Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Random Ramblings of a Roaming Mind

Sometimes I pass the day in a haze of absurd questions that run through my mind like a stock ticker and make me question my own sanity.

1) If radiation from a nuclear power plant causes cancer, whatever inspired us to try & treat cancer with radiation?

2) If we had stopped trying to cure HIV & AIDS 30 years ago when it killed it victims quickly, would it have died out on its own?

3) What ingredients go into Baby oil?

4) There was a time when family & home came before education and was scheduled around farming & work. Now school is expected to come first. Are we really surprised by the decline in the quality of family life & work ethic?

5) More wars are waged in the name of God than for any other reason. Does that make you wonder, considering murder is a “sin”?

6) Paradox: A tollbooth on a FREEway!

7) Burning coal is a great source of energy. Has anyone ever tried to burn diamonds?

8) Coal is black & produces black smoke. What color smoke would diamonds produce?

9) If headphones can cause hearing damage when turned up too loud, why do they make it so you can turn the volume up so high?

10) If lawmakers are voted in by the majority and laws have to go through legislation, what does it say about our society when we have so many stupid laws?

These are the things I NEED to know!

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