby, here's some more cheeseball for you!"
• We never see you anymore! You don't come out drinking with us any more! Geeze!

Amazingly, with 10 people in the house who hadn't seen me in months there we NO comments about my weight, size or looks. I had a blast just listening to the conversations and watching the poker game.

Daddy Dearest won by a landslide. He knocked two people out in one hand with pocket aces. There were several times that he pulled it out on the river and many hands that he would have won with "crappy" cards if he'd have stayed in the round. He decided that his little girl is his "lucky charm".

Check Mate

This conversation was brought to you by the word "ouch".

*after discussing whether to have an epidural or not*

Daddy: You know that pain is all in your head?
Me: You realize if you tell me that in the middle of labor I'll knock your head off?
T: *laughing*
Daddy: I wouldn't do that, but I'm telling you now.
Me: I realize that but I hope that you get a kidney stone someday!
T: My boss had a kidney stone. You could see the pain all over his face.
Me: I bet. Kidney stones are all sharp and spikey. OUCH!
Daddy: If I get a kidney stone, I'm going to the hospital and having them enduce a coma. Wake me when it's over and I won't feel any pain!
Me: But honey, the pain is all in your head!
T: *laughing* Check MATE!

Yet another FAT wise crack!

*looking up at Baby Ticker*

Okay, as if I haven't already mentioned that the past two days I've been a target for unauthorized (and very unwelcomed) comments about my knocked-up state... I just now read that ticker!

"Mommy is gaining a pound a week. Lay off the cake woman! You're not REALLY eating for two."

You know, that just takes the cake. haha... yeah, that's soooo NOT funny!! Damn people and their stupid WISE-ASS remarks! I'm going to go eat a pint of ice-cream to calm my nerves!

Think before you speak!

Things I've heard in the past 48 hours:

• "You're looking very... pregnant!" -- hmmm... you look very... UGLY!!
• "You look like you're ready to be done with this." -- No kidding? Actually, I was just starting to enjoy myself! I thought I might put off delivering her until next year!
• "Goodness! You just keep getting bigger!" -- I'm pregnant... What's you excuse?
• "You're starting to walk differently. Are you starting to feel it?" -- I hardly noticed I was carrying around a 25 pound basketball on my stomach! Think about that question the next time someone asks you to move their television. Then imagine walking around all day carrying that television because they can't decide where they want you to sit it down at!
• "Haven't you had that baby yet?" -- Yes! But I decided I enjoy looking like a hippo and not seeing my feet, so I had fat implants added in all the right places!

The next time you want to make a comment to a pregnant woman you need to think about a few things:

• Imagine you've been walking around for the past few months carrying an awkward box and every week, someone adds a few more items to the box but never lets you put it down to rest.
• Then imagine that you still have to get dressed, go to work, function normally, and sleep while holding onto that box.
• Now picture how wonderful it is to hear people tell you everyday just how tired or fat you look.
• Then assume that you are a woman who has had a horrible day AND is on the worst day of her period with raging hormones and homocidal tendancies.
• Once you have pictured the above scenerio, think very carefully about the words that are about to exit your mouth. If you believe that you could calmly smile and continue on your day, feel free to risk speaking your mind. However, having pictured the above situation, if you think there is the slightest chance that hearing what you have to say might inspire you to purchase a handgun and let the whole world know just how you feel, it might be best to simply smile and move on.

Ellie's Space!

Thank you to Ellie's Auntie for giving her all the stuff her cousin outgrew.

A cradle...

A jumper...

And a bunch of clothes that Ellie's cousin outgrew...

Oh, and these adorable onsies!!And last but not least, a 41" pic from this week (#31)

9 weeks left to go!!

Just Warning You In Advance

It became obvious to me today that I am clearly a glutton for punishment.

I generally like to pace myself when it comes to running errands an such. Nothing upsets my world as much as a day that is absolutely packed with necessary duties. It's not really laziness. I have no problem doing the things that need to be done, I simply like to pace myself when it comes to completing tasks. I find that it makes life much more satisfying if you can come home at the end of the day feeling as if you've accomplished what needed to be done, still have time to finish the things you left undone, and can still muster enough energy to enjoy a few hours of down time at home.

This has never been so important to me as it is at this point in my pregnancy. Time and energy are a precious commodity for me these days and I've become an expert at conservation. Aside from actually being sick, nothing is more exhausting - both physically and emotionally - as a day that just doesn't seem to end.

However, I have found that pregnancy has yet another trick up its sleeve - doctor's appointments. For someone who works full-time, it is a daunting task to try to juggle all of your appointments with a work schedule. My boss is very good about letting me have off any days I need for appointments, but my strong work ethic inspires me to try and schedule them all in the same day (especially on a week when we have Friday off to start with).

Thus, proof that I am glutton for punishment. I believe I may have gone overboard on Monday's schedule.

• 9:00 AM -- Wake up
• 9:30 - 10:00 AM -- Go to the bank for some cash
• 10:30 AM -- Leave to go to town
• 11:00 -11:30 AM -- Appointment with nurse to discuss Month 8!!
• 11:30 - NOON -- Appointment with counselor to discuss parenting issues.
• BREAK FOR LUNCH
• 1:00 - 1:15 PM -- Prenatal appointment with the doctor
• WASTED TIME (not long enough to go home)
• 3:00 PM - GOD KNOWS WHEN -- 6 month appointment with eye doctor that I moved up so they could look at this stupid black spot that is driving me batty!
• MORE WASTED TIME (still not worth going home)
• 6:00 - 8:30 PM -- Birth & Labor classes at the hospital
• 9:00 PM -- Finally back home!!

So needless to say, you probably won't hear from me all day on Monday. And if you do, you might want to cut me some slack because I doubt I'll be in the most chipper of moods. I dunno, something about four appointments followed by two and a half hours of class, makes me think I'll be utterly spent by the time I get home.

All I can say is, "What the hell was I thinking?"

The Ever Growing Belly (a recap)

Okay, so I'm a bit of a hermit and I only leave my house when necessity (groceries, work, some random family event, etc.) insists that I make my presence known to the world, some of the people I care about have been denied the priviledge of my ever expanding belly. So here's a recap...

September 2006

About Week 7

Look at that flat tummy. Okay, so there's a bit of a pooch, but trust me, it's not a baby pooch... it's a cheeseburger pooch!

November 2006

About Week 14

Yep. There's a belly there! Just a little though. I had to put on something tight to show it off. Still could hide it under a couple layers of shirts though.

December 2006

About Week 20

No doubt there's a baby in there. Still, a heavy sweater will hide those extra cheeseburgers.

AND FINALLY!!

March 2007

There's no denying it now! Not even my heaviest sweater will cover this 40 inches of baby!

AND we still have 10 WEEKS TO GO!!!

Can I have the epideral NOW!!!

An Afterthought

So... All this unwanted drama over my ex made me realize something!

I'm pretty lucky!

You see, it just occured to me that the INSANE PSYCHOTIC MULE'S ASS I USED TO CALL MY MOTHER IN LAW is stuck with her son for the rest of his natural life.

AND

That STUPID ALBINO P.O.S. NON-REPRODUCTIVE IDIOT I MARRIED is stuck with her as his mother for the rest of her life.

Since he's a perfect example of why animals eat their young and she is the reason children divorce their parents, I think it's pretty fitting that they're STUCK with each other!

I feel better now.

Got any "creative" names for people you can't stand... I'd love to hear them!

The Amazing Never-Ending Ex-Husband!

So, for all of you out there who think that getting married is a cool and trendy thing to do. I'm going to put my two cents in on the subject (and let off some built up steam in the process!)

Quick backstory: So a few years back, I met this guy. Just some random albino I picked up at a motel (FIRST WARNING SIGN!) He seemed nice enough, but what the hell did I know? So after about six months of dating we decided we should get married (what can I say, the sex was good so I figured I could handle it! - sorry too much?) Anyway, we get engaged and his mother turned into the bitch from hell (SECOND WARNING SIGN!) But I had these delusions of marriage and figured I could handle anything that his Mom had to dish out. So my family bit their tongues and allowed me to marry this idiot. The wedding, while beautiful, was a social disaster (THIRD WARNING SIGN!) After three years of marriage I decided that he drank too much, spent too much, stayed out too much, and was generally useless to me. So I moved on.

Now for the good news.

Since leaving his sorry ass, I've managed to pay off all my debts (Note: I wrote our divorce decree because he was too cheap to hire a lawyer so I made sure he got stuck with all the debts he'd ran up!) I also learned that two people can live in the same house without wanting to kill each other all the time, bills can be paid on time if both parties do their share, and not all men think it's okay to stay out until morning partying with their friends.

For the most part, I've done a pretty good job of moving on with my life and eliminating him and his mistakes from mine!

I was mistaken!

You see (a little more back story) in 2005 my (ex) husband renewed the tags on our vehicles. No big deal right? WRONG! I later learned (when the cop was knocking on our door) that he'd bounced the check and didn't bother to fix the problem!! (who ignors a bounced check to the COUNTY!!) Anyway, no biggie, he took care of it, and I had bigger money problems to worry about at the time.

Last year (in the middle of our divorce) I took his name off my vehicle, renewed my tags and proceeded on as if he didn't exist.

However, this year when I went to renew my tags online, it wouldn't let me pull up the info on my old car. Over the phone a lady told me it must have been an error on the State's part & I'd just have to come in person to handle it. No biggie, I can do that!

Today, I went to pay my tags in person. While there, I find out EXACTLY why I couldn't file online. It seems that since I married an IDIOT, I'm now on a "no check list". I'll have to pay my tags IN CASH for the next four or so years!! (Good thing I'd planned on paying cash anyway or I'd have been SOL today!) I tried to make light of it to the clerk (it's not her fault I married an ASSHOLE!)

But the more I thought about it, the madder I got. Why? Because the bad check isn't associated with his NAME, it's associated with the vehicles that were registered! Which means that he (Mr. I don't care if I can afford it, I'm getting a new truck) can pay his tags with a check or online or by mail or by phone. But since I'm still driving the same good ol' car I had when I married him, I (Mrs. Doesn't write a check without calling my bank before & after) CANNOT!!

That sort of BURNS me!

Anyway, the moral of the story is...
...$15 marriage licence
...several hours of typing divorce decree (est. value $400+)
...$111 court costs
...$3 in gas to pay CASH for tag renewal
...Knowing that his BOYS can't swim? PRICELESS!!!

If you're thinking about marrying someone, take a step back (SOBER UP!!) spend 3 months in Uganda, purposely smash your pinky with a hammer, volunteer for a colonoscopy and then decide if it's really worth it.

Go Ahead, Laugh At the Pregnant Chick!

Random conversation #1:
*shopping in Walden Books*
Me: *looking at Pilates book on the clearance shelf* Yeah, Pilates! I practice Yoga every morning when I put my socks on!
Ang: *drops book she's looking at & bursts into laughter*
Me: Glad you see the humor in it, I find it to be quite a pain in the ass!

Random conversation #2:
*passing through Sears*
Me: Awww... cute shirt. I don't buy cute clothes anymore!
Ang: Oh, you're clothes are always cute, you just don't "feel" cute.
Me: No, it's okay. I've resigned myself to being okay with walking around like a hippo in a floral printed shower curtain!
Ang: *dies of laughter*

Random conversation #3:
*sitting at my desk trying to hang my calendar on my bulletin board*
Me: Who's bright idea was it to put this bulletin board clear back here behind my desk?
Sam: Hmmm... I know who that was.
Me: Well, I'm an idiot!
Sam: Having problems?
Me: Yeah, this belly wasn't in my way when I got the bright idea to stick this thing clear back here! Why didn't you warn me that this might happen?
Sam: *gives me that "where'd you think the baby was going to grow" look & laughs*

Random conversation #4:
*staring at foot in disgust*
Sam: What's wrong?
Me: Oh, just my latest pregnancy complaint.
Sam: What's that?
Me: I've got an ingrown toenail that is screaming "Cut my toe of at the HIP!!"
Sam: *laughing* I hate that, I finally broke down and took care of mine last night.
Me: Yeah, I hate it. You just have to get out the tools and say, "Okay toe, I'm going to start cutting here and I'm going to keep cutting higher and higher until you quit hurtin!"
Sam: *laughing harder* That's pretty much how it goes!
Me: At least you can reach yours. First I have to get mine up here, then I can only sit like this so long before my body goes "Oh Hell NO!!"
Sam: *still laughing* That's hilarious!
Me: Glad you think so. I'm seriously considering wrapping my shoe in yellow police tape. Then I'll put a sign out that says, "Step on the toe and DIE!!"

Baby On Board

Okay, so I spend many a part of my day browsing through baby products, baby blogs, baby message boards, etc. (There seems to be a pattern here. You'd think I was pregnant or something!)

Anyway, I must admit that I am a little shocked by some of the things that I find. I am more shocked to read some of the things that Mommies-To-Be write.

Now, as this is my first child, I must say that I in no way consider myself an expect on pregnancy or being a parent (thus my total reluctance to give parenting advice to others). However, it concerns me that some people who are well on their way to becoming parents do not understand the basic concepts of pregnancy. So, I'm going to try to clear up a few myths I've seen people ask about.

1. There is no reason to totally SPAZ out if your calender says you should be due on the 30th and the sonogram says you're due on the 27th! IT'S 3 DAYS!!! Seriously, by the time the 1st rolls around you'll be praying for that baby to get out of there!
2. On a similar note, it is asking a lot of your baby to say, "Well, we're due on the 30th, but my friend wants it on her birthday which is the 21st. I'm hoping the baby comes EARLY but not THAT early!" Umm... that's 9 days. A due date is only accurate to a plus or minus two weeks. So you're saying that you wouldn't mind your baby making it's debut 5 days early, but you'll hyperventilate if he or she decides to break out 6 days early?
3. No! It is NOT true that pregnant teenagers ALWAYS have girls! Just because the four girls you know that got pregnant as teenagers HAD girls, does not mean that ALL teenage mothers have girls!
4. Your baby's umbilical cord is NOT attached to your belly button. Therefor, it simply is not logical to believe that your child is pulling on the cord because your belly button is moving. Your belly button is where YOUR umbilical cord was attached to YOU. Your baby's umbilical cord is attached to your placenta which is attached to your uterus. If your baby's umbilical cord was attached to your belly button, you'd have a hole there and would have to bottle feed your baby via your belly button for nine months! One of these days I'll get creative and draw a picture of what THAT would look like... until then, just imagine!
5. Placenta Previa is when your placenta is located in a very low position close to the cervex. It could present complications during labor & delivery, but your pregnancy can usually progress normally until then. Proclampsia is when your placenta separates from the uterus prior to labor and delivery. This usually requires IMMEDIATE medical attention. Confusing the two is a MAJOR thing!!! Thus my reason for #6!
6. While the net may be a good place to vent or catch up on the latest trends and news, please do NOT use message boards as a substitute for medical advice! ALWAYS ask your doctors if you have any medical questions. You wouldn't ask medical advice from a woman who was bottle-feeding her belly button on the street! Please use caution when accepting advice online. Just because a woman is pregnant like you, doesn't mean she has the slightest idea how she got that way!!

Maternity Madness!

So, have you ever seen a Bella Band? It's this little tube of fabric which is specifically designed to hold up maternity pants or cover your ever expanding belly so that youcan wear you pre-prego clothes longer. Personally, I've thought it was a good idea ever since I started fastening my pants with a hair tie.

You see, I've learned a few things about clothing and the ever expanding body of a pregnant woman!

1. While your pre-pregnant hip huggers might fit ideally underneath your bulging belly, you will no doubt spend the day trying to pull the back of your pants up so that your ass doesn't hang out in the half moon fashion.
2. Long maternity shirts can cover the previously mentioned "half-moon effect". However, you will still spend your day pulling the back of your pants up because you can feel that plumber's crack effect!
3. Hair ties are ideal for expanding a tight waistband. Unfortunately, at some point you will undoubtedly outgrow the zipper. Unless you are the type who doesn't mind a little lower-level air conditioning, you will eventually have to break down and wear real maternity pants!
4. When you finally break down and slide into that first giant elastic waistband, you will discover that you now have to spend most of your day pulling up the front of your pants to prevent the ever attractive "crotch-around-the-knees effect".

This is where that Bella Band would come in very handy. However, where I live there aren't many options available to shop for maternity items. That's where being raised on hand-me-downs, garage sale specials, and improvised furniture comes in quite handy.

My solution: a black knit tube top! I must say that it is about 85% effective which means I only have to pull my pants up about three times in the course of the day, as opposed to 326 times!

Barbie's Legs Popped Off Again!!

I realize that in my messed up pregnant brain things aren't always the way they should be, but I must say that today definately took the cake!

Let me explain. I have a fabulous set of maternity pants that my mother picked up for the criminal price of $3 a pair. They are all hip, cute, and most importantly they don't fall off my ass when I sit down. However, there is one pair that I haven't quite got the hang of yet. Just a pair of plain denim maternity pants. Nothing fancy smancy about them, except that they have a pretty red and yellow decorative seam. The weird part about it is that the decorative seam is on the inseam! Yes, that's right. The decorative seam runs up the inside of my legs. It reminds me a lot of an airport runway. Here you go kid! Everything's well lit when you decide to make your entry!!

So back to my pregnancy brain. Today, I'm sitting at my desk with one leg thrown clumsily over the other knee. As I look down at my pant leg, I can't help but notice (once again) this decorative inseam. And what was the first thought that popped in my mind?

"Oh my god! My legs are on backwards!!"