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Sunday, February 25, 2007

Six Ridiculous Baby Products!!

Okay, so I was on a search for ridiculous baby items. And boy did I find some! From the over-protective parent's accesories, to the I don't have time to play Mommy accesories, there seems to be no end to the pointless nature of the products on the market!

Here we have the ThudGuard (a.k.a. The Thug Guard) Worried that your toddle will bump his fragile noggin? Concerned that she'll start hanging out with a bad crowd? Sleepless nights about you child getting involved with sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll? Have no fear! The Thug Guard is here!! Guaranteed to assure that your childs precious grey matter will remain fully intact long enough for him or her to gain full motor skills. Also, designed to prevent any normal social interaction with other toddlers. Rest assured with Thug Guard, your child will be the laughing stock of the neighborhood and you will no longer have to worry that they will join the local gang movement. Thug Guard guarantees that your child will never get laid or fit in with other children, thus eliminating the worry of teen-pregnancy and drug use. Thug guard comes complete with a lifetime supply of pocket protectors and scientific calculators. Today, for a special reduced rate, you can recieve a lifetime supscription to Why I Hate My Parents. Your welcome package will include valuable coupons for discounts on family counseling sessions, legal consultants, and drug rehab programs. Don't miss out on this special oppotunity!!

Here we have the TummyTub!! Designed to bring the stability and security of the womb to bathtime, this plastic tub is ideal for the family who keeps random body parts in large jars in the pantry! No more filling the sink or tub with water to give baby a bath, simply fill this convienent bucket with water and bathe your baby at the dinner table! Much better than conventional buckets because there are no handles or toxic plastic additives. Guaranteed to make your child feel as comfortable as it was cramped up in your womb for nine months.

The Baby Keeper! Designed to eliminate the hassel of where to put your baby while you pee! This special harness was made specifically for the purpose of hanging your youngster on the door of any public bathroom stall. While we do not recommend you place your purse in this location, due to the high rates of theft, we feel that your baby will be secure and comfortable hanging on the bathroom door while you drop a load! Also convientent for work at home parents who need a place to store the baby while completing those necessary filing tasks. Other uses may include: hanging your child on your own bathroom door so you can get that much needed bubble bath, storing your child in the closet while the boss is visiting for dinner, or hanging the child on the front door as a unique welcome wreath!

The Zaky Pillow! A uniquely designed pillow in the shape of human hands is perfectly designed for any parent who is infatuated with the Addam's Family! This pillow is specially made to provide the same comforting touch that Mommy or Daddy might provide. Perfect for the parents who simply cannot bother to hold their child. Also ideal for providing that special touch while Mommy and Daddy are off creating a little brother or sister.

The Walk-O-Long. Another Hand's Free Parenting device, designed for parents who feel that actually touching their child will create a psychological complex. This soft, comfortable, bungee cord will allow you to pick your toddler up off the floor during that clumsy learning to walk stage. No more stooping over to comfort a boo boo. Simply yank on the Walk-O-Long and your toddler will be up and running again in no time. This device is useful for children up to the age of 10. It can substitute as a leash when taking your child out in public and is ideal for helping to steady a child who is learning to roller skate. The Walk-O-Long is the perfect gift for any parent who is dreadfully afraid of catching some horrible germ from their young child. No more need for that dangerous parent-child contact.

And finally, for the parent who simple does not have the time to bother with feeding time. We bring you the Pacifier Sipper! Put that sucking action to good use with this specially designed pacifier straw. Perfect for parents who's schedules are too busy to tend to their child's basic needs. Just pop in the binky and be on your way! Also ideal for parents who don't mind if their thirteen year old is running around with a pacifier in their mouth and no comprehension of how to use a cup. This fantastic product is brought to you by the makers of Beer Helmets! We guarantee your child will fit right in at any hillbilly gathering where men wear beer cans on their heads and drink out of them with straws. Finally, Daddy and Baby can bond over meal time.


Anonymous said...

Ok, I'm telling you whoever created this crap is an idiot. The sad thing is they are pry rich idiots because people will buy this junk. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS CRAP IS FOR REAL.
I bathed you in a bucket before it was the in thing. IT WAS CALLED "WE ARE POOR".

Piink said...

I like the baby keeper. Where would you put your infant while your toddler pees in a public bathroom?