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If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

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If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

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If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Survival of the Fattest!

At 28 weeks pregnant I have come to the tragic conclusion that I may not see where I am actually walking until May.

In the aftermath of our most recent snowstorm, I find that I spend my time walking in a face down posture, carefully assessing the traction potential of each step. I worry that by the time the snow clears, I’ll have such a crook in my neck that I’ll have to spend our daughter’s college fund paying a chiropractor to put everything back in place. Yesterday, while carefully waddling my way along the treacherous sidewalk to our apartment, I ran our neighbor into a snow bank. It wasn’t until I got safety into our apartment that I finally looked up and asked my sweetheart who I had plowed off the road. Learning it was the notorious owner of “Spot” (see previous post) I didn’t feel nearly as bad.

So, this is my warning to everyone. Until the snow and ice are completely gone and I no longer have to worry about the tailbone breaking potential of each and every step, I suggest that you keep a close eye on where you are going. I shall assume no responsibility for plowing over anyone that happens to be in my way.

Just consider it survival of the FATTEST!

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