Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Go Ahead, Laugh At the Pregnant Chick!

Random conversation #1:
*shopping in Walden Books*
Me: *looking at Pilates book on the clearance shelf* Yeah, Pilates! I practice Yoga every morning when I put my socks on!
Ang: *drops book she's looking at & bursts into laughter*
Me: Glad you see the humor in it, I find it to be quite a pain in the ass!

Random conversation #2:
*passing through Sears*
Me: Awww... cute shirt. I don't buy cute clothes anymore!
Ang: Oh, you're clothes are always cute, you just don't "feel" cute.
Me: No, it's okay. I've resigned myself to being okay with walking around like a hippo in a floral printed shower curtain!
Ang: *dies of laughter*

Random conversation #3:
*sitting at my desk trying to hang my calendar on my bulletin board*
Me: Who's bright idea was it to put this bulletin board clear back here behind my desk?
Sam: Hmmm... I know who that was.
Me: Well, I'm an idiot!
Sam: Having problems?
Me: Yeah, this belly wasn't in my way when I got the bright idea to stick this thing clear back here! Why didn't you warn me that this might happen?
Sam: *gives me that "where'd you think the baby was going to grow" look & laughs*

Random conversation #4:
*staring at foot in disgust*
Sam: What's wrong?
Me: Oh, just my latest pregnancy complaint.
Sam: What's that?
Me: I've got an ingrown toenail that is screaming "Cut my toe of at the HIP!!"
Sam: *laughing* I hate that, I finally broke down and took care of mine last night.
Me: Yeah, I hate it. You just have to get out the tools and say, "Okay toe, I'm going to start cutting here and I'm going to keep cutting higher and higher until you quit hurtin!"
Sam: *laughing harder* That's pretty much how it goes!
Me: At least you can reach yours. First I have to get mine up here, then I can only sit like this so long before my body goes "Oh Hell NO!!"
Sam: *still laughing* That's hilarious!
Me: Glad you think so. I'm seriously considering wrapping my shoe in yellow police tape. Then I'll put a sign out that says, "Step on the toe and DIE!!"

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